Here's the next chapter, again made by ECHO-173.

It was late in the afternoon of Franklin Avenue, a child was in their home except for the Louds as they bid you-- "Wait a minute is that attempting to rhyme I hear?"... No, it wasn't Lincoln. "Wait is this a Christmas episode?" Lincoln asked... It's Christmas-themed. "Oh please don't try to rhyme."... Okay.

The Louds were already to start watching another episode, some were excited as the show had got them interested in what would happen next while the rest were just happy to watch something interesting. Happy Lincoln! Lincoln nodded at the narrator before spilling a little bit of his drink on his shirt. "So, just a recap, they beat the first floor," Lisa said as she remembered the events of their last viewing.

"Diable is dead, Kirito is still an asshole, and people are still dropping dead left and right," Lynn added.

"Yeah, and Lori started swearing!" Luan said with cheer and Lori looked at her with annoyance.

"I won't be swearing all the time, I just don't think we should be doing it all the time either even if Mom and Dad are away and leaving us responsible for the house." Said Lori.

"Oh c'mon Lori, you liked it, and since Lily doesn't understand we can do it as much as we want. We've all said it and even more." Said Lynn.

"Look, I just don't agree that swearing is a good way to let frustration and--"

"Just say fuck." Lynn said almost like an order.

"What?!" Lori said surprised.

"Fuck, just say it, let it out."

"Um... fine... Fuck. There happy? Hmm, fuck... see I can say it, I just have some control." Said Lori.

"Yeah, feel nice doesn't it?"

"Yeah... Haha, fuck." Lori said with some of her siblings holding in their laughter. "Haha! Fuck, there said it again, it feels so free to, like I just want to say it, especially to that one lady who stole my spot in line where I get my makeup. Haha, fuck that lady... fuck her, she was a total bitch too, like FUCK HER! SHE WAS A FUCKING BITCH WHO STOLE MY SPOT! I WAITED TWO-FUCKING-HOURS BITCH THAT FUCKING LAZY ASS WHORE CUT ME IN LINE WHAT A BITCH!!" Lori said surprising her sibling with her outburst. "OH, sorry guys I don't know what came over me."

"Whoa, jump straight into the deep end," Lynn said surprised. "You okay?"

"Yeah... yeah, let's just watch this episode already."

"I think Lori had Bitch-be-crazy symptoms?" Lisa whispered to Lincoln.

Sir Jack Dapper: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Sword Art Online is owned by A-1 Pictures, Aniplex USA and Reki Kawahara. Please support the official release.

"Who the fuck was that?" Lynn said confused.

"New character?" Lincoln thought.

"That would be Sir Jack Dapper, a narrator for this episode," Todd explained.

"Badass name." Said Luan.

"Will we see more of him in the future?" Lana asked.

"No." Todd replied

The episode properly opens with a musical rendition of Jingle Bells, with the word "A Sword Art Online Christmas" appearing on screen. The scene then transitions to Sir Jack Dapper sitting by the fireplace, playing a DS.

Sir Jack Dapper: I said "Jump" you delightful Italian stereotype.

"Is he playing Mario? Sweet!" Said Lynn.

"Sonic is better if you ask me." Said Luan. Lynn slowly turned her head to the comedian with an almost serious death glare. "What? I am right aren't I?" Luan said before Lynn got up behind her and placed her in a headlock.

"Say Mario is number 1! Say it! SAY IT!" Lynn said with no mercy in her voice.

Jack gets a game over. He then notices the audience.

Sir Jack Dapper: Oh, hello. Didn't see you come in. I am Sir Jack Dapper. But, of course, you already knew that.

"No one knew you until now... Lynn let go of Luan." Lincoln said with Lynn letting go of Luan.

Sir Jack Dapper: It is my great honor today to introduce you to the Sword Art Online Christmas Extravaganza. A touching tale of whimsy, adventure and the true meaning of friendship. So, I have my book, I have my bourbon. Gather round children, let's make some Christmas. This is the story of... "The Red-Nosed Reindeer".

"Wait, I thought this was called "Sword Art Online: Abridged?" Leni said confused.

"Maybe it is a joke opening?" Luan explained to her sister.

"Oh, it is a Christmas episode," Lincoln said as he expected it.

"Yeah! Merry Christmas!" Said Leni.

"Leni, it isn't Christmas," Lori said disappointing Leni.

Jack opens the book and puts on his glasses. He then clears his throat to read.

Cut to Opening.

"The only difference is that the characters are wearing Christmas hats and snow added in front of the frames." Said Lisa.

"Still a better Christmas special opening that most, at least put in the effort," Lincoln replied.

Fades up on the page of the book, with a picture of a tavern.

Sir Jack Dapper: "Our magical journey began in... April..." apparently. That's a bit odd. Guess we're going for a slow burn on this one.

"Yeah, that does seem rather slow for a story about Christmas." Said Lori.

Sir Jack Dapper: Oh well, I can dig it, as the kids would say. "Our story began at the local governing hole, where our hero, Kirito, had just made some new friends.", or "homies", if you will. I'll stop now...

The Louds all cringed at Sir Jack Dapper's comments. "Welp, that was terrible."

"Yes, can he shut up-- Wait Kirito has friends?" Luan said in shock.

"Holy shit, it's a Christmas miracle!" Said Lincoln.

"Calling it now they aren't really his friends." Said Lynn.

The picture in the book transitions to when it was taken, April 8, 2023, Floor 11, Taft. Inside the tavern, a Guild of five people called the Moonlit Black Cats, are at Kirito's table. They clink their cups together in a toast.

Moonlit Black Cats: To Kirito!

"HOLY SHIT! He has friends?!" Lynn said in utter surprise.

Kirito: Who are you people and why are you at my table?

"Or not." Said Lincoln.

"Called it." Said Lynn. "Man, it feels weird being right."

The leader, Keita, turns to Kirito.

Keita: Ah, Kirito. Can I call ya Kirito?

Kirito: No.

"You heard the man, fuck off." Said Lynn.

"No means no, everyone knows that... well sometimes you girls don't understand what that means at times. You know, like every time I say no!" Said Lincoln.

"You've never said no to us," Lola said with Lisa calling her bluff.

"Actually he does, we just ignore him saying it so we can just do our own thing." Said Lisa.

Keita: Here's the thing, Kirito. I couldn't help but noticing while I was rifling through your character page-

Kirito: I thought I had that set to private...

"That is not a good sign, this guy is not good. Red flag." Said Lincoln.

"How red?" Lana asked.

"Very."

Keita: ...that YOU... are not associated with any Guilds! So, the crew and I, I call them the crew by the way, were thinking that you... should join our Guild.

Kirito: Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

Keita: Now, I know what you're thinking. "Am I really worthy to join these awesome dudes?"

"No one has said that or ever will." Said Lori.

Kirito: I've literally never thought that about anyone.

"Especially to these guys," said Lynn.

Keita: But let me assure you. We could certainly use someone with your... assets.

Keita looks at Kirito's level, which is at Level 40, and moans with delight. The only girl in the Guild, Sachi, looks annoyed by this.

"Whoa, he is higher level now. What is everyone else's level?" Lynn asked.

"Around in the 20s or low 30s, Kirito is one of the highest-level players in the game," Todd explained.

"That is some Mary Sue bullshit right there," Lincoln said, not even surprised. "Then again, I've over-grinded in RPGs myself."

Kirito: Hey! Hey! My eyes are down here!

Keita: *Laughing* Right, right. So, whaddya say, Ki? Can I call ya "Ki"?

Kirito/Louds: God no!

"Only we can use Ki..." Leni said before processing what she just said.

Keita: Mmm hmm, I see. And what if I put on this hat?

Keita puts on a hat, a message pops up saying "+50 CHR".

"That's not how it works, stat boosting items in charisma only work on NPCs... also what the hell, how does that hat give so much charisma?" Lincoln said in confusion about the hat.

"Wait, that's what that means?" Lori said as she doesn't understand most gaming terms.

"Yeah, it's for talking to NPCs," Lincoln said with some of his sisters confused about the term. "Non-playable characters," Lincoln said with his sisters understanding him.

"Does having a high amount help you play?" Leni asked.

"Yeah, I even seen people think charisma was pointless until it would help make the game easier, I even saw a video with a guy who made a character with high damage dealing but very low charisma and intelligence that their character had to be so awkward and terrifying to talk to them that a basic conversation must feel like a hostage negotiation."

Kirito: Oh, don't be ridiculous- What the hell am I signing?

"Oh God, it worked?" Lincoln said surprised.

Kirito, under the influence of Keita's Charisma Hat, signs a Guild charter, which makes him a member of the Guild.

Keita: To the newest member of the Moonlit Black Cats! To Kirito!

Kirito: DAMMIT!

"Oh God, it worked!" Lincoln said in shock.

Keita: So, let me introduce you to the crew. I call them the crew, by the way.

Kirito/Louds: So I've/We've heard!

Keita: This here is Sachi... and, uh, the rest are NPCs.

Kirito/Louds: Wait, what?!

Keita: Yeah, they're all companions from different quests! They help ya fight, and as long as you never finish, they stay with you!

"That sounds dumb, doesn't that mean they can just have an army of NPCs?" Lori asked.

"I feel like they would even help them fight bosses too." Said Lisa.

"I doubt it, most NPCs don't help you fight in some areas," Lincoln explained.

NPC 1: We must save my family!

NPC 2: The bandits are coming!

Kirito: Um, is that important?

"So what, this game lets you kidnap NPCs? Who the hell thought that this was a good idea?" Lola said frustrated.

"Let's not forget that the Jackass who made this also lets the players feel pain," said Lana.

"Fair point."

Keita: Nah, it's part of the quest. They say that, like, every four seconds.

NPC 3: Always remember. To jump: Jump!

Keita: And, uh, he's from the tutorial. It's not a good tutorial.

"According to my data, that is the only tutorial NPC in the whole game," Todd explained to the Louds' shock and a little horror.

"Wait, ONLY tutorial NPC in the whole game?" Lincoln was surprised. "No wonder 2,000 people died in the first month alone, they didn't learn how to play this literal Goddamn death game!"

NPC 3: Winners don't use drugs! Except steroids! In which case, use lots of drugs!

"Yeah, this is not a good tutorial." Said Lynn.

Kirito: Wait, so, you never finished the tutorial?

Keita: Hey, just because I can't play the game, doesn't mean I can't... "play the game". Wink. (doesn't actually wink)

Most of the Louds were just plain dumbfounded at this point and it hasn't even been the first three minutes yet. "How has this guy not died yet?" Lynn asked.

"Stupid dumb luck," Lincoln answered.

Kirito: I feel like you don't know how winking works.

"Jackass didn't even try to wink."

"Hey, with any luck Kirito will snap and kill him," Luan said with hope in her voice.

"We can only have hope" Said Lynn.

Sachi, a young girl with black hair and blue eyes wearing all-blue clothing and a chestplate, walked up to Kitiro to greet him.

"Aww, she looks cute, is she a love interest or something? Since this is one of those anime that means there might be romance." Said Lana.

"Probably, most animes tend to give the main character a harem to make it more interesting when most people call it unrealistic, some people even say. "No way one guy can get all the bitches to himself" their words," Lincoln said giving his own thoughts on the matter.

Sachi: Th- Thank you for joining our Guild, Mr. Ki-Ki-Ki-Ki-Kirito. (starts glitching out)

"What the fuck?! Lynn said surprised.

"Jesus! What the Hell is happening to her?!" Lori said surprised as all hell.

"Is she... dying?" Lana asked.

"Oh, I think that's lag, probably low internet," Lincoln explained.

Kirito: Sweet merciful Buddha, what the fuck?!

"My thoughts exactly!" said Lynn.

Keita: Now, now. Don't panic. Sachi just lives out in the boonies, so her internet connection is kinda shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi... (both start to lag)

"Oh, well shit. Guess her lag can spread, how the whole server hasn't crashed yet is beyond me." Said Lincoln.

Bar Patron 1: OH GOD, IT'S SPREADING!!!

Bar Patron 2: GRAB THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!

Bar Patron 3: YEAH, WE'LL USE THEM AS SHIELDS!

"What an asshole! Save them!" Lori yelled in frustration.

"No, use them as shields, you'll survive faster!" Lynn said as a joke.

We hear people panicking, and the tavern catches fire.

"RIOT!" Lynn cheered as she lifted up Lincoln and threw him like a football.

"LYNN YOU'RE CRAZY!" Lincoln screamed before landing face-first into a wall.

Sir Jack Dapper: Ha ha! What shenanigans. Four people died in that fire...

"Rest in peace random people," Lana said as she took off her hat to pay respect.

"Do you guys think they were pushed into the fire or some of them thought they could outrun the fire by charging into it? Like they thought they could get through the flames before getting burned to get to a different exit." Lynn questioned.

"I wouldn't blame you for thinking like that considering how many did in the last episode," Lisa answered.

Jack turns the pages as his narration continues, showing a montage of Kirito's time with the Moonlit Black Cats, including the time they killed a Killer Mantis together.

"Whoa, seeing this virtual world is so surreal and beautiful, if you take out the deadly killer monsters. Will we see more of this world?" Lola asked Todd.

"According to me data... No, we only see locations often."

Sir Jack Dapper: But from the ashes sprouted a powerful friendship. And in time, Kirito found that he could almost tolerate them, much like a fat man tolerates the tapeworms in his intestines. And like those tapeworms, that Guild burrowed deep into his innards and gorged themselves on his leftovers until they began causing abdominal pain and diarrhea.

Most of the Louds didn't know how to respond to that, they found it disturbing, even the Tomboyish Lana didn't have anything to say.

Sir Jack Dapper: I realize the metaphor is breaking down a bit here, but Granny Dapper didn't raise no quitters.

"You asked me? She should have." Said Lori, getting really sick and tired of this guy.

Sir Jack Dapper: In any case, things were about to change for young Kirito, as he learned one fateful night...

Fade into May 16, 2023. Kirito steps out of a Teleport Gate and a message from Keita appears. Kirito plays it.

"Whoa, he's been with them for about a month and hasn't killed them yet... is that a good sign or...?" Lynn asked with her siblings giving off some mixed signals and reactions as they didn't know either.

Keita: Hey, Kirito, buddy. Sachi kinda ran off and we don't know where she went. Could you be a pal and track her down? I'd look for her myself, but the NPCs are sorta blocking the door and I can't get out.

NPC 1: We must save my family!

"Oh God! It is every player's worst nightmare. NPC can tend to block off exits and entrances making it hard to enter or leave a location. It sucks like a lot." Lincoln explained.

Keita: MOVE!!! *Groans* Listen buddy, I'm gonna need your help sooner rather than later. I'm starting to think this is a two-man job.

NPC 3: You've been playing for *Robotic voice* 4608 *Normal voice* hours. Maybe you should take a break.

"If only he could, I wouldn't play this damn game again after I broke free from it," Lori said with her siblings agreeing to her statement.

Keita: I would if I could, Mom! But that's not really an option now, is it?! *Sighs* Now he's clipping through the wall.

"That is horrifying and yet funny," Lincoln said with most of the siblings confused. "They are in the walls and are stuck."

Keita: This is just perfect. *Groans* So, yeah, if you could just take care of that for me, that'd be great.

Kirito: Yeah, good luck with that, Keita. It's my day off.

"You heard him, let him take his day off you piece of crap." Said Lynn.

"Yeah, everyone deserves a day off where he doesn't get annoyed by people who constantly think he doesn't have anything better to do," Lincoln said as he turned his gaze to his sisters. Lynn was the one who was confused.

"What?" Lynn asked getting the silent treatment from him. "What?!"

Keita: And because I know it's your day off, I went ahead and included a little motivation.

Kirito: Riiight. Keita when have you ever had anything I-

A picture of the Charisma Hat appears. Kirito activates Searching and runs off.

"Oh god, not the hat," Lincoln said as he was disappointed at the fact that Kirito was fooled before.

"They need to burn that damn thing," Luna said with venom at how messed up the power of that hat is.

Kirito: I HATE THAT GODDAMN HAT!

"Same, it is like totes ugly!" Leni said in disgust at the hat.

Cuts to Sachi under a bridge.

"That was fast, almost like lazy writing or quick pace due to a limited run time." Lincoln explained with his sisters looking confused at him. "What? Sorry for being a critic."

Kirito: Yo, Sachi. Keita said you ran off or-

Kirito appears with his eyes glowing.

Sachi/Louds: Jesus Christ! What's wrong with your eyes?!

Kirito: What?! Oh right, Detective Mode. One sec.

Kirito turns it off. His eyes start sizzling and he groans in pain.

"That was horrifying," said Lincoln.

"And judging from that sizzling sound, painful too," Lisa exclaimed.

Kirito: Oh, that's brisk...!

Sachi: Is it supposed to hurt like that?

Kirito: I don't think so. Unless the game was developed by a sadist!

Awkward pause.

Sachi/Lisa, Lincoln, and Lori: Well...

Kirito: Yeah, I heard it! So anyway, I figure I got about... oh, five minutes before I black out from the pain.

"Is it messed up that I want to laugh at him when he is in pain?" Lynn asked.

"I would say yes, red flags all around you, but it is Kirito," Lisa answered.

Kirito: So, Princess. Why'd you run off?

Sachi: Because... I'm terrified my lag is going to get me and everyone I love killed.

Long pause.

"Well that got dark... is she okay?" Luna asked.

"Makes you wonder why she isn't put in a hospital with better WiFi," Lisa asked.

"According to my data, in the original series, she was worried her skill issues would get her friends killed but here it is due to the lag." Todd explained.

Kirito: Well shit, I don't know how to mock that... Oh god! That's never happened before!

"Take that as a sign you don't have to do it all the time you asshole!" Luan said in anger at Kirito, his lack of empathy pisses her off the most.

Sachi: Well, maybe this is something you don't need to mock.

Kirito: Uh, *Coughs/laughs* okay. But then what's the point of other people if not to mock them?

Sachi: You know, I'm starting to see why people think you're an asshole.

Kirito: People think I'm an asshole?!

"YOU JUST REALIZED THIS NOW?! YOU ASSHOLE!" The Louds said in perfect union at Kirito's sudden realization of the fact that he learned that people think he is indeed an asshole.

Sir Jack Dapper: And so they talked all through the night, and slowly, Kirito began to see the error of his ways. If that seems like a cop-out to you, congratulations! You get a cookie...

"...Better be chocolate chip," Lori said in disbelief.

The scene transitions to the daytime.

"Whoa, they talked for a long ass time." Luan said in supprise.

Kirito: Wow, Sachi. You've really opened my eyes! I've been such a jerk! Well, no more. You're looking at a whole new Kirito. From now on, I'm gonna be nicer, and show people the compassion they deserve!

"Whoa, he is making progress, guess he needed someone to talk to." Lincoln said in amazement at Kirito's sudden change.

Sachi: So, can we talk about my problems now?

Kirito: Ugh, no one cares.

"Nevermind, he is still an asshole, at least not as much... Hopefully."

Sachi: *Disappointed* Oh... Hey, I thought you said you were gonna black out from the pain.

Kirito: Oh yeah. *Sniff* Guess I'm just a lot tougher than I thou-

Kirito's eyes start sizzling as he screams in pain.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" The Louds all laughed at Kirito's pain.

Cut to June 21, 2023, with the Guild at the inn.

Keita: Hey crew, I know you guys have been working really hard, and I've got some good news!

"Oh, that's good!" Leni said in joy.

"Wait for it." Said Lisa.

Kirito: And...?

Keita: A-And some bad news.

"Oh, that's bad!" Said Leni.

Keita: The good news is, we're in debt to the Mob!

"THAT'S BAD NEWS!" Lisa screamed in frustration at Keita's misunderstanding of the difference between good and bad news.

Keita: No, wait, that's the bad news. Also, there's no good news.

"Then just said you have just Bad news next time you idiot!" Said Lynn.

Sachi/Lola: There's a Mob in this game?!

"According to my data, a group of players formed a mob-like guild to control the crime of other players, led by a Don who we'll see later." Todd explained.

Keita: Uhhhhh, yeah, I may have promised some... let's say "unsavory" individuals that I could duplicate their rare item, and, well, it turns out that got patched.

"Goddamnit, of corse this guy would try to do that... good thing they could just give back the item," Lincoln said with his arms crossed.

Kirito: So, then why don't you just give back their item?

Keita: *Laughing awkwardly* Yeah, well, here's the thing.

"Oh no he didn't..." Said Lincoln.

Keita: I kinda sold it, and now...

"He fuckin' did," Lincoln said in disappointment.

NPC 2: The bandits are coming!

Keita: Precisely! But the Don says all will be forgiven if we replace the item.

Kirito/Leni and Lincoln: Well, okay. That doesn't sound too-

Keita: Here's the thing.

Kirito/Lincoln: There it is.

Keita: It only drops on the 27th Floor.

"Is that the highest floor they've reached so far?" Lori asked.

"According to my data, yes. It has monsters just under Kirito's current level."

Sachi: Is that a problem?

Keita: Well, uh, let me put it this way: Take the most horrific, awful thing you can think of... and multiply it by cancer.

The Guild and Louds leans back in shock.

"That is bad..." Leni said in horror.

Keita: But you'll do fine! You've got Kirito! And he's practically carrying this crew!

Kirito/Lynn: "Practically"?!

Sachi: Kirito!

Kirito: I'm sorry.

"Welp, at least he is trying." Said Lincoln.

Keita: So, on that note, what do you guys think?

Kirito: Well, no offense. But that is the most-

Kirito stops himself when he realizes Sachi is glaring at him.

Kirito: *Faking a smile* ...probably fine idea I've ever heard!

"Whoa, he is really trying his best," Lola said before a thought occurred. "Wait, why don't they just send Kirito alone if they're worried, they know he is super high-level."

"According to my data, in the original series, the guild went to the dungeon for prizes and money, not for a rare item."

Keita: That's a weird way to phrase that.

Kirito: Don't push me on this.

Keita: Alright! So, we got a game plan!

Sachi: W-Wait, you didn't say what you're doing in all this.

"Oh yeah, what are you doing during all this?" Leni questioned.

Keita: Well, the thing about that is...

Hard cut to June 22, 2023. Keita is on a Teleport Gate in the town square with the hat on his head.

Keita: Later!

Keita teleports away.

Kirito/Lincoln: We/They really need to take that hat away from him.

Cut to June 22, 2023, Floor 27: Dungeon. The Guild is searching for the item.

Kirito: God, we've been looking for hours. Where is this stupid thing supposed to drop, anyway?

Sachi: Uh, Kirito? Did Keita even tell us which item we're looking for?

"Wait, he did tell them right?" Lori questioned.

Pause of realization.

Kirito/Lori: Son of a-

NPC 1: We must save my family!

NPC 1 opens a secret door, revealing a small chest in a large room.

"Oh, lucky them, they found treasure!" Lola said in excitement.

"That is a trap," Lincoln said, not even surprised.

"What makes you say that?" Lana asked.

"In the middle of a big empty room with nothing else." Lincoln to his sisters who see his point. "Good thing they're aren't dumb."

Kirito: *Sarcastically* Oh wow. A single chest in an empty room. Yeah, this looks legit. Come on, guys. Even we're not dumb enough to fall for this...

NPC 1 opens the chest.

"Oh shit, they're on Auto-loot aren't they?" Lincoln questions.

Kirito: Sachi? You set them to auto-loot, didn't you?

Sachi: Yeah. I thought it would save time.

"Son of a-" said Lincoln.

Alarms blare, the lights turn red and the door closes behind them.

Kirito: *Sarcastically* Oh yeah. We're sprinting to our deaths at RECORD SPEED!

Sachi: Well, it might not be a trap. Maybe we just won a prize or something.

"Yeah, prizes!" Leni said in excitement.

Game Announcer: Deploying Slaughternauts and Murder-Golems.

Slaughternauts and Murder-Golems spawn in the room.

"... Can they get different prizes?"

Kirito: *Sarcastically* Oh wow! Slaughternauts AND Murder-Golems?! It must be my BIRTHDAY!!!

Sachi: I thought you were gonna be nicer.

Kirito: BABY STEPS!!!

"At least he tried up to this far." Said Lincoln.

"Yeah, I thought he would have cracked back at the inn, I know I would." Said Lisa.

Sachi: It's okay! We'll just grab one of the Teleport Crystals from Gary!

Kirito starts attacking the monsters.

Kirito/Louds: WHO THE FUCK IS GARY?!

NPC 1: We must save my family!

NPC 1 holds up a Teleport Crystal and teleports out.

"I think that was Gary?" Said Leni.

"That motherfucker ditched them!" Said Lynn.

Sachi: That was Gary.

Kirito/Lynn: OF COURSE IT WAS!!!

Sachi: No, no, no, it's fine! Charlie's got a bunch of health potions!

Kirito: Which one's Charlie?!

NPC 3 dies.

"Take your bets, was that Charlie?" Lincoln said to his sisters.

Kirito: Never mind! I got it!

Sachi: Well, we still-

NPC 2 dies.

"Welp, they're dead." Said Lisa.

Kirito: OH GOD, STOP! Look, we're just gonna have to fight our way out!

"Good thing it was only the NPCs who didn't make it. They weren't people." Lisa said as Todd slowly turned his head at her, his face was stuck the way it was but on the inside, he felt pain.

Sachi: Okay. I'm scared, but I trust you-ou-ou-ou-ou-

"She's... she lagging," Lori said in horror.

"Oh my God, no... NOT HER!" Lincoln said in shock.

"She'll be alright, right?" Luna pleaded.

A Golem hits Sachi in the back as she is lagging, fatally wounding her.

"TIS BUT A SCRATCH!" Lynn said as she looked at Todd who shook his head. "NO!"

Kirito/Louds: SACHI! NO!!!

Sachi: Kirito... This isn't... your fault- your fault- your fault- your fault- your fault- YOOOOUUUUR FAAAAUUUULT.

Sachi's lag causes her to glitch out, in a horrifyingly scarring manner, and she dies.

The Louds all watched in horror, shocked, and painful looks on their faces.

"Well, that will haunt him forever." Said Lincoln.

"That was dark, why didn't they all escape?!" Lana questioned.

"According to my data, in the original series, the room wouldn't let them teleport and they were all killed except for Kirito," Todd explained.

Sir Jack Dapper: Well... that was grim. But, as with all things, there is always a silver lining. For you see, Kirito still had one friend left with whom he could share his grief.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he kills him--" Lori said before it cuts to the next scene.

Jack turns the page to a scene of Keita killing himself.

Kirito: KEITA!!!

Sir Jack Dapper: GYAH!!!

"WHOA!" Said the other Louds in pure shock.

"He-- he jumped?! Damn, he took it hard!" Said Lynn.

"That was dark..." Lincoln said in horror.

"Geez, Lori, were you gonna say--" Lola asked before Lori spoke.

"Kills him! I was going to say kills him, as in Kirito killing Keita, I wasn't going to say-- Never mind! Oh my God! That was dark."

Jack makes frantic panicked noises, as he skips over a bunch of dramatic scenes until he reaches December 24, 2023, the Christmas part of the story.

Sir Jack Dapper: Christmas! Yay, Christmas! *Awkward giggle* No one kills themselves on Christmas!

"Actually, according to some studies say that depression hits worse during the holiday season. That's why the suicide rates are so high." Lisa said as a counterpoint to Jack Dapper. The other Louds were silent.

"Jesus Lisa, you know how to kill the mood," said Lincoln. The Louds were then silent as the mood was dead.

"Y-yeah, Christmas..." Leni said with a rather low tone and uncheery expression.

Jack makes an uncomfortable laugh.

Sir Jack Dapper: Christ, I need more bourbon...

"Can we--" Lynn said before getting a stink eye from Lynn. "I'll be quiet."

Kirito is seen in the Lost Forest looking for something, as we hear the memory of an info broker.

"Where's Kirito going?" Leni asked.

"Maybe to fight a boss or something?" Lincoln questions himself.

Info Broker: *Cockney accent* They say that Santa Claus will appear beneath a certain fir tree tonight, and grant whoever finds him an item that will give anyone a merry Christmas. Now that'll be 200 gol- Oi! Oi, where you going! Get back here!

"Good tip everyone, when giving information, ask to be paid upfront," Lisa said to the others who agreed.

"Aren't they on a Japanese server? Why do they have a cockney accent?" Lynn questions.

"It's a dub Lynn, just accept it." Lincoln answered.

BallsDeep69 and his Guild appear.

"A Wild BallsDeep69 has appeared!" Luna said with Lincoln giving her a high-five as he understood the reference.

Kirito: Balls?

Entire Guild: My name is Klein!

Kirito/Lincoln: That was... unsettling. What the hell was that?

BallsDeep69: *Sighs* I correct people so often, they think it's how I say hello.

"Oh God, that is horrible," Lynn said as she held in her laughter.

"You see this is why you avoid giving yourself dumbass usernames in MMOs," Lincoln said with a sly smile as he knows the perfect names to use on any game.

"You'd think they'd let him change his name in-game or hide his username." Said Luan.

Kirito: Well, that's unfortunate.

BallsDeep69: Yeah, no kidding. So, what are you doing out here?

Kirito: Eh, I've been having this weird pain in my chest. I was hoping this rare item might be able to fix it.

"Wait, what does he mean by that?" Leni asked confused.

"Yeah, what pain? Is he having heart problems?" Lynn also asked.

"Wait a minute..." Lori said with a sinking suspicion in her mind. "Don't tell me--"

BallsDeep69: Well, that's strange. What do you think caused it?

Kirito: Well, I suppose it started right after I watched my entire Guild get slaughtered. But, I mean, I didn't take any damage, so that can't be it...

BallsDeep69 and the Louds art shocked by the stupidity of Kirito's statement.

BallsDeep69/Louds: Oh my god!

"This unsympathetic little shit!"

"How does he not know what's wrong with him!"

"Kirito, you dumbass!"

Suddenly, the Mob teleports in.

Mobster: Kirito. As the sole survivor of the Midnight Black Cats, the debt naturally falls to you. The Don sends his regards.

"Oh shit, right we forgot about the mob... how did we forget about them this quickly they were literally brought up like three minutes ago!" Lincoln questions himself.

"I mean we did see Sachi die and traumatize us..." Lola said before starting to cry a little. "Why do all the good characters die so early in this show?"

BallsDeep69: Well, as many question as this raises, I'm gonna keep this brief. Kirito, you're not injured, you're sad that all your friends died.

Kirito: Wow, I never thought about it like that.

BallsDeep69/Lori: Yeah, big shock, ya friggin' sociopath.

"Seriesously, how messed up was his home life to the point that he is like this online?" Lori questions.

"You'd be surprise at the real reason why some people act like this, sometimes it is either not the home life's fault but sometimes school or work, sometimes it could be all three." Lincoln answered.

BallsDeep69: Look, I've heard rumors that item might be able to rez players. It's a long shot, but you owe it to yourself to try. Go on ahead. We'll hold them off.

"Wait, there's a way to bring back dead players? That's amazing!" Lola said excited that Sachi could return.

"Yeah! Sachi is coming back!" Lana said as the twins started to dance.

"I... wouldn't party just yet twins," Lisa said as she adjusted her glasses.

Kirito: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thank you... Klein.

"Did he just call him by his name?" Lori questions

"Holy shit, it is a Christmas miracle!" Said Luna in surprise.

Klein makes a whimper of delight. Kirito runs off.

Guild Member: Hey boss, who's Klein?

Klien: Don't ruin this for me!

"Holy shit, his name in the subtitles even changed!" Lynn said surprised.

"Wait, we have subtitles?" Leni asked.

"I guess since he was called by his name by someone else, the universe knows the tru-- he's gonna go back to being Balls at the end isn't he?" Lincoln asked.

Kirito arrives in front of the tree.

Sir Jack Dapper: And there, under that frosted fir tree, Kirito spotted the big man himself. Streaking through the snowy sky, on a sleigh full of Christmas cheer, the patron saint of prostitutes...

Sudden cut to Jack in his seat.

Sir Jack Dapper: Look it up.

Luna then looks it up. "Huh... that is weird."

Back to the story.

Sir Jack Dapper: Old Saint Nic-

Suddenly, a horrific looking Boss named Nicholas the Renegade crashes onto the ground.

Nicholas the Renegade: Naughty!

Cut back to a shocked and confused Jack.

Sir Jack Dapper/Lynn: What the fu-/fucking Hell!

Nicholas roars as Kirito runs towards him while making a battle cry. Fade to white. Fade back to an exhausted Klein and his Guild, having chased off the Mob. Kirito steps out of the portal and walks toward Klein and the Guild.

"OH BOO! We wanted to see the fight!" Lynn shouted in frustration.

Klein: Kirito, how'd it go? Did you win?

Kirito looks emotionally drained.

Kirito: Does this look like the face of victory to you?

"Wait... did he not get the item?" Lori questioned.

"He did get the item... it wasn't what he was looking for." Todd explained.

Klein: You didn't get it?

Kirito: Oh, I got it.

Kirito throws Klein the item. He opens it and a hat appears on his head. The same hat Keita used.

"Oh God, no, not the damn hat!" Lincoln said in frustration.

"According to my data, the original series does have an item to bring back dead players but there is only a 10 second window to do so... It was never used once." Todd explained.

"Son of a BITCH!" Lynn shouts.

Kirito: It's a hat. It's a god... damn... hat.

Klein: Well, what do you wanna do with it?

Kirito: Wear it. Poop in it.

"Burn it!" Said Lincoln, Lori, and Leni in perfect union.

Kirito: I really don't care anymore. But, I do suppose I should thank you. You made me realize that by being nice and letting people in... they'll just die. But even still, thank you for showing me that there's still a part of me that can feel like this. Because now that I know where to find it, I've killed it forever. So, thank you. Thank you for freeing me... Balls.

Kirito walks off. Balls grabs his coat to stop him.

"Oh no... he's even worse now." Lola said as her twin hugs her at the sight of Kirito's character change going back to the way he was.

Leni started to tear up as her soul felt like it was stabbed repeatadly. "B-B-But it's christmas!"

"Leni, it's not actually Christmas." Lori said to her sister who started to burst into tears.

BallsDeep69: (On the verge of tears) No. No! You were so close! You were almost a person! (Crying) YOU WERE SO CLOSE!!!

BallsDeep69 breaks down crying.

Sir Jack Dapper: And so they say, Kirito's heart grew three sizes that day. Then immediately shrank six, imploding into a black hole from which no love could escape. The End.

"He's like the Grinch but in reverse." Said Luan.

Fade to black.

Fade back in on Jack, completely drunk in his chair.

"Oh God, he's wasted." Said Lincoln.

Jack: Oh I'm sorry, were you expecting a happy ending?

"Yes..." Said Leni.

Jack: Well, I'm afraid the world doesn't work that way, bucko.

"Oh." Leni replied with a sad tone.

Jack: The only thing you can hope for in life is that you make enough money to fill the void left behind by the woman you love when she takes your children to some island in Tahiti with a cabana boy half her fucking age. Well, look at me now, you harlot. I'm still alone with all my money. God, I'm alone. SO alone!

Jack begins to cry but then collapses onto the floor vomiting. Gregory, his butler, pats his back.

"Jesus, this is just sad." Said Lynn.

Gregory: Merry Christmas, everyone.

Jack tries to get up but vomits again.

Jack: Oh god, it in the Persian rug.

"Gross." Said Lori.

Cut to the Outro.

Fades in on the Mob's hide out. A Mobster is talking to the Don in a dark room, the Don is obscured by the shadows.

"Oh shit, the Mob, we forgot about them again." Said Lincoln. "Should we worry about Leni by the way?"

"Don't worry, she'll forget about Sachi before the end it this episode." Lori answered.

"Who's Sachi?" Leni said in her normal and cheery tone.

"See."

Mobster: I'm sorry, Don. We finally tracked down the one known as Kirito, but... we were beaten back by the legendary warrior BallsDeep69 and his men.

"HA!" Lynn laughed.

Mobster: The boy escaped us yet again. I have no excuse. But I promise you, we will get back what was stolen. What are your orders... Don Fluffles?

The Don emerges from the shadows, revealing that he's the cat from Episode 2. Don Fluffles makes a sinister growl.

"Holy shit, the cat!" Lynn said as she started to giggle at the thought of a cat running a mob business.

"Do you think they gave Keita a yarn ball or something?" Luan said as a joke, she was then hit by a yarn ball thrown at her head by the family cat.

"Welp, time for a quick break before the episode, bathroom anyone?" Lori said with half of the siblings getting up to march to the bathroom.

That's it for this chapter. Bye!