"CAT!" I bellow. Agony rips through me and my arm starts to loosen on the tree.

Something brown dive bombs past me.

Hope bursts through my entire body as Shay disappears into the snowy landscape.

I throw my freed arm over the tree and drag myself up, my chest heaving.

I dangle over the tree while I search the snow for any sign of Shay.

What feels like hours later, she lands on the tree in front of me, no Cat in sight.

My heart stops as I pull myself into a sitting position. "She's-?"

Shay shakes her head, but I don't know what that means.

She's not okay? She's not dead?

"I caught her," Shay says, at my expression. "But she's... she's not okay, Raven."

"Take me to her," I demand.

Shay sighs and gathers me in her arms.

Her wings unfurl at her sides and she snaps them down. She catches a current that carries us up to a cave carved into the side of the cliff, ages above where Cat and I had been.

Shay has tried to make Cat comfortable. Her backpack under her head. One of the jackets she'd been wearing over her as a blanket.

But Cat still looks half-dead. Her face is still wind-shorn. Her hands are a bloody mess, wrapped in blood-soaked bandages. Her skin is tinted blue. Her lips are cracked and bloody. Her cheeks are sunk in.

I fall to my knees beside her. My trembling hands cover my mouth. "What-what can I do?" I ask, muffled.

Shay shifts from foot to foot. "Nothing."

I shake my head, a rotting feeling filling my body. It's like I'm touching that gem again. As if I'm turning into nothingness. As if I don't exist anymore, or never did in the first place. "No. I can't just let her die. I-I could take her back down the mountain myself! Or-or I'll strap her to my back and carry her up!"

Shay stares at me, as if she doesn't know me.

I guess that makes sense.

"What?" She asks. "You'll never make it anywhere in time. Even if you could... what comes after? You go down, you'll have to climb back up. You go up, you'll have to keep Cat safe from Thomas. It doesn't matter that she might be his daughter. He doesn't give a damn about her. Or you."

I wring my bandaged hands together. "Then you can take her down the mountain. I meant what I said, Shay. I won't make you take her through the portal. But I can't let her die!"

Shay's gaze shifts from me to Cat. She grips the edge of her shirt in her hands. "Raven, a human doctor can't fix her. Even without the pneumonia, she's got a blood infection from those wounds not being properly treated. She's dehydrated. She's starved. She's a lost cause."

I snap to my feet and shove Shay so hard she almost goes spilling off the side of the cliff. "Don't you dare say that!" I scream. My voice is raw and scratchy. I sound like I've been drinking whisky. I tremble from head to toe as I jab a finger in Shay's face. "She is my sister! Don't you dare say she's a lost cause. I will do whatever it takes! I am not giving up on her!"

Shay closes her eyes. "What about the rebellion?"

I wave her off, returning to Cat's side. I grab Cat's hand and pull it into my lips. "I owe them nothing, Shay."

"You owe me something!" She shouts, hitting her chest. "Do you have any idea what I've risked for you!? Because of who you are!"

"You don't know me!" I bellow.

She stares at me in silence as my chest heaves.

I release Cat's hand and stand again. I dig my fingers into my skull, but the bandages on my fingers prevent me from making myself bleed. "You have no idea who I am, Shay."

Tears well in her eyes. "You're supposed to be our savior."

I shake my head. My lips quiver. "I'm not a savior, Shay. I'm a monster. Everyone I love dies. Everything I touch dies. I am not the person you're looking for. I can kill Thomas for you. I can be that. A weapon. That is who I am. That's what she made me. But not if it means losing the people I love."

"That's not what a weapon is, Raven," she whispers.

I step towards her. "I can be your monster. I can be a machine. Point me at who you want me to kill and I'll do it. Without remorse. I can be what you want. But I need one thing. One thing to survive. It is the only thing I care about. And that is my friends."

Shay's gaze slips behind me, to Cat. "Monsters don't usually care for anyone."

I look down to my boots. They're worn and barely functional. "I can shut it off," I whisper.

"So, shut it off," she pleads.

I meet her gaze. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because that means Cat will die. I am my mother's perfect little girl. I am everything she made me. But I'm weak, Shay. I am scared of being alone. I am scared of losing anyone again." Tears roll down my cheeks. I step forward. "I will die before I lose someone I love. If I shut that off – if I let myself be what my mother wants, that means I stop loving. That means I don't care if I lose people. But it always turns back on some day." I turn back to Cat. "And then it hurts."

"What if it doesn't turn back on?" She asks. "Just for the sake of argument. What if it doesn't have to hurt?"

"Does that mean Cat lives?"

She shakes her head. "No, I mean... what if you turn it off now, and Cat dies, but you don't feel it."

"Cat dies," I muse. How could I not feel it?

I tried to fight back. I did.

When Nick... got hurt... I tried to shut it off. I fought. And again, when Ava got hurt. I tried to do what my mother would've wanted. I tried to run and save myself. I tried to be strong.

But I couldn't.

Because they make me weak.

Because under the mask I wear, that's all I am. They are all I am. They're all I have.

"I would feel it," I whisper.

"But what if you didn't!? Just listen to me! What if you couldn't feel it!? What if her death didn't impact you in anyway? Would you still care about saving her?"

"It always impacts me!" I shout. I turn on her. "You know the one death I don't regret that I caused? You know the one person I was happy to kill!? It was the man that tied my best friend up in a place she was supposed to be safe. It was the man that removed her clothes without her consent and touched her when she didn't want to be touched. I would kill him again and again and again! And I would enjoy it! But every other death... even the man that killed the love of my life. It fucking hurt, Shay! It hurt. So, you can't ask me what I would do if her death didn't impact me... because they always impact me. Even if it has nothing to do with me. I feel it. I feel every single death. And it hurts, Shay."

I close my eyes.

"But okay. Let's say it doesn't. Let's say Cat means nothing to me. Let's say I've successfully shut off every emotion that would make me care about her. Let's say she's just some girl that I don't care about. Okay? She still deserves to live."

"Even if she provides no meaning to you?" Shay asks, quietly. "Even if she's nothing?"

I open my eyes, slowly. "Nothing?" I step towards Shay and grab her hands. I squeeze. "She's not nothing. She was never nothing. She's something. She's something good."

"She's Thomas's daughter," Shay hisses. "And Emily's. Her parents are the ones leading this war."

"And my mother kidnapped dozens of children," I snap. "But you want me to be your hope. It doesn't matter who her parents are. That's not who she is. You know she loves horses? I hate the things, but she loves them. She used to be a lumberjack and a stable hand in her village. She loves pranks. And she hates carrots. And she's always picking fights with Ava because she's still a kid. That's who she is, Shay. Not Thomas. Not Emily. Not even me. But she's something wonderful. And I love her. So damn much. So, yeah, Shay. Even if she means nothing to me... I can't let her die."

Shay closes her eyes. "I'll take her. To Ebony."

I pull away and drop to my knees beside Cat. "I keep my promises, Shay. I told you I wouldn't make you do this. You've done enough for me." I pet Cat's hair from her forehead. "I'll protect her."

Shay grabs my shoulder. "I'm afraid," she says. "But so are you. If you say Cat deserves to be saved, then I believe you. I'm not used to caring about people. There's one person I care about the way you care about your friends, but I'm not allowed to care about her more than the rebellion. I'm sorry I couldn't see how much they mean to you."

I look up at her. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"You and Carter both said something like that. You're rebels first, everything else second. Why?"

She rubs the back of her neck. "Well... It's on us to save Ebony. This war needs to end, but neither kingdom will end it. It's on us."

"Why are you a rebel, Shay?

She eases down beside me and looks away. "I was born into it. They raised me when the war took my fathers. It's all I am."

I grab her hand on my shoulder and squeeze. I shake my head. "You are so much more than the rebellion, Shay. You're loud, and opinionated, and stubborn, and you're my friend."

She smiles. "I thought loud and stubborn were requirements to be your friend."

I scoff, "you're making a joke? After all this?"

She shrugs. "What can I say? I'm Jewish. We survive off turning bad situations into something ridiculous."

I allow myself a smile. A giggle bubbles out. I drop my head onto her shoulder. When the laughter fades, I take a long breath. "You don't have to do this for me," I whisper. "I want to save Cat, but I've made this call before and it may have cost me Charlie. I'm not going to lose another friend."

Shay bows her head and takes my hand. She runs her finger over my knuckles. "We're really friends?" She asks, in a small voice. "Even after what I said about Cat?"

I lick my lips and nod against her shoulder. "You've saved my friends and made me laugh. And yeah, you're loud and stubborn. I like you. You're something to me. Same as Will, and Rae, and Charlie, and Ava, and James. And Izzy, and Alex, and Nick, and Cat, and Danny."

"You have a lot of friends," she notes.

I take Cat's hand in my free one. "I didn't have a good life growing up," I whisper. "They make it better. They make it worth something." I meet her gaze. "You make it better too."

She gulps and parts of her cheeks darken. She nods. "Thank you, Raven." She studies Cat's face, then looks down. "I was raised with the belief that if I'm not useful to the rebellion, I'm not worth anything. Nothing matters except restoring the kingdom to its former glory. Ending the war."

I shake my head. "See, I can't stand behind that. That's not fighting for the people. That's fighting for an idea that doesn't even exist. I stand behind what Charlie talks about. Helping people. Sure, restoring the kingdom. But not to some glory. To the kingdom that was open and caring for people. One that didn't discriminate because you're Pure, or a werewolf, or a vampire. I don't care about the kingdom's honor. I care about ending the war because people are suffering. And if that's not the rebellion, then I'm not a rebel."

"What are you?" She asks, softly.

I set my jaw and shake my head again. "I don't know. I'm whatever people need me to be. A monster, a tool, a machine, a friend. But if I'm gonna do this. If I'm gonna fight for your world, it has to mean something. It can't be senseless."

She studies my eyes and I try not to look away.

Her eyes baffle me.

They're brown, like Rae's and Charlie's. But they're something else too. Something untouchable. Like the milky way, or a black hole. Something unfathomable. Something dangerous and beautiful and enchanting. Constantly pulling you in and pushing you away.

It's intense, and I want to look anywhere but her eyes.

But I hold her gaze.

"What would make fighting our war worth it to you?"

I finally look away, my heart twisting in my chest. I gulp. "I've been fighting a war for years, Shay. And I can honestly tell you I fight for the same thing you call me."

"Hope?" She whispers.

I nod. "Hope," I agree. "That one day things will be better. That's all I want. For things to be better. If I can help, I want to. But I made a promise to my friends. And I'm sorry. I know you want me to be this savior, but I'm not. I'm selfish, okay? And I meant what I said. I'm a monster. Because I would let the world burn to save my friends. I'm not a rebel first, everything second. I'm a friend first, everything else dead last."

Shay takes a shaky breath. "It goes against everything I was raised believing. You're different than I thought you'd be, Raven Black."

"Good."

She kisses my cheek, slowly. Softly. She doesn't pull back right away. She lingers near my face, her breaths warming my skin. "I'm going to save Catherine. I promise you that. But you have to promise me something too."

I nod. "Anything."

She squeezes my hand. "Give Ebony a chance. It's been destroyed by our war. But it was beautiful once. And I believe it can be something wonderful one day. When you get there, and I know you'll get there... just be open to everything. I know you want to come back to Ivory. But give us a chance first. Please."

I close my eyes and nod. "I promise."