#LIT27

"I love your designs Ms. Nuevo but unfortunately, this isn't what we are looking for. It does not fit the concept of our company. I hope you understand," the headmanager said

I smiled weakly and nodded. "Yes sir."

He closed my portfolio and gave it back to me. I took it from the table and stood up. Tumungo ako ng konti at nag-paalam na.

"Thank you sir."

Pagkalabas ko ng company ay tinignan ko ulit ang mga designs ko. Nakita kong may padaan na taxi. I waved my hand and it stopped in front of me. Dali-dali kong binalik ang portfolio ko sa bag at pumasok sa loob.

I sighed heavily and stared outside the window.

I've been applying for jobs eversince my internship ended but to no avail. I've been sending my designs, artworks with my resume hoping that they'll accept me. May experience naman ako. Bakit hindi ako tanggapin?

"Tapos na internship mo?" tanong ni Benjie

We're here at a restaurant in BGC, having lunch.

"Oo. Tagal na girl," I replied and sipped on my mango shake

"Oh? Saan ka na nagwowork?"

"Naghahanap pa."

He slowly nodded and took a bite on his pizza.

It's been a long time since we last hang out. Ang tagal nadin naming hindi nagkikita. We're both busy now since we're already adults.

I noticed a of changes in him. He became more buff. He's wearing a loose white shirt with a Madonna print. His arms muscles bulge every time he moves.

"Woah Benjie! You're getting-"

"I know. I know," he chuckled. "I've been working out. Kita mo naman sa IG stories ko 'di ba?"

"Yeah. I'm quite insecure because of your healthy lifestyle."

"I'm still in the process tho. Trying hard to be healthy and fit. Kala mo naman talaga," he smiled and ate the last slice of pizza

I watch him as he eat. Tumingin siya sa'kin. "Wait. Gusto mo ba?" sabi niya at tinapat sa'kin ang pizza na may kagat niya

"No thanks. Nakagatan mo na e," sagot ko

"Arte."

"Laway conscious ka nga e," I argued

He rolled his eyes and continued to ate it.

"Grabe, naalala ko sobrang payat mo dati nung college. Look at you now, model like figure," I complimented

His face turned sour. "Oh God please don't tell me about my teenager days," he raised his finger on me. "Especially in highschool. Sobrang payat ko talaga. I was a skinny bitch back then but now, I can be anyone's daddy," he raised his brow

I laughed and rolled my eyes.

He flexed his arm muscles and strike a pose to me. "Ano? Pwede na bang model ng Calvin Klein?"

"You wish!" I teased

His face turned into a deep scowl. Inirapan niya ako at uminom sa watermelon shake niya.

"Nag-paperm ka din pala?"

I noticed that his black hair is curly and shiny. It got longer too.

"My God girl. Ngayon mo lang napansin? Kanina pa tayo magka-usap."

I smiled. "Sorry."

He suddenly touched my hair. "Ay kabog. Nag-pakulay ka ulit?" gulat niyang sabi

I know he's just being sarcastic right now.

"Oo. Ngayon mo lang napasin?" I returned his sarcasm

"Ay hindi. Promise. Napaka-tingkad kasi ng pagka-orange ng buhok mo eh. Kaya 'di ko pansin."

"Whatever," I chuckled

I dyed my hair orange the other day. Hindi ko alam na ang bilis mag-fade ng pang-kulay na binili ko. My hair actually looks like pale orange. Benjie is just exaggerating.

"Saan ka pala nagtatrabaho?" I asked

"I'm a freelance photographer. I'm doing photoshoots, ad campaigns, magazines, working with brands and designers gano'n."

"I guess you've already worked with famous celebrities huh?"

He pursed his lips. "Not exactly...but I'm getting there. It's hard to make a name in the industry you know?"

I smiled weakly. "Right."

"Kamusta paghahanap mo?"

My eyes lowered down on my glass that's now half-empty. "Uh...wala pa eh. Hopefully soon, tanggapin."

"Di ba gusto mong work before ay sa art gallery? And your dream is to have your own art exhibit?"

I nodded. "Oo pero mukhang malabo eh, tsaka nag-bago nadin isip ko."

I don't know if my dream will come true any time soon. Yes, I still want to have my own art exhibit but at my current situation right now, I can't see it happening. As I grew older, I have set goals for my future and what do I really want to do in my future. I kinda want to work in the film industry or maybe, a graphic designer. It's still a blurr. I know I have the potential but I don't know where to fit in.

It's okay to change your mind sometimes. I'm not the same person five years ago. My goals changed. My dreams changed. My life changed.

"Sa susunod na araw na pala chemotherapy ni Irene."

I got back to my senses and shifted my gaze to Benjie. Bigla siyang nawala sa mood. His lips formed into a grim line. He stared blankly at his drink while thinking deeply.

I suddenly don't know what to say. "Talaga? Kamusta na siya? I still haven't visited her," I trailed off

"Yeah. I mean, she needs to do it. Ang sabi ng doktor ay ilang buwan nalang din," he paused, unable to finish his sentence

"Bisitahin natin siya ngayon."

Tumingin siya sa'kin. "Tomorrow. She wants us all to meet before she undergo the theraphy."

My lips parted. "Sige."

***

"Anak. Ayaw mo ba mag-abroad? Mas madami kang job opportunities doon. Yayaman ka din," sabi ni mama

"Hindi pa nga ako natatanggap sa mga inapplyan ko na trabaho eh. Tsaka wala pa akong sapat na working experience," sagot ko habang inaayos ang mga bote ng conditioner sa shelf

"Kaya nga kuha ka muna ng experience dito tapos mag-abroad ka na. Maganda sa New Zealand, sa Canada o sa Australia. May kaibigan ako. Yung anak niya nasa Canada. Ang ganda daw ng buhay doon."

Napatigil ako sa ginagawa. "Talaga? Swerte niya ah."

"Ano? Ayaw mo ba makapag-abroad?"

Nilingon ko siya na ngayon ay nagwawalis ng mga buhok sa sahig.

"Gusto."

I've been thinking a lot about my future these days. I just graduated about a year ago. I suddenly down know what to do next. My parents always keep telling me to work abroad. At first, I was against it but now that I thought thoroughly about it. Maybe they're right. Maybe...just maybe I'll have a better future.

"Malabo pa kasi talaga sa ngayon ma eh," dagdag ko

Maybe next year, or two, maybe more. Who knows?

I'm currently creating another piece of artwork. This week has been draining since I've been looking for jobs everywhere. Finally, I have the time now to relax and rest for a while.

I stopped when I realized that my painting is not what I had envisioned. It looks dull and plain. The colors don't blend at all. It looks messy.

I'm painting a scenery. A landscape painting inspired by a famous painter, Vincent Van Gogh himself. I thought of recreating another piece of his works because I'm a huge fan.

I checked my phone again to see the painting that I'm recreating.

The painting is simple yet captivating. The colors blended beautifully. It is a field, with mountains and trees surrounding it. The blue sky and the white clouds looks very realistic. The field of wheats look like they are moving-dancing with the wind in a afternoon breeze.

I looked back at my own and it's way far from the original one. I cringed by the sight of it. I can't believe it looks this worse.

The field looks dead. I think I went too crazy with the dark colors that made it appear as if it's been hit by a tyhpoon. The clouds. It don't look realistic. I tried to blend it more, added a little gray on it but to no avail. The trees look fine. I wasn't able to continue the mountains because I made a mistake. The other one looks way bigger than the other. They weren't blended well. The lighting and shadow is off. I haven't worked on the details yet but I'm already contemplating whether to continue or not.

Well, I still did hoping the outcome would change. I decided to finish it whether it would turn out good or not. I don't care anymore.

Hours passed. My back hurt. My eyes sting. My butt also hurt for sitting on the floor too long. My legs are numb. I can barely move it. My arms are also tired. I stopped for a brief moment and straightened my back. I got shocked when I heard my bones cracked.

I studied my painting once more but unfortunately, it didn't turn out the way I want it to be. It's still the same. Maybe worse.

God, I feel like I just wasted my time.

I stared blankly at my finished painting. I didn't bother to look at yhe original one because it would make me feel even worse. I always feel discourage when my painting does not meet my expectation. I'm not satisfied on this one.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Where did my passion go?

When did my spark fade out?

What is the purpose of my passion?

I sighed and turned my canvas away from me. I don't want to see it anymore.

I have lost all my motivation and strength to finish it. It looks so ugly. It's probably one of my worst paintings.

I laid my body on the floor. I winced in pain when I felt something hard. Kinapa ko ang likod ko at nakita ang isang bote ng white acrylic. I rolled my eyes and threw it on the side.

I stared blankly at my ceiling.

Nawawalan na ako ng gana sa lahat.

Even painting doesn't make me feel happy anymore.

So many transitions happened in my life, and I found myself lost in it.

I started to doubt. I start to question my abilities as an artist. Should I even deserve to call myself that?

A question I find myself pondering on; is my faith being tested or am I being redirected.

I think the hardest part about chasing your dreams is trying to understand if God is giving you signs to stop or is he testing your faith to keep going.

What is for me and what is not for me?

I wish I know.

***

"What are we doing here guys?" Benjie asked

None of us answered right away. We continued to walk in the middle of the aisle of this mini chapel.

"Irene told us to meet all here," Minnie replied as she pushes the wheelchair where Irene is

"Dito talaga sis? Bakit dito?" asked Benjie

"Because I told to," Irene simply replied

"Hindi ko ineexpect na dito mo gusto makipag-kita. I thought we're going somewhere more..." he paused as he roam his eyes around the chapel

"More what?"

"Nothing. Nevermind."

None of us expected to meet here. Irene didn't told us anything about the meeting place. Sabi lang niya ay kakausapin niya kami.

I cleared my throat. "So uh. What now? Are we gonna pray first or?" I asked when we arrived at the center

The chapel was empty. The long chairs on both sides were vacant. There's a cross of Jesus hanging in the center. The interior looks simple. Almost everything was made of wood.

"I brought you guys here because I want to tell you my testimony," Irene began

"A religious testimony?" Benjie asked

"A life testimony."

Nagkatinginan kaming tatlo. Unti-unti siyang tumayo sa wheelchair. Agad siyang inalalayan ni Minnie.

"It's okay love. Kaya ko," kalmado niyang sabi

Minnie hesitated a bit but she later on let her be. Pumwesto si Irene sa tapat ng pulpit. Inalis na ni Minnie ang wheelchair sa gitna at nilagay sa gilid.

I sat on the chair on the left side, third row. Benjie sat on the right side, second row while Minnie sat behind him, about two chairs away on the fourth row. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kami magkakalayo. We just sat wherever we like.

There was a long moment of silence. The ambiance became serious. I suddenly feel awkward. Iginaya ko nalang ang paningin sa paligid.

Irene coughed. Lahat kami ay napatingin sa kanya. She's wearing a patient's gown. I only noticed now that she's actually wearing the rainbow beanie I gave her on pride month. She used it to cover her bald head. My heart ached at the sight.

"First of all, I would like to thank you guys for coming despite your busy life as an adult," she smiled proudly

"We're not that old you know," Benjie chimed in

Irene ignored him. She suddenly took out a piece of paper and slowly unfolded it. "Anyway..." she paused. "God, why do I feel so nervous right now?" she muttered

I smiled. "Take your time."

She took a deep breath to calm herself down. "Okay. Sorry. I'm more nervous right now than my chemotherapy tomorrow so, please excuse my behavior," she chuckled

She couldn't look at us in the eye. Nakatingin lang siya sa papel na hawak niya. I noticed she lost a lot of weight. Her skin was pale. She lost all her hair. Her hands are subtly shaking while holding the paper. Still, she tried her best to compose herself.

"When I was a little girl, I didn't know exactly what I was going to be when I grew up. I consider myself as a butterfly, a lonely one with black and white wings who wanders around curious of the world. When I turned sixteen, I wanted to be a rockstar. That's when my emo phase began. It was cringey. I still have a picture of me posted in my instagram where I had blonde hair with temporary pink highlights, thick eyeliner, black shirt with a rock&roll print, and a bunch of ballers on my hand. Looking back, I did a lot of shitty things that would always get me into trouble. I wasn't proud of it but it was fun!" She smiled as she recalls her childhood

"As I grew older, I got pressured. I was so afraid to come out of my comfort zone. I envy people who have dreams. I thought my dream back then was silly and stupid. I mean, who still listen to rock these days? Unfortunately, it's slowly dying but I'm still living for it."

We all gave her a sweet smile while we listen intently. She became calm and less tensed this time. She looked at the paper again.

"As the little butterfly continues to wander without limits, she finally found her passion. Her own place where she could fit in. For her, writing saved her life. She discovered a new character inside of her. Her imaginations have come to life. It was overwhelming yet exciting. The butterfly couldn't ask for more. If nobody can accept her, then she will. The butterfly was happy creating her own world through her wild imaginations. She doesn't need to depend her happiness on other people. Books have always been my source of happiness and comfort, a temporary escape in this cruel world. Writing one, is different. It brought me to greater heights, an unfamilar and unending world therefore, the butterfly belittled herself.

Due to curiosity and my desire to have a better life, I wandered and let my wings spread. I learned more about myself, what I truly want, and what I'm capable of. Turns out, I'm no ordinary butterfly. I have rainbow wings."

A tear fell from the paper as she read but that didn't make her stop. She held on to it tightly. My heart was slowly breaking into pieces. I looked at my friends who started to get emotional.

"One of my fears back then was to reveal my true self/colors to other people. I was afraid to get judged because of my sexuality. I felt insecure of those butterflies who can spread their wings confidently and effortlessly. I felt like I was the only one who's different. I thought nobody would accept me as me," her voice was shaky. "I got so afraid to reveal my sexuality to other people. I envy people who can live a normal and healthy life. I envy those butterflies who can spread their wings effortlessly. I was so insecure of them. Everyone is the same. I felt like I was the only who's different. I thought nobody wouldn't accept me as me.

"As the butterfly grew older, her wings can now explore into greater heights until she unexpectedly found a fellow butterfly," she paused and looked at BJ. "A butterfly that has the same rainbow wings as her."

Benjie's eyes glistened in tears as he looks at Irene with love and admiration. I shifted my gaze back to Irene.

"And because they almost look the same, they instantly became friends. They became each other's wings protecting one another. They spread their wings with pride even if no one will accept them. As long as they're together, they can break free and fly high." She tried her best not to cry but her tears betrayed her. She looked at BJ again. "Benjie. You know me more than any one else. You know me the best. I know we've been through a lot. I have never told you this before but I want you to know that I'm very grateful for you. Thank you for protecting me. And I'm very sorry for everything. Words are not enough to express what we have gone through for the past years. This message would be too long if I have to start at the beginning when we first met each other but I want to let you know that thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for accepting me at the beginning when no one else did. Thank you for helping me spread my wings with pride," her voice began to tremble so was her shoulders

She sniffed and immediately wiped the tears off her cheeks. She looked at the three of us again then shortly, her eyes landed on mine. "The butterfly thought that no one would accept her aside from her rainbow wing friend but little did she know that a cute, small butterfly with pale orange wings would greet her with a face as warm as the morning sun."

I smiled at her, suppressing my tears. I want to see her clearly and hear what she's about to say.

"Sadie. My little Sadie. What a beautiful name. I never thought I'd meet someone who has a unique and charming personality. You may be small but you have a huge heart. At first, I was afraid to show you my true self so I concealed my rainbow wings but little by little, you made feel comfortable of my own skin that I didn't even realize you've already sought my wings with no judgements. You accepted my flaws and imperfections. Despite my cold personality, you melted my heart and painted it with various colors. Thank you for being our light, our ray of sunshine, our daily dose of serotonin, our happy pill. I hope you never change. Thank you because the butterfly not only has found a friend, but a little sister. I love you."

Kasabay no'n ay ang pagtulo ng luha sa mata ko. I wiped it away with my fingers. "I love you," I mouthed

"As time goes by, the butterfly grew more confident and comfortable with her own wings. She no longer hides herself anymore. She never thought that one day, the butterfly found her lover."

Her attention turned to Minnie who's sitting behind me. I saw sparks in her eyes by the way she's looking at the love of her life.

"She still remembers the first day she saw her. Brown, almond shaped eyes. Long, black, straight hair with bangs, small face, plump lips. She's the most beautiful butterfly she has ever met. She has wings of an angel, light and delicate. She was mesmerized by her beauty the moment she laid her eyes on her but what made her fall in love with her was her sweet soul. She never thought someone as beautiful as her would love and accept her. She's truly an angel sent from above. Her rainbow wings matched perfectly with her white wings as if they're destined for each other for so long."

"I love you." I heard Minnie said. Even if I don't look at her, I know she in tears like I am

"Minnie, my love. You brought colors into my life. Even if we're in a relationship for years now, you still give me butterflies. We may have different wings but love truly has no gender. We are each other's wings. You made me believe in love again. You're one of the biggest plot twist I've ever had. I love you so much, more than a million butterflies."

"I love you more," she said again and this time, I felt Irene heard it

She sniffed and looked at her paper again. ""Lastly, I want to thank a special butterfly who's not here with us today but he'll always be in our hearts." At the beginning of her sentence, I already knew who she was talking about. I felt my heart stopped beating for a moment. "The first time I met him, I instantly became comfortable around him not only because our passion have something in common but also he's such a good guy. He's like my long lost brother. His talent, skills, and the passion he has for his art is unlike any other but above all, he has a heart of gold and I consider myself lucky to meet someone like him. I've learned so much from him not only as an artist but as a person. He's truly inspiring. Recently, we talked through facetime and nothing much has changed about him. He's still a bit shy and has that cool vibe. He doesn't realize how big and colorful his wings are. He's come a long way, has explored, has flown around the world with his angelic voice. He's a rare and special type of butterfly that anyone would want to have."

"Haru.." I couldn't help but to say his name and it pains me. It pains me because I miss him so much. We all do. Just like what Irene said, he's like a big brother to us. He'd always look after us. A part of me felt empty when he was gone. He was my comfort person

Irene folded the paper and looked at us. Her eyes were bloodshot. "I'm very blessed to have you guys. Thank you because you made me feel loved. You have your own unique colors and I became a manifestation to all of them. You inspire me in so many ways and I'll always be a fan of your art. I'm so proud of you," I said. "And I also want to say sorry for my past actions and moments where I hurt you. Nonetheless, you still chose to stay. After so many transitions, you gave me courage to spread my wings high. Now, I feel like I'm floating in the air. One with the clouds and sky."

"Please don't go too high. Huwag kang umabot sa langit." I heard Benjie's soft whimpers. "Stay with us, your four butterflies and millions of flowers."

And because of that, she broke down into tears. Her shoulders were shaking. She tried to hold the paper gently without crumpling it even in the midst of breaking down.

"Irene.." my voice broke

A new batch of tears fell from her eyes. "The truth is...I don't want to die. I'm scared. I'm so scared. I'm trying my best to be strong. I may look strong on the outside but among us, I'm the weakest," I cried. "Fuck cancer. I have so many dreams I want to achieve not only in paper but in reality and above all, I want to be with you guys," her voice broke. She covered her face with the palm of her hands, still crying

We all stood up and walked towards her. We hugged her as careful and gently as possible, afraid to hurt her. Our bodies felt warm as we comfort each other. Irene felt skinny and weak. Her eyes were puffy. Her lips and skin was pale. I almost couldn't recognize her upclose.

And with that, I felt hot tears rolled down my cheeks. Ang hirap huminga ngayon ang bigat bigat ng nararamdaman ko.

I've never seen this side of Irene. She rarely cries. She's not a showy person when it comes to her emotions. She hates being vulnerable. But now, seeing her in tears, I know she's in deep agony.

"The doctor told me that I only have a few months to live-"

"You're not going to die Irene. You're not leaving us. We're here, praying for your recovery. Maraming nagmamahal sa'yo. Please be strong," BJ pleaded, his voice turning weak

Sadie caressed my back. "We're here okay? Hinding hindi ka namin iiwan."

"I love you," Minnie said while holding Irene's hand

"We love you Irene. How dare you made us cry with your long testimony? I wasn't prepared," BJ still had the chance to make the mood lighter

"She isn't called a writer for nothing," Minnie said proudly

Irene smiled weakly. "Out of all the stories I've written, this one made me cry the hardest because it's inspired by you guys. My hearts feels so full right now. I really want to give you guys something as a remembrance if ever I'd leave and..."

"Thank you Irene."

"Masaya ako na nasabi ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa inyo. I love you guys so much."

My heart still feels heavy right now. Masakit pero masarap sa pakiramdam. Lahat ng sinabi niya ay tumagos sa puso ko. What's comforting about it was it's her own story and it's also about us. We are the main characters of her story. The butterflies symbolizes us.

Walang gustong bumitaw sa yakap. Umiiyak pa din kami hanggang ngayon. We're trying our best to remain strong but deep inside we're also scared to lose her. We don't want to lose her. I can't imagine our life without her.

I closed my eyes and pray that God will heal her. "We'll wait for you Irene. This is not goodbye."