(WARNING: SPOILERS FOR ZEN'S ROUTE/AFTER END AHEAD)

I had almost forgotten how her voice sounded when I found myself in my bed that night, staring unbelievingly at my phone's date and time.

The time had been...turned back. It had happened all of a sudden, I had been concentrating on my work and all of a sudden I was lying in my bed staring at my phone. I was looking at the exact same chats that I already knew from two years before. More specific, the day she'd joined RFA.

What was the meaning of this? Wasn't she happy with Yoosung? Why would she reset now? But even though it was probably the most selfish thought I ever had, I was kind of happy that she'd returned. If Yoosung wasn't the right guy for her after all, who was it then? Whom would she choose this time?

I tried to tell myself that it couldn't possibly be me. She didn't reset because of me. She resetted because...well, I didn't know why but it was definitely not because of me.

After all, she was playing Casual Mode again.

I didn't even realize how much I had missed the late night chats with her and how I was able to call her without any reason. She would laugh for me in that absolutely adorable way and we would talk about nonsense for half an hour or more.

Again, I could pretend that she actually liked me for four whole days. Four days that seemed like paradise compared to what I'd been going through the last years.

I even started eating properly and sleeping a little more than three or two hours a day for her. To be honest, I didn't know how I possibly could have endured the time without her. I needed her, just like oxygen, Honey Buddha Chips and PhD Pepper. No, I needed her even more than all those things.

I didn't dare to check whom she aimed to get. I wanted to remain believing it was me as long as possible before I got my heart broken again. It was kind of stupid but I couldn't help myself. It was just the way I felt.

Well, the dream of her liking me ended abruptly at midnight on day 5. I was staring at her progress bar and felt my heart finally breaking...again.

She chose Zen.

And the hell I had escaped for four days started all over again. It was even worse at some point since Zen didn't hesitate to declare his love and claim her as his like Yoosung did. Zen went straight forward and wasn't really secretive about his feelings. She seemed to return them just as passionately since they were usually engaged in long romantic conversations if they were online together.

I pretended to be alright just like the last time. Even though I went through the same emotions as the last time. At first I refused to believe it. And then when I realized it was real I started hating Zen just like I hated Yoosung back then. Hating him for simply being in love with her and claiming her in this audacious way.

I went through all of it all over again. Attempted distraction through work, unbalanced sleep routine, nutrition through chips and canned drinks. Along with barely appearing in the chats when the two of them were around.

Zen wanted to see her in person. Yoosung didn't dare to request that but Zen went on about how he desperately wanted her to come over to his place. It was only a few days since she started his route!

I didn't want her to go. In fact, I would've done anything to prevent their meeting but I couldn't think of a plausible reason why I should be against it that's why I had to pretend I supported it.

Typing those messages, congratulating them and supporting the visit, no one could imagine how much that hurt. I was hoping until the end that Jumin or anyone else would be against it, but my hopes were crushed when she eventually left the apartment to see Zen.

I watched her through CCTV, her radiant figure, her shining eyes and her beautiful face and I once again realized how much I longed for her. But Zen would have her now, I guessed. Because, no one could actually believe she only went there to talk like she said.

I was waiting desperately for her to come back. Every minute she wasn't in the apartment felt like an hour and I couldn't focus on work either. It was such a shame that all the data about the hacker had been erased from my computers or else tracking him would be child's play.

She did return safely eventually. And even though both her and Zen claimed that nothing had happened I didn't really believe them. I mean, what man that actually loved her would be able to control himself in front of her beautiful figure?

I considered whether to tell everyone about the bomb in Rika's apartment. Would it be relevant in Zen's route?

The thought that Zen was, like Yoosung, just a route for her comforted me a little. But it didn't help much since I was just a route myself. It felt so damn real that it was hard to believe this wasn't actually real. Because to me, it certainly felt real. Way too real.

Well, after the same security system error occurred that had already bugged me on Yoosung's route I had no choice but to spill the bomb secret since it could, again, go off any moment.

Zen's reaction didn't surprise me at first. He fiercely demanded for me to reveal the apartment's address so that he could play prince charming and go save her.

I refused. Yes, it was stupid and I should have told him but I still desperately clanged to the fact that I was the only one who knew where she was. I wouldn't be able to endure another one saving her. I wanted to go and do it myself so badly that it almost hurt but firstly, she wanted Zen to come and secondly, I couldn't leave my computer, I couldn't stop watching her through CCTV or else that Unknown-guy would definitely come and kidnap her.

Still, I refused to reveal the address. I just couldn't tell him. I was physically unable to. My heart wouldn't be able to bear it. Of course, the official excuse I came up with was, that I needed V's permission to reveal the location. That was actually the truth but I couldn't care less about whether V would be angry with me or not right now.

But sooner or later Zen had enough. He came over, what actually surprised me since I didn't know he would go that far just to get the address. But he went even further.

It didn't really hurt when he screamed at me, eventually slapped me in the face so that I fell to the floor. He continued screaming, holding on to my shirt and shaking me until my glasses almost fell off. He hit me again. Harder this time. That's what finally got me to wake up.

How could I have ever been so damn selfish?

I eventually told him the address and Zen left immediately to save her. I tried to watch the scene through CCTV but my vision went blurry because of the tears that were streaming down my face now. I only saw that he managed to get her out of there before that white-haired-intruder.

What the heck was I thinking? Did I really just risk her safety because of my personal arrogance? Because I had been presumptuous enough to think I had the right to keep the address to myself just because of my ego?

I was in fact just a worthless, selfish piece of trash that had and would never deserve or get any love or compassion. I had completely failed on protecting her this time. And I couldn't describe how ashamed I felt after realizing what I'd done.

I didn't show up in the chat anymore. I had to almost force myself to go to the party as well. I didn't deserve to be there, not after what I'd done. But I did go.

Well, I didn't actually go as a guest but as a helper of Zen. That's why I didn't even bother to change into my party suit. He just needed technical support for his speech and I had in fact a lot to make up to him that's why I couldn't let him down again. I didn't greet or see anyone at the party besides Zen either who didn't treat me very friendly, what I couldn't blame him for. I only blamed myself.

I blamed myself even more after listening to Zen's sincere and heart filled speech in which he declared his love to her in front of everyone, even the reporters who were there because of the scandal. So he was basically risking his career just to tell everyone how much he loved her.

I left the party soon after that because I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I just hoped she would reset again. Jut reset again and kick me into that four days of delusional happiness because I needed it right now. Even though I didn't deserve it...

But just like the last time, she took her time with resetting. It was two years again. Her and Zen got married and she accompanied him everywhere, supporting and cheering for his career. I handled it the same way as before. Just burying myself in work and unhealthy food in order to forget the cruel reality. Even though I knew my work and my progress would eventually be deleted again as soon as she pressed the reset button. Working turned into something that was about distraction anyways.

But after all, Zen too, was just a route. And she was still the player. The player who would eventually    r  e  s  e  t    again.