Day 1 : A Flashback

After ordering a cup of latte, I was sitting at the corner in the coffee shop and waiting for my friend. My name is Liana, a twenty-eight years old lady. Graduated from Tamkang University, I was working as a translator at HBO. Oh, there came my friend. Her name is Claire, a twenty-eight years old beautiful lady.

"Hey!" Both Claire and I greeted to each other excitedly.

"How are you doing?" Claire asked. She took the seat in front of me and ordered a cup of cappuccino.

"Not bad, and you?" I replied.

"Sounds good!" Claire said. Then, it was girl talk. We talked about our daily issues including jobs, boyfriend, and family.

"Listen, I am glad that you are here and doing great now." Claire said.

"What do you mean?" I frowned my head and laughed.

"I mean, you know, the time when you were in the States." Claire said. Her words suddenly took my brain to another space that I couldn't resist. Her words reminded me of one significant event happened in my life.

That was the time when I was younger than now. Due to the special junior abroad program designed by the university, I must go abroad and study for one year to graduate. I like English quite much, and going abroad is always my dream. But, that was also the first time when I tried to leave my hometown where I have lived for twenty years. My feelings was actually complicated. I was excited to learn some great new things. I was also fear that I couldn't accomplish my goals. I was also glad to go abroad with my best friend. We originally decided to go the States together and took care of each other. However, our friendship drew a rest before we went abroad. I was suffering in the deep pain. I totally lost my mind. Not going to class, I locked myself in my bedroom. I let my tears wash my face for days. When I gradually got my conscience back, I met my ex-boyfriend. He took care of me for a period of time. Though he gave me some romantic promises at that time, he ended our relationship right before the day I stepped on my flight. I was too grieved that I couldn't cry or speak any word out of my mouth. All the thing I could do was packing up my luggage. Because I was going to go abroad, and my conscience didn't allow myself to stuck in that kind of painful situation. I forced myself to go forward and face the music. I hoped the trip would take me away. I hoped the journey would wash my grief away.

Saying goodbye to my father, I stepped on my flight on time. There was no friend, no accompany. Facing the unpredictable future, I was like a tiny sand in the outer space. I was alone. The air was filled with loneliness. Everything in front of me was unknown and unstable. Though my heart was broken into pieces, I tried my best to minimize all my depression and anxiety. After taking the pill of airsickness, I persuaded myself to pretend that I was having a surgery which it would make me feel very painful like I was trapped in Dante's Inferno. I was under general anesthesia and became completely unconscious like a sleeping beauty. When I was woken up for meals, I saw the view outside of the plane. I was flying in the air. I was on the top of the sky. There were clouds floating in the blue sky. When drooping my head, I could see the foreign land which was very huge and very different from my home country. I started to imagine about the place where I was going to landed. How the place would look like? How about the people I was going to meet?

Day 3 : Another Beautiful World

When I opened my eyes again, I was already landed at San Francisco. When I stepped out the plane, it was freezing cold. All the view I saw seemed borderless. The States was quite huge that I felt I was like a dwarf who came to a giant big kingdom. All I saw was different. It was not only the different view but different people. They had different colors and faces. Though I could hear some strangers speaking my mother language, I felt unfamiliar. There were various kinds of unfamiliar faces. I was not in my hometown anymore. I was truly far away from my home. It was another beautiful world.

After arriving the Sacramento Airport, I went to the luggage claim. And, I lifted up my head and saw the pillars constructed with piles of luggage. I was fascinated by this beautiful castle that I took a picture right away. Driven by curiosity, I searched about this great masterpiece's information. I realized it was a public art. It is called Samson by Brian Goggin. It emphasizes the meaning of the airport. It is because of the support of travelers that there is an airport. Seeing this view, I felt my new life was begun. A brand new life in Sacramento.

"Hey, sweetheart. Can I help you?" The man at the airport shuttle asked.

"Yes, could you drive me to this place?" I pointed the address.

Sitting in the shuttle, I was looking at the outside for a while. Though there were only trees and roads, I felt it was not normal but special. I was staring at the huge world that I have never been to. It was like I raised my hand so hardly to catch the shiny star in the top of the sky. For me, it was like a dream. After days of flying, I was finally here. Later, I arrived at the hotel. Even I felt scared about being alone in a foreign country at night, my curiosity encouraged me. After taking a rest, I slowly and gently opened the curtain. There was a clean and light blue pool with some flashlights. They seemed to be normal, but all I felt was beautiful great things that I have never seen.

Day 15 : The Lull Before the Storm

After moving into a new apartment, I met my three other female roommates. One was Sarah, a Spanish lady. One was Greta, an Italian lady. And one was Gwendoyln, a French lady. We were all great. There were no problems between us. Later, the new semester began. I was lucky that I got used to my brand new life in the States very soon, especially my studies. I didn't realize that everything would change in the near future. Everything was out of my expectation. All of a sudden, everything just happened. It turned the sunny days into the stormy ones. The changing was so fast that I couldn't catch it. Everything became like chaos.

Day 30 : The Darkside of the Sun

I was forced to recall the dark side of those significant events which were buried in the corner of my heart. The pure one, also the immature, the weakest one of myself. Suddenly, there was a mirage appearing in my mind. I saw the 20-year-old of myself getting lost in the States. It looked like me but I felt she was different from me. She was the younger Liana. That was a silent night. I saw Liana putting on her dress. She collected some cloth. She grabbed her body wash, face wash, shampoo, tooth brush, and tooth paste. She sprayed some perfume on her chest, her ears, and her hands. She put on her necklace, her bracelet, her earrings, and her anklet. She walked out of her bedroom. She locked the door after taking her purse and the keys. She went to the supermarket across her dorm.

"Hi, I am looking for pepper spray." Liana asked an staff.

"Sorry, it is only available for online order." answered by the staff.

"Okay...Are there any knives?" Liana asked another question.

Liana bought a steak knife. Then, she called an Uber. She got on a white car. The seat was comfortable. The perfume smelled great. The driver was a handsome gentleman in a white and clean shirt. They had a nice conversation. The car soonly arrived in front of a motel. Liana walked into the lobby and get the room key immediately. She walked into the room and close the door. She ran to the bed and started crying. Her face was twisted by depression. She grabbed the blanket so tight. That was the only thing Liana could catch. She cried hardly without any whisper. She let her tears flow down in the silent darkness. Those painful memories flocked like marquees. I couldn't get myself back to the present. It seemed that I was freezed there and keep watching the younger of myself from the past.

Day 45 : A Mixture of Happiness and Pain

There was another dark night. I saw Liana finished her classes. She went to the supermarket, but she couldn't find the thing she needed. She stood at the entrance of the store and called an Uber. She looked at her phone. The driver's name reminded her something. The car came, and she got on the car. She saw the driver who looked familiar.

"Are you Liana?" The driver asked.

"Ah, yes..." Liana answered. She was a bit embarrassed.

"Do you remember me? We had a 10 minute road trip last week." The driver said. He smiled.

"Yeah, it's nice to see you again." Liana remembered the driver and said.

"So, are you going to grab something and go back to your apartment?" The driver kept asking.

"Yes." Liana answered.

"Okay, I will wait for you." The driver said.

"Oh! It's okay! I don't want to disturb you." Liana said.

"It's fine. Go ahead, I will wait here." The driver replied.

On the way back to the apartment, Liana's face looked more and more serious.

"You alright?" The driver asked.

"Yeah." Liana replied.

"Well.. you can tell me everything if you would like to." The driver suggested. Liana became silent. She didn't know what to do. Her tears fell down.

"Hey. It's fine. Everything will be okay." The driver tried to comfort her.

"I know... I just can't...I really want to move out. I just can't live with my roommates. I really don't know what I can do..." Liana said with tears falling down her cheek. Her eyes exuded hopelessness.

"Listen, I am going to drive you back to your apartment. We will figure out the way to solve the problem later. No worries. Everything will be okay. You will be fine." The driver comforted Liana. Then, they arrived at her apartment. She tried to say thank you to the driver, but the driver spoke something first.

"My name is Nolan. Here is my phone number. So, I can help you in case you need. " The driver smiled.

They said goodbye to each other. Liana went back to her bedroom. Nolan drove back to his house.

Day 60 : The Wood in the River

It was another day. It was in the morning. It was a cloudy day. Both the sky and the bedroom were a little bit grey, just like Liana's mood at that time. I was still standing behind her, the 20-year-old of myself. Liana opened her eyes in the dark. She put down her earplugs. She took away her quilt and walked out of her closet. She stood on her chair to open the light. Then, she stood in front of the window. She was looking outside with her tired eyes. There was no expression on her face. Everything was quiet, but it stuck in the pain. Suddenly, the phone vibrated. There was a message from Nolan.

"Hey, feeling alright? I am going to class with kids. Do you want to join me?"

I saw the expression on Liana's face gradually turned into a warm color.

Liana saw Nolan standing there with his violin. They laughed and went into the music class together. Nolan took her to his classroom. Then, Nolan started his class. Liana was sitting in the best seat to view the whole process. Nolan was actually a great musician, a violinist. His body was filled with the atmosphere of talented music. After the class, Nolan asked Liana to hang out. They got in his car.

"How are you today?" Nolan asked.

"I've seen better days." Liana said.

"Something interesting? "Nolan was curious.

"You look really different in class. You are kind and patient." She said with smile on her face.

"Come on! I am a musician." Nolan answered. They laughed together. They were on the highway. There was busy traffic. The sun went down, and the sky was painted with warm orange color. It lighted Liana's heart a bit.

"So, what are you going to do later?" Nolan asked.

"Well... I have no plan right now actually..." Liana answered.

"I get a plan. Let's go to the supermarket to buy some Chinese food and cook it in my house. How about that?" Nolan suggested.

"Not bad!" Liana smiled.

They went to the supermarket. Liana took the shopping cart and started shopping. Nolan was walking next to her.

"It's a nice and clean place." Nolan said.

"Yeah, it is." Liana said.

When Liana was shopping for the food she was going to buy, she saw Nolan was behind her. He was standing there and looking at other products. He picked up a bag of noodles from another shopping cart.

"Hey, this one looks good." Nolan said.

"Hey, you can't take things from other customer's shopping cart." Liana said.

"It's alright. Nobody's here. They just abandoned this shopping cart. See? I can feel it is cold and lonely." Nolan said.

"You..." Lilia tried to stop Nolen's behavior. Apparently, she failed. She couldn't help but laugh.

"You are like a giant kid." Liana said.

"Yeah, I am a giant kid." Nolan answered. They looked at each other and laughed. After buying some food, Nolan drove Liana to his house. Liana cooked some Chinese food for Nolan and his family. That was actually Liana's first time to cook the food from her country to the foreigners. It was a great chance to have the same food with different people with different background and cultures. Afterward, Liana and Nolan stayed in the living room. They sat on the sofa.

"So, what movies do you like?" Nolan clicked the television controller.

"Well, I actually watch various kinds of movies." Liana said.

"Let me show you something really funny. It's my favorite one." Nolan said. He picked a very funny comedy film. They had a good time. After the movie, it's time to sleep. Nolan was lying on the sofa next to Liana. He brushed up his brown hair with his hands. He looked at Liana. Liana noticed Nolen's movement. She looked at him. Her eyes met Nolan's. They were silent for a few seconds.

"Anything wrong?" Liana asked.

"No.." Nolan answered.

"Do you want to stay here or...?" Nolan asked.

"No, I don't want to disturb you guys." Liana replied.

"Well, you are not going to disturb us. You are my guest." Nolan said.

"It's okay." Liana said.

"You still want to go back?" Nolan frowned.

"Yeah." Liana answered with a fake smile.

Liana and Nolan got on the car. He drove her home.

"Have a good night." Nolan said.

"You too. Sleep tight." Liana ended the conversation. She got off the car and went back to her apartment. Nolan drove back to his house. It was their first time to hang out. It was also the starting point of the whole thing. But, Liana was still too young to notice about it at that time. She didn't think too much about it. She just wanted to do something else to make herself not so focus on the poor situation she was suffering from. At that time, Liana was a 20-year-old college girl. She was alone in a foreign country. She got no families and even no true hearted friends there. She was lonely. Nolan was a good person to lean on. Liana was almost lost in the river, and he was the only piece of wood that she could grab during that hard time.

Day 80 : The Prelude of Love

There was another morning. Liana opened her eyes. As usual, all she saw was darkness. She put down her earplugs. She took away her quilt and walked out of her closet. She stood on her chair to open the light. After taking a shower, Liana walked to the bus station. She went to school by bus. When Liana finished her classes, it was already 7pm. She was tired. Though Liana didn't want to go back to her apartment, she had no idea. She got nowhere to go. There was no home for her in the States. At that moment, her phone vibrated again.

"Hey, is everything alright? Well... I tried to cook the Chinese food but it tastes not so good as yous." Nolan sent the message. There was a smile on Liana's face.

"Stupid giant kid. Let me fix it." Liana replied the message.

"Perfect. See you soon!" message sent by Nolan.

Liana looked like she found something she could do. She could get out of her apartment. She could escape from her roommates. She was very delighted.

"Hey! Come on in!" Nolan suddenly hugged Liana.

"You smell good." Nolan said.

"Thank you." Liana droop her head with a smile.

Nolan shared the detail of his day to Liana. They had a pleasant conversation. Liana cooked for Nolan again. Afterward, they sat on the sofa to watch movie together. Everything was just the same as the first time when they hang out. Liana couldn't help but keep moving her eyes on Nolan. He was sitting next to her. She looked at his face and his blue eyes. Then, she put her eyes back to the television. After the movie, Liana went back to her apartment. She walked into her closet and lied down on her pillow. She covered her body with the quilt. Liana was confused. She got no idea. She felt that she started to rely on Nolan. But she clearly realized that Nolan was the one she couldn't love. She thought that they wouldn't work out. She just didn't figure out why she suddenly fell in love with him. She knew she shouldn't do so, but everything was too late when she noticed. She tried to calm down. She tried to not focus on Nolan, and she failed. She didn't realize that she was already stuck in it. She was addicted to this love.

Day 95 : Interlaced Love

Since then, Liana and Nolan started to hang out as a daily routine. They always did the same thing. They chatted, they share their daily life to each other. They laughed at the same time. She cooked for him, and they had a great movie time together. They became closer and closer.

"You have a boyfriend, right?" Nolan asked with a smile.

"No, I am single." Liana replied. She felt weird. She didn't realize what Nolan was thinking about.

"Oh, I see. But you should have a boyfriend." Nolan answered. Liana was silent for a few seconds. She looked calm.

"My ex-boyfriend broke up with me on the day just before I got on the airplane to come here." Liana said.

"I am sorry for that. It's fine. You are still young. You will get the better one." Nolan said. Liana smiled.

"How about you? Do you have girlfriend?" Liana spent a lot of her courage to ask this question.

"I had before. We just broke up one and half year ago." Nolan answered.

"It's fine." Liana said. They laughed together. They kept watching the movie. Liana was sitting next to Nolan. She tried to focus on the television. Suddenly, Nolan gently put his hands on Liana's shoulders and took her into his arms. Liana was shocked. She couldn't speak a word. Her body suddenly lying in front of Nolan's chest. Her head just touched Nolen's jaw. Her ears fell on the middle of his chest. Gradually, a steady sound of heartbeat came into her ears. At that moment, all she felt was happiness. She suddenly realized that there was still some pieces of love in a foreign country. She enjoyed the moment, and she hoped the time could stop there for a few more seconds. But, Liana still needed to go back to her apartment. She just didn't have the courage to sleep at Nolan's house. She thought that was a bad idea for her to do so. Going back to her apartment was like a kind of torture in the hell that it always brought Liana's mood to the darkest desperation. Though she was suffering in the deep pain, she still needed to face it. Because she knew that's the fact. That's the reality. That's what she chose. She chose to study abroad alone, then she needed to face it alone.

Day 120 : The Happy Hours

Nolan hold a party. During the party, Liana met a few of Nolan's friends. They had delicious food together. They danced together. They had a wonderful party night together. Liana was a bit drunk. She felt dizzy. She couldn't help but fall into Nolan's arm. She was lying on his chest. It was warm, and everything was so naturally like a dream. Liana felt happy. Staying with Nolan brought smiles on her face. With him, she afraid nothing. That night became one of Liana's best memory when she was studying abroad. Later, Nolan asked her to hang out on Valentine's Day. Despite the fact that Liana thought Nolan was not a romantic guy, she still showed up at the time they promised. She still enjoyed every second with him. They stayed with each other for the whole day. It was late night, Nolan was a little bit tired. He was lying down on his bed. Liana was sitting next to him. Nolan suddenly held Liana's hands.

"Stay here tonight?" Nolan asked.

"Sleeping with you on your bed?" Liana asked another question.

"Why not?" Nolan said. Liana was surprised about what she heard. Nolan fell asleep. Liana tucked him in the quilt.

"When do you want to get a boyfriend?" Nolan asked.

"Me? No... I am not going to do that." Liana answered.

"Why not? There's nobody you like?" Nolan kept asking.

"I love someone, but I don't think we will work out." Liana said.

"What's his name?" Nolan continually asked. Liana was silent. She didn't know how to answer. She didn't have the courage to tell him the truth. She felt that her love to Nolan was very distinct. She didn't know why Nolan just couldn't get it. She started to feel embarrassed.

"How about you? Do you want a girlfriend?" Liana asked another question.

"Yeah. I am seeing someone." Nolan answered. He showed Liana some pictures in his phone. It was a woman. She looked beautiful and elegant. Liana suddenly felt something was broken. She felt something was broken into pieces. She tried to pretend nothing happened. Nolan then invited Liana to come to his concert. He would play violin in front of the audience. Liana promised him that she would go. But, she knew. She knew it would be the last time for her to stay with him. She knew the fact. The truth was just there. She realized that Nolan had other choice. That woman was a really great one for him. She looked so perfect. Liana hoped that Nolan can stay with the best happiness. Then, it was Nolan's concert. Liana dressed well. She knew it would be the last day for her to see Nolan. She knew that she would forget him after the concert. She was sitting as one of the audience. She put her eyes on Nolan, his violin, and his melody. She saw him smiling. She felt warm, but she couldn't tell him. After the last song he played, Liana would cut this love away. After the concert, Liana never seen Nolan. Nolan never seen Liana. They gradually alienated each other.

Day 180 : Those Wet Eyes

There was another night. It was a really dark night. It was about 12am. Liana looked depressed and unsecured. There were tears on her cheek. She randomly grabbed some cloth and food. She locked her bedroom. She called an Uber and go to the hotel. She opened the door and went into the hotel room. She put her bag on the ground. She sat on a chair. Her eyes were full of sadness. Her lips were shivering. She felt she was crazy. Something horrible kept showing up in her mind like a nightmare.

"Liana Huang! You made a mess! Get out of here!"

"You fucking bitch!"

"Why don't you just get your sneaky ass back to your god damned country?"

"Go back to your fucking bedroom!"

Liana cried quietly. Her face looked struggle, and the tears kept falling down her face.

She felt everything just went so wrong. She felt she was lost. She called her parents and her friends for help.

Liana actually stood up with her roommates for eight months. She couldn't sleep well every day because her roommates were always loud and noisy. The sink that they shared were always full of their dishes. They liked to keep their dirty dishes in the sink for days. They even didn't take out garbage. And, they liked to argue with Liana. They liked to bully her. They liked to torture her. Though Liana felt depressed and unsecured, she tried to stand everything. She tried to deal with the things wasn't on the right track because she didn't want to ask her family to pay more money for her to move out of the apartment. She knew it's her choice to study abroad. She knew it's her responsibility. But now, Liana thought that it wasn't the problem about tolerance. It was a kind of psychological abuse, and she couldn't bear it anymore. Liana's parents were worried their daughter, their only daughter.

"Please, come back home, dear." said by Liana's mother.

"I said no discussion." Liana said.

"This is the only way I can help you. We can transfer to another school. I don't want you to get hurt. "Liana's mother said.

"Mom, you know this is my dream. This is my choice. And, this is my journey. I can't go back. I tried so hard to bring myself here. How can I destroy all of it?" Liana cried.

Though she got the chance to go back home, she gave up. She choose to accept all the torture by herself.

"If there is no pain, there is no gain. I have my own dream. Time is still flowing away. It won't wait for me even for a second. This is reality, I can't escape from it. I can't be weak. How can I go back? How dare I? Even my heart is full of scars, they are guiding me to the future I desire. No matter how worse it will be, I will go through it. If I can't save myself, who else can save me? If I end my life here, everything is disappear. Suicide is just an excuse that it will make things more depressed. Yeah, maybe someone will cry for you. Maybe someone will miss you, but it won't change anything. People will still continue their living. And, you are just gone. You are just disappear, for nothing. It's meaningless." A sound whispered inside Liana's mind.

Suffering in the deep pain, Liana almost lost her mind. She cried day and night. She didn't eat well. She was afraid to talk to others. Gradually, she tried to put her roommates down. She tried to put Nolan down. She tried to put all the bad things down. Instead, she focused on her studies. She finished her studies and got her grades. After a 9-months stay in the states, Liana finally went back to her country.

Day 250 : Back to Present

Claire's words just brought me back to my young life. Her words recalled the event which was a really hard time I was suffering when I was only 20 years old. All of a sudden, I heard Claire's voice.

"Hey, are you alright?" Claire looked worried. She put her eyes on me.

"Yeah.. I am fine..." I suddenly let my conscious bring me back to the present slowly and calmly.

"Well...I am sorry if I bring something wrong." Claire was silent for a while and said.

"You know, that was my first time." I looked at Claire and said. Claire looked anxious but silent.

"You know, the first time could be sweet, and it could be bitter, it could be painful. That was actually one significant journey that I had experienced. It was like an adventure. Though I got hurt, I got something I need to realize simultaneously." I said.

"It's always good to see that you are fine." Claire said.

"Yeah, I grew up I think. I was older now, and I was not the naive girl anymore." I said.

"You know, at least, now I can still tell the students to do something right. I can make good use of those bad things to make sure nobody is going to suffering from it again." I said.

Epilogue

I was glad that I didn't give up at that time. I could go back home right away but I refused. I tried to keep suffering the pain in a foreign country. I didn't want to end my journey earlier. The pain was already on my heart, I could only conquer it so as to make sure that I could come back to the States again. Afterall, I like the atmosphere in the States. It was a great opportunity to live alone outside of a safe home which I have lived for 20 years. The world was a huge place, it also let me realize that I still needed to grow up. Though I couldn't avoid from those painful things, I liked the states. I still found something wonderful that it was different and it was hard to find in my home country. I thought that was the meaning for this journey. The pain I got was a real pain that it pierce into my heart at that time. However, time would always make the pain faded. After cleaning a lot of tears, I still needed to move forward. It was always important that I knew what I should do. I suffered in the U.S.A, I got something back as well. The grades was one of it, the experience was also the heavy one. I would bury the scar completely one day. The pain would faded, and the meaning of the journey would still be remembered.