I wanted to marry Lars Altaria.

At first, our relationship was strictly professional, but we became comfortable with each other as time went by. In fact, we even became friends.

If we hadn't crossed the line and stayed that way, would things have been much better for us?

"Madalas ba 'tong mangyari?"

Napalingon ako kay Sir Alex na katabi ko sa loob ng kotse. He must be referring to my panic attack.

"Only when there's glass breaking around me." matamlay kong sagot. "The sound triggers it."

"I see. I'll take note of that." aniya at kinuha ang phone niya at tsaka may tinawagan. "Hello, Ken? Get rid of any glass in my office. Do it asap."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Nagkatinginan kami ni Sir Alex pero mabilis din siyang umiwas sa akin.

"Anything but plastic, please. We want to be nature-friendly as much as possible so no." Sir Alex politely remarked then eyed me. "No plastic with the stuff, okay? Go for marble or wood."

The anxiety I felt was replaced with a warm feeling akin to gratitude. Sir Alex is such a kind person... so kind that it reminds me of him.

Sabay kaming bumaba mula sa kotse nang makarating kami sa apartment ko. Bagama't katabi ko si Sir Alex ay hindi ako makatingin sa kanya. I was ashamed of what happened tonight.

He saw me on my knees, after all.

"You've been through a lot, Aria."

I flinched at his words.

"But don't do that again. Whatever happens, unless you're in bed with proper consent... No man can make you kneel before him, hmm?"

My eyes watered with tears. "Pervert."

He simply responded with a small smile.

His kindness had me crying.

I told myself that I'm willing to grovel in front of Sir Lars if it would make him feel better... but it made me feel so small while doing it for him.

I didn't expect love to be this hard, I didn't expect it to be this demanding, that it would make you give up all your pride and get you on your knees.

Ayoko ng ganitong klase ng pagmamahal.

Habang umiiyak ako, nanatiling nakatayo at walang imik si Sir Alex sa tabi ko. Napansin ko ang pag-angat ng mga kamay niya, tila gusto akong hawakan, pero nagpigil siya at nagpamulsa.

Perhaps he didn't want to touch me carelessly. So instead of holding me, Sir Alex opted to stay by my side as he listened to my sobs. His eyes were closed as he patiently waited for my cries to die.

And I appreciated it. So much.

Because no words were enough to alleviate the pain in my chest. Rather than words masked with fake positivity, I'd rather take this silence.

"Done?" Sir Alex asked when I finally stopped.

Tipid naman akong tumango.

"Do you want anything?" My boss queried in a soothing voice. "Tell me anything you want."

"What if I say I want the stars, Sir?" biro ko.

"In that case, you will have to be contented with these two." Sir Alex pointed his eyes. "Since they twinkle whenever I see you. Fair enough, Aria?"

I couldn't help but smile. That was smooth.

"Iba na lang, Sir. Huwag ka na sa akin." bulong ko at ngumiti nang malungkot sa kanya. "Nakita mo naman, 'di ba? Malalim 'yong sugat ko at hindi pa naghihilom. Pero salamat sa pag-hanga sa akin."

He sighed. "Isn't it too early to reject me?"

"I'm rejecting you as early as possible so that you can move on from me and find another girl."

Sir Alex seemed upset by my words. "You think if you reject me, I could forget you that easily?"

"Hindi ba?" Umiwas ako ng tingin.

He frowned. "Don't take my feelings lightly, Aria."

Whether his feelings were fleeting or intense, it doesn't really matter to me. I don't think my heart is ready to accept someone anytime soon.

Kinabukasan, maaga akong pumasok dahil gusto kong abalahin ang sarili ko sa pagtatrabaho. Akala ko wala pa si Sir Alex sa opisina pero mas nauna pa siya sa akin doon.

May mga tao ring nag-aayos at naglalabas ng mga gamit sa opisina niya. I guess he was serious about removing all the glasses in his office. I appreciate the thought, but this is a bit burdensome for me.

"Aria, I have to apologize in advance."

Napatingin ako kay Sir Alex. Bakit?

"We're meeting with Solar today."

I flinched. Sir Alex seemed troubled.

"As much as I don't want to meet him, it can't be helped. Solar and Incognito have been partners for years. Of course we'd meet at some point." litanya ko at ngumiti nang pilit.

Despite my reassurance, my boss still looked worried. But there was no need for him to be, really. I admit, I got emotional on our first and second encounter, but that's it. I'm done crying.

Hindi naman sa kanya umiikot ang buhay ko.

I used to work in Solar Publication before, but it's been five years. I think I can return to that place without breaking down. Hindi ko alam kung nando'n pa sina Tobi, Nami, Miss Kyla at Sir Neil...

I don't think they'll welcome me. Umalis ako nang walang paalam noon. They must have been upset. I should expect the cold shoulder if I meet them.

Nagpahatid na kami sa opisina ng Solar. May mga pagkakataon na napapadaan ako rito pero 'di na ulit ako nakapasok sa loob mula nung umalis ako.

How nostalgic.

"Now that I think about it, you also wrote Solar in your CV. So you used to work here, then?" tanong ni Sir Alex habang nasa loob kami ng elevator.

Napatango na lang ako dahil pinangunahan na ako ng kaba. Sabi ko kaya ko nang bumalik dito, pero... natatakot akong makita ang mga naging kaibigan ko rito. They were so kind to me then.

Pagpasok namin sa mismong opisina nila, napahugot ako ng hininga. Bumungad sa amin ang mga mukha na hindi pamilyar sa akin.

Napayuko ako dahil sa pagkadismaya. Well, it's been five years. Did I really expect to see my former colleagues here after five long years? They might have been promoted. They might have transferred to a different branch. Or maybe they even went to change careers.

Of course, I wouldn't know because I disappeared.

"Oh, guests? They must be here for a meeting."

I gasped. That voice!

Mabilis akong nag-angat ng tingin at nabigla ako sa taong nakita ko. Noong una, kay Sir Alex siya nakatingin, ngunit nang mapansin niya ako ay nalaglag ang panga niya.

"Aria!" Ngumiti si Tobi nang malaki at dali-dali siyang lumapit at yumakap sa akin. "Long time no see!"

Kusang nagtubig ang mga mata ko.

"Hello, Tobi." Niyakap ko siya pabalik.

"It's been so long! How can you just disappear without saying goodbye? Everyone was so sad!" aniya at ginulo ang buhok ko. "Kyla and Nami were so upset! And I was so heartbroken, you know? I had a huge crush on you back then!"

Mas lalo akong napaiyak. Ang daldal parin niya...

"Excuse me," Sir Alex interrupted then separated me from Tobi. He seemed annoyed. "Please don't touch my secretary so carelessly."

"Huh? Who's this fart?" pagtataka ni Tobi.

Biglang may humampas sa kanya ng folder mula sa likuran. "That's the CEO of Incognito, you fool."

I was surprised to see Sir Neil. Nandito pa siya!

"Hey. Long time no see." Tila hinimas ang puso ko nang yakapin niya rin ako. "What an unexpected reunion. I thought for sure it'd be a normal day."

I smiled. "How have you been, Sir Neil?"

"Ayos lang. Sayang at hindi mo makikita sina Kyla at Nami. The girls were transferred to a different branch, you see. Wala na sila rito." Sir Neil said.

Sir Alex cleared his throat to get our attention.

"I'm sorry, Sir. They're my former colleagues."

"It's okay. This is actually good." He eyed me. "Why don't you stay with your friend and catch up with him?"

I blinked twice. "But, the meeting..."

"You don't have to come with me." Sir Alex gave me a reassuring smile then turned to Tobi. "Then, can I trouble you to keep her company?"

"Oh, sure." Tobi replied nonchalantly.

Nagpaalam na sa akin si Sir Neil at hinatid na niya si Sir Alex papunta sa opisina ng EIC nila. Inakbayan ako ni Tobi para kunin ang atensyon ko.

"Selfie tayo!" Nilabas niya ang phone niya at hindi na ako hinintay na ngumiti, basta na lang siya pumindot sa camera niya. Si Tobi talaga!

He seemed happy while fiddling his phone. Sinilip ko kung anong ginagawa niya sa phone at nakita kong may pinadalhan siya ng picture namin.

"Oh, I'm sending it to my wife!" Tobi chirped.

Napakurap ako. Tama ba ako ng narinig?

As if he read my mind, Tobi showed me his hand with a ring. "I'm already married to Nami."

"Oh, my god!" Napanganga ako. "Seriously?!"

He burst into laughter. "Seriously!"

"You and Nami... I can't even imagine it!"

Tobi pouted childishly. "She was the one who comforted me when you left me heartbroken. I really liked you back then, you know!"

Napangiwi ako. "You're still going on about that?"

"If you're here to woo me, I'm sorry but I'd have to say no. Naka-move on na ako sayo at masaya na ako ngayon! I waited for so long to say this to your face, Aria... Hi, ako nga pala 'yong sinayang mo!"

Pfft. He's sulking like a kid.

"Yes, yes. Although it's late, congratulations on your marriage, Tobi. I'm really happy for you." nakangiti kong sabi.

He seemed taken aback by my response.

"I'm saying this just in case you feel guilty," Tobi gently patted my head as he spoke. "But nobody blamed you when you suddenly left without a word. Hindi man namin alam ang buong kwento... But we knew you had your reasons."

I bit my lower lip to hold back my tears.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"We know." He smiled warmly. "We know, Aria."

I burst into sobs. "I'm really sorry..."

It felt like a heavy load was taken from the chest. Matagal ko nang gustong sabihin sa kanila 'to... I'd always wanted to reach out to them and to apologize, but I just couldn't get myself to do it.

After so many years, I finally managed to say it.

Shortly, I had to part ways with Tobi because he still had some work. Habang hinihintay na matapos si Sir Alex sa meeting nila, naglibot-libot muna ako sa Solar.

I found myself in the smoking area.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit dito ako dinala ng mga paa ko. Siguro gano'n talaga, kusa tayong bumabalik doon sa nagpapasaya at nagpapasakit sa puso natin.

Pero hindi ako bumalik dito para makita siya.

Kaya anong ginagawa niya rito?

"You're not exactly someone that I want to see at the moment. Why are you here?" Sir Lars glared at me. "Quite shameless of you to come here."

My chest heaved. His words sting, as usual.

"Aren't you supposed to be meeting with Sir Alex?"

Again, there was a cigarette on his mouth, but it wasn't lit. Sir Lars looked up to the skies. "Ah, right. I have a meeting with Alterra today."

Napayuko ako.

Sir Lars eyed me indifferently. "What should I do? I came here to hide and ditch him because I didn't want to see you, but then you're here with me."

Tumalikod na ako. "I'm leaving, then."

"Go ahead. You're only good at running away."

Huminto ako sa paglalakad at muli ko siyang nilingon. "Of course I'd run away from you. Every time we bump into each other, you only say mean things and you refuse to hold a proper conversation with me."

It seemed like Sir Lars wanted to say something, but he held back. After a moment of silence, the words he spoke caught me off guard.

"Then let's talk now." A spasm of pain crossed his face. "I'm tired of resenting you, too. So let's do it now. Let's talk and be done with each other."

My lips quivered. How much do you hate me?

I wish I could do it like him. To say such hurtful words without batting an eyelash... I envy him.

"Why did you leave me?" matigas niyang tanong.

"Because I felt guilty. I did that to you." I answered while staring at his blinded eye. "Had I been more calm and rational that night, you wouldn't have lost your eye. But I was so clouded by jealousy..."

His voice cracked. "I never blamed you, Aria. I told you it was my fault. I let that fucking asshole give me a blowjob. You were hurt. That was the story."

I couldn't see clearly because of my tears.

"Pero sinaktan din kita. Alam ko namang hindi mo ginusto 'yon pero pinagsalitaan kita nang masama." katwiran ko at pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko. "Do you think you could still be happy with me after what happened?"

His jaw clenched. "I wasn't there with you just to be happy, Moya. I was there to live, and part of living was to get hurt. I was willing to get hurt with you. I thought you were the same."

Masakit. Mabigat. Hindi ako makahinga.

Ang dami ko pang gustong sabihin sa kanya pero nangapa ako ng mga salita. Pero naisip ko, kung hindi ko sasabihin ang lahat ngayon, baka pagsisihan ko habang buhay. Ayoko nang magsisi.

"Mahal parin kita. Sobra." umiiyak kong pag-amin at tinakpan ang mukha ko. "Alam kong ako 'yong nang-iwan at bumitaw, pero gusto kong malaman mo na mahal na mahal parin kita, Lars Altaria."

At the moment, my heart was so overwhelmed by my own emotions. It was selfish, but I just had to say it no matter what. I didn't want to regret it.

I wasn't expecting anything. I knew we were already done and it was too late to go back. But the words he uttered next, spoken in a soft yet resentful tone, made me feel selfishly happy.

"I still love you, too. Why do you think I carry a goddamn pack of cigarettes with me when I had already stopped smoking a long time ago?" Tears streamed down to his cheeks. "I could quit from smoking but I just couldn't quit from you, Moya."

---

Love and Cigarettes will be ending soon.

Thank you for staying with me!

Yours Truly,
Aomine-san