Ella

July 7th, 2018

Christian,

Do you remember when I wanted to surprise you and drove to your house to see you? We hadn't hung out in a while, and I didn't think that I needed to call. I didn't realize that your friends were over that night. I wish I had. My car was parked in your driveway and I texted you, only for you to tell me that it wasn't a good time. I should just go home.

I don't know if you remember, but moments after I got to your house there was a torrential downpour that night. I didn't feel safe driving home, so I backed out of the driveway and parked on the curb until it let up so that I could drive back. I kept telling myself that it was a guy's night. I didn't know you were having friends over, so it was my fault that I showed up unexpectedly.

But when you came out of your front door with another girl, I began to question everything. It wasn't just you and her. Your friends were there too. So, did you kiss her too? Did you tell her you loved her too? You knew I was parked in front of your house because you looked directly at me. You saw me waiting for the rain to stop, but you didn't come to explain anything to me. You didn't let me meet your friends like she got to. Instead, you walked directly to your car and opened the door up for her, got in yourself, and then drove to take her home.

After I found out later on that yes, there was someone else aside from me, I began to ask myself why wasn't I good enough to meet your friends? Why wasn't I good enough to be let inside? Why wasn't it me that you drove home that night? Why did you want her there instead of me? Why was I not worth an explanation? Why did you choose someone else? Why did you never make me your girlfriend? Why was I not worthy enough to be shown off?

Why?

~

I haven't spoken to Patrick since our phone conversation, and some part of me is thankful for that. I don't want to see him after I let myself talk about the things I've never talked about with anyone. I mentally curse him for that because how dare he just waltz into my life and get me to open up so easily to him? How dare he think he can see right through me? The worst part about all of this is that I know that he can. He can see right through me. No matter how much I try to deny it, his breathing that I woke up to on the phone the next morning knew differently. He must have known I didn't want to get off the phone with him, or that he was the only damn thing circulating throughout my brain for the past week. Maybe that's why he hasn't called me.

My emotions are ones that I don't speak about. I normally keep them hidden inside, but that night when I called him, despite every nervous feeling in my body telling me not to, I felt myself with him. Not the shy and nervous Ella, but the somewhat confident and funny one. He witnessed the little amount of confidence I have left, but I swear it all vanished when I walked into work to see him at the shack seated at the bar once again. I almost want to know how long he's been here for. A part of me thinks that maybe he came here because I wasn't, but when he has that damn smile on his face when he sees me I just know that's not the truth. The truth is that he came here to see me, I just don't want to believe it.

My heart is telling me to talk to him, but my mind tells me to ignore him. My mind is just looking out for me like it always has, and it's better to go on the safe side rather than to get my heart broken by someone who can't possibly be interested in me. Following my brain, I walk directly past him only to feel his fingertips grasp my wrist. Even the smallest amount of contact with him makes me lose every ounce of oxygen left in my body at this exact moment.

"Ella." He smiles, his teeth practically glowing. "How are you?"

Why does he make me feel like this? Why do I feel like my insides are literally dancing right now, little butterflies fluttering out of every organ I have, and having a party inside?

"Uh, hey." I reach down below the register to grab the binder Jess told me to use for the drawer count and begin to sign into it, my fingers growing accustomed to the keys. Meanwhile, he doesn't stop staring at me. I think he kind of looks hurt maybe, which is strange, but he then leans over and grabs a notepad from the counter, helping himself to a pen as well and leaving the objects to sit in front of me.

"What are you doing?" I ask, my eyebrows furrowing together in confusion.

"Your number. I don't have it and you never called me back."

"You don't have caller ID?" I question.

"I looked in my contacts after we got off the phone and it came up as an unknown caller. So, I need your number again please."

Ignoring the questions floating around in my head, I let out a loud sigh and scribble down my number onto the small piece of paper, ripping off the corner edge so I can hand it back to him.

Jess heads over with that same expression on her face that she's been giving me for the past couple of days now. She thinks that there's something going on between us, but there isn't. I genuinely think Patrick is just trying to be nice to me.

"Hey!" She squeaks with happiness, leaning over the countertop to give Patrick a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"Well..." He trails off, leaning forward to rest on his elbows. "I'm actually here to invite the both of you to Drew's party tonight. I'm kind of in charge of pressuring people to go."

I wrinkle my nose up in disgust. "Is that all you guys do?"

"Can Nina come too?" Jess asks, batting her eyelashes towards him in a childish manner.

"Yes." He lets out a laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. "Why wouldn't she be able to come?"

Seeming satisfied with his answer, we both watch her hurry over to one of her tables, an extra pep in her step from her excitement about the party. I'm trying to avoid Patrick's gaze as I begin to count the drawer, but it seems to be impossible.

"So, I guess I'll see you there?" He asks.

"Uh, maybe. Parties just aren't my thing. After the bonfire, I've just kind of determined that I'm not welcome at the parties you all throw."

"Well, what if I told you I didn't invite Rosie?"

"That still wouldn't matter." I try to explain. "Who honestly wants me there? Drew could care less, so what's the point?"

He stares at me intently for a couple of moments, pressing his lips together into a firm line. "I want you there." He tells me. "We could hang out."

"You?" I laugh in disbelief. "You want to hang out with me?"

"Jesus Ella, you act like it'd be like the world ending or something. Yes, I want to hang out with you. Will you come?"

I have to admit, spending an evening with Patrick is pretty hard to pass up. Even if there's a bunch of drunk people there I'll at least be able to spend some time with him. I'm starting to not feel like myself from going to all of these parties lately.

"Sure." I sigh, finally giving in to him. "What time?"

"Ten." He says, rising up from the bar stool. I can tell he's happy because he's covering his mouth with his hand to keep from smiling, which I find insanely cute. I don't know why he's so interested in getting to know me. All I know is that talking with him feels nice. It feels like I'm not as alone.

His body is tall and lean as he gives me a small wave and leaves, his muscles showing through yet again, another tank he's wearing. I realize he wears those a lot, and this one has a Hawaiian print on it with the colors of the American flag. How patriotic, Patrick.

I feel like asking him if this is a date, but then I inwardly want to slap myself. This is not a date. This is a boy who maybe is just nice enough to be friends with me and would ignore the hate other people gave me. As far as I'm concerned that's the most I'll ever get out of a guy. I know that maybe one day in the future I'll find someone who loves me because, you know, the older you get the more desperate you get, but I want it now. I want to experience what everyone else experiences. I don't want to be thirty when I find someone. I want to be young and carefree, to have a love that lasts maybe even the summer. It doesn't need to be forever, but as the days to the end of my time here continue to dwindle down I can't help but start to let go of that dream.

Then Patrick comes to mind. Oh, Patrick. His beautiful mind and his funny story about camping. How he told me he slept with three girls and my mind wandered to what they looked like. They were probably skinny, probably like Jess. He told me he was obsessed with Superman and I think that's the cutest thing in the entire world. I even allowed myself to think about the future and how maybe I'd buy him something Superman for Christmas, or maybe I'd get the chance to take him camping and help him pitch a tent correctly. Then I'd make him do it again by himself so he could feel proud. I could just picture that once he was finished. A smile shining so bright that it could blind all of the stars.

I remember him telling me how his favorite color was blue and how his favorite movie was, surprise, Superman. I told him I'd never watched it and he was never more surprised in his entire life. I also felt giddy like a schoolgirl when he told me he'd have to show me it sometime because that resulted in me picturing watching a movie with him. I want to cuddle with him and rest my head on his chest just to see what that would feel like. Just for one night.

As I finish my drawer count, I stare down at my hands that are putting back the change, feeling the worst tug in my heart because it is now that I'm realizing my heart has won. You can't help who you get feelings for, and dammit Patrick Connelly I think it's you.

A/N:

I love this story SOOO much. I hope you guys do too! 

Please comment/vote if you enjoyed this chapter :)

Thank you guys for reading!!!

Love you all

twitter: believeeexoxo

Instagram: deannafaison_