#LIT28

Losing a loved one is arguably the hardest thing most people will go through. The loss of someone special close to you, be that a friend, partner or a family member is devastating.

And the grief we feel all too real. When tragedy like that hits us then we try to find ways to feel better. Maybe seeking understanding or closure regarding that loss, or an attempt to seek out others who share our pain.

In mid October of 2020, a loved one of mine has passed away.

I never would have imagines that this tragedy, this loss will brought me so much agony. It's still feels surreal. A part of me still couldn't accept it. Apart from me, my fellow-loved one's are still grieving. Losing someone is my greatest fear. But knowing that they are in God's hands now make me feel better.

"Condolence po tita," sabi ko

She looked at me with sad and lonely eyes. Pinunasan niya ang luha niya ng panyo. "S-salamat hija."

"Condolence din po tito," I said to her husband

He only gave me a small smile before returning his gaze on the ground.

There was a long moment of silence. Lahat kami ay nakatingin lang sa puntod niya. My parents are beside me. My mother shared her umbrella to me.

"Paki-hawak," sabi niya

I nodded and held the umbrella. It was a bright sunny afternoon. Everyone has their own umbrellas. My parents went to my other relatives and comforted them, sharing condolences. Pinanood ko lamang sila sa malayo.

I stared at my white converse that's now covered in dirt. Binalik ko ang tingin sa puntod ni lola. Umihip ang malakas na hangin. I placed the strands of my hair behind my ear.

My grandmother just passed away last week. None of expected this to happen. She's sick—mahina ang puso niya. But we thought her condition got better, turns out, she died because of heat stroke.

I don't know what to feel. I already cried a few hours ago when I watch her coffin slowly get burry on the ground. My heart sank. My mind still can't process everything. I feel detached from my body, from reality.

Tulala lang ako habang nakatingin sa puntod niya.

She may be gone from our sight, but never from our hearts.

"Halika na Sadie," biglang sumulpot si mama sa likod ko

She squeezed my arm and took the umbrella from me. I looked at my grandmother one last time before we both walk away from the funeral. Lahat din ng mga kamag-anak ko ay nagsisi-uwian nadin.

I saw my father waiting for us at the car. Mom opened the door for me. Pumasok na ako sa loob. She too, went inside. We're now on our way home. I looked outside of the window and saw the trees aligned, leaves falling from the branches to the window. My eyes felt heavy, and so I sleep the pain away.

"Hey beautiful humans. It's Sadie. Sorry for being MIA. I've been dealing with so much lately and I felt I needed a break. It's been a month since I last uploaded an episode of my podcast. I've received messages asking me if I was okay. I appreciate your concerns. I'm sorry if I couldn't reply to all of you. I just feel drained at the moment. I just lost a loved one. I'm still grieving," I paused, trying to gather my thoughts

I didn't rehearse or think about what I was going to say before I start recording. I just felt like I needed to let everything out, without holding back, without the fear of being weak. I don't want to sound fake. I acknowledge my own weakness. I'm not trying to hide it.

"I know I'm not the only person who's been through this. It's normal for human beings to feel the sense of loss. The feeling of losing someone important in your life. I saw a quote on the internet that says; Grief, I've learned, is real love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot give. The more you loved someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes and in that part of your chest that gets empty and hollow feeling. The happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent. Grief is just love with no place to go," I said as I read the text on my phone

"I got the reference from The Artidote. You might want to check them out. It is a space where to story-tell, empathize, bond and heal through art. Founded by Jova Ferreyra."

"'Healing is feeling. And there's no greater human technology that packs more feeling—and makes the transfer of it possible—than art. Whether this transfer happens through our eyes such as painting, photography, sculpture. Our ears such as music and sound. Our bodies such as dance. Our thought lie writing—poetries and prose. Or a combination of our senses, Art has the power to enter and revolutionize something within us.'"

"Welcome to another episode of my podcast. And I'd like to name this episode. 'Lost in Transition: Getting Back on Track.'"

I took a deep breath and adjusted my headphones. My throat aches and my voice sounds hoarse due to the amount of tears I've shed this past few days. At first, I didn't plan to record a new episode today since I'm not in my best state—mentally and emotionally. But if I were to express my emotions by being vulnerably honest, that would make me feel better. And this episode, in particular, would be much more raw and realistic.

"Based on the title of today's episode. We are going to talk about 'Loss', 'Lost,' 'Lose.' Three words that almost have similar sounds but have very different meanings from each other. Let's break it down one by one."

"What is Loss? Loss is a noun. It is the fact or process of losing something or someone. Lose, on the other hand, is a verb that means to be deprived of or cease to have or retain. Lost is the past and past participle verb of lose but in adjective form, the meaning of Lost is being unable to find one's way; not knowing one's whereabouts. Now, it might be confusing at first but if you read between the lines, they all have different meanings. It's fascinating how words can be similar in spellings but can be different just by an inch. I find those three words—Loss, Lose, and Lost, describes what I'm feeling for the past few days."

"The feeling of loss because I have lost a loved one. Lose because I feel that I keep on failing no matter how hard I try. Rejection after rejection after rejection. And lastly, I feel Lost. A lost kid, trying to find her purpose, finding a way back home. It's like having an identity crisis."

"Growing up, I always knew what I wanted and what I wanted to pursue. I was a bubbly kid. I've always been optimistic, determined, passionate, and a happy-go-lucky girl. I merely focus on my future because I'm more in the present but I told myself that I can overcome anything whatever life throws at me. According to Philippians 4:13 says; I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

"I had my hopes up. I always remind myself that soon, I'll have my own happy ending just like the movies and tv shows I watch growing up. Sounds too ridiculous of me. Siguro masyado akong naging kampante. Hindi ako naging praktikal. Turns out I can't be like Hannah Montana. I can't have the best of both worlds."

"Loss does not necessarily mean about death, about losing a loved one. It can also be a person. Loss of a person can be someone you have lost from the past that was once a big part of your life—a lost relationship or friendship for example. It can be death by loved one, a friend, a relative."

"Loss of a thing can be for example, if you are someone who's very materialistic and you lost something that holds a sentimantal value to you. When you lose something you know you can't replace. Or maybe an expensive item that cost millions of dollars that you've worked hard for to buy."

"Loss of a feeling. Now this type of feeling is the worst because it tackles the emotional and mental state of a person. It's probably the hardest to endure. Lately, I've been feeling anxious, worried, unmotivated, uninspired, and the feeling of losing my passion, my drive, my happiness."

"And due to my life's many transitions, I found myself lost in it. Now, if you also feel the same, don't worry, you are not alone in this," I said wholeheartedly

"How do I get back on track? So I wrote some things here in my notebook and I'm going to read it out to all of you. The first thing is to take a break and rest. Breathe. Stay out of social media and negativity. I meditate with my Bible. I exercise. I journal. I paint since Art is my form of expression. I love watching Bob Ross videos of him painting. It relaxes me so much. I also bought a vinyl player and a bunch of vinyls so I listen to classical and jazz music to calm my mind. I don't why it just gives me peace of mind. I also remind myself that there are things that beyond my control. A gentle reminder that we are all human beings, we deserve to take a break every once in a while. Lastly, probably the most effective way to reduce our negative emotions is to talk to someone. Seek for help."

"But for some of you who's afraid to open up, another tip is called brain dump. It is a simple technique to help you declutter your mind and thoughts. It simply means to write down all your feelings doesn't matter what it is. Just write it down in a piece of paper or on your phone. I usually write in my journal but it's up to you."

Brain dump is really an effective way of coping. It's a form of coping mechanism. Brain dumping also helps you organize your time and efforts. Meaning you usually are much more productive and calmer too.

"There are a lot negativities and tragedy that come along in our life and sometimes we tend to get overwhelmed to the point that our brain couldn't process anymore information, so it burns out. It's really important for us to take care of our mental health. Self-care is one of the most undervalued aspects of life, especially for women. We seem to feel guilty for taking some time to look after ourselves, even though we often spend so much time looking for others. Mental health as part of self-care is often overlooked," I paused when I realize an hour and a half has already passed. I can't believe I'm talking too much. I have to wrap things up now.

"And that is all for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening. See you all again next time!" after saying my closing statement, I ended the recording and removed my headphones

I can feel the sweat forming in my head and my ears. My butt hurts for sitting for a long time. Napansin kong hindi pa pala ako nagbibihis. I'm still wearing my black dress when we visited my grandmother's funeral. I smelled myself and I already stink. Good thing my listeners can't smell me. I stood up but my legs turned numb. I slowly walked my way to the bathroom to take a bath.

So much for podcast. I guess I've missed it so much that's why today's episode took way longer than I expected.

"Condolence pala Sadie," Minnie said with a sympathetic expression

I gave her a small smile. "Thanks."

"I'm sorry for your loss. My deepest condolence," sabi naman ni Benjie

Tumingin ako sa kanya. "Salamat."

"How are you feeling?" they asked

I drank from my frappe. Andito kami sa labas ng coffee project, nagpapahangin. "Okay lang ako," I replied and put my drink back on the table

Nagkatinginan silang dalawa at tipid na ngumiti.

"Kamusta pala si Irene? Kamusta yung chemo niya?" I asked

Minnie's face lit up. "By God's grace, her chemo was successful."

I sighed in relief. "Really? Oh, thank God."

Benjie nodded. "Yeah. Gusto na namin sana 'yan ibalita sa'yo last week kaso nga biglang namatay yung lola mo," humina ang boses niya

My eyes lowered down on my drink. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa.

"Irene is currently resting in the hospital. She'll be discharged soon," Minnie said

I smiled weakly. "That's good to hear. Sana lang magtuloy tuloy na ang recovery niya."

I feel guilty because I haven't visited her for days. Sunod-sunod din ang problema na dumating sa buhay ko. I wish I could stop time for a minute to breathe.

"She's regaining her strength day by day. I'm sure she'll get back to normal and be with us again," Benjie said

"Sana nga..."

Irene is a strong person. She's a fighter. She can get through this.

"Saan pala work mo Sadie?" Minnie asked

"Ah ako?" I smiled, a genuine one. "Natanggap na ako sa trabaho. I've received a call the other day from the company I applied, they told me I'm hired."

"Wow, congrats!"

"Thank you."

"Ay natanggap ka na girl? Sa wakas!" Benjie proudly said

I chuckled. "Yup!"

On the bright side, at least I have a job now. I'm starting to regain my confidence and motivation again. Sana lang mag-tuloy tuloy.

"How about you Minnie?" I asked

She crossed her legs and placed her elbows on the table. "Well, I'm working at a restaurant as an assistant chef."

My eyes widened in surprise. "Really? Good for you. Soon, you'll have your own restaurant too."

She smiled. "Thanks. I hope so too," she suddenly yawned

She looks sleep deprived. I can see the eyebags under her eyes. She tried to cover it with make-up but I can still see some of it. Lagi lamang nasa tabi ni Irene si Minnie, binabantayan. Hindi ko alam kung nakakatulog o nakakain ba siya ng maayos. She never once left Irene's side, kahit na may trabaho na siya. Nagkaroon nalang siya ng oras nung natapos ang theraphy ni Irene. Hanga ako sa tibay ng relasiyon nila. I'm glad that I was able to witness their relationship grow and matured. They are the definition of true love.

"Tired?" Benjie asked

Minnie who's half asleep already. Her chin is placed on the palm of her hand and her elbow for support. Her face slipped from her hand but I was quick to catch her before she hit herself on the table. Nakapatong ang baba niya sa kamay ko.

Bigla siyang nagising. "Sorry," she murmured and straightened her back

"Mukhang pagod na pagod ka. I think you should rest," I said

"Hmm? Di naman. Napuyat lang ako kasi," she paused and yawned again. "Syempre binabantayan ko jowa ko tsaka may trabaho pa ko."

"Kaya nga pahinga ka na. Huwag mong biglain ang katawan mo. Alagaan mo din sarili mo."

"Yeah. Tara na din. Malapit na magdilim. Traffic pa naman ngayon tsaka may mga trabaho pa tayo bukas," si Benjie sabay ligpit ng gamit

I nodded.

"Hatid ko na kayo guys," sabi ni Minnie sabay tayo

I held her arm to support her. She must be dizzy right now.

"Sige pero ako mag-drive. Where's your keys?" Benjie asked

Kinuha ni Minnie ang susi sa bag niya at binigay kay Benjie.

Andito na kami ngayon sa kotse at nagmamaneho si Benjie. Minnie and I are at the back seat.

"Saan kayo madam?" Benjie joked and acted like a taxi driver

Tumawa nalang ako. Minnie is already sleeping beside me, her head on my shoulder. Madilim nadin sa labas, nakakasilaw ang mga ilaw ng kotse pero maganda ang view kapag gabi.

"Bakit kasi 'di ka dito sa tabi ko Sadie?" Benjie whisphered

"Malamang kasi natutulog si Minnie," bulong ko din

"Pwede naman siyang matulog na nakahiga diyan. Mas magiging komportable pa nga siya eh. Mukha tuloy akong grab driver niyo."

I covered my mouth and laughed silently. Tumingin ako kay Minnie na mahimbing na natutulog. I stared at the window instead, and admired the city lights outside.

I heard Benjie turned on the radio but kept the volume low. A familiar song started to play.

Alone in September
Bid our goodbyes in December
I still remember it all

Surrendered my heart, but you broke it and left me to pieces so can I do? I then wrote this song about you, thinking of you, honest and true.

Then I saw you fucking with some other guy on the apartment that we used to stay. Tonight. I cried. I felt like I died inside. Can't remember why. Oh.

This voice. I knew this voice! And this song!

"Hey. Parang familiar yung boses nitong lalaki na kumakanta. Makalag-lag panty!" Benjie exclaimed

"Shh," I hissed at him. "I know. It's Haru. This is his song."

His jaw dropped. "I knew it!"

Minnie groaned and moved a bit. Agad kong inayos ang ulo niya sa balikat ko. My shoulder feels numb but I didn't mind. Ang atensiyon ko ngayon ay sa kanta.

Baby come back to me, just come back to me
I promise I'm a better person
A  better reason for you to stay with me. Just come back to me
I'll surrender to my knees
Just come back to me
Don't let me bleed
Just come back to me
I will love you eternally

My heart began to pound inside my chest. I feel so lost in his voice, his sweet angelic voice that I haven't heard in a long time. I miss Haru more.

"What's the title of this song?" Benjie asked and raised the volume a bit

"Scars," I replied

"Ang ganda ah. Infairness kay Haru."

I smiled. "He is a talented person," I bragged

Benjie hummed on the song while tapping her fingers on the wheel. Kahit na hindi niya kabisado ang lyrics ay patuloy padin siya sa pagkanta.

These scars won't heal, without you here. So baby please come back to me...

The instrumental part jumped in. Pumikit ako at dinama ang kanta.

"Ang sakit sa heart nitong kanta. Parang sinulat niya ito sa ex niya na iniwan siya."

I opened my eyes. "How did you know?"

"Syempre, halata naman sa lyrics."

I chuckled. "Yeah, it's for his ex. Siya mismo ang nagsabi sa'kin."

"Nagkaka-usap pa ba kayo kahit na super famous na siya?"

"Oo bakit?" pagmamayabang ko

He looked at me with suspicious eyes. Halatang duda siya sa sinabi ko. "Talaga? For sure marami siyang fan girls. Sigurado akong may girlfriend nadin siya," his lips curved into a sly smile

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "So what if there is? Ang mahalaga ay natupad niya ang pangarap niya. I'm happy for him. I'm proud of his success. This song is a masterpiece."

Tumango-tango siya. "Well, this is the perfect song for a night drive."

Indeed.

I looked outside the window again. A wave of memories of Haru and I flashed inside my head. I remember those days where I'm always at his RV listening to him sing with his guitar and piano. I watched him make music in his tiny studio. Our song covers, our duets, our deep conversations, our trip to the record shop. And even the day when we first met. The nostalgic feeling is kicking in.

Kahit na hindi tungkol sa'kin ang kantang ito ay pakiramdam ko sobrang swerte ko dahil ako ang unang tao na kinantahan ni Haru ng kantang ito. I was his first audience. I was one of the few people who first heard this song before it reached millions. I'm bursting with pride right now. Gusto ko siyang ipagmayabang sa lahat. He deserves the world.

I'm proud to be one of the few people who's already a fan even before he became famous. I'm happy because I'm one of those few people who supported him when no one else did.

Even if there's a lot of people who bashed and doubted him at the beginning, I believe that some day, Haru will go even higher and proved everyone wrong.

God, why am I starting to get emotional?

I pressed my lips to surpress my tears. My vision are blurry. I took a deep breath to calm myself down.

I just feel so proud of Haru. Ang layo na ng narating niya. Hearing his song on the radio made me feel emotional. It brought back so many memories. Ang dami niyang pagsubok na pinagdaanan bago makarating sa tuktok.

I knew he's going to be a star one day. And now, I'm beyond happy that his dream finally came true. I couldn't be more proud.

"Is he on tour? I mean, kung sakali, gusto kong pumunta sa concert niya," Benjie said

"Uh, hindi din ako sigurado eh."

"Tanong mo."

"Malalaman din natin soon. Updated naman ako kaya..." I smiled proudly

"Apply nalang kaya ako bilang manager niya? O kaya body guard? Tingin mo?"

I chuckled by how his serious his face right now. "Sige. Puntahan mo siya sa New York. Mag-apply ka," I said sarcastically

"Sagot niya flight ticket ko."

"Kapal. Ikaw ang may gusto, hindi siya," I corrected him

He rolled his eyes in response. "Basta kapag may concert siya dito sa Manila, punta tayo."

"Of course!"

"Tapos libre tayo ng VIP tickets tapos sa front row tayo plus may back stage pass pa," ngiti niyang sabi na may halong pananabik

Napailing nalang ako at tumingin ulit sa labas ng bintana.

Soon, I'll get to watch him perform live. I miss him playing songs for me, just us in his tiny RV.

***

The next day, I'm working on the project that was assigned to me by my boss. I'm working as a graphic designer for the company. I'm almost finished with it and now ready for submission.

I startled when someone placed a folder on my desk. I lifted my eyes and saw the head of the marketing team. Agad akong tumayo at binati siya.

"Ms. Olivia! Good morning po," I bowed my head a little

"Goodmorning. Mr. Rodriguez has another task for you. Basahin mo nalang diyan sa folder," utos niya

I nodded. "Okay po."

Hindi padin siya umaalis sa harapan ko. I fixed my black pencil skirt and checked if my buttons are buttoned. Tumingin ako sa kanya at nakita ko siyang nakatingin sa designs na ginagawa ko sa laptop.

I smiled and gave her space. "Ma'am. Gusto niyo po bang makita ang designs ko?"

Her expression remained blank. She fixed her glasses and shook her head. "Keep up the good work," iyon na ang huli niyang sabi bago naglakad palayo

"Yes ma'am!" I watch her as she turned to the hallway

I sighed in relief. I thought I got in trouble. Hinawakan ko ang dibdib ko at naramdaman ko ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko.

Umupo ulit ako sa office ko at bumalik sa trabaho. An hour has passed and I'm finally done with my task. I stretched my arms and my back. I heard a bone cracked. I stood up and went to the office to submit ng work.

"Miss Nuevo!"

Napalingon ako sa tumawag sa'kin. One of the crews is approaching me.

"Yes po?"

"Can you do me a favor?"

My lips parted. "Po? Ano po iyon?"

Tumingin siya sa likod sabay turo doon. I also looked at the set behind him. They are currently filming an ad campaign for the company. There's a lot of people. Cameraman, director, staff, make-up artist and the list goes on.

"Pwede bang pumalit ka muna sa'kin sandali. Kailangan ko lang sagutin itong tawag. Importante kasi. Walang magbabantay dun sa camera," he said

Napakurap-kurap ako. "Po?"

His phone rang again. Sabay kaning tumingin doon.

"Oo. Mabilis lang ako. Kailangan ko lang talagang sagutin ito," he panicked. His eyes didn't leave his phone

Wala na akong nagawa kundi pumayag. "S-sige po pero ano po bang gagawin ko?"

"All you have to do is stand behind the camera. Malapit na silang mag-roll. One take lang kasi."

"So I'm the one who'll in charge of the video?" I said pointing at myself

"Oo. Huwag kang mag-alala. Meron namang—" he paused when his phone rang again

Wala na siyang nagawa kundi sagutin iyon. I was about to protest but it's too late. He already left me.

I swallowed hard and stared at the set. Unti-unti akong naglakad palapit doon. My heart is beating wildly inside my chest now that I'm getting nearer.

I feel so nervous right now. Out of all people why me? Hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang gagawin ko.

One of the staff approached me. She's wearing a microphone around her neck. "Excuse me but have you seen Erick? Yung cameraman? Nakita ko kasi na kausap ka niya kanina."

I nodded. "Opo. Uh, ano po kasi. May tumawag sa kanya. Importante daw. Kailangan niyang sagutin. Inutusan niya ako na mag-bantay sa camera."

Her lips parted. "Oh, okay. I see."

She guided me towards the camera. Nakita kong kanina pa nakaupo ang babae na siyang commercial model para sa campaign. The make-up artist kept on retouching her make-up and fixing her hair.

"Okay. Rolling in one minute. Places everyone," the lady beside me said

Umalis na ang make-up artist sa set. Natira nalang ang babae. She took a deep breath and faced at the camera. She's wearing a blue dress and her long brown hair is curled. Her background is plain white. There's a table beside her with a bunch of products.

The lady guided me to the camera. It was a huge video camera that's used to shoot movies, commercials, and cinema. It's a camera used by professionals. It is placed in a tripod. Thank God I don't have to carry it or else I'll surely break it.

Hindi ko alam pero kinakabahan padin ako. It's my first time working behind the camera. I remembered my internship. Before, I used to watch the directors and cameraman doing their job but I never thought that one day, I'll be in the position to do their job too. I was curious. I wondered what it's like to work behind the camera. I feel nervous and excited at the same time.

The lady whispehered to me to yell the magic words. I totally understood what she meant. All of the things I've learned in college and in my internship, I applied it today. I'm not really an expert in managing the camera but I know the basics.

I held the camera and adjusted it a bit to match my height. I also made sure the the woman in front of me match the frame. Sinugurado ko na kita siya sa camera.

I took a deep breath and concentrated. "In three, two, one..Action!"

After hearing those words come out of my mouth, it felt good. The way the words slid smoothly out of my tongue felt as if I'm already used to it. It felt natural.

The woman smiled brightly to the camera and began to speak lines that she's been practicing a while ago.

Even if I feel giddy on the inside, I tried my best to focus on my job.

A small smile rose from my lips. This feels great. It wasn't long until I got the hang of it.

It did satisfy my curiosity and the passion inside me sparked once again.