Requested by SkippyTheMudkip
Song: This Is Gospel by Panic! At The Disco
TRIGGER WARNING!
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This is gospel for the fallen ones.
Locked away in permanent slumber.

All I want is to be dead. But he won't let me die. He knows I'm in horrible pain. He knows that dying will make me happy. So, why doesn't he just let me?

Assembling their philosophies.
From pieces of broken memories.

I look down at my arms. My right arm was clean and as white as snow but my left arm danced with scars old and new. The new clearly stood out because of how red they were. A recent cut even had dried blood over it. I can't be bothered to clean the blood when it sheds.

This is the beat of my heart.
This is the beat of my heart.

"Cutting yourself again?"
Dan's voice startled me. I looked behind him to see him standing behind my bed. His long and graceful white wings made him look even more beautiful than he already was. He had light brown hair and the brownest eyes that you'll ever see. He was truly something remarkable. I was so glad that he was in my life.

This is the beat of my heart.
This is the beat of my heart.

"Yeah." I said. Normally I would say this with true despair in my voice because I feared his disappointment. But not this time. I don't care what he thinks. Death is my only escape at this point. "I have. Do you have a problem with that?"
"Yes." Dan said, crossing his arms. "As your Guardian Angel, I do. I'm supposed to protect you and I'm failing."
"Well, how can you save a tragedy?" I asked.
"Phil, don't ever refer to yourself as a tragedy." Dan said. "You were brought into this world for a reason and I'm going to keep you here. You think that you'll win but you won't. I'm much more powerful than you, whether you like it or not."

Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues.
Conspire against the odds.

"Why me?"
"What?"
"You heard me." I said, walking towards him.
"Why you huh?" He asked, crossing his arms and looking down at his feet. "I ask myself that question all the time."

But they haven't seen the best of us yet.

"Do you mean in a bad way?" I asked. "Because I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you didn't."
"No, I don't mean it in a bad way."
He muttered. He walked up to me and put his hands on my shoulders. They felt so cold. I had forgotten that Dan was actually dead. He acted so...alive. More alive than me, that's for sure. I was basically undead. Sure, my heart was still beating but I didn't understand how since I knew that it was broken into millions of tiny pieces.
"When my superiors told me that I was going to protecting you, I did some research on you." Dan said. "I wanted to know what I was getting myself into. You seemed like a pretty nice kid with a decent home life. But I soon learned that looks can be deceiving. I knew from the moment that your parents started yelling at you from a drunken night out that I wanted to protect you. And, I've come to grown to protect you for another reason."
"What is that reason?" I half-whispered to him, looking into those beautiful brown eyes of his. I wondered if it was wrong to be in love with your Guardian Angel.

If you love me, let me go!

Suddenly, the door swung open and Dan was gone in an instant. I looked over to see that my brother had opened the door.
"Are you okay?" He demanded. "Are you hearing voices in your head again?"
Since I'm not exactly quiet when I talk to Dan, my brother sometimes overhears me talking to him and I eventually lied to him and told him that   I heard voices in my head, even though that's far from the actual truth.
"Yeah." I lied. "I am."
If I had to cut myself every single time I lied, my whole body would be dancing in scars. I thought to myself.
"Oh Phil." Martyn said, coming into the room and drawing me into a hug. "I think you should go see the doctor."
"I'm fine M." I said, hugging him back. "They don't say anything bad."
"I still think that you should go see someone." He said, releasing me. "Phil, you're way too stubborn for your own good."
"I know." I said, smiling. But it wasn't a real smile. It never was. "But I like being stubborn."
"Whatever." He said, lightly shoving me with a genuine smile on his face. God, when's the last time I've had one of those? Have I ever even had one? For as long as I can remember, my life has been hell because of my parents. "I'm going back to my room to finish up homework."
"Have fun." I said as he closed the door.

*****

If you love me, let me go!

I was unable to sleep, like usual. I wanted Dan to come but I couldn't call out to him because everyone was sleeping and Martyn would most likely get up and drag me to the mental hospital by the ear if he heard me call out to him. I couldn't even whisper, that boy is always listening to me, I swear.

Cause these words are knives and often leave scars.

I heard the sound of a door opening. I glanced over at the clock to see that my parents were finally getting home at three AM. Believe it or not, this is early for them. Usually they're at one of their friends' house passed out. When that happens, they come home to make dinner and they rinse and repeat from there.

The fear of falling apart.

I always used to find myself of kids that didn't have shitty parents. I wondered why my parents never hugged me or came to my school events like other kids' parents did. I thought that that was strange as a young boy. But then I got older and realized that the way that my parents were treating me wasn't normal.

And truth be told, I never was yours.
The fear, the fear of falling apart.

I thought about reporting them. But if I did, my brother and I would've been put up for adoption. Every other family member of mine was either gone or they weren't fit health-wise to take care of two boys. So I let them tear me down. I let them yell their drunken words at me. They never yelled at Martyn, just me.

This is the beat of my heart.
This is the beat of my heart.
This is the beat of my heart.
This is the beat of my heart.

Why would they yell at him? He was the perfect son. Athletic, smart, attractive, he was what I could only dream of being. He had girls falling head over heels over him and he's been dating the same gorgeous girl for three years now. He's everything I'm not.

This is gospel for the vagabonds.
Ne'er-do-wells and insufferable bastards.

I gave up on sleep and turned on my bedside lamp. I sat up in my bed and stared at the little star stickers that I had stuck over my ceiling (Which I had painted black) and kept letting the thoughts consume me.

Confessing their apostasies.
Led away by imperfect imposters.

I sometimes wonder what my life would be without depression. Would I be popular? Would my arms be scar-free? Would my parents love me? For as long as I can remember, depression has defined me. Whenever I write Phil Lester on papers for school, the first thing that comes to my head is, "Oh yeah, Phil Lester. That kid with depression."
But, without depression, I wouldn't have met Dan Howell, my Guardian Angel and the one person (other than Martyn of course) who actually gave a fuck about me. And the one person that I found myself loving.

This is the beat of my heart.
This is the beat of my heart.
This is the beat of my heart.
This is the beat of my heart.

I made the first cut when I was just eight years old. Too damn young, I know. But I remember vividly Martyn taking a knife out to play samurai with his friends (They claimed that it was the closest to swords that they had access to) and when they all went outside, little eight year old Phil peeked out into the drawer and took out his own knife. I remember Martyn telling me that he knew a girl that cut herself to make her feel better. At that very moment, I remembered him telling me this and so the very first of many cuts was made on my left arm.

Don't try to sleep through the end of the world.
And bury me alive.
Cause I won't give up without a fight.

I wish that there was someone I could call that wasn't dead. I wish that I could have a three AM conversation with someone who will make me stop cutting and stop feeling depressed and fix my life. Because, deep inside, I knew I still had a chance of being whole again, despite my unhealthy obsession of wanting to be dead.

If you love me, let me go!
If you love me, let me go!

My dark thoughts soon turned to Dan. I still wanted to know if it was crazy to be in love with your Guardian Angel because God, Dan was handsome as all hell. He was the reason why I don't cut deep enough to make the kill. But today marked the day that I stopped giving a fuck. I wanted to be with him but Heaven and Earth didn't want that. They wanted us to remain close companions and not lovers.

Cause these words are knives and often leave scars.
The fear of falling apart.
And truth be told, I never was yours.
The fear, the fear of falling apart.
The fear of falling apart.
The fear, the fear of falling apart.
The fear of falling apart.
The fear of falling apart.

"Phil, you're awake, aren't you?"
"Dan! I'm so glad you're here! I need you!" I kept my voice as low as I possible could so Martyn-the-light-sleeper wouldn't come in and nag me about "the voices in my head".
"That's why I'm your Guardian Angel." He said, smiling and sitting down next to me. He spread his wings and wrapped one around me. The gesture took me by surprise.

The fear of falling apart.

"You seem quite surprised." Dan remarked with a smile.
"Yeah. I am." I said, trying to take out my pocket knife without him knowing. "You've never wrapped your wings around me. They're quite soft, almost like feathers but better."
"This is just an extra step of protection." He said, smiling.
I wanted to smile but I just couldn't. The knife was right next to me, hidden from Dan by my hand.
"Come on Phil." He said, looking at me with those damn eyes of his. "A smile's in there."
"It is." I said, not looking at him. "You just have to find it."
At that moment, he took my face in his hands and stared at me for a brief moment before he grabbed my face with his cold hands. I saw those big brown eyes of his for a moment before his lips met mine. At first, I couldn't believe what was happening. My heart seemed to stop with pure shock before it picked up the pace and made me feel like it was going to beat right out of my chest. I felt his wings leave my back and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled me closer and drew in a quick breath before resuming the kiss. Even though this was the first kiss of my entire life, I kissed him like I had experience doing it. And when he broke it off, I felt a smile growing on my face. This smile l, unlike the others, was pure and genuine. I couldn't even remember the last time I had smiled legitimately.
"I found it." Dan teased as he lightly poked my nose. "I knew it was in there somewhere."
I laughed and almost forgot what I had meant to do. I switched open the pocket knife and kept the conversation going so Dan wouldn't have a reason to look down at my hand.
"I think a part of me knew too." I said, making sure that he kept eye contact with me as I slowly raised the knife. "But depression kinda started to define me, you know?"
"You should never let anything define you." Dan said as the knife was only a few feet away from my heart. "There's too many things in life to have just one thing define you."
"Well, the fact that I love you defines me." I said. At that moment, before he could even react, I made the blow to my heart. I immediately fell to the ground and black danced across my vision before I could fully process what I had just done.

*****

"You're lucky I gave you wings in the first place!"
My eyes fluttered open and I saw Dan standing above me. I felt like I was laying on cotton candy and the sky was the brightest blue I've ever seen.
"Dan!" I cried happily as I stood up, feeling a brand new energy.
"I failed." He said. "I could've lost my role as a Guardian Angel because of you!"
"Dan, I'm so sorry!" I said. "I only did it because I.."
"Because you what Phil?" Dan snapped. "You knew that I had to keep you alive!"
"I know." I said. "I only did it because I love you!"
"Love me?" Dan asked, clearly shocked. "Why on earth would you stab yourself in the heart because you love me?"
"Because you're the only thing I had left!" I said. "I mean, I had Martyn but he really wasn't doing a great job. I know it's crazy but I fell in love with my Guardian Angel."
"And I fell in love with the one I was supposed to be protecting." Dan said. He still kept a serious look.
"Heaven and Earth were the only things keeping us apart." I said. "And now look at us. I've got Guardian Angel wings, just like you. And now we can actually be together."
Dan looked down at the ground for a brief moment and I feared what was to come next.
"Damn it, you're lucky you're so cute." He said, looking back up at me and smiling. "Now come on, you have a lot of explaining to do to my superiors."
"Please, we have all the time in the world." I said.
He laughed as he wrapped his arm around me. We walked off, heading to whatever we had to face next.

The fear of falling apart.