Trigger Warning: Alden (I know some people really don't like him), heavy mention of mindbreak, regret, life altering mistakes, self blame, death, b*stard (not said as a bad name but to define Wylie as fatherless) followed by orphan, heavy mention of Sophie being the Black Swan's genetic experiment, brief mentions of God, and definitely more. Read at your own risk.

Note: Alright, so this is a reeeeally long one. (over 5000 words)

It takes place during Exile, and is all about Alden's guilt over Prentice, and Della clinging to him and him needing her too, trying to stick around for his family but failing and them not giving up on him.

It's based on the song Without You by For King and Country, because that is a amazing song in my opinion that fits the situation perfectly.

Again, I definitely drew some inspiration from completekeefitztrash (they wrote a songfic oneshot where they used the lyrics sort of like chapters, and I thought it was really neat). Their oneshot book is better then mine ever could be, and they have more chapters then I probably ever will! <33

Also some of the dialog between characters is taken from what Shannon Messenger wrote in Exile, but I've tried to change what I can!!

ALSOOO I'M SUPER SORRY THAT I DIDN'T WRITE FINTAN'S MINDBREAK—BUT it's there in exile, chapters twenty-four and twenty-five, and basically Alden ends up trying to go back into Fintan's mind to try and find SOMETHING so that the mindbreak isn't in vain, collapsing because Fintan's mind shattered, hitting his head, and Sophie goes into Alden's head and finds a little "nook" and she is able to bring him back from losing himself (just in case you don't remember <3), but I didn't include it because I felt like the oneshot is long enough without that.

Enjoooy!

. . .

A couple days before taking Sophie to Exile
I. What do you do when you don't get better?

Alden held his head in his hands, elbows resting on the mess of papers cluttering his desk. He'd clean it all up later, organize the stray papers into their correct folders, lock away what needed to be locked away. But right now he wasn't feeling up for it.

   He was going to take Sophie to Exile. She had to be his guide. It had to be her.

   Her, the elvin girl that Fitz had found living among humans. The girl that he'd illegally searched for after finding a DNA strand in Prentice Endal's mind, the only positive result of that mindbreak.

   And the negative outcomes seemed to outweigh that by far.

   What had he told Prentice? "No reason to worry, I'll keep your family safe"? Something like that. But he hadn't.

   Cyrah had a light leaping accident—and granted, Alden likely couldn't have prevented that, given that she'd hated him after he had arrested her husband and ended up shattering his mind, leaving her a widow and her son a bastard, now a orphan. But he hadn't been able to tell her how sorry he was.

   And now he was going to take the person Prentice sacrificed everything to keep safe to the most disturbing place on earth.

   He would do everything he could to keep her safe, but Sophie had a lot of questions—understandably so—and not enough answers. And the ones Alden could provide were not easy ones to hear, and he wasn't sure how ready she was for them.

   Of course, she was a very strong girl. She had proved that to everyone when she'd pulled herself back while fading away. She was a warrior who wouldn't be easily broken, a product of the Black Swan, made to be their prize fighter, their secret weapon, their war winning experiment.

   But war with who?

   And why should a twelve year old have to have that heavy a responsibility?

   But there wasn't anything he could do.

   Except take the moonlark as his guide to Fintan's mindbreak, and try time and time again to remind himself that it was Prentice who refused to give him anything. Who refused to defend the Black Swan so he could protect his family himself. Who thought that protecting this moonlark, for whatever reason, was worth losing it all.

   Alden just so happened to be the one looking into the rebellion for the council. He just so happened to have been the unlucky emissary who made a impossible promise in a bleak situation.

At Exile, after Fintan's mindbreak
II. Strong arms get too weak to hold her

Alden stopped when Sophie did, turning to her anxiously.

   "What's wrong? Are you.." he paused, following her gaze to the glowing letters that spelled out, Prentice Endal.

   He knew he paled, and not from his head injury.

   Alden knew he should pull her away, take Sophie to the surface, insist that she not bother thinking about the Endal situation. He felt guilty for the mindbreak, but Sophie could easily feel guilty for being the thing he was protecting—and while she had a very unique mind, no elf was strong enough to reject the strong pull of shattering guilt when they indulged it. And most elves were trained to ignore guilt, but Sophie had been raised with humans, and often humans foolishly entertained self pity, guilt, grief, regret and /or depression.

   But he couldn't push away his want to see him again. So when Sophie took a slow step forward, he did too, both of them looking at the sole occupant of the padded cell.

   It was even more difficult to see him then Alden had thought it would be.

   He was sitting hunched over, wearing a filthy, tangled straightjacket. He babbled nonsense and his dark skin was disgusting with sweat.

   Alden wished more then ever that he could fix it.

   "He didn't deserve this," Alden admitted, "I shouldn't have let.." his voice cracked, but he couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence anyway.

   I shouldn't have let the council know.

   "Why didn't you tell me the truth? I would've understood!" he shouted at the useless prisoner.

   No response. He hadn't expected one, but it just drove his guilt even deeper.

   Too late, he saw Sophie pressing her hands to the glass.

   "What are you doing?" he asked quickly, even though he already knew the answer.

   When Sophie didn't respond, he screamed, "Don't!", but it was too late. She was in Prentice's shattered mind already, which meant he had very little time—if any—to pull her out before her mind shattered too.

   He tried to pull her away, but she just fell limp into his arms. He tried to shake her, to tap her face, to call her name—nothing worked, and her face was twisted in agony from whatever she was experiencing in Prentice's mind.

   He decided to carry her to the Room Where Chances Are Lost, hoping that if he put enough distance between her and the cell, she'd come back—even though he knew it was such a weak hope if she'd managed to transmit halfway across the world to his son while in the middle of fading.

   Still he had to try, and when she finally woke up with a gasp, he was so relieved. He felt like he might cry, but instead he shouted, "Don't you ever do that again!"

After Sophie tells him about seeing the girl with a black swan
III. Oh God, give me just enough strength to make it though

Alden's head hurt so bad. Did Prentice posses a strong enough mind to maintain somewhat coherent thought, even with a shattered mind? What had Alden done? What kind of life had Alden sentenced him to?

   He massaged his temples, wincing, but he needed some form of relief from the growing headache. He knew he shouldn't, and that this question would only add to his list of mistakes for the day, but he had to ask, "Did you see anything else?"

   "Nothing that made sense. It was all such a jumble of images. The only other thing I really recognized was you." she said slowly.

   "Me?" he asked, taken aback and glad that he didn't stutter.

   "Well, I'm pretty sure it was you. I saw a face with teal jewels for eyes. It leaned in to stare at me, and then it whispered 'No reason to worry.'"

   The promise that Alden most regretted.

   Prentice actually...he..

   Alden felt sick.

   "Th-That was the last thing I said to him. Before the break. He begged me to make sure his family stayed safe and I promised he'd have no.." Alden couldn't finish as his body began to tremble. He couldn't think about what that meant...but he also couldn't not think about it. "He remembers. I can't believe—I never thought he—I—"

   The pain in his head expanded and grew in vicious anger, something eating at everything that was there.

   He grabbed his head tightly, barely aware of the tortured groan that clawed it's way out.

   "What's wrong?" Sophie asked anxiously as he fell to the ground.

   "My head," he forced out before falling prey to the darkness.

   His last conscious thought was, I've failed.

. . .

And then, something happened and he woke up, gasping and coughing as he forced breath into his lungs, holding his head as he took in his surroundings, especially Sophie's pale, panicked and relieved face.

   "What happened?" he asked between his labored breaths.

   "I don't know—you just collapsed and you wouldn't wake up." she cried.

   All of Alden's memories of the day rushed back and he quickly fumbled to find the magsidian pendant.

   "Oh, Sophie, I'm so sorry. I thought...I don't even know," he held the magsidian up to his balefire necklace, "Let me get us out of here."

   He spun the balefire crystal to the correct facet and touched the magsidian to it, the black material flashing a bright beam of light to the ground.

   He and Sophie rolled into the light, taking them out of the dark prison.

   And he could only think about how close he came to never seeing his family again.

Later that night, after the Vacker family is in bed
IV. Sleepless this madness is walking me out to the ledge

Alden tossed and turned, kicking off his side of the covers, then pulling them back carefully, trying not to wake up Della.

   Della. His beautiful wife. The perfect mother to their three children. Strong, formidable, lovable, confident. There wasn't anything about her that made him regret marrying her, even those times when she spied on his projects for the council.

   He'd waited over a hundred years to settle down, focusing instead on his emissary work, but when he'd seen Della's name on one of his match lists...when he'd met her...something in him just knew.

   And I came so close to never holding her again. I—I almost lost her like Cyrah lost..

   That was it. He sat up and swung his legs out of bed, stepping out onto the balcony.

   The cool air felt good on his overheating face and he sucked in a breath, looking at the stars, and the Everglen gardens, woods, landscape.

   It was all so beautiful. Everglen was the most beautiful place in the world he was sure, but after Exile even a tiny human yard would look like heaven.

A few minutes of silent thinking later
V. She stands there beside me, shivering out on the edge

A arm wrapped around him from behind as Della came out to stand by him, wrapping a robe around herself, but it did little to stop her shivering. He glanced at her.

   "You're cold."

   "I'm worried." she corrected, looking up at him with her pale blue eyes—eyes that only their oldest, Alvar, had inherited—that the moon lit up, illuminating her fear.

   "I'm fine, there's no reason to be worried." Alden said softly, trying to reassure both of them of that. He truly was so lucky that Sophie had been there—no other guide could have found him both times that he had lost himself.

   "We both know that's not true."

   Her words hung in the air, running in circles through both of their heads. After a couple minutes, her arm dropped from hugging him and she let her fingers mingle with his as she turned to look at him, keeping very little space between them, but enough that the cold air could seep into his tunic, freezing where she'd just moved from.

   "Please, Alden—just tell me what happened." she pleaded.

   "I-I can't. Please. Just trust me," he begged, knowing that if he thought any more about Prentice—if he talked about how he almost lost himself—even with Della, his mind might break. Permanently.

When he asks her to trust him
VI. And oh God, all I ask is a little relief...just a moment of peace..

Della's eyes seemed to want to probe as her body blinked with her next few breaths, but she gave it up, turning her head to look at the yard instead. Alden did the same, pulling her to his chest.

   "I'm so scared, Alden," she admitted in a whisper, "I'm not as clueless as our children, or as you might think. I-I...I don't want to live without you...I'm not ready to live without you."

   At this admission, he wrapped both of his arms around her and she wrapped hers around him as well. He thought back to the way that Prentice remembered his promise, and Sophie's theory that Prentice still had a little bit of awareness hidden away in his jumbled madness. That thought terrified him even more. That he could shatter, but possibly keep a small portion of his memories with his family, but be unable to do anything to see them again.

   "Hey, Della, let's...let's dance a little," he said, starting to sway and move his feet in the start of a slow dance—Della's favorite when it was just them two, happy together at night.

   She let out a cross between a laugh and a sob as she raised one hand to his shoulder and moved in tune with him, "Laugh a little," she said, and his mind flashed back to their dating phase—when they would make a rare joke, or laugh in simple joy of each other's company. Back to Alvar's early years—Alvar was so much like Keefe Sencen, often pulling pranks or telling jokes that he and Della would secretly laugh at, after correcting him of course. They'd developed Laugh a little as a code for Something funny happened that I need to tell you about, both of them often finding notes that said "I'm gonna make you Laugh a little tonight!"

   They hadn't had many funny stories to tell each other after Fitz and Biana had been born—not that funny things didn't happen still, because they did. They just forgot to celebrate them, getting too wrapped up in everything else, all the stress, the secrets, the problems.

   Alden swallowed thickly, "And hope a little more," hope for many things—wisdom for the council, safety for Sophie, healing friendships for his children, his mind not to give out—but most of all.. "Because I don't want to live without you," his throat started to feel a little clogged so he cleared it, repeating the last two words again, "Without you."

   They spent the rest of the night dancing, talking, laughing, and hoping.

   Everything felt like it would be okay.

The Foxfire Opening Ceremonies
VII. This thorn in my side, though it cuts and stings me, has opened these eyes

Alden stood by Della, waiting to watch the elite dedication. He laughed in surprise when Sophie ran into his side, hugging him tightly. "It's good to see you too, Sophie."

   She wiped her tears on his cape, then backed up to look at him, her gaze lingering on the place where he'd hit his head in Exile. He touched it lightly, explaining, "It'll be gone in a couple of days. Some wounds need a little more time. But there's no reason to worry. How about you? You look a little different since the last time I saw you." he said, tugging playfully on the ears to her costume.

   She smiled at his joke. "Can I take this stupid thing off yet?"

   "I wish," Biana said as she and Fitz joined the group, "We still have to do the elite dedication."

   "That's my favorite part." Della said, taking Alden's hand in hers.

   His family continued conversation, but he got lost in his thoughts.

As Alden gets lost in his thoughts
VIII. I've never seen so clearly, and oh God, I thank you, 'cause you bring me to my knees

One thing he'd noticed, was the way that he wasn't the only proud parent watching his children preform. Grady and Edaline were proud of Sophie, Vika and Timkin were proud of Stina, Durand and Caprise were proud of Marella, and Kesler and Juline were proud of their four children. He could see it all over their faces as they watched the triplets dancing on the stage, and Dex as he did as well.

   He and Della weren't even the only EMISSARIES there, there were plenty others.

   There were a lot of other prodigies with talent, with friends, with smiles, with important parents.

   So why were the Vackers praised as being "better than other elves," when there were very few differences? Vackers had teal eyes—at least, some did—but they weren't more beautiful, smart, trustworthy or better parents then anyone else. Vackers had a lot of noble positions in their family line, but other then that..

   Alden had almost lost himself twice, failed to protect Sophie, made huge mistakes, and was a bit of a rebel himself, disobeying direct orders from the council. He and Quinlin's cognate relationship fell apart, his wife spied on his projects to report to the council (not that he minded—bring on the challenge!), plus he wasn't always a perfect father. He knew that.

As he brings himself to focus again on the elite dance
IX. Back on my knees

Sophie, who was standing by Alden, tensed ever so slightly, and before he could ask her if she was okay, she pointed to a dancing elite.

   "That's Wylie, isn't it?" she whispered, and Alden involuntarily tensed at the name, but followed her finger to see who she was watching.

   His voice nearly gave out as he responded with, "Yes, I believe it is."

   Alden tried to fight back the memories of the proud parents he'd noticed earlier, tried to stop the regret that wanted to wash over him that Prentice wasn't, couldn't be, among them..

   "Do you think he blames me for what happened to his father?" Sophie asked as quietly as she possibly could have.

   Alden struggled to form a answer, but forced himself to try so that Sophie wouldn't think he was ignoring her, mumbling, "No, Sophie. He blames me."

   And he was the only one to blame. Anything else—Alden could have tried harder, or given Prentice more time. He could have done anything to avoid that dreadful decision. He thought at the time that he'd done everything in his power and he'd tried blaming Prentice for being stubborn, but now he couldn't help but feel foolish. What kind of monster was he to make a woman a widow and a child a bastard, then point the accusing finger at the victim?

   Teirgan and Wylie had it right.

   He was the only one to blame.

   Alden started to tremble again and the awful migraine from Exile came back. He could hardly make sense of anything around him, or form a single train of thought of his own will.

   "What's wrong?" Della asked, frightened. She tightened the hold she still had on his hand and used her other hand to try and steady him, laying it firmly on his shoulder. Her beautiful eyes were blurry, her face was blurry, his vision was failing him, his family was worried, he was scaring them, he was doing the one thing he promised he would never—

   "My head.." he forced out, hoping that someone, anyone, would be able to make it go away, make the pain and guilt all disappear, fix the past, quiet his despairing thoughts..

   There's no reason to worry, no reason to worry, I'll pull myself through this for my family—

   "What's wrong, dad?" Fitz asked, and Alden was aware of his younger son's steadying arms on his upper biceps, trying to help him stand.

   No reason to worry, don't wor—It's hopeless.

   "I—"

   No one can help you now. You can't do this. his inner voice said, so sure, so convinced, so..

   "I can't—"

   He let out a horrible groan as he collapsed, barely aware of anything. He just trembled, and shook, and trembled, and tried to fight back—he tried so hard to keep going, to hold on for his family, but when he realized, This is it. I'm finally breaking, his conscious mind deteriorated rapidly.

   I don't want to live without you. Both he and Della had agreed. And neither of them would get their wish, due to the thick, black, guilt-born cell that now imprisoned him.

After Alden's planting
X. I'm not ready to live without you

Della retreated to the room where her husband was staying, trying to fight back the tears, and losing the battle.

   She sat down as close to him as she could, telling him all about the day.

   "Sophie was there, Alden. She looked so...so sad. Fitz responded awfully to her. It was so hard to watch. And, and everyone knows now. You have your own wanderling, but it doesn't capture your—your personality half as well as I would like. And...we miss you. Everyone misses you. So much. I just want to.."

   She paused to wipe her tears, the salty drops that fell steadily down her face. "I want you to say, 'Let's dance a little,' again. I want you to smile at me that way you always did, and start to sway, continuing until I'd join you...which," she laughed brokenly, "Took awhile when I was irritated, over the stupidest things too...but you didn't give up. You'd slow dance with yourself until I'd give in...and, and I've been pouring through our memories. Do you remember that time you handed me a note, "Laugh a little," and the prank Alvar had pulled! Turning Dame Alina's hair bright pink and green...just because he'd learned that she'd tried to crash our wedding, and that was his idea of 'revenge.' Oh, we've had some crazy times.."

   Della pressed a cloth to her nose and mouth as she let out a noisy sob, crying uncontrollably for the next fifteen minutes before she finally could bring it under control again. "A-And I'm trying, I'm trying to 'hope a little more,' but—but no one has.."

   No. She couldn't bring herself to say it.

   "You just can't! You can't do this to us, Alden! You can't break like this. The family is a mess, I—I have no idea what to do about Fitz, he's just lashing out at everyone—and I mean everyone! Especially poor Sophie, who...who told us what happened in Exile, and I feel like she's done everything she can!" Della had stood up, her green dress swishing around her legs, "And Biana doesn't care about anything, her appearance, her friends, NOTHING! She locks herself in her room and won't come out...and Alvar is trying to figure out how to help his siblings, but oh...oh Alden, it's.."

   Tears cascaded down her cheeks. "It's just not possible. Because we, I, don't want to live without you.."

   Della took a deep breath.

   She heard a voice from the other side of the room. "Hold fast, love lasts."

   "Elwin." she cried, turning around.

   The doctor had hardly left the family ever since the opening celebration. He'd tried to help the family keep clear heads, often teaming up with Alvar in his efforts, but no luck.

   She wasn't even embarrassed that he'd heard her rant. He was there for them—for anyone—in their most difficult moments. No matter what. He was more then just a doctor, he was a dear friend. One who could always be trusted.

   He came to where Della had now collapsed to the floor, kneeling on the teal and silver rug, completely broken.

   No, not completely.. she thought, shuddering as Alden screamed at whatever he saw in his head.

   Elwin fell down beside her and opened up his arms, offering a friendly hug—one that she gladly accepted, crying into his kelpie tunic.

   He rubbed her upper back, continuing to whisper, "Hold fast, love lasts."

   Finally Della wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. "As winter turns into summertime, hold fast, love lasts." she added.

   He nodded. "It's, uh—a very dark winter...but good times will, will, come again. Just look at Grady and Edaline."

   "I never truly understood what they were going through. Elwin, it's so awful. He—he will never be the same.."

   "And Jolie will never return."

   Della started crying again, this time for those sixteen long years that her best friends had spent mourning. "I never understood." she repeated, feeling awful.

   "Often times, no one does," Elwin whispered, "Very few do."

. . .

As Della went through the next days, often she would repeat the chant of, "Hold fast, love lasts," to herself, clinging to the hope that Alden will get better. That her family would grow together again.

   It wasn't happening, but she held fast to her hope. She clung to it with everything she had, never surrendering to the hopelessness. Never giving in to her grief. Never staying away from her husband's room because it was too difficult to see.

   And she rejoiced wholeheartedly when she heard that Sophie thought she could fix him. She dressed up again, applying a bit of makeup and greeting the moonlark at the door, wrapping her up in a immediate hug.

   "Thank you, Sophie." she said. She knew it wasn't a for sure thing, and that it wouldn't beyond a shadow of a doubt cure Alden. But Sophie had put herself and the alicorn in danger, just for a chance to heal him. Just for that hope. And Della was thankful. More then she could tell.

   Biana apologized and Fitz asked to talk to Sophie outside, privately. Della tried to tamper down her impatience, knowing it would be best for Sophie and Fitz's friendship if they talked.

   But everyone gathered in Alden and Della's room, him finally in his bed again, ready to get to business very quickly. Ready to fix him.

   They hoped.

   Della toyed with her jewelry and repeated her chant in desperate whispers, trying to hide her nervousness. Alvar placed a steadying hand on her shoulder, a attempt to comfort her.

   But she didn't need comforted.

   She had real, tangible, hope.

   Hope that, thanks to Sophie Elizabeth Foster, became reality.

Late that night, when everyone leaves and Alvar, Fitz and Biana finally fall asleep
XI. I heard a voice from the other side singing, "Hold fast, love lasts," as winter turns into summertime, singing "Hold fast"

Alden walked back to his and Della's room. Earlier he had insisted on visiting with everyone in the main room—he'd spent too much time away from them already, so Alvar and Elwin had helped him to the main room. And now Della shouldered a good deal of his weight as she helped him back to their room, and as they walked he couldn't stop looking at her.

   He was so thankful for his family. For his wife. For his children. He was so thankful for his friends. For Elwin. For Teirgan (not that they were "friends" friends, but they were no longer enemies, and he had apparently done quite a bit to help Alden's family while he was down for the count). For Keefe. For the Black Swan. And for Sophie Foster.

   As Della opened their door, she finally noticed that he was looking at her.

   "Hm? Did my lipstick smudge? Mascara run?" she asked in confusion.

   He shook his head. "No. You look perfect."

   Her lips began to tremble, but she smiled at him, leading him into their room and they both sat on the bed. She closed her eyes as tears started to form, whispering, "I was so scared, Alden. Terrified that...I'm so glad we didn't lose you for good."

   "I don't want to live without you." Alden said, receiving a flashback from the night after he'd gone to Exile with Sophie.

   Della looked up, but she still looked like she was reliving his broken days.

   "Hey," he said, cupping her cheek, "I'm back now."

   "It was awful," she mumbled, not meeting his eyes.

   Alden studied her face as he swallowed the lump in his throat. He'd made mistakes with Prentice, but he'd made a huge mistake in letting that guilt fester instead of trying to fix it, like Sophie did. And now he hurt his family.

   Sure, he'd taken what he'd found in Prentice's mind and risked the council's wrath in investigating behind their back, but he'd just been following his next lead. Prentice was broken, Wylie, Cyrah and Teirgan hated him—he gave up, telling himself that it was impossible to change anything. But Sophie heard impossible, and turned it into a challenge—shattering everyone's expectations.

   Well, this wasn't impossible. It wasn't impossible to take Della's mind off the past few weeks, and he knew just how to do it.

   He pressed his lips to hers, gently, calling her to respond. And she did, blinking away her tears so that she could kiss him. He pulled her closer, her dress covering his legs as she brought herself in to hug him, never breaking their connection. He fell backward onto the bed, and she broke away to breathe.

   "I love you." he said.

   Della nodded. "I love you too."

   She rolled off his chest and settled in, by his right side. He sought her right hand with his left one, their fingers interlocking loosely while his thumb ran circles around her palm.

   So let's dance a little,

   Della giggled slightly. "Stop, that tickles." she said, trying to pull her hand away, but he tightened his grip, pressing his palm to hers.

   "Oh, did it?" he asked, his other hand finding her mid backbone and pressing on the layers of her dress, finding the exact right place to start tickling and she erupted into laughter, rolling on top of him again to get away.

   "Alden!" she scolded between giggles, making him chuckle.

   Laugh a little,

   "What?" he smiled innocently, and she laid her forehead on his, staring into his eyes.

   "You know what, you silly goose."

   "Hmm." he hummed, then tilted his chin up enough to kiss her, only just missing the lips.

   She helped him find them, one of her hands on his shoulder and the other one on the mattress as they enjoyed the innocent intimacy of stealing kisses and staring into each other's eyes.

   After awhile, Della started to get drowsy and she dropped, rolling again to the mattress and resting by his side, closing her eyes. "I hope we stay together like this forever and ever."

   The long and flowy skirt to her dress was spread out among their legs, his tunic was rumpled and smelled like perfume, and her hair was tangled and lipstick had now been smudged, but she'd never—never—looked more beautiful to him than she did just then.

   "I hope so too."

   And hope a little more.

   Her eyes closed and her breathing grew heavy with sleep as he admired her, braiding her hair and kissing her fingers, then as he felt himself start to grow tired hours later, he whispered, "Because I don't want to live without you, without you," as he started to slip into a calm, resting state.