I saw Emma walk into the gallery and smiled. I hadn't seen my sister for a few days and had a lot to catch her up on. 

"Hi Mirel." Emma said as she walked into my office.

"Hi. How's it going?" 

"You tell me. Have you seen this?" She said setting a magazine on my desk. 

"What's this?" I asked looking at her. 

"Take a look at it."

I looked at the cover only to see a small picture of me and Harry on the bottom corner. There was a small caption that said 'Nilsson's new girl'.

"The article starts on page 22." Emma said as she sat down. 

I flipped through it quickly until I got to page 22. I gasped when I saw all the pictures from my date with Harry splattered on the pages. The headline read: Nilsson's new girl is Lennon's Ex. 

The pictures were mainly from the wine bar. It had Harry and me at the table drinking wine, dancing, singing at the piano, out by the car talking and also a picture of when I hugged Harry. 

"Did you read this?" I asked Emma and she nodded. 

I quickly skimmed the article. "The couple looked relaxed ....enjoyed the evening with two bottles of red wine. The night.....with dancing and even an impromptu performance of 'You don't know me.' Onlookers said Nilsson and Sherlin did a beautiful rendition of the classic. Nilsson and Sherlin left at...talked outside the car.....Sherlin then hugged Nilsson....Okay so they described our date. I didn't realize we had anyone following us."

"Read here." Emma said pointing to a section in the article. 

"Those who witnessed Sherlin and Nilsson's duet remarked what a strong voice Sherlin possessed. What we're wondering is why we hadn't heard Sherlin until now. Having dated Lennon for years, it would seem logical, with Sherlin's talent, that she could have easily transitioned into the business. A thank you goes out to Nilsson for having bought this little gem to the public's attention. As for Lennon, maybe he should have thought twice about leaving Sherlin for Ono. Sherlin's sultry voice clearly outshines the shrieks Ono is known for." I read out loud.

I looked up at Emma.

"Yeah...apparently there is a recording of your duet with Harry too."

"What?" 

"I saw it on the news this morning." 

"The news? Why is this such a big deal?"

"Apparently, people have begun comparing you and Yoko...it started out with just your singing skills, but now it seems that the media has ripped Yoko apart...as usual..."

"Wonderful." I said. "And I'm sure pretty soon there'll be talk about how Harry and John share the same girl...and I'll be reduced to being easy and getting passed around from John to Harry." I sighed as I put my hands on my face. 

"Mirel…" Emma said patting my arm. 

"It's true...isn't that what ultimately is happening?"

"No! John happened a long time ago...it's been years!"

"Has it?" I responded. 

Emma looked at me. "You didn't!"

"Yes I did, alright!" I said frustrated with myself. "It happened when Elise was in the hospital..." I confessed. 

"Mirel!"

"Emma...just...don't. I feel bad enough with the situation as it is for you to be lecturing me!" 

"You're right...I'm sorry." Emma said supportive. 

The next few days were a struggle. There was indeed a recording of our duet that had gone public. Why the big deal over it was beyond me. This fired up the critics, allowing John to be a target for their jokes and snide remarks. Bottom line was the media was comparing me with Yoko and in the process trying to make John look like a fool for trading me in for her. The fact that John was separated from Yoko, was living with his lover, had me as the mother of his child, who was now dating Harry, who was John's good friend, who John happened to be producing an album for, was great material for the late night talk shows. I tried not to pay attention to the press, but it was hard to keep it together at times. 

***

"I don't have anything against Yoko. She's an innovative artist who does wonderful work." I answered as the reporters followed me to my car. 

"Will you be featured on Harry Nilsson's new album?"

"No. I'm not going to record with Harry."

"Is it true that you have caused problems in the Lennon- Nilsson friendship and now Lennon refuses to continue as producer of the album?”

"John is still producing the album and there is no fallout between any of us."

"Have you been involved with Lennon while dating Nilsson?"

I abruptly stopped, grateful to have reached my car. I turned to look at the man who had asked me that. 

"Are you kidding me with this question? Why don't you just ask me if I've been passed around between John and Harry like I was some friggin' joint? I've had it with you...all of you! Leave me alone and let me live my life in peace!" I yelled at them. I opened my car door and could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes. I drove out of there quickly, needing to get away. I started crying on the way to my apartment. I needed some time to think...to unwind...to get away from everything. When I got home, I called Emma and asked her to please take Elise back to my parents’ house after the park. 

"Are you okay?" Emma asked. 

"I'm just...tired of all this...I'm tired of the reporters, of the questions...I think I officially cracked today." 

"What happened?" 

"I couldn't take it anymore Emma...I completely lost it with a reporter just now...I'm sure it'll come out on the news or on some tabloid tomorrow." I sighed. 

"Just get some rest...unwind....relax....don't worry about Elise." 

"Thanks." I said before hanging up the phone. 

I went into the kitchen and grabbed the half empty bottle of scotch I had stored. I grabbed a glass and went back to the couch. I took a sip of my glass and tilted my head back. Everything had gotten so complicated. I needed to forget...and alcohol had a way of making me do just that. I turned on the TV and waited for the news to air my eloquent speech of this afternoon. Sure enough, there it was...and sure enough that led to me drinking some more. I had no idea what time it was when I heard a knock on the door. When I got up, I realized how very drunk I really was. 

"Who is it?" I asked as I reached the door. 

"It's Harry."

I unlocked and opened the door. 

"Hi Mirel." 

"Hey Harry."

"You've been drinking." Harry said as he looked around to see if anyone else was here. "You've been drinking alone?"

"Don't judge...please?" 

"C'mon." Harry said as he guided me back to the couch. "Did you drink this whole bottle yourself?" he asked when he saw the bottle on the coffee table. 

"No. It was half empty when I started"

"Mirel, what's going on? This isn't like you."

I grabbed my glass, but Harry took it from me.

"I don't tell you when to stop drinking; don't tell me when I should stop." I said as I took back my glass. 

"Does this have anything to do with what happened with the reporter today?" He inquired. 

"Oh! You saw it! Of course! The whole world say Mirel Sherlin finally lose it!"

"Hey...it's alright."

"Is it really, Harry? Is it really alright to basically be called a slut....and be alright with it?"

"Nobody is calling you that." Harry countered. 

"They did...the reporters did! I mean how do you think it looks? To first be involved with John and then being shown going on a date with you? I mean you two are friends for goodness sake! It's no surprise they asked me if I was involved with both of you! I'm surprised they didn't ask if we've ever been in a threesome!" 

"It's not like that Mirel! Who cares what they think! You know the truth, I know the truth! Everyone has a past. Who cares if you were in a relationship with John!"

"But you don't know the truth Harry." I said trying to regain composure. "That's what this is all about...those damn reporters are right!"

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked concerned. 

I sat down on the couch, taking deep breaths. I took a gulp from my drink before Harry took it away from me again. 

"Give me that." He said as he put it on the floor. 

"What's going on?" Harry asked.

I looked at Harry, a knot in my throat as I braced myself for his reaction.

"That night...the night I cancelled with you because Elise was in the hospital....that night...I slept with John." I said softly.

Harry didn't say anything. He didn't even move. 

"Now you know the truth...and now you know that the reporters aren't completely wrong in insinuating that I--"

"Don't say it." Harry finally spoke. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before."

Harry wasn't making eye contact. I didn't know what to do. 

"You know, John told me to stay away from you...that you'd end up hurting me...and here I am...the one doing the hurting is me." I said. 

"John told me the same thing." Harry finally spoke. "...to stay away from you...that I'd hurt you." 

I sighed. "Guess he got it all wrong." I continued

Harry sighed. "Look Mirel....John knows my track record...that's why he said what he said. And....well he told me what had happened between you and him."

"When?" I asked shocked.

"The morning after our date. He showed up enraged that I hadn't taken you home..."

"So he told you? Oh my God." I said as I put my hands over my face.

I felt Harry come close to me. He took his hands and pulled mine down so he could look at me. 

"It's okay...I just want to know one thing...what's the story with you and John?"

"The story?"

"Yes...do I have a chance with you? Or should I just walk away now?" Harry asked. 

"You're not upset because of what happened?"

"I'm not thrilled...but I know you two have a past...and sometimes...well....you just can't help fall back on old habits...I just want to know if I even stand a chance against John. I mean you two will always have Elise...that will always tie you to one another...and I get that...but should I just call it a day, shake your hand and wish you good luck? Or can we genuinely give this a shot and see where this takes us?"

Things with John were complicated. John was married to Yoko...May was...his lover or whatever....and me...well I was just the mother of one of John's children. Did I have a future with John?...probably not....did I have a future with Harry?...maybe. And that maybe was what made me answer the way I did. 

"Sure...let's give this a try." I smiled. 

"I was hoping you'd say that." He smiled back. 

"You're going to have a killer hangover tomorrow..." He said as he sat back on the couch and I cuddled with him. 

"Don't remind me." I said as he began stroking my head and I closed my eyes. 

***

I didn't see John for nearly a week after my talk with Harry. I did, however, see Harry almost every day after that. We genuinely did what any couple that is dating does. We went to the movies, went out to dinner, went to the bar...all while being documented by the media. It became very clear to me that I had walked back into a life I had so desperately tried to get away from. I convinced myself that there was no way to avoid it...the fact remained that John Lennon was Elise's father and because of that fact, there was no way to live a non-public life. The best I could do was try to keep what I could of my life and Elise's life as private as possible. That meant no interviews and no mental breakdowns with reporters. Once again, I avoided gossip magazines and changed the channel when news of Harry and me hit the TV or radio. I wasn't interested in hearing what the media had to say about me. I had crossed that road before and the less I knew the better. 

That Friday, Emma asked if she and Franz could take Elise to the circus; I was more than happy to oblige, wanting some time to get my own apartment in order. Ever since we had moved and stayed with my parents, my apartment had not been tended to and needed to get a thorough cleaning. I was more than happy to have my little one out of there and enjoying her time with her aunt and uncle. At around 7pm, I heard a knock on the door. I smiled as I saw Harry standing there with flowers. We hadn't made any plans to see each other that night, so it was a nice surprise.

"Thanks...they're beautiful." I said as I brought them up to smell them. "Come on in." I said as I took the bouquet into the kitchen to put them in water. 

"Where's Elise?" Harry asked. 

"Emma and Franz took her to the circus." I replied.

Harry followed me into the kitchen and as I was filling a vase with water, I felt him stand behind me and put his hands on my waist. "You're looking gorgeous tonight." he whispered into my ear. 

I laughed. "I've been doing chores all afternoon." I responded. 

"All work and no play?"

"Mmmhmmm." I said turning around to face him and putting my hands around his neck. 

"Well...looks like we'll just have to change that." Harry again whispered into my ear before he started nuzzling my neck. 

"I like the sound of that." I moaned as he began kissing my neck. 

Our carefree make out session soon developed into a more passionate affair. I found myself being lifted onto the kitchen counter while everything that was in the way was carelessly shoved aside, including the flowers I had just received. It was apparent our carnal desire was getting the best of us. We were both breathing hard and by this time our clothes were rapidly being mangled and Harry had managed to climb onto the counter with me. As if fate was playing a terrible game with us, we suddenly heard a knock on the door. I reluctantly stopped what we were in the middle of. 

"Let them knock." Harry moaned. 

"It might be Emma and Franz dropping off Elise. I have to answer it." I said nudging him off and straightening out my clothes and hair. Harry began straightening himself out and quickly excused himself into the bathroom. It was evident he wouldn't feel comfortable receiving Emma, Franz and especially Elise in his current state. 

I looked quickly into the mirror close to the door. My hair was patted down and my clothes were rearranged, but it was evident I was flustered. I heard the knock again. "Coming." I said as I realized there was nothing I could do about that now. 

I expected to see Emma and Franz with Elise standing outside my door, but instead I saw none other than John. 

"Expecting someone else?" John asked noticing my surprised look. 

"Yeah...Emma and Franz. They took Elise to the circus." I said as I let him in. "What are you doing here?" I asked abruptly. 

"I wanted to talk to you about...Elise." John trailed off as he saw Harry come out of the bathroom. 

"Hey John." Harry greeted him casually. 

"Hi...did I interrupt something?" John responded just as casually as Harry. 

"No." I said quickly. I guess I said that a little too fast because I saw Harry's expression change. I immediately regretted opening my mouth.

"No." Harry repeated. "I was just leaving." He said rather coldly as he headed to the door. I caught up to him just as he was stepping out. "Harry...wait...."

He looked at me, clearly upset. 

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean for it to..." 

"I'm just going to go now. Clearly, John didn't interrupt anything of importance to you." 

"Don't take it like that...please." I pleaded. 

"I'll see you later." Harry said as he walked away. 

I stood there...not knowing whether to go after him or let him cool off. I opted for the latter, knowing Harry was in no mood to talk with me right now. 

"Something wrong?" John asked pretending to show concern.

I glared at him, knowing very well he had enjoyed witnessing what had just transpired between Harry and me. 

"What do you want?" I asked as I shut the door behind me.

"It's good to see you too, Mirel." John said sarcastically. 

"Can't say the same for me." I responded. "Did you come here just so you could cause problems between Harry and me?" I said as I walked past John and sat down at the dining room table. 

"I didn't even know Harry was here..." John said defensively walking towards me.. 

"Right...just like I didn't know you fuckin' told Harry what had happened between you and me!" I retorted angrily. 

John looked a bit surprised. 

"Yes...I know you told him...you're such an asshole John. But your little plan didn't work. Harry didn't care!"

"Is that what he told you? Ha! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell he cared, Mirel...he cared enough to walk away from you right now because I showed up."

"He didn’t leave because of you!" 

"Yeah...he left because you didn't tell me to leave. I would be upset too if the girl I was about to fuck didn't tell the bastard that just cock blocked me to get the bloody hell outta here." John remarked. 

I was livid. "Fuck you, Lennon!" I yelled at him as I got up and tried to slap him. But he grabbed both my wrists before I could make contact with him. He turned me around and pinned me against the kitchen counter. 

"Now now...let's not get too feisty, luv" John chuckled. 

John looked around the mess in the kitchen. The flowers and vase had flown into the kitchen sink along with the salt and pepper shakers, the napkin holder, a few kitchen towels and a candle. 

"You always did like to do it in the kitchen." John smiled. 

"Shut up!" I said with clenched teeth as I struggled to get out of his grasp. 

"No wonder Harry was so upset with you...you little tease...getting him all roused up only to send him home with a stiff dick and only his hand to finish himself off."

"You are such a bastard...what do you want? And let go of me!" I yelped as I managed to free my hands. 

"Hey Hey....where do you think you're going?" John said as he grabbed my waist when I tried to walk away. 

John was becoming increasingly annoying, but because he wasn't drunk, I knew I could handle him. His quick tongue and sarcasm was a force to reckon with, but the fact that there was no alcohol present made it a fair fight...or so I thought.

"Away from you." I said coldly. 

"I was thinking maybe we could continue where you and Harry left off. I mean the place has already been cleared off for us." John smiled

"You must be crazy!" 

"More like horny, luv...just picturing you on this countertop...fuck, we had some good times in the kitchen..." John said. 

I was well aware of how aroused John was getting...standing so close to him, I could feel his erection and quickly glanced down. 

He took notice of it, although I had tried to hide the fact. 

"Oh...does this bother you?" John said mockingly. 

I gasped as he abruptly lifted me onto the counter. He placed his hands on my thighs and began to lightly run them up and down, casually lifting my dress up inches at a time. 

"Stop." I said as I put my hands on his. I had meant for it to come out as a firm command, but instead it came out as a weak plea. This was getting dangerous. I had been extremely turned on with Harry and I had unexpectedly been interrupted by the knock on the door. The buildup that was caused by our groping session had lessened, but was not completely gone. A few caresses by John, and I had started to feel the desire again. I knew it wasn't right...minutes prior I had been yearning for Harry and now I was aching for John. He wasn't playing fair. John knew exactly what turned me on. He had seen my flustered face when I had opened the door and knew exactly what Harry and I were doing when he interrupted us. He also knew he could get me off...he had done it so many times before. I was playing with fire....the more I asked for him to stop, the more I wanted him to continue...and he knew that. I tried to fight it...I tried to regain my composure. I wanted to run away from him, but what he was doing to me felt so good. His touch was driving me wild. I couldn't believe what this man could do with just his hands. 

All it took was a few minutes before John had me yelling out in pleasure. My orgasm was so intense I was quivering in John's arms, my head nuzzled against his chest, while he stroked my hair. He was obviously proud of his accomplishment and although I had obviously enjoyed the event tremendously, I couldn't help but feel embarrassed once the high had subsided. I left my head pressed against his chest simply to avoid having to look at him. It wasn't until the uncomfortable position of sitting on the countertop with my head burrowed against John's chest got to be too much on my increasing aching lumbar area that I pulled away. I could hardly look at him...feeling ashamed while he stood there, boasting with pride. 

"Did you enjoy it?" He asked smiling. 

I looked at him sheepishly. "You knew the answer even before asking the question." I responded. 

"I want to hear you say it."

"Yes." I said softly. 

John raised my face to look at him. 

"I know you loved it by the way you fell into my arms after you climaxed...but the way you're looking at me now, you'd think I had done something horrible to you." John said gently.

"Didn't you?" I said defeated. 

"No. As far as I know, there was nothing horrible about what just happened here." He answered with a confused look on his face. 

"What am I doing John? Why do I keep doing this to Harry?...I'm dating HIM...you and I....this shouldn't have happened...not again...not ever again." I said bringing my head into my hands. 

"Is that what this is all about? Do you think you cheated on him with me?" he said half laughing. 

"Well yes!" I quickly looked at him. 

"Aww...luv...you didn't cheat on Harry...this is no different than what he had to do to get rid of that boner you left him with...I just lent you a hand." he winked. 

"Literally." I added.

John laughed. 

"John this is not funny!" I said trying not to smile, but failing miserably. 

"No...seriously John. This is wrong and what's worse is that now..." I said stopping myself half sentence. 

"Now what?" he urged. 

"Well..." I started reluctantly. "...you can use this against me." I finished. 

He looked a little hurt when I said it, but what else was I supposed to think? He had blackmailed me before and had actually told Harry about us sleeping with each other. This was even worse because now Harry and I had actually been dating.

He relaxed a few seconds later though and smiled. 

"Mirel...just take this as an apology for me having dropped by unannounced. I couldn't very well leave here with you all hot and bothered. I'd feel terrible knowing I prevented you from reaching climax...so I just had to get you off..." He said. " ...and finish what Harry started."

That last statement gave me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The reality of what had just happened hit me. I had started out the night with Harry and finished it with John...or more like John had finished me, I didn't feel very proud at all of what had gone on. Right now more than ever I felt like I had just been passed around from Harry to John...

"And just to prove this was a sincere apology, I'm not even going to ask you to return the favor." John said. 

As he stepped away, I noticed the bulge in his pants was still quite prominent. 

"Don't worry...it won't be the first time I'll have to wank myself because of you...it won't be nearly as pleasurable as getting the real thing, but it'll get the job done." he winked. 

I sat there, not knowing what to say. 

"I'm going to go now." John finally said. 

I nodded. 

"And don't worry...Harry won't find out about this...at least not from me. I promise." John said before kissing my forehead and heading to the door. 

As he opened the door, I remembered why he had initially said he had come by. 

"You said you wanted to talk about Elise!" I blurted out. 

He chuckled. "Yeah...but I can't talk about her when I have this going on." He motioned to his bottom half. "One thing at a time, luv. We'll chat soon." John said as he walked out. 

****

The next couple of days were spent thinking about what I had done with John...or let John do to me. Could that be classified as cheating? Technically I hadn't done anything WITH John. We hadn't even kissed, but it was hard not to put what he had done and the results of his doing into the same category as cheating. I hadn't seen Harry since that night. I didn't know what I would say to him...how could I tell him that the night we had *almost* had sex for the first time, I let John finish me off? That idea made me feel sick to my stomach...what kind of woman was I becoming? 

I had tried to call Harry but he was always "on his way out" or "busy" or "couldn't talk right now." I took it as a hint that he didn't want to or wasn't ready to talk to me. After a few days of not hearing back from Harry, I decided to go to the beach house.

May answered the door, obviously surprised to see me, especially since Elise was not with me. 

"John is at the studio" she said as soon as she saw me. 

"Oh…well I'm not here to see John. Is Harry here?" I asked smiling. 

"Oh!...umm yeah, he's here." She said as she opened the door wider and motioned for me to come in. 

"Thanks." 

"How's Elise?" May asked. 

"She's doing great. Thanks! She enjoys the time she gets to spend with John very much." 

"I'm sure she'll miss him now that we're heading back to New York." 

That last statement caught me completely off guard. 

"You're heading back to New York? When?" I questioned. 

"Oh dear..." she mumbled, realizing that I had no idea they would be heading back. She stayed quiet for a few seconds.

"May? When are you all heading back to New York?" I repeated. 

"Um...John hasn't told you?"

"No." 

"In a couple of weeks was what he told me."

"How long ago did he tell you about this?"

"Not long ago...maybe a few days or so." she confirmed. 

I immediately thought back to the night John had shown up at my apartment. He must have been there to tell me about that. 

"I didn't know." I simply said. 

May didn't know what else to tell me. "I'm sure he was going to tell you next time he saw you." she said obviously justifying John. 

"Is Harry in his room?" 

She nodded. 

"Thanks May." 

I knocked on Harry's door and once again, a surprised look greeted me. 

"Mirel...what are you doing here?"

"Well, I figured since you wouldn't answer my phone calls, I'd stop by and see you. How's it going?" I said as I came in and shut the door behind me. 

"It's coming along." Harry said as he laid back down in his bed. The room had a very potent smell of pot and I could see the evidence on his night stand. 

"So why haven't you returned my phone calls?" I questioned.

Silence. 

"Are you still upset with me?" I asked. 

"Nah." He simply said. 

There was a minute of silence before I finally broke it. 

"So...when were you planning on telling me you guys are going to New York?" I asked. 

"I wasn't. I figured John already had." He said. 

"Well he didn't. And I would think you'd at least mention it to me...." 

"Why bother, Mirel?" 

"What's your fuckin' problem?" I finally snapped. 

Harry sat up, clearly trying to hold back, but failing miserably. 

"You...you and John are what my fuckin' problem is!" He yelled. "You don't think I noticed? You don't think I realized that your response the other night was clear as water? Whenever you're faced with a choice, you will always pick John!" he answered angrily. 

"That's not true!" I responded defensively.

"You can try to deny it to yourself...but I know the truth." He said finally calming down. “Look...why kid ourselves...this thing between us...it's just not going to happen. There's just too much baggage."

I didn't know what to say.

"And as your friend, let me tell you something. Whatever you think you have with John or can possibly have with him...it's not going to happen." 

"You have no idea what you're talking about. John is just my friend...the father of my child. Nothing more." I lied through my teeth. 

"He'll never leave Yoko. I promise you that. Not for May...not for you." 

"I'd never ask him to." I responded. 

"Even if you did." 

Harry's words were hurtful...they hurt me because they were true. As much as I wanted to deny it, I did wish to have what I had with John again...and Harry knew that. 

We didn't say anything for a few minutes. 

"I'm sorry Harry. I didn't mean to hurt you." I said softly. 

He sighed and lifted himself off the bed. He walked over to me and sat down next to me on the floor. 

"I know you didn't. I guess I thought it'd be fine if you and I were together...but I guess it's just too weird. All of us being friends and all the history you two have. It's a strange mix...and if we keep it up, it's bound to cause problems."

"I tried...you're such a great guy...you've been nothing but nice to me."

He chuckled a little. "You can't force it, Mirel."

"I'm so naive...to think that just because John showed back up in my life, that things between him and I could go back to the way things used to be. Nothing's changed since I last saw him. He still isn't in love with me." I finally said. 

For the first time I had admitted my feelings for John not only to me, but to someone else. I just couldn't understand why, out of everyone, it had been Harry. 

"Be honest with me. Do you still love him?" 

"I don't think I ever stopped loving him. He left me, Harry...I never left him. I just adjusted to life without John. I tried to convince myself that John was nothing more than a friend...that my feelings had changed to just a friendly love...but both of us know that's not true. As long as John wasn't present in my life, I was okay...living my lie...but the minute he came back into my life...well, I couldn't pretend anymore. My feelings for John never went away....and I've set myself up for heartbreak one more time." I sighed sadly. 

Harry hugged me. Here I was confessing my feelings for another man to him...

"I'm sorry...I probably shouldn't be telling you this." I said. 

"I already knew. I could tell you weren't over John..."

"How?" 

"Because you couldn't commit yourself to me....and the way you look at him...not many men are given the honor to be looked at by a woman the way you look at him."

"Do you think John knows?"

Harry thought about it. "I don't know...but what I do know is that he doesn't like it that you and I were together. You won't believe it, but sometimes men are completely clueless and have no idea when a woman is interested...but then we assume they should know that we're interested." he smiled. 

"Ain't that the truth." I laughed. 

After about half an hour, I got up. "I should probably go." 

"You don't want to wait for John?" 

"No...I'm just going to head home."

"Are you okay?" 

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks for everything Harry...and sorry for breaking down on you like that..."

"It happens to everyone...don't worry about it." He said as he hugged me. It felt nice to be in his arms...but the truth was that I wished it were John's arms that were holding me. 

"I'll see you around...don't leave without saying goodbye to me, okay?" I said as I opened the door. 

"Of course not...see you Mirel." 

I drove home that night thinking about what May had told me...John was really going to be leaving...he would be going back to New York...and now what? I had mixed emotions during the long trip, I cursed myself for letting John back into my life, I cried when I thought of him leaving...I felt nervous about the future this held for Elise. What was I going to tell my little girl? How could I tell her that her dad would be leaving? That was the hardest thing...but John didn't live in LA...his home was in New York...

***

"Mirel...John's here to see you." I heard my mom call out to me.

I walked into the living room to see Elise in John's arms. He was whispering something to her; whatever John was telling her was something Elise thought was funny. She giggled and squirmed in his arms. 

"Hi John." I said. He looked up and smiled. 

"Hey Mirel." 

He set Elise down and told her he needed to talk to me first and then he'd go and play with her. 

She was content with that; mom took her by the hand and led her to the kitchen. 

"How are you?" I asked. 

"I'm alright...you doing okay? Do you mind if we talk outside?" John asked as he pointed to the back door. 

"Uhh...sure." I already knew what this was about so I was sure he didn't want Elise to know just yet. 

"What's on your mind?" I asked sitting down on the patio chairs. 

"A few things I need to talk to you about." John said. I could tell he was a little nervous. 

"Okay...what's up?" I said trying to sound casual.

"Well..." John started as he reached into his pant pocket. He pulled out a piece of folded paper.

"Here." He said handing it to me. 

"What's this?" I asked as I began opening it. 

"It's a bank account I opened...for you and Elise." 

I looked up at him, not having even opened the paper. 

"Why?" I uttered surprised. 

"Because…you deserve it. You've had to deal with raising Elise all on your own since she was born. It's the least I can do for my daughter...and for you. And every month you'll be receiving money...to help with everything Elise needs." John said. 

"This isn’t necessary John. She doesn't need anything...she's got all she needs now." 

"Please Mirel...just..please, take it. If she and you don't need it now, then save it for the future..."

John was obviously prepping for what he was going to tell me. 

"Okay." I said without even looking at the paper. 

John smiled but starting fidgeting. He sat down in front of me and took a deep breath. 

"The other thing I needed to talk to you about was...I've decided to go back to New York." 

There. He had said it. It was true...straight from John's mouth. 

"Oh...well...I guess it was bound to happen...one day." I heard myself answer. 

"It's just that...well I need to get Harry's album finished...and...I need to work on my own music too." 

I couldn't help but smile when John said he wanted to get back to his music.

"I'm so glad you want to work on your music..."

And I was happy for him...but the idea of John leaving Los Angeles was not something I was prepared for. Even though May had told me, I was still hopeful John would change his mind. 

"But I don't want to leave Elise and you here."

I took in a deep breath. "We knew eventually this would happen...you would move away...and Elise..." I trailed off. 

"I'm not abandoning her." John was quick to say. "I can come visit her...often...and you and her can go see me too!" 

I didn't say anything. 

"You don't think I'd do that?"

"When was the last time you saw Julian?" I asked. 

"That's different. It's harder...with my immigration status I can't travel out of the US." 

"You're right." I simply said. 

"Hey...I'll come back to visit. I promise." 

I tried to smile and nodded. 

"Mirel..you know I'm going to miss you...you know that...and if you could come with m--"

"That's impossible." I interrupted him. 

"...if you could come, I'd want you to...but I knew you would say that. I understand you have a life here and can't just pick up and go..." 

"But you can..."I heard myself say. I didn't mean to say it out loud..and I actually regretted it the instant that it came out. 

"It's not like that...it's just that...in the past few days, it was like a switch came on, you know? I need to be productive with my music. I've been living in this...chaotic muddle for too long...I miss the music." 

It had been a long time since I had seen John so excited about his music. It was weird. It was like a switch had indeed gone off inside him. Since I had seen him again he hadn't mentioned anything about recording an album of his own music. We had only talked about Harry's album. Apart from the jamming sessions at the beach house, I had witnessed the recording session when Paul showed up at the studio...and well that wasn't exactly what I had expected. He was excited...ready to work and it made me happy to see him like that.

"Go." I said smiling. "We'll make it work...you can come visit Elise and we can go to New York whenever possible." I finally said. 

"Thanks for understanding, luv." 

"John." I said. "Please don't break your promise. This is important for Elise. I can't bear the thought of her hurting because of you. I can protect her from the press and the media...but I can't protect her from you." 

"Mirel...I won't hurt Elise. Believe me." 

I looked at John and silently prayed that what he was telling me was true.