Chapter 46

Love: it’s like a single soul embodying two people. It knows no guilt, no morals…

None of us knew how long we hugged each other. Then as he lifted my chin to face him, ours eyes meeting. We could see the content in each others eyes as his browns met my graygreens. They were gleaming. We had got our treasures. We long last had admitted our love to each other. We could hear each other’s heart beats. I could inhale the fragrance of his breaths. The feel of his skin was magical and as we continued staring each others eyes I could feel the shivering of his lips and felt lust in mine. The minimal gap existing between us was constricting bit by bit till I could taste him. Our lips met and we kissed. He asked for entry which I agreed words unspoken. We deepened the kiss. There were fireworks, there were sparklers and butterflies. It was not lust or desire. It was love. We could feel our souls meet. It was ecstatic. It was so very heavenly.

 If love was so beautiful why was I scared of it all my life????

 We moaned and continued breathlessly till his phone beeped.

 It was a text from Sandra. We came out of our heavenly world as he read the text

 Sandra: bein callin sinc long. Can v meet its urgent. M worried. Love ya

 “NO this is wrong” and I went away at a distance

 He came to me hugging me again “Why does it feel so right?”

 I could hear his sobs.

 “I cannot. We cannot do this.” I pushed him away from myself, my hormones fighting my conduct.

 ‘What are we doing?” he said a little angry.

 “Joshan I am sorry. I would always be sorry for denying my love for you when I had to. But it’s late.”

 “Late?”

 “We are committed. I am with Dexter and you are committed to Sandra” I stated the fact

 “Pearly we are in love” he tried to hug me again

 “Joshan I am Married dammit. You are engaged. We have committed to our relations” I pulled out of his grip.

 “Hell with those relations. I want you. I need you.” he hugged me tightly sobbing again.

 “Joshan I have taken vows for marriage. Sandra has so many expectations from you. We have to come out our love” I pushed him strongly.

 “Are you happy with your marriage? NO. Was I ever happy with Sandra? NO” he argued.

 “But she loves you” I ignored the pain in my heart when I uttered those words. They wewre destined to be together, they are engaged.

 “I don’t. I have and will only love you till eternity” he kept on confessing his love to me.

 He started kissing me from my cheeks moving down to my neck. I was lost in them. Though I had sex so many times. I never felt like that before. It felt so good. But ….

 “No. stop Joshan I cannot do this.” And I pushed him away with all the force I had and started crying.

 I cried for the love of my life was unhappy

I cried for I knew that I still have to suffer

 I cried because I loved him more than anything else

 I cried because he deserved more and better

 I cried because I wanted to cry everything off

 And wake up to a seventh heaven

 Where me and him were together

 Even if it were a dream

 I wanna sleep it through for ever

He hugged me and kissed me “out of everything this is least I expect out of my love for you. I don’t want to see you in pain. I cannot see you crying. That bastard is no good for you. How can anyone be so brutal. Pearly don’t return to him. Don’t kill yourself. Don’t go back to him. Atleast stop crying because of me”

"Then go away Joshan”

 “Pearly” I could see hurt in his eyes.

 “I can bear all the turmoil with only hope that you are happy with Sandra. Please don’t expect anything from me. I haven’t got anything left. Please leave.” I begged Joshan to go back to Sandra.

 “I can’t” he choked

 “You have to.” I insisted.

 And I had such bad feeling that I had to throw out. I felt restless. I felt nauseated. I went to bathroom with Joshan following behind. I vomited till the last drop in my body. He was circling his hands on my back. I liked his touch. I loved it but I also felt guilty about it. I went to my room and sat on the bed, knees folded and my hands cupping my face.

 “You okay?” Joshan asked.

 “Not till you leave. Enough of the stresses I am living through. You please don’t add more. LEAVE NOW or I will do something to myself that you will regret” I told him coldly and sternly.

 “How on earth can you live with a devil? Who on earth hits his wife like this?” Joshan said pointing to my bruises.

 “He's hurt some where in his heart. He will be fine one day. He loves me for sure. Its just that something is bothering him that he is become so short tempered. He'll be fine one day.” I supported Dexter

 “And you are going through all that pain till THAT day?” he asked frustrated.

 “I have taken vows Joshan. For better or worse in happiness and in pain. And I'll stick to those vows. I cannot leave him. I am his wedded wife.” and pushed Joshan to leave.

 “Please go Joshan. I beg of you” I said bending on my knees.

A part of me wanted to beg him to stay. Other half was scared. With all that has happened in my life I wanted his life to be pleasant and peaceful. I was happy with the fact that my love also loved me back. I would happily live all my life with that feeling engraved in my heart.

 Then later it was my lack of appetite or may be the stress that I couldn’t take that I felt like throwing up. I felt nauseated again that I rushed to the washroom and threw up again. Joshan followed me and moved his hands on my back in circles trying to sooth me and comforting me. After a while when I felt a bit stable “Joshan please go please” and I started sobbing

 He tried to hug me but I flinched back putting my hand between us I said, “if you ever love me, for the sake of my love please leave”

 He left only for me, only because I insisted and I wanted but I could see the pain and indecision in his eyes. But he had to go. We were not meant to be together. I didn’t deserve him and with my past I don’t think I could give all that he deserves. Also somewhere in my heart I was scared of Dexter.

 I let him go. I let my love go and I threw myself on my bed, rolled into a ball and cried to sleep.

 My parents were going through a tough time in their business that they spent most of the time working and I also I never disclosed the reality of my married life with them.

Joshan's pov

 I couldn't believe it, my love loves me back. It is such a privilege to be loved back by the one you love but unfortunately I am cursed. I cannot have her.

 “shit .. shit.. shit!!!!” I kicked the stone with my feet hurting myself but this pain is far less than my heart has to see Pearly in pain.

How can somebody be so cruel to a girl like Pearly? And how could Pearly or how would any body in the earth stand such violence and stick to the marriage vows?

Only Pearly yes my Pearly can be so strong and so committed to a relationship that she'll fulfill it till her last breath. Isn’t it why I love her?

 One thing is for sure she is not going to let me in her life as she is true with her vows and would die of pain but never get back.

 Other thing is equally sure is that I cannot stay with Sandra. I did carry a stable affair with her. I tried to keep that relation honestly and I did. I never loved Sandra. I only lied Pearly so that she didn't stay upset with me back then. To get back to our normal terms 7 months ago I simply lied and cooked up that I loved Sandra so that Pearly was back in talking terms with me. She was behaving so lost and upset that my f##king brain thought of this stupid thing of cooking up with Sandra. I did like Sandra as a friend but I never loved her. From the day I saw Pearly for the first time in high school I had loved her and when I got her as best friend I felt to be the lucky one. I thought slowly I would make her fall for me and I did but I failed to realise the same.

 She was so silly that she went away from my life simply to be away from me so that I was happy with Sandra and damn she forced me to be with Sandra, taking a promise from me.

 Now Pearly’s life is such a mess.

From the very first day I saw her at the college, once she returned from Florida that something was wrong. Her eyes were saying it all. I knew that very day she was hiding something from every body even her parents but I did not expect it to be that bad. She's leading a ruined life. She isn't happy at all neither can I be happy when she is suffering.

 I cannot be with Sandra. I don't even love her. I cannot cheat with her, with myself. This relation has no meaning. I should go and sort this out with her. I can apologize and do anything but I cannot be with any body else but my love.

''''''''''''''''

“Sandra. I am sorry.” I said looking down not having courage to face her.

 “Joshan where have you been. I was so worried?” she said not listening a bit to me.

 “I am sorry. I am sorry..” I repeated a number of times, now bending on my knees sobbing as I could see the bruised body of Pearly right in front of my eyes.

 Sandra lifted me and made me sit on her bed. She wiped my face with milky white soft hands of her but I did not want her to touch me. I loved Pearly and I knew it was true love and she loved me back. Her touch was hurting me making me feel guilty inside so I shifted from her and sat at a distance.

 “Sandra I do not love you. I never did. I tried. I honestly did but I couldn't love you back. I cannot keep this engagement. I am sorry” I said burying my face in my hands now.“I know I am hurting you. You can punish me for same but trust me I have had a worst of the punishment. My love is suffering and I cannot do anything about it.”

 I waited for her outburst that she would normally do when I'd deny her of a date or something. But what she did was a mere shock.

 She extended her hand to me returning my ring and asked, ”Friends?”

I chuckled not answering her. This girl's silly or has something even stupid in her mind.

 “Since we are friends now, can I ask you that the girl you love is Pearly?” she said in a most serious unexpected tone.

I looked at her speechless. Was it that obvious?

 “Pearly is the one you love?” she repeated.

 “How do you know?” I asked her.

 “So it is Pearly?” she repeated.

 “And she is in pain. I cannot be happy when I know her married life is nothing but a wrecked hole.” I said trying to prove my point which wasn't needed.

 “Why aren't her parents working on it?” she asked more inquisitively.

 “Her dad's having tough time in business and her mom is been under strong medication due to some kidney failure. Pearly as I know would never let her parents have the hint of her unsuccessful married life.” I explained it to her, every bit, every detail and she listened to me patiently and understandingly.

 Pearly's pov

Next morning I woke up with the ring of my phone.

 “Hi Pearly”

 ‘Hi Umm” I checked the caller id and “Sandra”

 “Can we meet?” she asked

 “Yeah sure” I agreed

“My house 9:30 a.m. I’ll sms you the address” she said 

  “yopes”

 It was 8 now. I did not want to think what she was up to. Though the thought of Joshan spending last night with me and our confession did bother me but I was prepared for the worst. I was sure I could convince them they both were meant for each other or may be she just casually invited me. I wanted to go for the later.

 I reached there on time. I skipped my breakfast. After all those months with skipping meals with Dexter I had lost my appetite.

“Hi Sandra”

 “Hi Pearly” we greeted as we hugged and side kissed each other. Nonetheless to say that I couldn’t face her that I actually was her home wrecker. I ditched her kissing her fiancé just on the night of her engagement.

 Oh how badly I wanted to bend on my knees to apologize to her but what if she is ignorant of last night. Suddenly my eyes fell on her ring finger. I lifted her hand in front of my eyes to check as if things could change. I questioned her with a look in my eyes.

 “No I am no longer engaged.” she showed her finger with no sign of grimace on her face. She was actually relaxed.

 I fell on my knees sobbing bitterly and muttering “Sorry sorry sorry” meaning every word with the core of my heart.

 ‘No Pearly. Don’t be sorry.” She lifted me.

 “I ruined. I ruined everything. Your life, Joshan’s” I cried to those words.

“How could I do that? Please forgive us” I kept on muttering

 “No pearly”