Lost it to Trying

Chapter One

It took the Order of the Phoenix two weeks to find Severus Snape's dead body. Amora Buckley stood over the corpse of her former Potions teacher, gasping in a breath and sinking her nose between her thumb and her index finger. His skin had been drained of all colour, sunken into his bones, his hollow black eyes gazing into the void.

Amora had seen plenty of dead bodies— even what was left of her own mother's corpse– yet there was something about seeing Snape's which created her most inescapable feeling of hopelessness so far. Nothing about the way he was slumped in his armchair appeared peaceful, his wand in half near his boot-clad foot. This was the Order's biggest loss since Kingsley Shacklebolt last year.

"Fuck," Leon Holloway retched, lifting the dark jumper he wore up to his mouth and nose, covering it the best he could whilst pointing his wand towards Snape. The glow at the end cast shadows over his body, the only source of light in the cold flat. "Shit. I didn't think— I didn't think he'd actually be fucking dead."

Amora swallowed and then grinded her teeth in a jaw-clenching motion, pursing her lips together. She had not been expecting to find him dead, either. His radio-silence had been worrying to the Order, so much so they sent people to go and check on him, however, deep down, nobody was expecting to find Severus Snape dead. Snape was supposed to see the end of the war— he was supposed to help the Order win it.

"What do we do now?" Leon glanced across at Amora, face wrinkled with concern. "It feels wrong to just leave him here."

Amora sighed, pinching her nose tighter as she shifted forwards, as if hoping to see the faint rise and fall of Snape's chest.

"Send a Patronus to Moody or Lupin," Amora instructed firmly, "Maybe we could Portkey him to the medical ward. I know he's already gone, but..."

Neither could peel their eyes off of him. Amora wondered if Leon was thinking about how doomed they were too, or if that was something he would realise later on when he was tucked up in bed, when the reality that their only Double Agent was dead would truly sink in.

"Yeah." Leon cleared his throat. "Yeah– I'll do that now."

He stepped forwards and then froze. Amora's head snapped towards him, furrowing her brows at Leon's bulging eyes.

"I think I tripped a ward," Leon hissed frantically, "I can smell the magic—"

Amora's arm snapped out and their fingertips were just an inch from grazing when three loud cracks swallowed the room behind them. She threw her wand-holding arm over her head and whirled around, "Stupefy!" She spat.

Three Death Eaters clad in their black garments and skull-like masks shot similar attack spells towards Amora and Leon, who dodged the sprays of magic. Amora's spell hit the Death Eater on the left square in the chest, and he was sent flying backwards into one of Snape's mahogany bookshelves. He grunted loudly as wood cracked and books thumped around him, a world globe tumbling from the top shelf and plummeting on the side of his head.

Amora heard Leon growl beside her, a wolfish habit he had picked up even when the moon was not full, jets of red firing at the last remaining Death Eaters. The brunette woman only narrowly missed a spit of emerald green, her eyes widening as she rolled to the floor, taking cover behind the empty armchair.

A second went by before she was poking back around, grabbing the material for stability and springing her other arm straight. Then, confidently, "Avada Kedarvra!"

The one that had about to aim a spell at Leon was quickly on the floor, every inch of life draining his body. Amora never liked using the Killing Curse— they were taught only to use it as a last resort and never first— but with every Order member the Death Eaters murdered, it seemed to only get easier and easier to spit out. She was only thankful for the way their masks hid their faces. She would never want to see the life drain from their eyes. That might make it feel too real.

When the final Death Eater pointed his wand out, Leon cried a quick disarming spell, sending it flying, and then knocked the man out with a Stupefy. Amora sighed in relief, her chest heaving up and down as she quickly darted over.

"Okay, fuck the Patronus. Let's just leave," Amora proposed.

She reached into her thigh holster and grabbed the fabric-covered stone. Amora pulled out the forearm of the Death Eater, yanking off his black glove and spreading his fingers open. Pinching the cloth, she let the Portkey-disguised stone drop into the man's palm, and with a loud pop, the Death Eater had vanished from the middle of the room.

"What about that one?" She asked Leon who was grabbing the first Death Eater's wrist, pinching where his pulse should have been.

Leon shook his head. "Dead. Let's just get the fuck out of here now, before anymore decide to spawn in my close proximity."

Amora extended her hand. As soon as their fingers interlocked, she felt the pull behind her bellybutton and the world twisted into meandering shapes and blurred colours, the wooshing sound drowning in her ears until the former Hufflepuffs landed firmly in the entrance way of the main headquarters.

Lavender Brown glanced up from the book that she had been reading. She sat behind a desk, as if she was running a hotel rather than an army's base, her curls tied up into a messy knot, her glasses at the end of her nose and what must have been a Muggle lollypop between her lips.

She pulled it out and stood up, her wheely chair sliding backwards and smacking into the wall with a soft bang.

"Names," she ordered.

"Amora Elle Buckley."

"Leon Alexander Holloway."

"Code word?" Lavender pushed.

"Matchstick," both answered at once.

It changed everyday. Lavender not-so-subtly checked the pink sticky note on the side of her typewriter. She ignored the judgemental looks she was receiving from both Amora and Leon.

"Well?" Lavender pressed, finally loosening up slightly, folding her arms against the top shelf where piles of paperwork sat. "Is he... Has he... defected or something?"

Leon pursed his lips. "We need to talk to Moody first."

Lavender's face pulled into a deeper frown. Seamus Finnigan and Anthony Hopkins nodded at the two of them as they moved away from the main entrance doors to let Amora and Leon inside. Some paused their conversations to stare at Amora and Leon, studying them as if one of them would give away what had happened through facial expressions. Both attempted to keep as neutral as they possibly could. Amora gripped her wand tighter with her trembling hand.

"Oh, thank Merlin!"

Amora raised her eyebrows when Blaise Zabini threw his arms around Leon, squeezing him into a tight hug. Leon's eyes widened and he patted Blaise on the back somewhat unsurely, glancing at Amora as if she would be able to explain Blaise's actions for him. Amora wouldn't have known where to start.

"Err... y'alright, Blaise." Leon cleared his throat.

Blaise glared at them both now, large hand clamping on Amora's shoulder, squeezing. "Neither of you told us you'd be going on a mission!"

"It was hardly a mission," Leon scoffed, "We were merely doing a wellness check. Like fucking social services or something."

"We were only told last minute," Amora disclaimed.

"Well, how was he? Did he say why—"

"Buckley, Holloway." Alastor Moody's stern Irish accent boomed through the room, and now Amora was sure they really did have everybody's attention. "Inside."

His back was against his office door, and he pointed in for emphasis. Amora sent Blaise a tiny smile and did as she was instructed, Leon close behind. She was all too aware of Moody's eye following their movements whilst his other trained on the rest of room like a warning.

As soon as they were seated in the uncomfortable plastic chairs on the other side of Moody's desk, the door slammed shut and Lupin started pacing on the other side. His large hand massaged his jaw.

"Something's happened, hasn't it?" Lupin said regretfully, "We were alerted by the Interrogation Ward that you sent them a Death Eater."

Leon sighed heavily and looked at Amora. Neither wanted to say it. The two words that confirmed a change in the war. A true defeat, a loss of hope.

"Snape's dead."

Silence engulfed the room. It was as if the air had been knocked out of Lupin's lungs. He paused from pacing, and then he leaned down to place a hand on the desk, and then, as if his knees had buckled beneath his weight, he collapsed into the chair, his hand moving from his jaw to his mouth, pulling at his bottom teeth. His eyes were large and round.

Moody, too, had nothing to say for a moment. The click clack of his walking stick against the concrete flooring was oddly eerie, and Amora could not read the expression on Moody's face. She had no clue whether he was shocked or unsurprised, sad or not, panicking or calm.

"Well..." Moody pursed his lips, and looked around the room as if something would spark some inspiration. "Well."

She took his lack of words as everything she needed to know.

They were fucked.

A.B + D.M

During meal time, Moody stood at the front of the room and announced to what was left of the Order that Severus Snape was dead and they now had no upper hand in the war. Before, Moody relied on Snape heavily. The Double Agent was as loyal as he had been solemn, and far too many times had he saved the Order from stumbling into battles blind.

There was a somber feeling that night. The only times people saw Snape was when he was disappearing from Moody and Lupin's office, but there was a general understanding that tonight marked more than just the death of one man.

Pansy Parkinson pursed her lips as she looked at the cards she held in her hands. Amora sat behind her on the sofa, one hand running through Pansy's dark bob, the other holding the book she was reading. Across the coffee table, legs folded beneath him like a small child, Leon was smirking above his cards.

"You can't have higher than a Queen," Pansy huffed, "That is absolutely not possible. All of the Kings have been used up now."

"Do you even believe your own words, Parkinson?" Leon smirked slyly, and then, rather dramatically, a King was smacked down on top of Pansy's card.

Gasps surrounded the coffee table. Blaise buried his head in his hands, and even Theodore Nott was now glancing over the top of his book, nose wrinkled, brown eyes attempting to follow whatever had happened that had warranted such a reaction.

"It's over," Pansy's bottom lip wobbled. "I don't have an ace, and I definitely don't have a King."

"Pick up, Parkinson!" Leon hollered.

Pansy, who had only one card left in her hand, glared down at the stack of cards in the middle of the table that sat at about two inches tall. Leon held only three cards in his hands. In a fit of rage, her manicured hands were reaching forwards, grasping all of the cards and then throwing them directly at the shaggy-haired man.

"Hey!" Leon snapped, huffing as he grasped the raining cards. "If you weren't going to play properly, I would have played with somebody that actually takes this game seriously."

"The game is literally called Shithead," Theo remarked, raising a brow. "How could anybody take such a game seriously?"

Leon rolled his eyes and began to expertly shuffle the cards. "Finnigan bets proper money on it. Shithead can be deadly serious, Nott. You just haven't played me."

"I'm not the gambling type," Theo replied.

Amora smiled slightly, and grabbed her bookmark off of the arm of the sofa, tucking it neatly into the novel. She sat up, wincing at the cracks of her back, arms stretching high above her head.

"It's getting late," Pansy acknowledged, getting up from the floor. "I can't handle late nights anymore."

"You never could, you dragon," Blaise remarked, and only narrowly missed the pillow that Pansy launched his way.

Amora chuckled and grabbed the pillow, placing it back on the sofa neatly. The fireplace crackled and the small room was hot from the five bodies crammed inside of it. The rest of them seemed to be getting up to head to bed as well.

"Hopefully tomorrow Moody and Lupin have some good news," she sighed.

"I don't know what universe you think we are living in, but there will be no good news for us tomorrow, Amora," Blaise said matter-of-factly. "Without Snape... I don't know what the fuck we're supposed to do."

"We've survived without him before," Pansy said meekly, "Like when he had to throw suspicion off of himself a couple of years ago. Remember how he went AWOL for four months? We survived then."

"Most of us did," Theo said gravely.

Suddenly nobody was smiling. Amora felt cold, the bottoms of her eyes stinging as if the events of Phoenix Day had happened last week. After a solemn speech from Moody that morning, Amora had witnessed first-hand the safe haven for non-fighting families and Muggleborns turn into a mass grave. The Phoenix Buildings had been destroyed less than a week after their opening. Families murdered, Muggleborn children slaughtered, Pureblood and Halfblood children kidnapped to join the Dark Lord's programmes.

"Right," Pansy cleared her throat, and glanced at the floor. "I forgot it was then. I— I don't know what we'll do without him. I suppose they'll need a new Double Agent."

Amora pondered Pansy's words as she lay in bed that night. Staring up at the ceiling, she tried to count Hippogriffs, but they were flying out of sight and she could only picture Severus Snape dead in his armchair. She swallowed thickly, scared she would gag if she didn't regulate her breathing. She swore she could still smell the hot jaws of death dragging him away.

The only choice going forwards was a new Double Agent. Somebody that could spy on the Death Eaters and bring back helpful information to benefit the Order. Amora thought surely the only way it would work would be for Moody to convince a Death Eater to defect. Most likely, he would have to offer something very valuable in return. Even then, the Death Eater would have to rank high enough to access the sort of information that Snape was able to gather.

"Are you awake?"

Amora nearly didn't hear Pansy from where the other woman lay in the single bed on the other side of the small room. Amora nodded before she realised Pansy couldn't see her in the pitch blackness.

"Yeah," she whispered, "Why?"

"I just keep thinking about how we're losing," Pansy replied, her voice thick. "And how scary that is. We're losing at least one person a week at this point. Nobody wants to help anymore because we're fighting a losing battle."

Amora knew Pansy was right. The Order was dwindling each month. Whether it was due to mortality rates or a general lack of support, Amora was terrified to learn the ratio of Voldemort supporters compared to Order supporters. Worse yet, the ratio of His army and theirs.

Voldemort's army of Death Eaters made up every institution in the Wizarding World and came in the hundreds. Amora thought that the Order may have a hundred on a good day. People just weren't ready to sacrifice everything with the odds stacked against them.

Amora knew she had nothing left to lose. Neither did her friends. They sat among people much older than them at meetings and were given tasks that those with years of experience would be handed during a better-prepared war, but Moody was desperate, and everybody knew it.

"Yeah," Amora replied, "Yeah, I'm scared, too."

"People are only on You-Know-Who's side because they're scared," Pansy spat angrily, but her voice sounded croaky and wet. "And it's so stupid. If they'd just... if they'd just actually help us... Maybe we would get somewhere!"

This conversation happened most nights. The words hardly changed.

"I know," Amora murmured, "It's stupid."

Nobody said anything. Sleep found them hours later.

A.B + D.M

The Muggle world was an escape to many of the Order members. It was where dozens of families had fled when the war had broken out, putting their wands and Hogwarts memorabilia in boxes in the loft, turning away from the magic running through their veins. Amora couldn't quite blame them sometimes, considering the effects war often had on her and her friends. It was very rare she didn't wake up to Pansy screaming in her sleep or to her own sobs blaring in her ears.

Every now and again, when Amora wasn't sent on a mission, she would find herself in Muggle London. Most of the time, Leon accompanied her, and she liked that. He would always tell her what the shops were, and how everything worked, or what was considered socially acceptable and not.

Sometimes, Amora would go by herself. She liked roaming around all of the bookshops, and using her Muggle money to buy all sorts of Muggle sweeties that she found. Her favourite thing the Muggles had was called a 'pick'n'mix'. She grabbed a pink and white striped paper bag and filled it to the brim with sugared sweets and chocolate coated peanuts and jelly worms and all sorts.

Mostly, when alone in London, Amora enjoyed sitting in one of the parks and people-watching. She liked feeding the ducks at the river, or reading her book on a field among other people reading theirs, or having picnics, or kicking a ball about. Sometimes, if she happened to catch a glimpse of what she once had here, she had to Apparate back before her heart was in her throat.

"How you consume that much sugar is beyond me," Pansy shuddered as Amora finally left the sweetshop she'd disappeared in, looking very pleased with her bulging bag of sweets. "I think I would go into shock."

"I have a sweet tooth," Amora shrugged, and smiled as she pulled out a huge blue gummy dolphin— or was it supposed to be a shark? She ripped its head off first either way.

Pansy grimaced. "Anyways, I have no idea where Theo has wandered off to now. He keeps doing this!" She went on her toes to look around the crowds with a crumpled face. "It's so annoying. He knows I don't like it when we all split up like this!"

"It's okay." Amora reached out and squeezed her best friend's arm as comfortingly as she possibly could. "We're safe here."

"I just don't like it," Pansy said again, and then her eyes widened. "Theo! Over here, you idiot!"

Amora could hear the numerous apologies Theo was muttering to the people he weaved in and out of to get to Amora and Pansy. According to Leon, Muggles used the weekends to go shopping— the three Purebloods wished they had known this before they had set out to the tourist area of London on a Saturday at midday.

"I told you not to just walk off," Pansy snapped at him and shoved his arm. She cut off his apologies. "I really don't care what bookshop you decided to have a wank over this time. Let's just go back to the house. It's too busy for me."

"I just wanted to go to the Muggle—"

"No!" Pansy growled, "You lost your privilege of roaming freely when you wandered off."

Amora's eyes widened and Theo glared down at her. "Okay, mother," he snapped.

The brunette woman pursed her lips. "How about we find a quiet alley way and Apparate to headquarters?"

"Yes please," Pansy said quickly, and was marching ahead.

Theo huffed. "Who pissed in her CheeriOwls this morning?"

Amora sighed, struggling to keep up with Pansy's long strides, her eyes trained on her as to not lose the dark-haired woman amongst the Muggle crowds.

"She was just worried about you," Amora told him as gently as she could, though all she wanted to do was march up to Pansy and grab her best friend into a tight hug. "I think Pansy doesn't like the crowds. I think it makes her really anxious."

Theo was stunned for a moment, though he did not stop walking. He remained silent, but Amora could see the cogs turning. How could Pansy Parkinson be anxious over something so seemingly normal? She could see his furrowed brows, could tell how awful he was feeling.

Pansy found an alleyway filled with industrial bins and a couple parked cars. A huge rat ran straight past her feet, causing her to squeal. Theo grabbed her before she could crash into him.

"Pans, I'm sorry," Theo said immediately, "I didn't mean to scare you."

"I wasn't scared," Pansy huffed, "It's just annoying and inconsiderate."

"That's Theo for you," Amora snickered, ignoring the man's glare.

"Then I apologise for being irritating and inconsiderate, Pansy," Theo said begrudgingly.

Pansy rolled her eyes and nudged him with her elbow. "Whatever." That was Pansy's way of forgiving him. "Let's just get out of here."

Theo grabbed both their hands, and they Apparated away from Muggle London. Lavender took their names and the secret codeword of the day, and they wandered inside of Headquarters. A rowdy game of Wizarding Chess was happening in the corner of the common room. Amora stuffed her mouth with a couple of Jelly Babies, dusting some of its fallen powered sugar from the black jumper she wore.

"Buckley." Moody's voice only ever seemed to ignite anxiety in Amora's chest. When he boomed your surname across a room, it hardly ever meant anything comforting. "See me in my office, please."

Pansy looked at her worriedly. "If they send you on a mission or something, let me know before you go."

"I will." Amora squeezed her hand, forced her paperbag of sweets into Theo's, and took off in the direction of the Order's designated leader.

Stepping into his office, the usual smell of spearmint was hostile and cold. Leon said it was the same sort of smell as his Muggle dentist— and he said lots of people hated them. Not only that, but the temperature was always so low, the lights too bright, and Moody's frown too prominent.

Amora sat in the chair and mentally prepared herself for the worst. He closed the door behind her. Lupin was nowhere to be seen which was worrying considering the balance he often provided against Moody's stormy tones and ruthless language. She pursed her lips, watching carefully as the man lowered himself into the chair opposite her.

"Has something happened?" She asked.

"Our interrogators have been questioning the Death Eater Holloway and yourself captured yesterday evening," Moody told her, "Name is Walden Macnair. Fought in the first Wizarding War, too. Was an Executioner for the Ministry of Magic. He's given us some answers about what happened to Severus Snape."

Amora furrowed her eyebrows. "I assumed they found out he was a Double Agent."

"You thought correctly," Moody said, "Somebody was suspicious. He was being investigated, supposedly they caught him leaving Phoenix Headquarters last month. Extracted his memories, found nothing considering what a skilled Legillimens he was, but supposedly Lucius Malfoy was particularly insistent on Snape aiding the Order. He hired private investigators. The Dark Lord saw to Snape's murder himself."

Amora swallowed thickly. "Shit."

"Shit indeed," Moody replied.

"Did you manage to get any more information out of Macnair?" She asked, "Anything about future missions or plans that they have—"

"I know that a private election has been happening amongst the Dark Lord's ranks. It seems the Dark Lord believes Thicknesse is no longer making the cut and they have elected a new Minister of Magic who will be announced by the end of the week."

Amora pursed her lips. "Do you know who?"

"Lucius Malfoy," Moody answered, and watched the way Amora's face scrunched up, her hands visibly clenching on top of her lap. "He had some powerful proposals, supposedly. Starting with Oathkeepers. A fancy name for spies among the ranks and in Wizarding society— gifted more benefits from the Dark Lord directly in return of spying on not only ordinary witches and wizards, but other Death Eaters, and reporting back suspicious activity."

Amora felt her heart drop. Her tongue darted out to wet her lips. "That's... That's not good. That will make it ten times harder to find a new Double Agent."

"We've been thinking that perhaps, rather than finding a Death Eater who may want to defect, it may be easier or smarter to send in an Order member. Somebody who may have a reason to want to join the Dark Lord's side."

Amora furrowed her brows and then went silent for a few moments. Her heartbeat was quicker than usual. She eyed Moody suspiciously.

"Why are you telling me this? Are you thinking of sending one of my friends?" Did he want her to butter up Theo, Blaise, or Pansy and persuade them to face their very own families?

"Not one of your friends." Moody shook his head.

The silence that followed told Amora everything she needed to know.

"Me." Not quite scared, nowhere near excited, either. Deflated, maybe. Then, in a whisper, "But why me?"

 Moody sent her a knowing look. One that told her she was stupid for even asking. She knew she was too. She knew exactly why it was her. 

"Because there is one Death Eater very high up in the the Dark Lord's ranks, Buckley— one that would never trust the Order, but might very well trust you." 

...

hello hello hello!!! i hope everybody has enjoyed the very first chapter of lost it to trying! i am really pleased with it and i am so excited to start writing the rest of it! 

 thank you so so much for reading!

 dyiansobrien

wc: 4.3k