note: play the song above for a better reading experience :)

Lose - NIKI

#LIT18

Languishing (adj.)

You know that feeling when you're not sad or depressed? The void between depression and flourishing—the absence of well-being. Apparently, there's a term for that, it's called 'languishing.'

"Hey beautful humans! Welcome back to another ep of The Late Late show with Sadie and today we're going to talk about—underappreciated courses," I began

"So, story time. Again, for some of you who don't know, I am a Fina Arts student and my course is often degraded by some. The society look down on it thinking that I have no future in it. What a toxic mindset isn't it? There are other courses such as journalism, photography, music, art, anything related to art basically. I have friends who are taking up that course. I know someone who wants to purse acting, who wants to be a singer, a musician, a photographer, a writer, a chef, name it. All those elements come to one and I like to call it our 'passion.'"

"In my country, not so many people want to take up that field because they claim na 'walang pera' ang course na iyon...but some are eager and driven to pursue their passion no matter what. It's their burning passion that fuels them to reach their dreams. It's not easy like everyone thinks it is. it's a common misconception. We're also working hard and putting our blood, sweat, and tears in everything that we do."

"Passion vs Practicality. Which to choose? I honestly don't have an answer for it because I'm also in between," I paused. "But I think, for now, people shouldn't look down on others especially their dream. You have no right to make fun of them or to judge them because you never know...you never know that their passion is the only thing that keeps them going."

Today's episode lasted for almost an hour. I wanted to adress this topic because it is needed. Gusto ko ding iparating ang mensahe sa mga estudyante kagaya ko na nagbabalak kunin ang course na nabanggit ko, na huwag silang matakot. Huwag nilang isipin kung ano ang iniisip ng iba. Huwag nilang kumpara ang sarili nila sa iba.

It's funny because people would say that 'do what you love', 'choose what makes you happy', 'listen to your heart' but the thing is that, it's not at easy as it sounds. Sa panahon ngayon kailangan din nating maging practical.

My parents...I don't know if they support me or if they're even happy that I choose this course. Yes, they are happy that I'm blessed with an artistic talent but they only see it as a hobby and not as a 'work asset.' Ibang usapan na iyon. Basically, they want me to be practical than choosing my passion.

Right now, I'm in between. I feel like I have two strings that's pulling me. To passion or practicality?

Bumuntong hininga ako at napahilamos sa mukha. I startled when my phone beeped. Sumandal ako sa upuan ko at kinuha iyon.

There's a message from Haru.

Haru-nissan:

Saw your paintings on IG lol

Agad akong nagtipa ng sasabihin.

Ako:

You stalker

He replied faster than my data connection.

Siya:

And you also sing too? You didn't tell me.

My eyes widened. How did he know that?

I was about to reply but he sent me another message.

Siya:

You were tagged in a video. It's you singing in a bar.

My lips parted. Maybe he saw Benjie or Irene's post. I forgot that they took a video of me and posted it on facebook.

Ako:

Matagal na 'yun. Hindi ko na nga maalala eh.

I opened my laptop and searched his name on youtube. There's a bunch of videos of him singing, mostly cover songs and my goodness! His videos has a lot of views! Famous na pala siya. I clicked one of the videos and listened to it.

Ako:

I'm watching your songs cover right now lol

Nag-scroll down pa ako at nakita din ang isang playlist na naglalaman ng kanta niya mismo na sinulat niya. He also covered songs of NIKI, Ed sheeran, the 1975, Drake, and more. Some, I am not familiar with the artist.

Ako:

Fan ka pala ni NIKI?

Siya:

Yeah, I listen to her.

Ako:

Omg! Ako din. I love her song Lose. I wish I could sing it but it's too high for me :( mababa boses ko.

Nung hindi siya nag-reply ay binalik ko ang atensyon sa laptop at nakinig buong magdamag.

"Guys. May papakilala ako sa inyo," sabi ko sa mga kaibigan

"Ay kilala ko na 'yan. Oo. Alam ko na. Hindi mo na kailangan sabihin," agad na sabi ni Benjie. Proud pa siya dahil alam niya na kung sino ang tinutukoy ko

Irene and Minnie looked clueless. "Who is it?"

"Si ano—"

I groaned. "Sige Benjie ikaw na."

He smirked. "Sige alam ko naman eh. Si ano...ay teka ano nga ba pangalan ulit nun?" umiwas siya ng tingin at napakamot sa ulo

"Tignan mo, hindi mo naman pala kilala."

"Is it a guy?" Irene asked

I nodded.

Naningkit ang mata niya habang nakatingin sa'kin.

"Hoy, mali 'yang iniisip niyo ah. Kaibigan ko lang yun," depensa ko

"Defensive naman," si Minnie

Patuloy nila akong inasar. Inirapan ko sila at sumandal habang nakahalukipkip.

They laughed. "Sorry, sorry. Sino nga?"

I pressed my lips to prevent myself from smiling.

"Luh, bakit kinikilig?" sabi ni Benjie

"Tsk. Natatawa ako sa mukha mo!"

Irene groaned, running out of patience. "Just tell us already."

I cleared my throat. "Si—"

"Yung gwapong lalaki sa bar na bartender!" masayang sabi ni Benjie

I smiled sarcastically and slowly turned my head to face him.

"You're welcome," he winked at me

I sighed in frustration. "His name is Haru."

"Haru? Sounds like a Japanese name," Minnie stated

"Well, he is actually. Half-pinoy at half-japanese."

Her eyes widened. "Really? Cute name."

Irene scoffed. "He's not even that cute."

"Oo nga pala. Hindi mo pa pala siya nakikita," sabi ko kay Minnie

"But wait. Paano kayo naging friends?" Irene asked

"Hmm, I don't know. We just instantly became friends."

"Do your parents ever warned you about strangers? You met him at a bar. Buti sana kung common friends natin, pwede pa."

I blinked twice. "He's not what you think he is. Mabait siyang tao. Friendly din."

Minnie remained silent because she still have no idea about the guy.

"May point din naman si Irene," sabi ni Benjie

I sighed. They are being overprotective of me again especially it's a guy we are talking about. Mas strict pa ata sila sa magulang ko.

"Pero hayaan na natin si Sadie. It's her life anyway. At least she introduced her new friend to us. Besides, Sadie is a social butterfly. She can makes friends easily. Anyone would like to be her friend," Minnie said

"Hindi din tayo ang magulang niya," si Benjie

I smiled. "I just wanted you guys to meet him. Wala namang namamagitan sa'min."

I remember what Haru and I talked about the other day. That he barely have any friends. How he dropped out of school. How he had a hard time socializing to other people. Gusto ko siyang ipakilala sa mga kaibigan ko para maging kaibigan din niya. Since he started to work at a young age, he must have that much experience being a teenager. I just want him to enjoy his youth. He's still young anyway. He deserves to enjoy life and have fun.

"Chika mo pa siya sa'min Sadie para naman mas makilala namin siya," ngiting sabi ni Benjie habang nakahalumbaba sa lamesa

I laughed. Lumapit din sina Irene at Minnie, maski sila ay curious din kay Haru.

Sa tingin ko naman ay magugustuhan siya ng mga kaibigan ko. Well, hopefully.

***

"Para saan ito?" I asked when Haru handed me a microphone

He sat on his little stool and infront of him is his keyboard. I saw him clicked some buttons and pressed the keys.

"You said you wanted to cover Lose by Niki right?" he asked while busy playing the piano

"Oo pero sabi ko nga 'di ba? Hindi ko abot."

"Yeah, that's why I lowered the keys para abot mo na. I lowered it to A and C# minor," he casually said

Napakurap-kurap ako. "Ha?"

He smiled. "Actuall, the song is already low but yeah."

"Pero..." I gulped. "I mean, you didn't have to."

"Why not?" tumingin siya sa'kin habang nakakunot ang noo ko

Umiling ako.

I honestly felt touched by what he did. He's so considerate. Ang swerte ng magiging jowa niya in the future.

"Besides, I want to her you sing."

"Hala, nahiya na ako bigla!"

He laughed. "There's nothing to be embarassed about."

Tumingin ako sa mic na hawak ko. "Kasi naman, hindi ako prepared. Ang tagal ko ng hindi kumakanta."

"Well, then don't miss this chance."

"Paano kung ayaw ko?" hamon ko

He arched his brow.

I gulped. "What will I get in return huh?"

His lips curved. "We can cover a song together. I might also post it on my channel."

Nanlaki ang mata ko. "Omg, deal!"

He looks surprised that I agreed to his proposal. "Okay then, let's get it."

"Skrt!" sabi ko

Biglang kumunot ang noo niya sa sinabi ko. Tumawa ako at agad na lumapit sa tabi niya.

Sino ba namang ayaw makipag-collab kay Haru? I know not many people know him yet but I'm so lucky that I'm one of those few people who's already a fan before gets famous. Alam kong hindi magtatagal ay sisikat din siya.

"Ako ba una mong makaka-collab?" I asked

"Uhh no. I actually have worked some people from the past. I have friends who helped me with my music."

"Oh? Asaan sila?"

"Sadly, they are all in America."

I only nodded in response.

"We're only gonna sing as a duet you know? We're not actually gonna make music unless..." he joked

"Oo nga pero parang collab nadin yun!" sabi ko

Nagkibit balikat nalang siya bago humarap ulit sa keyboard.

"Just tell me when you're ready."

"Hindi pa ako ready kasi 'di ko memorize ang lyrics," sabi ko at kinuha ang phone sa bulsa. I immediately searched the lyrics of the song. "Teka lang, ang bagal ng data."

"I have wifi here—"

"Okay na! Nag-load na. I'm ready!" masaya kong sabi

Ilang sandali ay narinig ko nalang ang pagtugtog ng keyboard.

I will never know if you love me
Or my company, but I don't mind
'Cause I ain't tryna be the one
Been through this a thousand times. I don't need to take your heart. You keep yours, I'll keep mine.

All I really know is when I'm lonely. I hate that I'm lonely and that's why I let you in. And maybe in another life
We fight all day, kiss all night but I don't wanna break your heart. You keep yours, I'll keep mine

I know. We know better, so we'd both better go.

I don't need a reason. To keep on dreamin' That we don't lose, yeah, what's the use? I don't need a reason
To keep on dreamin', oh
That we can win at anything at all
Mm.

I paused when the intrumental part came. I let the piano rule the song. I glanced at Haru who's playing the chords.

Fickle as you are that's exactly why I keep on running back 'cause I'm brittle at the parts where I wish I was strong.

And maybe when you need my help. I like myself when it's over but later in the light, you go. Dark and rogue, and I need closure.

And I know whatever this is ain't love
So I'm goin' I'm gonna let you go, let you go.

I don't need a reason to keep on dreamin' that we don't lose, yeah what's the use? I don't need a reason
To keep on dreamin' that I can win this stupid thing called love. Mm, mm, mm

I slowly opened my eyes when the song ended. Tumingin ako kay Haru at sakto ay tumingin din siya sa'kin.

He smiled at me. "You have a beautiful voice."

I bit my lip. "Yung piano lang nagdala."

He chuckled. "Nah. You sound great. Better than I expected."

"Edi shing."

He sighed and pressed some random keys on the keyboard. Nakita kong medyo lumungkot ang mukha niya.

I sat on the small couch in front of him. "What's wrong?"

He licked his bottom lip. "It's nothing I," he paused. "I just remember someone from the past."

Seems like he was moved by the song. I can't blame him tho. This song brought me to tears when I first listened to it. I relate to this song on a personal level. It's deep. Naalala ko din yung past ko.

"Alone in September. Bid our goodbyes in December. I still remember it all. Surrendered my heart but you broke it and left me to pieces so what can I do? I then wrote this song about you, thinking of you, honest and true," he sang

"Then I saw you fucking with some other guy. I cried. I felt like I died inside. Can't remember why," he continued while playing the piano

"Baby come back to me, just come back to me. I promise I'm a better person. Just come back to me. I'll surrender to my knees. Just come back to me. Let our hearts speak. Just come back to me. Don't let me bleed. Just come back to me. I will love you eternally," he paused and continued to play the piano

"These scars won't heal, without you here. Baby, Just come back to me."

Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya habang kumakanta siya. I didn't even notice that the song has already ended. He looked at me and smiled weakly.

I took a deep breath. "That was beautiful."

The lyrics is straightforward and direct. It's a song about love. About a broken relationship. About a man who's broken.

"Thank you."

"What's the title?"

"Scars," he said. "One of my songs."

I knew it. I saw it on one of his videos on youtube.

"So uh, you had a past too huh?"

He chuckled. "Yup."

Hindi na ako nagtanong pa dahil masyado na iyong private. Naaalala ko yung babae sa picture frame.

"Our relationship was toxic that's why we ended it. Well, she ended it. I tried my best to save us but she...gave up," he said

"I'm sorry..."

Nagawa padin niyang ngumiti kahit na kita ko sa mata niya na apektado at nasasaktan padin siya. Naramdaman ko iyon sa nung kumanta siya kanina. I can feel the longing and pain in his voice. Pati ako ay nasaktan.

"It's fine. I'm...I'm over it," kalmado niyang sabi

"Ayos lang kung sa tingin mo ay masakit pa din para sa'yo. Alam ko ang pakiramdam. I just want you know that you're feelings are valid."

Tumayo ako mula sa kama at lumapit sa kanya. He's sitting on a stool. I smiled and patted his head. "Yoshi yoshi ne."

Nakatingin lang siya sa'kin habang ginagawa ko iyon. I felt awkward by his gaze so I stopped.

I cleared my throat. "Anyway, I just want to praise you again. Hindi ata ako magsasawang puriin ka."

I don't like seeing him sad. I want to cheer him up the best way possible.

"I feel like you're just messing with me," he said

"Luh, hindi ah. Ayaw mo nun, pinupuri ka."

"I'm just so bad at receiving compliments," he chuckled and looked away, embarassed

"Why? Shy ka?" I teased

Napailing nalang siya habang nakatakip ang kamay sa mukha.

"I don't even think that my voice is great."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Bakit naman?"

"My voice is actually not that deep compared to a guy's voice. It actually sounds more like feminine. It's so weird. Oh, God. Why am I even telling you this?" he said and looked away

"Ha? Talaga? Parang hindi ko naman nahalata. I mean, for me, you have your own sound. You're unique," I stated as a matter of fact

"Seriously?"

I chuckled. "Oo nga. Para sa'kin ah."

"Yeah, right."

"Kasi same din tayo. Babae ako pero mababa boses ko. Kaya ko ngang magsalita na parang lalaki eh," sabi ko. "I can be like a voice actor in anime but instead a girl character, a guy instead."

He laughed. "What the fuck?"

"Kasi tignan mo itsura ko. Petite na maliit. I look like a cute anime character you know? Nico nico nii?" I cutely said and acted the hand movement. "But my voice also sounds like those quiet dudes in anime like Levi," I added and mimicked his voice, even his facial expressions

He laughed hard. Nakahawak na siya sa tiyan niya habang tumatawa. "I can't with you. Can you do the nico nico nii again?"

I pouted. "Nico nico nii," I said in a low voice

Hinayaan ko nalang siya na pagtawanan ako. I sighed and sat on the sofa, arms crossed.

"Ano? Tapos ka na?"

"Yeah. Sorry, about that," he said, trying his best to hide his smile

I stuck my tongue out at him. Kahit papaano ay masaya na akong nakangiti na ulit siya.

"I know that someday, people will not only listen to your music but to your heart as well."

"Thank you Sadie.."

I smiled back.

We were then interrupted by a phone call. He took his phone from his pocket and answered the call.

"Hey mom? Yeah. Okay. We're coming over. K, bye," mabilis niyang sabi at binaba ang tawag

He turned to face me. "Hey, you wanna come over at my mom's? She's cooking something."

My eyes widened in excitment. "Really? Sure! I would love to."

He smiled. "K. Let's go," he said and stood up

***

"Hello po tita!" bati ko sa mama niya

"Oh, you must be Sadie!" she said

"Ay...kilala niyo na po pala ako," nahihiya kong sabi

Papakilala ko pa naman sana sarili ko pero kilala niya na pala ako.

"Yes hija. Lagi ka kasing kinekwento ni—"

"Because you kept on asking me," Haru interrupted

Tumingin ang mama niya sa kanya. "Ahh oo nga. Ganun din yun. Syempre gusto kong makilala mga kaibigan mo."

Pabalik-balik ang tingin ko sa kanilang dalawa.

"Let's eat. What did you cook mom?" he said and sat on the chair

"Oh right! Tamang tama. Gumawa ako ng meryenda niyo. Bilo-bilo!" she said and opened the lid of the small pot on the table

My eyes widened. "Hala! Paborito ko po 'yan."

My stomach growled. Napalunok ako habang nakatingin doon. Kita ko ang usok mula doon hudyat na bagong luto ang pagkain.

"Talaga? Mabuti kung ganun. Itong anak ko ayaw niya 'yan eh," sabi niya sabay upo. She also gestured be to sit down and I obliged

"What?! You hate this?" I said while looking at Haru

"I didn't say that I hate it. I just don't like the yellow stuffs," he said

"Ahh yung kamote ba?"

He nodded.

Pinagsandok siya ng mama niya. "Masustansiya kaya ito anak," sabi niya at binigay ang bowl kay Haru

Sumandok din siya ng para sa'kin.

"Ay, thank you po," nahihiya kong sabi at tinanggap iyon

Nagsimula na kaming kumain. I looked at Haru's bowl and he's busy removing the kamote and putting it on the side. Hindi ko mapigilang ngumiti habang ginagagawa niya iyon.

"Ilang taon ka na hija?"

"Po? Nineteen po," sagot ko. "Ang sarap po nitong luto niyo."

She smiled. "Salamat."

"Madalas din po kasing lutuin ni mama ito sa bahay kaya namiss ko ito."

"Saan ka nag-aaral?"

"Sa UST po. Fine Arts po kinuha ko. Second year na po."

"Ahh so may dorm ka dun?"

I nodded. "Opo."

We continued to feast on the food.

"Alam mo, balak ko din sana doon pag-aralin si Haru pagtungtong niya ng college...kaso mas pinili niya ang music," sabi niya habang sinisimot ang pagkain sa mangkok

I glanced at Haru but he seems unfazed. Kumakain lang siya na parang walang narinig.

"Ganun po ba?"

"Oo eh," she clicked her tongue. "Sayang...edi sana graduate nadin siya ngayon."

I swallowed hard. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa mangkok ko.

"Masaya naman po siya sa ginagawa niya," humina ang boses ko

"Alam ko naman yun pero syempre sino bang magulang ang ayaw makita ang anak niyang tumungtong sa stage at tanggapin ang diploma."

I licked my lips. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa. I looked at Haru beside me who's blankly staring at his bowl.

"Bye po tita! Thank you po ulit," paalam ko

Ngumiti siya. "Sige. Balik ka sa susunod," nasa labas na siya ng pintuan at kumakaway sa'min

"Sige po!"

I caught Haru staring at me. I smiled at him. Sabay na kaming naglakad palayo sa bahay nila.

"I guess my mom likes you," he said

I bit my lips. "Wow, that's an elite compliment," I whispehered

"What?"

Napatingin ako sa kanya. "Ah wala," I smiled awkwardly

"Alright. Let's go."

"Ahh teka. Huwag mo na ko hatid pauwi," sabi ko at humarang sa harapan niya

His brows furrowed. "Why?"

I smiled. "Kaya ko na. You don't always have to walk me home."

"It's late—"

"I know. I can manage," I cut him off. "Uh, tanong ko lang kung free ka ba sa Sabado?" I asked while staring at the ground

"Hmm. I'm not sure. Why?"

"Let's go somwhere with my friends," tumingin na ako sa kanya

His lips parted, surprised. "What?"

"May gala kami ng friends ko at gusto kita isama."

Napakurap-kurap siya. He placed his hand on top of his neck. "Uhmm...sure if that's what you want."

I jumped. "Omg! Yay!"

He smiled. "Where are we going?"

"We still don't know yet. Kahit saan. Alam mo bang natutuloy ang plano kapag biglaan?"

He arched his brow and flashed an amused grin.

Ngumiti ako at umayos ng tayo. "Sige. Uwi na ako. Tetext nalang kita okay?" sabi ko at unti-unting humakbang palayo. "Bye bye! Thanks for today!" I yelled. Medyo nakakalayo na ako sa bahay nila

Magsasalita na sana siya pero tumalikod na ako at mabilis na naglakad palayo.

"Goodnight!" pahabol ko at kumaway sa kanya

While walking home to my dorm, I suddenly saw a stray kitten at the middle of the road. I stopped and stared at it.

"Meow."

I heard her purring from a distance. Madilim na pero kita ko padin siya dahil sa maputi niyang balahibo.

My lips parted when she started to walk towards me. I slowly knelt down and watch her come to me.

She looks so cute and tiny! I extended my arm to reach her. She sniffed it and brushed her fur on my fingers.

"Ang cute," bulong ko

Napansin kong paika-ika ang lakad niya. Medyo madumi din ang balahibo niya. I looked closer and it seems like her leg is broken.

I suddenly want to keep her. Naawa ako sa kanya. Her purrs are tiny yet sharp.

I stood up and saw her chasing me with her short and fragile legs. I contemplated for a minute whether to keep her or not. In the end, I carefully picked her up on the ground. I then gently caressed her soft head. I feel like I can break her just by holding her small body. She's so light as a feather. I feel like I'm holding a baby. I want to protect her at all cost.

I turned her face towards me and my eyes widened when I saw that she has blue eyes. Mas tumingkad iyon dahil gabi.

I don't want to leave her here alone in this dark and cold night. She doesn't have a home.

"Well, then I'll be your home little kitten," I giggled softly and started to walk again