Patrick

It's around two in the morning when I get the call. I can't hear much, just her grandmother crying and the words car accident and hospital coming out repeatedly.

My mind isn't thinking straight. Nothing is processing as I sit here on my bed as her grandmother cries and tries to think of what to do. My body is telling me to run right now to the hospital, to just get up right now and go, but my legs can't do it. It's like my life has just been frozen in place, my world ready to crumble down right around my feet and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

"Mom!" I finally manage to shout, my feet stumbling to pull my sweatpants on, the tears coming out uncontrollably. Oh my god our fight. We just had a fight and it was my fault.

She throws open my door with her bathrobe fastened around her waist, her hair a complete mess and her eyes widening once she sees me crying. I don't ever cry in front of anyone, but right now it feels like my heart just completely exploded in my chest because the girl I love is in the hospital right now and it's all because of me.

"Ella..." I say, trying to breathe between sobs. "She's in the hospital. I need to go to her. Now."

"Patrick, what happened? Is she-"

"I don't know, mom! We just need to go, and we need to go now!"

My mom hasn't spoken to me since she figured out the lie I had so idiotically come up with to tell Ella, but right now I need her more than anything. I think she can sense that because she just wraps her arm around my shoulder and leads me downstairs.

"I'm sorry." I cry. "I didn't mean to yell, I can't-"

"Just get in the car." She says quietly. "You'll be with her soon."

___________

My heart is pounding when the emergency room doors open. I've never been good with hospitals. Everything about them just screams death. It doesn't help that I can't see anything through the blurry vision of my tears, and when I ask what room she's in all they can tell me is that she's been moved to ICU. Nothing else matters right now except her, and as I race through the lobby to the elevators I'm just praying I'm not too late. God, I know I'm a screw up. I know I'm the biggest idiot in the entire world, but please don't take her away from me. Do not take the one good thing that has ever happened in my life away from me.

The elevator doors open and that's when I see her grandparents in the waiting room. Her grandpa is holding her grandma as she sobs and rocks her back and forth to comfort her. I don't know how bad she is, or what condition she's in, but I quickly find out when her grandfather narrows his eyes in my direction, clearly wishing I didn't exist. "You son of a bitch!" He shouts. "She died because of you!"

There's a nurse pushing a cart down the hallway, and when she hears him she stops in her tracks to look at me. I can't tell you what she said, or anything else anyone did, the only thing I can allow myself to do is stand here. No part of my body functioning, my heart not beating, my lip trembling, my worst fear coming true.

"I know exactly what you did." He sneers, his tone as cold as ice. "She called me to explain what happened as she was driving home, and when her damn scream came through the speaker-" He stops himself, letting the tears flow freely. "You did this. She was crying and wasn't paying attention because you didn't love her."

"Bob..." Her grandmother whispers.

He gets close to my face now, pointing his finger directly into it. "No, he deserves to hear this. You're a coward, son. I hope you wake up every day with regret in your heart. I hope you picture her face and remember all of the hurt you caused this family every single second for the rest of your life. This is on you."

I can't breathe from crying so hard. Everything is starting to become blurry and faded. I'm not sure if the nurse is still here, I'm not sure if I'm still standing right now. My feet haven't moved since I've gotten off the elevator, and all I can think about is that she's gone. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her or give her one last kiss. I didn't get to admire her curls or admire her lips. I didn't get to cherish that infectious smile or that laugh one last time. Oh my god, I lost her.

"I-I'm so sorry!" I scream, my whole entire body shaking. "I loved her. I loved her so much, and I know nobody believes me but I loved her. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry."

It's silent for the longest time. There's this stupid television playing a sitcom in the background and the audience is laughing, almost making a mockery of me. I shouldn't be standing here anymore. I know they don't want me here. Her grandmother then seems to give me a look as if to tell me to leave, and I don't blame them. Maybe I'm waiting for them to explain to me what really happened, or to respond to what I said, but when they continue to be quiet with just the sounds of their sobs being heard, I turn to go and hear the last thing I ever wanted to.

"Not enough." Her grandfather finally chokes out. "You didn't love her enough."

__________

I can't speak to my mom in the car. Her grandfather's words surround my head like daggers, each sentence making my heart break a little more. My mom knew the outcome of what happened, and she cries on the way home, the both of us being silent for the remainder of the time before we pull into the driveway. In some way I feel like my mom hates me. I don't blame her because I hate me too.

My sobs never stop when we get home. I make it as far as I can into the house before I collapse onto the hardwood floor of our entryway, my mom sinking down onto the floor beside me to hold me in her arms. Ella is gone and there is nothing I can possibly do to bring her back.

Our memories won't leave my head. The day I first saw her, the day we first spoke, the day I kissed her and felt like fireworks had gone off, the night I took her virginity and swore I'd never love someone as much as I loved her. All of these moments I won't be able to relive again. They're gone, suddenly vanished in the blink of an eye.

"I-I killed her!" I scream, my voice being muffled from the fabric of her bathrobe. "She's gone and it's because of me."

Nothing my mom says could possibly make me think anything different. I don't even pay attention to anything coming out of her mouth exactly for that reason. If I hadn't been such an asshole, and if I could have gotten the balls to tell everyone at that party that I loved her, then she would still be here. She would be here right in my arms and nothing would have happened. I would have kept her safe.

"Honey, breathe." She soothes, her tears falling onto my cheeks.

"I don't deserve to!" I finally gasp. "I deserve to die too. And mom, nobody believes me, but I loved Ella. She meant everything to me, okay? I've never thought about a future with anyone, but with Ella I had a future planned out. I was going to graduate, and then I was going to go to college wherever the hell she was. Then I would have proposed, and then we would have gotten married, and then we would have had kids, and oh my god, why did this have to fucking happen!"

My fist comes into contact with the floor, and when it feels good I do it again. And then again, and again, and again until my mom tells me to stop and holds me against her chest once more.

"I know you did, sweetheart. Believe me, I know."

"What did she do when she came here and found out?" I suddenly ask out of curiosity. "What did she say to you?"

Talking about Ella probably isn't going to help me any, but it seems like the only thing I want to do. Picturing anything except her crying face walking away from me last night seems to be the only thing bringing me away from the pain right now.

"She showed up here with homemade soup." She says softly.

"What?"

"Chicken Noodle. She said she home made it for you because you said you were sick."

Now I'm sobbing even harder than the first time picturing her with soup for me to make me feel better on the front porch of my house. She was probably so excited about it. She probably couldn't wait to make me feel better, and right now I would give anything to have her next to me. I'd give anything to apologize to her.

"It's still here if you want some." She says.

Sending her a look of disbelief, I narrow my eyes and shrug her arm off of me. Why the hell would I want the soup she made me? Is she insane? I'm not going to eat something I don't deserve to eat. She probably wouldn't want me to have it anyways. "Why would I want to eat that right now, mom?"

"I don't know." She sighs. "I'm sorry, you're right. I'm just trying to make it better, but I can't. I know nothing that I say is going to take this pain away from you right now, but God makes everything happen for a-"

"God wouldn't make this happen." I finish for her. "This wasn't in his plan. This was the devil. Ella being taken away from this world when she had so much left to offer is in no way shape or form God's doing. If it is, then that's some really messed up-"

"Be careful what you're saying right now Patrick." She warns. "The Lord is never wrong."

"So you're saying what happened is right? Are you saying what happened to Ella is a good thing?" I can't help but get pissed, the urge to leave becoming stronger.

"No!" She shrieks, almost offended I had said such a thing. "Patrick, that's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that sometimes the unthinkable happens, and it's hard to understand why things happen the way they do, but maybe somewhere down the road we'll understand why."

I'm fuming right now, my body being forced to stand up so I can pace back and forth. There's no way I can sleep right now, or even try to go to sleep for that matter. I need to be anywhere but here. I need some time to myself.

"I'm going out." I mutter, wiping the remainder of my tears away.

"And what on earth are you going to do? Patrick, do not do anything stupid that could-"

"I'm not doing anything stupid, mom. I'm just doing something I should have done a long time ago."

The tears I cried vanished, and what my body is being replaced with is anger. They say that there are five stages of death I think, and I don't know if being able to switch stages so quickly is a good or a bad thing, but all I can feel is anger. I'm pissed that she's gone, I'm furious that I let her walk away when she was so sad, but most importantly, I'm livid that I couldn't explain to everyone how I really felt.

Author's Note: 

Welp...

I know you all PROBABLY weren't expecting this... 

But I just want to say that not every love story has a happy ending

some books have to hurt in order to teach some lessons folks

this story isn't over just yet, there are more chapters, so don't stop reading

I know some of you probably hate me, but...

KEEP READING PLEASE

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