Dear diary, daisy count: 3, I hate the way Mouse ignores our fights, even though it's the easier way. Yesterday morning, after cuddling up into my arms the night before, he woke up, faked a smile and pretended everything was alright. At first I was hesitant, but I decided to play along because I don't want to hurt him anymore. We split the little money we have left into half and ate at a convenience store, even though we know it's not that good for our health. When you're hungry and lost, you could survive on small and cheap meals like those. We even found scissors and cut off our hospital ward bracelets to not seem suspicious to the people around us. I still feel some anxiety walking on the streets in broad daylight but then Mouse holds my hand and it calms me down, even though it's not as genuine as it used to be. When the sun shines and the day is passing with us, we feel okay. We don't cross a line, regardless of our frustrated and suppressed feelings. Because of that, days pass smoothly. It's the nights that are most troubling. Nights that require whispers and quiet writing like this one.

I'm writing right now as I'm looking at Mouse's peaceful and bare figure, looking all innocent and softly asleep, that's in the biggest contrast from his bursts of anger and his raised tone. Seeing his soft skin covered by the blanket as he's softly sleeping is a sight that shouldn't ever end. Unfortunately, lack of affection makes you say and do stuff that you regret. Stuff that ends up hurting someone you love the most in this world. But saying that, is it love itself that's being so selfish? Is love the cause you hurt people or is it actually hate that is manipulating love to hide the pure hatred followed by bad decisions? Love or hate, they're very similar things. A thin line between them drives us all insane. I know it drove him already insane. Every night keeps getting worse and worse. This one had twists and turns but midway through it turned into passion. Something both of us never expected. But when all that burning passion burned out, all we had left were 3rd degree burns that every touch produced.

(One hour ago)

"STOP SAYING THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE!" I yelled at him, feeling the peek of my frustration. Our faces were millimeters away from each other as we sat in the back seat, where most of our fights and make ups happen. "Well, what do you want me to do?! To keep arguing with you, knowing it doesn't take us anywhere?!" He scoffed in disbelief. "Then don't argue with me! Why do you always have to pick a fight, Taehyung?! I didn't do a goddamn thing!" I yelled out, feeling sadness wash over me. I turned my head away, trying to compose myself to not cry. "Don't fucking cry, dahyun I hate that. Just don't." He spoke as he cupped my cheeks, making me look at him.

I felt my eyes water and my lip slightly quiver. "No! Stop doing that! I can't stand it!" He raised his voice, leaning his forehead against mine. "You keep acting like you hate me and I can't live like that, Mouse." My voice broke as I felt a tear roll down my cheek. "Don't cry!" His voice broke as he tried desperately to stroke my hair to calm me down. "Mouse. Maybe all of this wasn't a good idea." I whispered, hating every word I let out. He suddenly pulled away, furrowing his eyebrows all over again. "Don't say that!" He raised his voice and continued. "I know for a fact you'd rather be here than drugged right now! Don't fucking say that just to get back at me." He spoke as he shook his head. "What?! I'm not getting back at you! Why do you think I'd hurt you?!" I raised my voice too, my tears turning to frustration. "Because that's you! You can't ever change that!" He blurted out. "What?" I spoke, raising an eyebrow at him as my mouth parted open in disbelief. "Oh c'mon! You were like that to everyone! What makes me so special that you never want to hurt me?!" He yelled out, sticking a finger into his own chest. "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, YOU FUCKING IDIOT." I yelled at him, shaking my head in feeling shock and disappointment. "BUT YOU HURT ME MANY TIMES BEFORE,DAHYUN!" His raised tone matched with mine almost perfectly. "AND NOW YOU WANT TO HURT ME BECAUSE I SAID SOMETHING THAT MY MIND COULDN'T CONTROL? You knew I am bipolar, Taehyung! Why would you ever get involved with me then!?" I yelled out, feeling his lips almost brush off against mine.

The closeness between us made us snap out ever more. "WELL, I LOVE YOU TOO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" He answered by raising his voice as he accidentally brushed his lips against mine. Feeling our passionate fight take its toll on us, we crashed our lips together. We kissed roughly, not being able to control the kiss or use any technique. "I hate it when you do that shit to me." I spoke into his neck as he pulled me onto himself, making me straddle him. "Fucking stop doing that. Stop arguing with me." I said , This time you couldn't, swallow your pride that it causing you to slap him across the face, "i wish i never met you" Taehyung's entire face crumples into tears and shame as he looks at the floor, completely humiliated by the burning sensation on his cheek. He can feel that it's split, and he doesn't know what to do other than bow his head and whisper his apology, "I'm  sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. If you still want me around, I'll take the time off. I'll take as long as you want. Just... Just please don't hit me again," Taehyung tells me, lifting his face up to look into your eyes with his final words. My heart shatters as i look at his broken expression, and the true realisation of what you did hits you like a ton of bricks.

 I slipped off my thoughts and sat next to him as I picked up a blanket to not get cold. I put on his grey t-shirt without permission as he plopped down and laid on the pillow. We spent some time in silence as I noticed him just staring at each other.

"Dahyun." He spoke as I ignored him, pretending to be looking for something. "Hey, dah." He spoke softly and positioned himself to rest on his elbow as his soft fingers guided my chin to look at him. I looked into his eyes and felt him press a kiss onto my lips. "I'm sorry. I can't stand seeing you cry." He spoke and left kisses onto my neck as I kept numbly staring at the outside from the car window. The moment felt quite...empty, even though I knew I could never admit that to Mouse. We never had our passion go south to such an extent. With every kiss he left I began feeling more numb, tears completely retracting inside my eyes as I wasn't able to react. It wasn't the after-bliss moment from reaching a limit, it was much more of frustration that was suppressed inside of me. And I knew Mouse was faking it, no man could be so calm after bursting out because of all the pressure he felt. And the fight didn't solve it at all. It only got more complicated, leaving us feeling numb.

He stared into my eyes, kissing my lips softly as I barely let my lips get involved. "I love you, dahyun. You still want to talk to me whenever you feel bad, right?" He spoke, kissing my forehead softly. Something inside of me died upon hearing his question. Something that actually hated the thought of me writing a diary instead of talking to Taehyung. I used to talk to him all the time. About so many things that bothered me less than they do now. After all of this stress, a part of me doesn't want to speak up mainly because I don't want to put even more pressure on him, and a part just doesn't feel like it's how it used to be.

I tolerate his bursts of anger due to some extent, because I do understand him. A simple mistake that would makes us recognizable would mean they catch us, and catch him. The thought about Taehyung going to prison made my heart clench and my blood rush with fear, and I know he feels the same way too. Regardless of the guilt that's been built inside of him and telling him he doesn't deserve anything better but a prison, he still has some hope left. Hope that maybe one day he could understand what he did, knowing full well he would never be able to forgive himself. Many times he kept telling me that I play a big role in helping him understand it, but lately, I don't think that's the case.

"Yeah." I lied, trying to maintain eye contact. I kissed his cheeks to make him distracted. He was hesitant at first as he was analyzing my actions. He couldn't help himself once he felt me finally kiss him, so he melted into the kiss very easily, letting my words pass as believable. "C'mon, let's go to sleep." I tried to shrug off the situation quickly as I laid down, leaving some space behind me for him to lay down. he snuggled close to me, placing his head onto the pillow. "You okay? Your heart's kind of speeding up." I asked him once feeling his loud heartbeat against my back. "I'm good." He breathed out. "Are you feeling your phobia kick in again even though it's me?" I asked, kind of keeping my distance until he answered. "N-no. I'm good." He repeated and pulled me closer.

And I could only hope he was telling the truth. And with that hope, it brings us to right now. That kind of hope couldn't make me peacefully fall asleep. It was more of a plead than a hope, pleading to heavens he wouldn't get bad again. Feeling a lot of guilt as I stared over his peaceful sleeping figure, I began writing.

my dear diary, I have these thoughts and plausible solutions to our fights. Maybe if we ran into a field of daisies, all our tensions would be gone. Maybe Taehyung would be so happy he wouldn't need anything else but the daisies and me by his side. I hope we're going to find that field soon. And take all of the daisies with us, even if we fill the entire car with them.