Ella

June 14th, 2018.

Christian,

Why did you leave?

I used to ask myself this question over and over again until my head hurt, until I couldn't breathe from crying so hard, until my lungs felt like they would lose all of the air from them just at the mere memory of you leaving. Do you ever stop and think about that day last year? Remember, Valentine's Day? Do you remember when you told me that you were going to make my first Valentine's Day so special that I'd never forget it? Do you remember how excited I was that day you told me that you were going to take me out, even if we were only just friends? Nothing more?

Maybe, just maybe you have a faint recognition of when I cried so hard in my mother's lap when you stood me up. Were you not there? Did you not see that I had braided my hair that day for about an hour? Did you not see me debating for an entire night of the outfit I would pick out just for you? I could have sworn you were there. You couldn't have been with someone else, right? You couldn't have taken out another girl for dinner and a movie on Valentine's Day and left me alone, right? You promised you would be there. I stared out the window for an hour waiting for headlights. You never showed.

Christian, am I going crazy? The fact that it's been a whole year and the memory of you still feels like a knife just completely carved a new hole in my chest deeply concerns me. I'm getting tired of writing about you. I'm getting awfully tired of wasting my time thinking about someone who no longer cares for me. Did I matter to you at all?

At the end of the day I feel as if I'm getting stronger though. Not that you'd care because you will never read this, but I can feel my heart healing. Even if it's mending half a stitch every six months I know that I am healing. I'm not sure when I will stop writing about you, or when these stitches will finally be mended shut, but what I do know is that I am healing. That is most important.

I am healing.

__________

A day at the shack is just like any other day. It's a Saturday so it's too busy to even stop to look at the clock. All you can hear is the overly loud conversations of customers and the clattering of dishes from the kitchen. Little beads of sweat are traveling down my forehead as I quickly rush from table to table to try and keep everybody satisfied. The only positive to it being busy is that the tips I'll be getting tonight will be unreal.

I wish I didn't have to work; I wish I could just quit because Patrick and I only have a month and a half left together before I have to leave. Just thinking about it makes my stomach twist up in anxiety and nerves. I see him sitting at the bar again on this busy night to watch the big game with the drunk men and feel the twist knot up even more than it already is. God I'm going to miss him.

It's so busy that I almost don't even notice him sitting there, but he's staring at me as usual with a little smile on his face. I don't know why he doesn't want to do something much more entertaining than watch me work, but it seems to satisfy him so I ignore it and just let him be. When I tried confronting him about it before all he had to say was, I like watching you work, El. It's a free country.

"I thought I'd drop by and see you before I go and play basketball with Drew." He says as I try to cash someone out at the register. "You know, if that's okay."

"Why wouldn't it be okay?" I ask him, wiping away more sweat on my forehead. There's a clattering of dishes behind me from another waitress dropping them as I hand back the change to the customer. When I notice he's not saying anything I pause for a moment, cursing myself for allowing my body to sweat like this in front of him. It's probably about ninety degrees in here from all of the smoke and humidity flooding in from outside. I don't even want to picture what my hair looks like right now.

"I thought maybe you'd want me here." He mutters.

"I do want you here, but I can't talk to you like I normally would be able to. It's packed. If you want to go and play basketball then that's fine. Are you going to come and see me later?"

"Of course." He immediately says, running his fingers over his hair. His eyes look like a light caramel today from the sun, just a bunch of different versions of light and dark browns all swirled and connected so perfectly. "I wouldn't miss it."

He looks like he wants to kiss me but I give him that silent look to tell him not to, so he just winks instead and leaves so I can finish out the rest of the night. It seems to be never ending with needy customers asking me for a refill or for some condiments, and honestly I feel like ripping my hair out when we close, finally being surrounded with only the clattering of dishes and the gentle pattering of the dishwasher in the kitchen. I'm actually starting to feel at peace until Jess comes up behind me and taps me on the shoulder.

"Alright, I just need to know. What's going on with you and Patrick?" She asks, her eyebrow arching up slightly.

When I hear the question I don't know how to respond. Even though Patrick apologized for what happened on the boardwalk I still don't know if he wants me to tell people because we aren't exactly fond of the public displays of affection. Well, I'm not anyhow that is. I just don't know if he wants me to tell people or not. When will this feeling of being ashamed of myself go away? Why do I always feel like everyone is trying to hide me? I have flashbacks of Christian in that exact moment, quickly pushing them out of my mind before I let myself think about it for too long.

"Nothing." I lie, shrugging my shoulders as if I'm telling the truth. "We're just friends."

"Ella, he brought you flowers and comes in here all the time. He sits here and stares at you while you work, and you look like Justin Bieber just walked in the damn room every single time you notice that he's here. Never in my life since I've known Patrick Connelly have I seen him this infatuated with someone. Do you think I'm stupid?"

Taking a second to count the change, I pause when I get to the pennies and can't help but smile. I don't see the problem with telling her because out of all of his friends Jess is the one I trust the most. If I can be honest, I'd love to hear more about what she has to say about him being different with me. It helps to know that I'm not just imagining everything. He really is into me.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

She crosses her arms over her chest and sends me a disapproving look. For a second I think she's being judgmental, but then she smiles slightly and says, "I've been waiting for you to tell me for like, a long time."

"Huh?" I splutter, clutching the till with my hands. I'm suddenly nervous, because it's almost as if she knows. It's almost as if she can read my mind right now.

"Patrick told me." She huffs. "I had to find out from Patrick! When were you going to decide to say anything to your best friend here?"

I want to tell her that I'm sorry, I want to tell her that I was wrong, but I'm frozen in shock because Patrick actually told her. He told someone about me. My first reaction is to smile, so that's exactly what I do. It's a smile so wide that I think my face might be stuck like this forever.

"Um..." I trail off, still unsure of what to say. I can feel my cheeks getting redder with each second that passes by. "What did he tell you?"

"I don't know." She responds jokingly, holding open the door to the kitchen for me so that I can bring the till to the office. "Should I tell you? Because you seem to withhold a lot of things from me lately."

"Shut up!" I plead, silently begging her. Aaron is washing the dishes, and he sends us a wave as we head into the office to open up the safe. I want to hear what he's said about me more than anything. I just can't believe he actually told someone. I honestly can't believe it.

"Buy me ice cream and I'll spill." She smirks.

It's an easy request, so I gladly buy her a cone after we close up to finally hear what I've been wanting to for the past half hour. It seems as if she knows I'm dying to hear this, because she keeps smiling at me as she slowly licks the ice cream, our feet hitting the sand at a semi-slow pace.

"Jess!" I fix her with a hard look, brushing some strands of hair out of my face from the wind. "Seriously, what did he tell you?"

She erupts into giggles, putting her hands up in defeat. "Okay," She says. "It all started the day all of them came into the diner when we were both working. Do you remember that? The day he walked you home?"

"He told you about that?" I blurt out, immediately blushing. "Oh my god."

"Yeah. I met up with everyone to go swimming and I tried to pry it out of him. It didn't take much. He sang like a canary in no time." She grins proudly, eating some more of her ice cream.

"So, you knew this entire time and didn't tell me?" I ask. "Why?"

She shrugs, almost getting down to the cone. "It didn't feel like my news to break. I was going to wait until you were ready. Plus, I didn't know if you guys were officially a thing yet. Last I knew he was planning on it, but never heard anything else."

I nod my head, my body still numb from this newfound information. The thought of Patrick getting all shy and nervous about me just makes me way too giddy. I don't even know what to do with all of the emotions floating around in my head at the moment.

"I finally just had to tell you that I knew because I'm tired of seeing you guys look like s an old married couple. I mean, are you a couple? If so, when did it happen? Also, why the hell wouldn't you tell me? There's so many questions I have."

"It's not that I didn't want to tell you Jess, I just didn't know what you'd think if you knew we were together."

"You think me finding out that two of my best friends are dating would piss me off?"

"No." I sigh, staring down at my feet in the sand. We continue walking, a small bonfire being noticeable ahead. "Patrick and I just aren't the average couple, you know? I'm not really his type."

"Patrick doesn't have a type." Jess replies. " Like I said before, he dates people that he has a connection with, whether that be a girl that's skinny, or a girl that's curvy. Those are his own words. I'm just repeating them."

My phone buzzes in my hand suddenly, Patrick's face lighting up on the screen. I'm trying to avoid Jess from seeing, but it's no use because she's already grinning from ear to ear and urging me to answer it.

Swiping across the screen, I bring it up to my ear and try to wipe the smile off of my face. "Hello?"

"Hey." He replies excitedly. "How's my favorite person?"

"Aw!" Jess shouts next to me, forcing me to place my hand over the speaker.

"Is that Jess?" He asks.

"Yes." I sigh, sending a death glare over towards her. "Sorry, she's being annoying."

Without a second thought, Jess grabs the cell phone from my ear and puts it on speaker. "Hi Patrick." She giggles and runs a couple paces ahead of me when I try to lunge for it. "How are you?"

"Uh, I'm good." He chuckles. "What are you doing with Ella's phone?"

"Oh nothing..." She trails off. "We're just talking about how in love the two of you are."

"Jess!" I groan in embarrassment, trying another desperate attempt to get my phone back. Her fingers are wrapped so tightly around it though it's almost impossible.

"So I'm guessing she told you that we're together?" His voice is all fuzzy on the speaker, and once he finally admits it Jess's eyes light up like a christmas tree.

"I do now!" She shrieks. "I've been trying to get it out of Ella for the past hour. You guys seriously suck for keeping this a secret from me."

Sand keeps getting into my sneakers, so I finally stop and tug them off, along with my socks, and dangle them from my fingertips.

"Oh, my bad." He laughs again, the sound being like music to my ears. "Sorry Ella."

"It's fine." I roll my eyes and finally am able to grab the phone back from Jess's hand. I wish I could stop smiling, but it seems almost impossible. "How's basketball?"

"Uh, good. We were just taking a break right now before we play another game. I have to go though because we're about to start. Am I still coming over later?"

"Of course." I say, rolling my eyes again at Jess who keeps drawing hearts into the air with her hands. "I'll see you then."

After we say goodbye I stuff my phone into the pocket of the dress, fixating my eyes on the water instead of Jess. I'm not embarrassed that she knows about Patrick and I, I'm just in shock I guess that she's so accepting of it. The fact that I've been able to find a boyfriend and a best friend this summer is still mind boggling to me. I don't know what I did to deserve such great people to come into my life.

"I knew you guys were dating." Jess says with excitement, knowing that she was right. She begins to twirl around in the sand, almost as if she's dancing. "You guys are so cute together. I can't wait to tell Nina."

"Really?" I ask, stopping dead in my tracks to face her. "Do you honestly think that Jess?"

"Um, yes?" She replies. "You don't?"

For the first time in my life it's almost as if I'm realizing that maybe it's not weird for Patrick and I to be together. Maybe Jess is right. Maybe I'm not as ugly as I make myself out to be. Drew and Rosie and all of the other people that have bullied me are just assholes, but the ones who count think that we're great together. That should be all that matters.

"Have I ever mentioned that I'm extremely grateful we became best friends this summer?"

Linking my arm with hers, I drag her down the beach more before we both begin to erupt into laughter. I never knew I'd become so happy here, or that I'd meet so many incredible people, but I think the biggest shock of all is that I actually feel normal. And as Jess and I begin to dance together on the beach beneath the moonlight I feel like for the first time I'm fitting in, and for the first time I don't feel like an outcast. 

A/N:

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