"Lost & Found" (Revised), Ch.  18 (PG-13, D): Matthew Relives the Accident,   December 03, 2014 Gratiana Lovelace

 (An original fiction copyrighted by Gratiana Lovelace;  all rights reserved)
[(1)top right, story logo] 

[I will illustrate my story using my dream cast of --Richard Armitage for Matthew Drake, Kate Beckinsale for Jocelyn Burrows, Brenda Blethyn for Aunt Madge, Michael Crawford for Michael Ferguson, Gina McKee for Marcia Glass, James Frain for Vicar Nelson Marshall, Shirley MacLaine for Lucretia Baldridge, and others.] 

Author's Mature Content Note:  "Lost & Found" is love story with mature themes (D for drama and S for sensuality) of love and relationships.  Most chapters will be PG or PG-13. However, if you are unable or unwilling to attend a movie with the ratings I provide, then please do not read that chapter.  This is my disclaimer.

Recap from the previous installment:   Matthew helps Jocelyn move her clothing and computer  from her university apartment on Saturday, December 20th. And when they meet Madge and Michael at this pub for lunch, Michael proposes to Madge and she accepts.  So double wedding planning begins to kick into high gear over lunch.  Then Jocelyn finds her perfect dress with Madge's help during an afternoon shopping trek. But when the ladies return to the pub, they find their men celebrating  their upcoming nuptials amusingly   tipsily. After somewhat  sobering  up Matthew and Michael, each couple returns to their home to rest. They will make arrangements with the vicar after Sunday Services. But tonight, Saturday night, Matthew and Jocelyn will have a heart to heart talk that will deepen their understanding of and their love for each other.

"Lost & Found" (Revised), Ch.  18 (PG-13, D):  Matthew Relives the Accident

[A word of caution, this chapter contains distressing information about the accident.]

It's about 4:00pm now on Saturday, December 20th and Matthew is now sobered up at Michael's pub--as is his Aunt Madge's fiancé Michael--but quite sleepy.  So, Matthew and Jocelyn take a taxi to the wedding gown shop to pick up her dress and veil and then head home to their flat.  After hanging up her gown and veil outside of the garment bag to prevent wrinkles--but in an alcove where Matthew can't see it--Jocelyn admires her beautiful wedding dress once more.  But she keeps the front of the gown turned away from the open flat area so that Matthew won't be able to catch a glimpse of it until their wedding day.  Then, Jocelyn and Matthew gratefully each take a shower and change into their nightclothes and slide into bed for a much deserved afternoon nap.  Pregnant ladies need lots of naps.  And soon to be Daddys who drink a pint more than they are used to also need a nap. 

They are so tired, that they do not awaken until almost 7:00pm in the evening.  But, when they do awaken, their already cuddling bodies kiss and caress each other so sweetly as they make love, that they feel so blessed to have each other and their baby on the way.  Then around 8:00pm, Matthew and Jocelyn rise and put on their nightclothes again and they fix a quick light dinner meal of eggs and toast and jelly.  Their lunch meal at the pub had been a big one, so they are not as hungry tonight.  After eating their meals, they sit cuddling on the couch watching the flickering flames of the gas fireplace as the only light in the room.

Jocelyn:  "I'm so happy Matthew.  For us to find each other again and plan to be married—and to have our baby--it's a dream come true."   She kisses him sweetly.

Matthew:   "I know what you mean Jocelyn.  It is for me, too.   I didn't think I could be this happy ever again."  He smiles lovingly at Jocelyn.  Then Matthew drops his eyes in sadness and is very quiet for several moments as he considers whether to broach the subject of his other family with Jocelyn.  For her part, Jocelyn waits patiently, sensing that Matthew needs to share something with her.  Finally, Matthew continues in a slow, deep, halting voice.   "Jocelyn, I know that I've never discussed my other family at length with you—it's been too painful for me.  But I would like to share a little bit about them with you, if you would let me."  Matthew gazes at Jocelyn hopefully. 

Jocelyn:  Caressing Matthew's face caringly, Jocelyn says in a hushed voice.  "Oh Matthew, of course you have loving memories of your first wife and your son who died.  You don't have to hide that from me.  I love you Matthew, and that means all of you--past, present, and future."

Matthew:  "I love you, too, Jocelyn, always."  He looks at her soulfully, not sure where to start.  Then, he begins to tell the story of his first family to Jocelyn.   "Karena and I--that was my first wife's name—we met and fell in love in our late twenties.  She was a sweet and kind and loving individual and I loved her with all of my heart."  Jocelyn nods her head and smiles encouragingly at Matthew. "We wanted children very much, but we couldn't conceive the first few years we were married. And then miraculously, she became pregnant." Matthew's face shines with the memory of the joy that he felt in knowing that he would become a father for the first time.  "So, when we had our son Matthew Jr. ..."  

Jocelyn's heart catches in her throat and she gasps at the mention of Matthew's little boy who was also killed in the car accident.

Jocelyn:  "Hhhh!"

Matthew:   "... our joy was complete.  Matty, as we called him, was only five years old at the time of the accident that took his and his mother's lives two years ago." Matthew looks sorrowfully [(2) right]   at Jocelyn as his tears fall.

Jocelyn: "Ohhh Matthew!"  Jocelyn sighs quietly in empathy for Matthew's tragic losses.

Matthew has to stop telling his story for several moments as his tears and his heartache overwhelms him.  He is a haunted man, haunted by the tragedy that befell his family.  Jocelyn holds Matthew in her arms, caressing his face soothingly while she presses her cheek to his other cheek.  They cling to each other for several minutes, until he somewhat regains his composure.   

Matthew:  "It was a stupid car accident."  Matthew cries out angrily as his body tenses up.  Then he gets very quiet.  "And, I don't know if it was my fault or not."  He exhales deeply, giving voice to his deepest fear. 

Jocelyn:  "It wasn't your fault."  Jocelyn  whispers trying to console Matthew. "It wasn't your fault."

Matthew:   "If we had only stayed home that night--or if I had gone out alone--Karena and Matty would still be alive.  But she insisted on coming with me, because I had not been feeling well.  So we had to bring Matty, too."  Matthew shakes his head for the twists of fate--the decisions they made--that sealed their fates.  "I had been experiencing severe headaches for about a week and no medicine I took, or anything I did, seemed to help.  We were driving back home from visiting the pharmacy to pick up some more pills for me and a few other things from the market--and the rain that had been falling made the pavement wet and slippery." 

Jocelyn can tell that Matthew is reliving his horror as he is telling it to her and she grieves with him.  And all she can think to do is to try to soothe him in a hushed whisper that becomes her mantra.

Jocelyn:  "It wasn't your fault.."  Jocelyn feels Matthew's skin of his hands become cold and clammy--as if he were going into shock, because he is.  Matthew's eyes have become glassy and focused in front of him, as if he sees it all happening before him.  Still Jocelyn tries to break through to him in a gentle voice.  "It wasn't your fault."

Matthew:  "I don't remember what happened next.  The doctors said I had a stroke.  But they don't know if the stroke happened before and is what caused the accident, or if the accident caused the stroke I had.  I woke up in the hospital the next day with a broken arm and leg, burns on my hands and legs, and a bandage around my head from brain surgery to relieve the bleeding in my brain.  They told me ..."   Matthew's tears fall.  "... they told me that my wife and son had died instantly in the car accident--not from the fire that followed.  Oh god!   Oh god!" Matthew's eyes widen and then he quickly covers his face in utter shock [(3) right].    "There was a fire!  Oh god! Hmmmm.  Hmmm." 

Matthew cries in tortured agony as he finally remembers this awful detail about the accident--a memory that he had suppressed and blocked for a very long time--and he looks at the palms of his hands now and see that they still show evidence of being burned and having had skin grafts by virtue of their mottled color and uneven texture.  The fronts of his lower legs have also had skin grafts for his healed burn injuries.  Matthew had simply blocked this aspect of the accident out of his mind.   And Jocelyn holds onto Matthew  tighter as her own tears stream freely down her cheeks in sorrow for the tragic deaths of Karena and Matty.  

Jocelyn: "No!"  Jocelyn now realizes the true extent of Matthew's physical and emotional scars.

Matthew: "Of course that is what they always tell you--that they died instantly in the crash--so that you don't believe that your loved ones suffered.  Hmm.   Hmm."  He whimpers disconsolately.   "... but I've never had the courage to question it. Hmm.  Hmm."  He admits crying quietly.  "I was in the hospital for four months and in a rehab facility for the rest of the year after that.  I couldn't even attend their funeral—which was a closed casket due to the severity of their injuries." Then Matthew's crying becomes weeping as he speaks chokingly through his tears.  "We buried Karena and Matty together, in the same coffin—my two loves, lying together in each others' arms for eternity.  Hmm. Hmmm."  Matthew is a shattered man for losing his family and worrying that he was the cause of it.

Now Jocelyn is also weeping and she and Matthew cling to each other for some time as they share his grief and Jocelyn attempts to console him.  Jocelyn thinks, it is no wonder that Matthew's recovery took two years when he had the burden of thinking that he had killed his cherished family—even if the accident was caused by a stroke or the condition of the roads that he could not have controlled.

What Matthew does not remember--but what the accident reconstruction investigator later determined and shared with Madge Drake--was that after the Drake car had slid off the water soaked road, it tumbled down a steep embankment and somehow managed to land upright.  Matthew had also incoherently rambled what had happened to the police officer that accompanied him to the hospital--so they would know something  about the accident should he also have succumbed to his injuries. With his head bleeding from hitting the driver's side door frame as the car rolled, Matthew had awoken and smelled leaking gasoline and he tried to get his wife and son out of the car.  However Karena was already dead from the force of the collision--and so was Matty.  Their seatbelts had held them securely, but as the car rolled over bushes and other objects, those objects were pushed into the car and they were killed.  But Matthew wouldn't believe that his wife and child were dead and he quickly got out of his side of their car and went around to their passenger side of their car.  The flames were beginning to lick the underside of their car where the gas tank was, but Matthew ignored the searing pain to his lower legs and hands and arms.  He had to get them out!

Matthew had tried to release Karena's safetly belt, but it had jammed from the accident.  Finally realizing that his wife was dead, Matthew then tried to release Matty's body from his seat belt in the back seat, but it was stuck as well, and it took several minutes to pry his son's body loose.  Matthew had just gotten Matty's body out of the car, when the car exploded, engulfing the car in flames.  And Matthew was thrown back twenty feet from the force of the blast, him still holding onto Matty's body--tumbling backwards with his son on his chest.  Matthew hit his head on a tree and fell to the ground unconscious--but Matthew was safely away from the fire consuming Karena's lifeless body.  And little Matty's body, their precious five year old son, was still lying lifeless nestled onto his father's chest, as he had been held lovingly so many times when he had fallen asleep in his father's arms. 

After passing motorists had alerted emergency responders to the accident, the paramedics found Matthew unconscious and his son Matty and his wife Karena deceased.  It was too late to save Karena and Matty, but Matthew was still alive.  And they quickly transported Matthew by helicopter to the hospital where they tended to his physical injuries.  However Matthew's emotional scars would take much longer to heal--if they ever will.

Jocelyn:  "Matthew my love.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  It was a terrible terrible tragedy."  Taking Matthew's face in her hands, Jocelyn gazes into his eyes lovingly and pleads.  "Matthew, you have to know that the accident that caused your wife's and child's death was not your fault—whether it was a stroke or bad road conditions.  You couldn't have prevented it."

Matthew:  He hangs his head and replies.  "I know that, rationally, but ...  I miss them every day.  Our little Matty would be in school now and playing foot ball and ..."

Matthew cannot finish his thoughts, he is too overcome with grief again.  And, he and Jocelyn sit there holding each other and sobbing again for some time.  Jocelyn senses that Matthew has never given voice to his grief, until now.  Jocelyn realizes that Matthew locked away his emotions and his grief for so long, that he could not find his way back to the world of the living—that is, until he met her.  Sometime later, when both of their weeping lessens, the caring and loving Jocelyn [(4) right]  makes Matthew a promise.

Jocelyn:  "Matthew, Karena and Matty were an ... are an important part of your life.  And you don't ever have to hide that from me or from others.   I won't feel jealous or slighted because you also love them still—I wouldn't expect anything less from you.  You're a loving and honorable and decent man, Matthew.  That is why I love you so."  Jocelyn softly kisses Matthew' cheek.  "We will remember Karena and Matty and we will honor them and their memory."

Matthew:  "Oh Jocelyn, I love you so.  Thank you for understanding.  I've never been able to talk to anyone about my grief before.  I've kept it hidden so deep inside of me, that I felt lost within my grief."  He pauses and gazes at Jocelyn lovingly.  "But, now that I've found love again with you, my Darling Jocelyn, I have a new hope and purpose for my life.  You're the sweetest and kindest and most loving person I've ever known.  You've given me back my life."  He kisses her tenderly and adoringly.  "And now, with our baby on the way, I almost can't believe that life has given me a second chance for happiness."  Matthew gently caresses Jocelyn's pregnant tummy, where [their] baby sleeps and grows.  Yet Matthew still feels so unworthy of this second chance--when his wife and son, had none.  It will take him a long time to truly be able to look forward to the future.

Jocelyn:  "I know, Matthew.  You have given me a second chance for happiness, too.  My love, we are so right together, I think it must be fate or destiny that drew us together—when we needed each other most."

Then, Jocelyn slowly stands and takes Matthew's hand in hers as they walk to their bedroom.  They lay in bed chastely kissing and tenderly cuddling together for some time, since their hearts are still raw with the grief they shared this evening.  Matthew's pain will always be with him, but he will come to know that by him living, he is Karena's and Matty's legacy in the world.  And he will honor their legacy of love by living his life more fully, grateful for the precious gift of life that he has been given.  And, as they drift off to sleep in each other's loving arms, Matthew and Jocelyn know that the morning brings hope and joy and love for their new life together.

To be continued with Chapter 19

"Lost & Found" (Revised), Ch. 18  References for Wattpad, Dec. 03, 2014 Gratiana Lovelace

1)      "Lost & Found" title graphic representing Matthew is an artistic blurring of a portrait of the Spooks character Lucas North (as portrayed by British actor Richard Armitage) found at http://www.richardarmitagenet.com/images/gallery/Spooks/Spooks9/album/episode2/album/slides/2_199.html

2)       Image of Lucas North (as portrayed by Richard Armitage) in Spooks series 9, episode 8 (pix 17) was found at

http://www.richardarmitagenet.com/images/gallery/Spooks/Spooks9/album/episode8hd/album/slides/8_17.html

3) Image of Lucas North (as portrayed by Richard Armitage) in Spooks series 9, episode 7  (pix 68) was found at http://www.richardarmitagenet.com/images/gallery/Spooks/Spooks9/album/episode7/album/7_068.jpg

4) Image representing Jocelyn is a portrait of the British actress Kate Beckinsale http://www.customity.com/storage/public/image/wallpaper/201007/485-kate-beckinsale-wallpaper-1920x1440-customity.jpg

"Lost & Found" (Revised), Ch. 18 Images for Wattpad, Dec. 03, 2014 Gratiana Lovelace

http://gratianads90.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/blostfoundch18wattpadimages_dec0314gratianalovelace.jpg