LOST IT TO TRYING

CHAPTER TWO

Draco Malfoy was the first person Amora Buckley ever hated and the first person she had ever fallen in love with, too. What had started as an immediate rivalry on their very first day of school had very slowly blossomed into something more by their fourth year at Hogwarts.

It had been five years since Amora had last seen Draco Malfoy, and nearly eight since they had been locked in the library overnight with one another. Even at the age of twenty-one years old, Amora managed to picture that night perfectly in her head. She was sure she was missing some of the finer details, but the most important ones were there— the Slytherin jumper, the penguin reference that seemed to stick with them for the rest of their short-lived relationship, how they'd fallen asleep pressed against one another...

Amora pursed her lips as she shuffled through the bedroom she shared with Pansy. The brunette girl grabbed a little drawstring bag and glanced around as if Pansy would Apparate any second directly in front of her. She tipped the contents of the bag on top of her duvet cover.

Earrings and necklaces spilled out, the back of an earring rolling all the way across the floor and onto Pansy's side of the small bedroom. She huffed, but parted her jewellery with her fingers. Gold shone through sentimental accessories, peaking out as if calling to her, and her fingers grabbed the back, lifting it up so she could inspect a golden badger. The tie pin Draco had gifted her.

She swiped her thumb over it, warming the metal, swallowing thickly. It had been maybe four years since Amora had sought it out just to have a look at it. She decided it was best she didn't torture herself over the past. Some things Amora really couldn't change, and so she had to look to the future— there was a war going on, and there was something she could do about that, at least.

Their first kiss had been on the Astronomy Tower after the Yule Ball. It sounded romantic, though it was anything but. She had gone with Blaise and he had gone with Pansy. They had spent the whole night either ignoring each other or bickering, and finally, after a long fight, he had pressed his lips to hers, and sealed their fate of a rebellious relationship— an act of defiance against both of their families.

It was a secret they had kept from everybody for months— or perhaps it was over a year, Amora struggled to remember the dates now. She didn't forget how hard it had been to stop people finding out that two sides of a political war had fallen in love with one another. She'd never forget the lengths he went to to make sure he could keep her around for longer.

Amora squeezed the golden badger and shoved it back into the bag alongside everything else. She wasn't sure why she still kept a hold of it when it did her no favours. Perhaps part of her felt as though the badger was proof of the beautiful relationship she had once had with Draco Malfoy— a reminder that once things had been perfect between the two of them, and she was not stupid or naive for trusting him.

She sat in breakfast later that early morning, huffing as she glanced down between her bowl of porridge and the empty honey jar tipped on its side further down the table, the last of its remnants creating a sticky mess on the counter.

"Unlucky," Leon said, and shoved the sugar jar over.

There were gasps around the room and Pansy shrieked as the ceramic jar flew straight past the arms of the two girls, soaring onto the ground and shattering loudly. Leon winced, his spoonful of CheeriOwls pausing midway to his mouth.

"Fuck," he huffed, and the spoon clattered back into his bowl, splashing milk. "Sorry, I forget how strong I am sometimes."

"Humble, too," Blaise muttered.

Pansy shook her arm where sugar had exploded all over her. "Fucking hell, Holloway. I look like the glitter monster has been sick all over me."

"What is the glitter monster?"

"Fuck off and clean it up with you?" Pansy huffed, gesturing to the mess behind her.

Leon sighed and abandoned his cereal to do as he was told. Amora pursed her lips at the porridge and decided against anymore sweet additives, shoveling the pale mixture into her mouth with a small wince. Her tolerance of sweet thing had grown so big that it tasted disgusting.

She kept quiet as her friends continued to talk around her. Theo was saying something about the food rationing going down, whilst Blaise and Leon seemed to argue over who ate the most in their small group. Amora's brain was wracked with other problems, such as the fact that she had been asked to become a Double Agent for the Order.

It was all she had thought about all night long. She tossed and she turned and she thought about how dangerous it would be, and how high the stakes were. To fail would be to die. Best case scenario, she would survive, but she would be living with the enemy.

Her heart melted when Pansy threw the crusted end of the bread at Blaise, the two of them jumping into some sort of altercation. Amora didn't know how she would cope with not being able to see her best friends everyday. They were her family— the only people she could truly count on in this dark world.

Everything inside of her wanted to say no. She wanted to be selfish and protect herself— tell them to pick somebody else, she wasn't going to sacrifice everything for something she may not see the outcome of.

However, a small part kept burning at the idea of aiding this war. She dreaded to think who would be chosen if she was to say no. Would Moody resort to one of her Slytherin friends? Would he really be tough enough to send them back to their families where they were bound to be punished and ridiculed?

Of course he would. This was a war and he didn't care about feelings. That was exactly why he was asking her to go running off to Draco Malfoy.

Pansy snapped her fingers in front of Amora's face. "You alright, Mora?"

"I'm fine," she replied, forcing a smile. "Didn't sleep very well last night, that's all."

"I could hear you tossing about," Pansy agreed, "What's happening in that brain of yours?"

"Just the whole Snape thing, really," Amora said, "And I know they sent a few of us off because of that threat at one of our food suppliers, and they haven't come back in two days. Sort of worrying."

"Oh yeah," Blaise furrowed his brows. "I forgot about that. The twins, Longbottom, and— who else?"

"Wood."

"Oh yeah, the Gryffindor lot."

"Right."

All their heads turned to face the large tables the Gryffindors usually sat at. Old habits die hard, and even as adults in an army together, friendship groups remained quite stable. It was hard to mix— though nobody really fought with one another. Most of the older people did that.

Ginny Weasley sat there, Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas with her. Lavender Brown was cuddling with one of the older boys, Amora couldn't remember his name, and other Gryffindor alumni from other years scattered around on their own tables nearby. Despite only four people missing, it seemed very noticeable.

"I wondered why it was so quiet," Leon said, "I didn't realise the Weasley twins weren't back yet."

"Moody's not said anything about it, and nobody else has been sent out to look for them. I'll take that as a good sign," Theo attempted to heal the concerned expressions sitting around their table.

"Nobody's been sent off that we know of," Pansy reminded him, "there's lots Moody and Lupin don't want us to know."

There was a long pause. "It's Finnigan's birthday today," Blaise said.

"So?"

"So," he replied pointedly, "that means there might be a little get together. One that I am sure I can get us invited to."

"How?" Amora asked.

Blaise's brilliant idea was to gamble, of course. All he had to do was send Leon to the part of the common room the former Gryffindors were gathering in with a pack of cards and dare Seamus to a high stakes game of Shithead. Of course, Seamus had to accept.

Dean had a Muggle CD player that was playing old albums quietly. Lavender was passing around a couple bottles of Firewhisky, and a cake had been presented by Mrs Weasley, who had warned them all with a pointed finger not to get too drunk and rowdy.

There were a couple of common rooms inside the headquarters, and it seemed most others had headed off to others, giving them some privacy. Either that, or they were irritated by Leon's constant loud bragging and mocking, or Seamus' angry yells, and the way he'd throw his deck every now and again in whichever direction most convenient.

Amora looked down at the cake which was red with huge golden numbers making out "22". It was hard to believe how old everybody was getting, but she saw that as a privilege with the more and more war she witnessed daily.

"This is nice," Amora sighed, collapsing back onto the sofa in between Pansy and Theo. Nostalgic may hae been the most appropriate word for it.

Blaise was grabbing Leon's shoulders, squeezing them and giving him the sort of peptalk a captain might give his team before a Quidditch game.

"He's such a drama queen," Pansy huffed and rolled her eyes.

"Blaise bet twenty Muggle pounds of his own money," Theo replied, "So I think he's stressed."

"Leon never loses," Amora dismissed him. "Blaise needn't worry."

She watched fondly as her fellow Hufflepuff spoke over the cards he was holding in his hands, smirking as he successfully attempted to get into Seamus' head. Seamus' face was bright red— everybody knew how much he hated losing. Amora couldn't say she was surprised that Leon wasn't cutting Seamus any slack despite the fact that it was his birthday.

"Hello, Pansy," a sweet voice sounded as Luna Lovegood drifted over to the sofa a little while later, once Seamus had lost numerous rounds of Shithead. Luna leant her body on the arm of the couch, resting her arm behind Pansy's head and smiling. "What a coincidence seeing you here. I didn't think you were good friends with Seamus."

Pansy smirked up at the blonde woman, resting a hand on Luna's knee and giving it a squeeze. "You know me, Lovegood. If there's Firewhisky, there is a high chance I am close by."

Luna smiled. "Should I start leaving some Firewhisky in my bedroom, then?"

Amora choked on the drink she had been sipping at, spluttering and coughing as Theo smacked her on the back– not without a wide-eyed expression of his own written all over his face. It was the last thing she had been expecting to come out of oh-so-sweet-Lovegood's mouth, especially with that airy, gentle tone she always used.

Pansy grinned, her tongue covering her teeth, but huffed and turned to look at Amora. "Would you stop hacking it up right in my ear? Puts me off."

"S-Sor-ry!" Amora spluttered, finally feeling the tickle in the back of her throat calm down, punching her fist against her own chest in an attempt to ease the burn. "Sorry, I just wasn't expecting that."

"That's okay, Amora," Luna said, "No need to apologise for things out of your control. Would you mind if I borrowed your friend?"

"You don't have to ask them, Lovegood," Pansy laughed and was immediately up and out of her seat, grasping Luna's hand and pulling her up. "I'll see you two tomorrow, then."

Theo rolled his eyes, but couldn't help smiling ever so slightly. "Have fun, you two."

Amora nudged him lightly with her elbow. "See you later."

She watched them run off together, giggling and leaning on one another, Pansy's hand sliding to the back of Luna's jumper and grasping it. Amora smiled, shaking her head. She thought the two of them were sweet together, but Pansy had made it clear on numerous occasions that she did not want to get into a relationship with anybody in the midst of a raging war.

The Order had seen a lot of death. It affected them all— whether they were close to that person or not. Mostly because every time a member would die, it was inevitable that you would be laying in bed that night, listening to their loved ones mourn until the early hours of the morning. The worst time was when it had happened to Theo. They had all really felt the pain then.

Yet still, the most unlikeliest of couples had emerged since the war had started. So much pain and anguish caused people to react in the funniest of ways. Many sought control by engaging in sexual activities with their former peers, others fell in love as if it was the last chance they would ever have to do so. Amora understood where Pansy was coming from. She didn't think she would ever be able to put herself through that sort of heartbreak again.

"Blaise and Leon hang around each other quite a bit."

Amora hummed as she snapped out of thought, jerking her head over at Theo who nursed some Firewhisky in a glass resting on his thigh. Her dark eyes darted over to the two boys mentioned— their card games long forgotten, but both sat off to the side with a beer each, chattering away, knees pulled up to their chests as they sat on the floor by the coffee table, in their own little world.

"They're very similar," Amora nodded, "So I suppose that makes sense."

Theo exhaled through his nose in an amused breath. "Yeah, I suppose. Blaise was really worried about him the other day when you two went to go and check on Snape. I mean, he was worried about both of you, of course, but since Leon was bitten by Greyback, he's been so..."

"Overprotective?" Amora suggested, "I know. I have noticed that, too, actually. It's sweet."

"Mhm," Theo hummed, "I think he likes him. More than a friend."

"Oh." Amora perked up, shuffling upwards on the sofa, eyes wide. "Do you think so?"

"Yes," Theo replied, "Blaise hasn't said anything... I'm not even sure if he likes blokes— and I don't know if he even realises he does either— if he even does— but... I don't know. I just think, whether he realises it or not, Blaise has a thing for Leon."

Amora thought about it for a long moment. She watched Blaise laugh and nudge Leon's arm. Leon shook his head, dark hair falling in front of his eyes which he pushed away with a snicker of his own.

"You know, I think you're onto something there, Detective Nott," Amora said, "Maybe you should have a conversation with Blaise about it. So he knows he's safe... coming out to you. If it's true."

Theo pursed his lips and glanced at Amora, leaning his head against the back of the sofa. "Yeah. I should. I will."

Amora smiled softly and patted the hand he rested on his own knee. "Good. I wonder if Leon would ever fancy him back. I don't know if he's that way inclined either."

The Nott man raised a brow at Amora. She pursed her lips.

"Is this another one of my completely-obvious moments?"

"At least you're becoming more self-aware about them," Theo teased.

Amora smiled and leaned back in her seat. It made her think about Kathy Redsoft, one of her best friends from the Hufflepuff house. She hadn't seen Kathy since the war had broken out five years ago. Amora wasn't sure whether Kathy was dead, if she fought with another resistance, or if perhaps she had converted to the Death Eaters' cause for her own safety.

The last time Amora had seen Kathy was right before the war had broken out. They shared the same dormitory alongside the other sixth year Hufflepuff girls.

"See you in the morning," Amora had said to her, just as they did every night since their first, but Amora awoke to explosions in the school— the Great Hall being obliterated above the Hufflepuff dormitories causing the ceiling to rattle abruptly— and then Sprout was attempting to evacuate them quickly, and, selfishly, all Amora cared about was finding Draco Malfoy.

She would never forgive herself. Especially when she found out that he had taken the Dark Mark. That it was Draco who had killed Dumbledore on the Astronomy Tower that night and led Death Eaters into Hogwarts. That he had hidden this from her all year, as well as their other friends.

"Are you alright?" Theo gently nudged her, and she realised that he was taking the whiskey glass out from her fingertips. "Perhaps you've had enough to drink for tonight."

Amora swallowed thickly and rubbed her face with her hands, as if increasing blood flow to her face would make smiling a bit easier. Her muscles hurt from the frown they had been in, and yet it was hard to switch them the other way around— it felt more natural to purse her lips and furrow her brows.

"Maybe I have," she said, "I might head back to my dormitory."

"I'll walk with you," Theo said, "I'm knackered and I'd hate to interrupt whatever the hell Blaise and Leon are doing right now."

Amora glanced back over at their friends. The two men were now doing some sort of handshake— or clapping game, Amora wasn't sure. She chuckled quietly and waited for Theo to place both their glasses down on the side table before they took off in the direction of the dormitories.

It was comforting to walk in silence beside Theo, embracing the alcohol in her body and the fuzzy way that it made her feel, and to close her eyes for a moment as she walked the all too familiar path back to her home for the last five years. Headquarters wasn't too bad, however, it was sterile and cold. This was probably to be expected when an undetectable extension charm had to be made quickly beneath 12 Grimmauld Place, where higher-up members of the Order resided in their free time.

"Thanks, Theo," Amora said, as they stopped outside her door. "I'll see you in the morning— Oh Merlin!"

She shrieked upon peeling the door open absentmindedly and coming across something that may just scar her for life. Pansy yelled her name furiously, and there was a mess of bed covers being yanked over herself and Luna, who immediately began to laugh.

Amora slammed the door shut hard. Her eyes were wide as they flickered to Theo's face. He attempted to appear sympathetic and surprised, but then a snort escaped his nose and he was cackling. The dark-haired woman shoved him as he laughed even harder, his hand on her shoulder for balance.

"Y-Your face!" He howled, "Oh my Gods, that is potentially the funniest thing that has happened here. Ever."

Amora scowled. "I feel violated."

"Come on," Theo laughed, "Come with me. You can camp in my dormitory until its over."

"Pansy said lesbians never stop." Amora's face was white.

Theo crinkled his nose. "Blaise can top and tail with Leon then. I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

"I'm sure," Amora agreed, though the image of Pansy and Luna still burned in the back of her eyes and made her shudder.

Theo opened his door, just a few down from Amora and Pansy's, and Amora moved in beneath his outstretched arm, catching a whiff of the Firewhisky and his cologne on him. She immediately flopped down onto Blaise's bed.

"Everyone's hooking up with one another!" Amora exclaimed, and shifted to look at Theo who had sat on the edge of his, looking at her. "Pans and Lovegood, Ginny's back with Dean Thomas, I think even Lupin has a thing for Tonks. Now Blaise and Leon are probably going to be together in the next week or so!"

"Those two will pine for years, I know it," Theo disclaimed.

Amora huffed. "I'm serious. I don't know how everybody's doing it!"

Theo pursed his lips and gave her a small, sympathetic look. "I know."

"It's really hard to indulge in... nice things like relationships or sex," Amora murmured, "When I think about what's going on outside these walls. And I think about how horrible it would be to get attached to another person and for it to all go wrong again."

Theo nodded. "Yeah. I know exactly what you mean." He was silent for a few moments. The only sound was his bedside clock ticking.

Tick.

Tick.

"Do you not think we deserve it, though?"

Amora furrowed her brows. "Hm?"

"I think people deserve a break from war," Theo said, and his eyes burned into Blaise's mattress rather than at Amora directly. "I think that people should have... have bits of happiness here and there. So it's not all doom and gloom."

Amora thought for a moment, sitting up as she did so, pulling her knees up to her chest and hugging her legs. "I agree," she said, "I just don't know how they all do it so easily."

"Are you too scared to?" Theo furrowed his brows, and this time he did look her in the eye. "Is it because you're worried that what happened... might happen again?"

Amora chuckled, scratching the back of her neck, trying to ignore the way her cheeks and ears were heating up. "I'm... I suppose I am scared of experiencing that same feeling again. Of having everything just ripped away and that... the sort of agony that I felt. I don't want to feel it again."

Theo's head tilted to the side, and he pressed his lips in a thin line. "Can I try something?"

"What is it?"

Theo climbed off of his bed and over to Amora, his thigh pressed to hers, his hand holding her arm. Amora's eyes were slightly wide, her lips parted in surprise, her heart hammering as his gaze flickered from her eyes to her mouth. She realised quickly what he meant.

Amora gave him a small nod. "Try it."

Theo slowly moved in until his lips met Amora's. For a moment, Amora felt like her heart was going to come out of her chest, and she wasn't sure why. She didn't have feelings for Theo, and she was nearly a hundred percent certain he had no romantic feelings for her, but it was such a surreal feeling to have somebody pressed up against her again, kissing her sweetly, a large hand tangling in the back of her dark hair.

Amora kissed him back, her eyes long fluttered shut, working out how similar and yet different Theo felt to past experiences. It wasn't necessarily bad, but one face in particular kept jolting into her head. They tore away from one another.

"I—" Theo swallowed the lump in his throat, and Amora realised that his eyes had welled up with tears, threatening to spill over. He gave a bitter chuckle as he dried them with the back of his hands. "I don't think I was ready for that, after all."

Amora mirrored his expression, everything tugging in her chest in a painful and dull way. She grabbed him in a tight hug, squeezing him so tightly that for a moment he might think his pieces were coming back together.

"Fuck, Theo," Amora muttered, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," he said, and pulled away from her grasp. "I wanted to. Just to know if I could move on. I mean..." His face scrunched up with his fists. "It's been two fucking years! Two years, Amora, and I can't even... I couldn't have sex with somebody even if I really wanted to. Not without seeing her face."

Amora frowned. "It's okay, Theo. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's normal to mourn for a long time. You and Evangelina were together for years."

He flinched at her name. Amora immediately wanted to blurt more apologies, knowing that her name was nearly as forbidden as Lord Voldemort's, but she pinched her mouth shut, afraid it would make things even more awkward.

"But I deserve happiness," Theo said, and his throat was croaky, his large hand running through his head of hair. "I deserve to move on."

"You do," Amora agreed and squeezed his hand. "In your own time. When you're ready."

"You deserve it, too," Theo said, and Amora's eyes widened a little. "He pulled a blind-one on all of us, Amora, and we all miss who we thought Draco was... but you're the only one that still suffers for it."

Amora shook her head, glancing down at her lap. "I... I have moved on. That was five years ago, Theo." She laughed a little, in an ironic way. "I mean, that's not to say I haven't gained a few trust issues from it all, of course... But I have moved on from him. I don't feel the same anymore. I just feel angry."

Theo nodded. "I understand. I just think... you still punish yourself in a way. As if it was your fault he never told you. That you couldn't help him, or stop him from doing what he did. I know for a fact that that when your cousin's old friend— Fawley or whatever his name was— was flirting with you a few weeks ago that you liked it."

"Uh!" Amora huffed, her cheeks glowing bright red as she glared at him. "No I did not. It was weird! He was Cedric's best friend!"

"Oh, come on," Theo laughed, "It was clear as day on your face that you fancied him back. I don't believe that you didn't let it go beyond flirting because he used to be friends with Cedric."

Amora felt herself getting a bit angry, her nose scrunching. "I don't appreciate you implying I still have feelings for him. I don't, Theo. I honestly don't anymore."

"I know, I know," Theo said, "I believe that. I really do. I just think that perhaps you won't let people get close romantically because of him. And I think that's a shame because I know you have so much love to give, Amora."

Amora smiled timidly, though it didn't really meet her eyes. "Thanks, Theo. Not entirely sure how I feel about you psychologically analysing me and my relationship with relationships, but thank you for looking out for me."

"Of course," Theo replied and squeezed her hand. "Take my bed, if you'd like. That way, when Blaise comes back, he won't try and cuddle up to you in his drunken state."

Amora laughed at the thought. "So you'll be stealing his cuddles for me, then?"

Theo chuckled. "Sucks to be you."

D.M + A.B

Two days later, Theodore Nott was banished from the Order of the Phoenix.

Amora only found out when she was strapped down to a chair and probed by the same Interrogators that usually had captured Death Eaters in the exact seat she sat in. Moody and Lupin stood in the corner of the room, arms folded, watching as she sobbed the same few words through tears.

"I didn't know. I didn't know. I'm telling the truth."

Occlumency was used against her. Amora was a great Occlumens— as most Order members were— but she did not bother putting up any boundaries. They delved into her friendship with Theo, from Hogwarts all the way up to the previous night where she had been sat with him and the rest of their friends, drinking hot tea and talking about the most random of things.

What do you know about the defection of Theodore Nott?

Did you know he has been communicating with Death Eaters for the last year?

Were you helping him deliver secret parcels to Death Eaters during days off in the Muggle world?

"It's true," the Interrogator eventually said, turning to face Moody and Lupin as the bands around her wrists and ankles vanished. "She did not know Nott was defected."

Amora moved into the hallway, her body stiff. It didn't feel like her own. She had to force every heavy step, remember to breathe, make herself turn and face her friends. A sobbing Pansy grabbed her in a hug.

"Did they say the same thing to you?" She heaved.

Amora nodded against her. "I can't believe it."

"It feels like Malfoy all over again," Blaise said, and Amora stiffened, her mind going back to the conversation she'd had with Theo a few nights ago.

"He wouldn't do this to us." Amora shook her head. "Theo doesn't believe in Pureblood supremacy."

"That's what we said last time—"

"Theo is not Draco," Pansy sobbed, "He was helping the Order. It must be some sort of misunderstanding. Or he was being threatened. There has to be a logical reason for all of—"

"Mr Nott took full accountability for betraying the Order of the Phoenix," Moody said from behind them, and the group of young adults whirled around, surprised. "We discovered he had been heading to one of their Headquarters regularly, unknown parcels in his possession. He admitted to aiding the Death Eaters."

"No," Pansy choked.

Blaise grabbed her shoulder. He squeezed Amora's arm with his other hand. Even Leon looked as though he had seen a ghost, his face pale, eyes burning into the floor, flickering.

"Unfortunately yes, Miss Parkinson," Moody said, "He said he acted alone, but we had to interview your group to be on the safe side, of course. Others will face interrogation, also."

"What's happened to him now?" Leon asked, brows furrowed. He sounded a bit numb, but was evidently the most stable between the group of friends. "Is he..."

"That is the most concerning part, Holloway. He's escaped."

"What?" Blaise sucked in a breath. "What do you mean that he escaped?"

"It means exactly what it means!" Moody growled, "Lupin was in the middle of restraining him— he was confessing before we had made it to the interrogation room— then he Apparated. Poof! Gone! He knew there would be Apparation Wards. He did it while he could still get away."

That did sound quite guilty to Amora. She swiped at her tears and buried her face back in Pansy's neck.

"This isn't real," she whispered, "This isn't real."

Pansy held her tighter. A painful pinch of reality. This was real.

Amora had seen this before. She knew the disbelief would soon replace itself with depression and then anger. So much anger. She didn't think she was capable of any more of the stuff.

"If anybody sees Theodore Nott," Moody growled, "It is immediate Killing Curse. Merlin knows what he is telling them right at this very second."

... 

sorry that updates are coming in a bit slowly! i am trying to take my time to make sure i am happy with each chapter, though i did face a bit of writer's block earlier which didn't help!

i hope you enjoyed it anyway :)

dyiansobrien 

wc: 5.2k