Patrick

The funeral is brutal. This day has haunted me in my dreams at night, and now that it's finally here it's exactly how I pictured it to be. People crying, people hugging one another, some people even laughing, which pissed me the hell off. When is it ever okay to laugh at a funeral? I wouldn't know because I've never been to one, but I'm certainly not in the mood to laugh.

Ella's funeral is at a church. The actual service is being held here, and then the burial is being held a couple of minutes away. Flowers are in heaps all over the place. I don't know a single person here, and the piece of paper I had written my eulogy on is stuffed in the pocket of my suit jacket with my mom and dad right beside me for support. It comforts me to know that they're here, but that doesn't stop the tears from falling on my face when I see the casket. It's at the very front of the church with once again, heaps and heaps of flowers sent from endless amounts of people. The picture is what gets me though. It's one of her senior pictures. She's in a red dress in the middle of the country with a cornfield in the back, her long brunette curls blowing in the wind. God, she was so beautiful when she smiled.

Her mom is seated in the front along with her grandparents and probably the rest of her family I wasn't able to meet. As the pastor goes up to the front of the chapel, I take a seat with my parents towards the middle before the whole entire place gets quiet. It's so quiet that all you can hear is the creaking of the wooden benches as people shift around, the silent sniffles from practically everyone crying.

Clearing his throat, the priest begins to speak. "We gather here today to celebrate the life of Ella Grace Carson, who has now returned to her home with Our God, The Father."

I shift uncomfortably in my seat with the rest of the crowd and my mom can sense that because she puts her arm around my shoulder as I try to hold more tears back. It's not that I don't believe in the whole "after death" thing, because in a way I do, it's just tough to imagine that after someone passes away they're automatically in this magical place called heaven and everything is suddenly all better. It just seems way too good to be true. But as I stare at her picture sitting in front of her casket, I send one of the very few prayers I've ever sent to God and pray that she is somewhere safe. I pray that she's happy and healthy and still the beautiful girl she was when she was right next to me.

I quickly find out that the Carson's are Catholic when Mass begins and the priest begins the introductory, praising God and asking for God's mercy, and then her cousin goes up and begins to read a reading from the Old Testament followed by her Grandfather, whom I sob to when he starts to choke up. I guess I'm a little bit more emotional hearing his speech because I know how much he hates me. If I could reverse time and if I could go back and shout it to the entire damn campfire that I loved her, I would. Then we wouldn't be here in this chapel mourning over Ella. Instead, we would actually be celebrating her life in the real world and not a funeral.

My heart completely stops it seems like when the priest calls my name and has already announced to the church that the family requested I speak. He referred to me as her boyfriend, and I liked the sound of it except I didn't deserve that title. I don't think her grandparents thought I deserved that title either.

I stand up, my knees practically buckling as I walk down the long row and step up to the podium, looking out into the huge crowd that have attended her funeral. I'm not sure if everyone here knew Ella personally, but practically everyone is crying. My eyes are probably completely bloodshot by now from my tears, my fingers shakily pulling out the piece of paper from my jacket pocket so that I can unfold it.

My mouth is about to open, but when I look back out into the crowd again I see Drew. Not just Drew, but Jess, Nina and Rosie and the rest of the basketball team all in the back wearing their formal attire staring directly at me. This time they aren't laughing. This time they aren't cracking a joke about Ella or sending her snide remarks. This time they're alert and paying attention as Jess, Nina and Rosie are crying. Drew, along with the rest of the team, are silent with stone cold faces.

"The priest just announced me as Ella's boyfriend, but as much as I'd like to accept that title and wear it I don't think I'm quite worthy enough of it." I lock eyes with her grandfather who nods in agreement, wiping away more tears from his eyes as her grandmother tries to console him. God, this is way harder than I thought it was going to be. "Ella Carson was the best thing that ever happened to me. We, uh, only knew each other for the summer, but over the course of this summer we fell in love. I didn't think it was possible to care about someone so much, but with Ella it just came naturally. I found myself wanting to be with her every second of the day, and anyone that knew her probably felt the same way. Her personality was infectious."

I'm not looking at the piece of paper yet even though I should, but what I had written down doesn't seem right now. When I look out into the crowd at her mother practically bawling, her grandparents shaking their heads in disbelief at the casket, but most importantly my group of friends that are sitting in the back, the speech I had written doesn't make sense. Before I read the piece of paper in front of me I have some other things I have to explain first.

"When I was asked to speak today I didn't think I should at first. The reason I say that is because I didn't treat Ella the way she deserved. I'm not sure why it takes the death of someone else to make us reflect on ourselves and realize how wrong we've been, but I'm hoping that maybe in the future we can change. I cared more about the opinions of others than caring more about the beautiful girl I had right in my hands, and unfortunately I let her get away. If I could go back, and if I could-" The tears fall onto my cheeks and I have to stop myself, hearing the start of more people cry with me as well.

Her grandfather is giving me a different look now. It's more of an encouraging one, him nodding his head for me to keep going. "And I was a coward." I say directly to her grandfather. "I was a coward to not tell everyone I was in love with her. I guess the reason I agreed to speak in the first place is because I wanted to share my story with everyone. Not only to Ella, who is hopefully looking down on me right now, but with all of you. Don't let others opinions in life stop you from having what you really want. I let the influence of a couple of high school teenagers stop me from having the girl of my dreams. So, I'm saying it now Ella. I hope you can hear me. Unfortunately it's too late, but I love you and one day I'll see you again. Thank you."

Nobody says anything once I finish, but I don't think they're supposed to. All I can hear is the continuous sound of sniffling as I walk back over to my sobbing mother, who wraps me in a warm embrace and gently kisses my cheek. "I am so proud of you, Patrick." She whispers.

__________

My parents go to get the car after the funeral lets out, and as I'm standing at the curb to wait for them I see Jess dabbing her puffy eyes with tissue, Nina's arm wrapped around her shoulder. When her eyes lock with mine I'm expecting her to cuss me out, or to tell me to go to hell, but when she falls into my chest for a hug I'm unsure of what to do. Eventually I wrap my arms around her back and let her cry for a couple of minutes, and a part of me feels like crying again too, but my body won't let me. It feels drained of everything at the moment.

"I just feel like there was something I could have done." She finally gasps, pulling away from my chest. "I could have called her, I could have hung out with her that night. I could have done something! Anything!"

"Jess." I say her name sternly, causing her to look at me. "You literally did everything you could have for her. You were her best friend. Not just here, but in general. She told me that. You were the only one to be able to claim her as your friend in front of everyone, and that's something I couldn't do. So, thank you for doing what I didn't have the balls to. You were an incredible friend to her."

"T-Thank you." She stutters in-between sobs, burying her head into Nina's chest now.

Out of the corner of my eye I see her father walking towards his car. When he pulls out a small canteen from his coat pocket and takes a swig from it I curse under my breath. I knew he was still an alcoholic. I knew what he was saying to Ella that night was utter bullshit.

I want to go up to him when he reaches his car and punch him in the face. Not only for not being there for her, but for driving drunk as well. He's probably used to being tipsy though, and I also wonder where he was sitting during the service because I didn't see him.

Watching him open up the car door, he glances in my direction and I narrow my eyes at him. I'll never get to speak to him about my true feelings because after today because I don't think I'll ever speak to or see her family again. Staring at this man who caused so much pain on Ella makes my stomach twist up in knots. Seeing this man makes me sick.

"Hey!" I shout, picking up my pace to head towards him. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Patrick." A hand lands on my shoulder, and when I turn around I realize it's her grandfather. I'm about to ask him what he wants, or if he thought my speech was okay, but when he pulls me in for a hug I'm completely shocked. He isn't the hugging type, and I think he realizes what he's doing because he quickly pulls away and clears his throat. "Ella would have liked that speech." He says. "You don't need to prove anything more to her. Let that piece of shit go back to where he came from, alright?"

"Thanks." I say sheepishly. I see her dad look at me for a couple more seconds from a distance before he finally gets into his car again. "I guess I'm just trying to make everything right with the little time I have."

"You've done as much as you can" He replies. "I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you, Patrick. It was just easier for me to put the blame on someone else rather than face what had actually happened."

"You don't have any reason to be sorry, but thank you sir. If anything, you opened my eyes and showed me who I truly am. Don't say you were wrong for doing that, because you weren't. I was a coward, but believe me when I say that you have changed my life. A coward is something I will never be called again."

He smiles for the first time in four days it seems like after I reach out to shake his hand. It almost feels like right here in this moment Ella is with me. I hope I continue to get these little bursts of feelings the rest of my life. I did this today solely for Ella, nobody else. I gave her what she deserved. I truly loved her, and I believe that one day we will meet again. Until that day I will patiently wait.

"Thank you, Bob." I tell him again. "I mean that."

Author's Note

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