"Where's Henry?"

Kathryn stomps inside the house, out for blood. After what happened with JJ and Pope, walking all the way there wasn't exactly a good idea. She had to ruminate with her thoughts, and, as it turns out, she walked for an hour and a half.

Max, doing the dishes, jumps at her voice. He peers into the main hall by the kitchen's opened door. Her hair is a mess, her white shoes are brown. It doesn't look like she cried, but he knows how she is, and figures that her bitten lip and wide eyes are enough.

"Kat? Baby, are you alright?"

He gets out of the kitchen and walks towards her. He tries to hug her, but she steps away. She can't be touched. She's on fire.

Kathryn lets out a breathy laugh. "Do I look okay?" Then, in a breath, she goes on. "You told them. You told the Pogues." She scoffs, shaking her head. "You told them... One of the things I wanted to keep a secret, you..." She steps back. "I trusted you."

Realisation hits him like a freight train. He feels sick. He knew that what they did was questionable, but they needed to make sure she would be okay.

And she was not. Max can feel tears sting his eyes. "I'm sorry, Kat, we... we thought it would be better for them to know, so they could keep an eye on you."

She scowls. "You wanted them to babysit me? Yeah, okay, thanks. I feel so much better now."

He takes a deep breath. He's going out with Henry, of course he's familiar with the way the Darcys express themselves. It's like walking on burning embers. "We never meant to hurt you, okay? We're just trying to look out for you."

"By telling them I tried to kill myself?" she cries out. "How does that work?"

"By giving them the clues to look out for!" Then, he frowns. "We didn't... we didn't tell them that. We just said that you almost died, we would never..."

"Well, because of you, they found out!"

He tries not to give into her anger, because it would just make it worse. He knows he's gonna have to power through it to get her to calm down, and talk properly. "Listen, you have every right to be angry at us..."

"I know I do!" She huffs out a laugh. "You know what, you weren't there. You didn't see Pope trying to stop himself from crying. You – you didn't see JJ," she adds, voice cracking on his name. "You didn't see him." She rubs her face, trying to keep in her tears. "This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I ruined everything, again."

"Kat." Max puts his hands on her shoulders. "You didn't do anything. It's okay to let people in."

"It's not," she fires back, eyes brimming with tears. "You're okay with that, but I'm not. I... I feel guilty, because they shouldn't have to carry this with them."

"Maybe they want to," he tries. "To help you."

"I don't care! They, they..."

She could've spared them. She wanted to spare them the worry, the compassion, the sickening concern, but no. They had to find out. They had to know about it, and now, she wouldn't have a second chance again.

And now, maybe... maybe they could know why. She's not an idiot, she knows he told everyone. She was popular, he was popular, she knows how it goes. When she goes out, she knows what people think of her.

She feels sick. "Max, what if they can guess why? What if they already know?"

"No," he promises. "There's no way. Baby, go get some rest, okay? You're clearly distraught, it's been a long morning."

She blinks. "It's two PM."

"And? Go get some rest. You're upset."

"I always am."

She wants to yell at him, but Max just keeps staring her down until any arguments die out in her throat. It's no use.

Out of spite, Kathryn doesn't go to her room. She goes to the other end of the first floor, a big room filled with paintings. Her paintings.

They rarely have any link to each other, or even meanings. Sometimes, she draws cartoons. Sometimes, she paints skies. And sometimes, like right now, she pulls every shade of red she has and pours it on a canvas.

Better pouring everything out here then letting it burn inside her.

🫧

"I'm the biggest dumbass the world has ever seen."

Silence answers JJ, despite the Twinkie being full. Then, John B turns to him.

"If you expect us to disagree, it's going to be a long night."

"Thanks bro, real comforting."

Kie sighs. They've been going at it for half an hour now. John B is clearly upset about everything, and the fact that the lighthouse was a dead end didn't help. He even went to the police station because of DCS – really, he's just had a bad day overall.

"We should've known Kat would notice," she says, and she's right. From the start, she had known that they were hiding something.

Kathryn may have changed, but she's not an idiot.

"Yeah, and we should've known it wouldn't go well," Pope adds.

John B unbuckles his seatbelt. "I'm going to talk to her," he declares. "Maybe I can get her to join us."

"You do that," Kie says, with a slight eye roll, "because apparently JJ just lost his balls."

"She took mine and threw it on the floor," he whines.

Pope, who is the only one who understands, shakes his head. "Gross, JJ."

John B gets out of the car, and makes his way towards the back of the house. It's dark outside, so he has to be careful and not trigger the light detectors. Or hope that mister H didn't put them back on, but he doesn't think that's happening.

Once he's standing outside Kathryn's window, he picks up a rock and throws it at it. No movement. He tries again.

When there's no answer for the tenth time, he remembers the improvised studio, and rounds the house. The light is on. Kathryn answers by the second rock.

She pokes her head out the window. Her hair is tied in two braids, and she's looking pissed. "What the fuck do you want John B?"

He smiles at her, trying to get on her good side. "Listen, bug..."

Kathryn's eyes widened in realisation. That's her old nickname. He called her that through the entirety of primary school. She used to hoard bugs, put them in plastic cups and offer them to her friends. The only one who actually liked it was Kie, who took care of them. John B found it funny. The nickname stuck. But she never thought she'd hear it again, and not in that context.

By that she means, she didn't expect him to use it against her. "Oh no, don't 'bug' me. I'm not gonna fall for that, you can drop the act and tell me what you want before I throw a paintbrush at you."

He sighs. She can be stubborn when she wants to, can't she? "Kat, I know what my father was trying to tell me, and I want you to come with me."

She ignores the relief at the thought that John B is getting some closure, even though she's genuinely happy for him. She hates how he keeps beating around the bush.

She frowns. "You wanna pretend like you don't know what you know?"

He stares up at her. "That sentence makes zero sense."

Kathryn almost slams the window shut. "You know what I mean!"

He ducks his head, trying to find the right words and not make it worse. "We were trying to make it easier for you."

She scoffs. "It didn't occur to you that I wasn't telling you for a reason?"

"It did!" he defends himself. "We wanted you to come to terms with what happened and explain it to us on your own."

She can feel her stomach tie into a knot. "It's not the kind of thing you come to terms with. I wasn't going to tell you, ever," she says, more softly.

"That's okay. I'm sorry that we know now." John B nods, and understands why she wouldn't. He wished she would, but Kathryn had never been the most open person. "But we'll be there for you, okay? No matter what."

Maybe this could go well. Maybe, Max was right, and she could share a bit of that burden. Not all of it. God – not all of it, but maybe a little.

She considers her options, before sighing. "Is JJ coming too?"

John B frowns. "Uh yeah, why?"

"Alright, I'm not coming, bye!"

She closes the window.

John B stares up at the lit room, blinking a few times to register what happened.

"God, I hate her sometimes."

He makes his way back to the van, like a kicked puppy, and leans in through the window, on his elbows.

"So, she's not coming because JJ's here. On the bright side, she's taking up painting again."

JJ groans and throws his head backwards.

Kie scoffs. "JJ, what did you do to her?"

"Trust me," Pope says. "It was ugly."

"Alright, okay, I get it." After a sigh, JJ unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out of the car. "I'm going."

"Please don't tell me you're going to climb the tree."

"I won't tell you."

John B looks at him like he's the biggest idiot he's ever seen. Which might be the case. "JJ, last time you climbed up that tree you were twelve."

"Have a bit of faith."

He makes his way towards the tree, and, carefully, he climbs up, avoiding the thinner branches.

JJ never wanted to make things right this hard in his entire life. But he knows Kathryn's something else. It might just be because of how frustrated she makes him feel. Or because she was his best friend, he doesn't know and doesn't want to know.

He fucked up, and he wants to make it right.

So that's why he's on a branch, several feets up in the air, and knocking on the studio's window.

"John B I swear to go – oh this is worse. Why the fuck did you climb the tree?"

JJ's eyes fly from the ground, to Kathryn's dark eyes. "Uh – yeah, about that, I'm kind of, actually, stuck in this tree and have no other way than getting into your room."

She scoffs. "Oh I see another way. You can fall."

"That's not very nice of you KD."

"Thank you. Now, die."

She closes her window, but she knows he's still there. And she knows she's going to open that window and let him in, sooner or later. There's no point in denying it, she doesn't actually want him to die.

She looks around the studio. It's messy, there's red paint everywhere and she's too scared to look in the mirror. She picks a few stuff up, puts them away, and closes the door. With a sigh, she gets back to the window.

"Alright, come in, die later."

Well that's awfully nice of her.

"Thank you."

He jumps inside the room, and tumbles over Kathryn, almost knocking both of them on the floor.

"Careful mate!"

He rolls his eyes. "Oh my god, it's not like I almost killed you."

"Is this your apology? It needs to be worked on."

There's a new found tension between them, as they stand close to one another. It's weird. Because she knows him by heart – she doesn't want to admit it, but she thought about his face, and how he looked in those four years. Constantly. She could draw him from memory, every little detail. The pouty lips, the sandy hair, the bright blue eyes... She looks back at his lips, for good measure. He looks at hers.

She takes a step backwards.

She sits on a chair in front of him. "So? What do you want?"

He keeps staring at her. "You have paint in your hair." His eyes fall on her lap. "And on your hands."

"Speaking of hands, you should be on your hands and knees begging for forgiveness right now." She hides her hands under her thighs, tucking them. "So?"

JJ puts his hands in his pockets, and sits on her bed. He shrugs. "I want you to come with us."

She shakes her head. "So you didn't want me to come and now you want me to go with you – make up your mind."

He gives her a half-crooked smile. She hates it. "Come on KD. Just come with us. Pretty please?"

She gives him a face, clearly telling him that she isn't ready to fall for this. Her look turns a little sour, thinking about what happened earlier today. Or, going by the time it is, yesterday.

She doesn't know why he's pretending like she didn't push and kept pushing him so he could let her go. She knows how bad she can get. She can't stop it, but she knows.

She sighs. "JJ, you can stop pretending you're not mad at me."

He's actually taken aback. He even frowns. "But I'm not mad at you."

"JJ, I said some bad things back there..."

"I know."

"...And I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Any time you want to make this easy for me, please do so."

"Noted."

She throws the chair's cushion at him, and he chuckles as he catches it. He puts it on his lap. "You're not convincing me to come, you know?" she asks.

He hums, before sighing a little, playing with the cushion. "I'm the one who should be sorry."

She arches an eyebrow. "Go on."

"For pushing you. I kind of... flipped out."

"You did." She nods for herself. "I get that." She inhales sharply. "I haven't been an open book, but there's a reason for it, you know. I don't want to put my shit on others."

"That's kind of what friends are for." The words came out so quick, he looks like he didn't even mean for them to come out at all.

She wants to disagree, but doesn't. "We're friends then?" she asks, a smile growing on her face.

"It can be arranged."

Kathryn wants to laugh with him, but she remembers everything that they know about her. What she didn't want them to know, and it's stuck in her throat. Her heart hammers in her chest.

"Listen, JJ, you have to be honest with me." She takes a deep breath, not looking at him. "Do you have any idea why I did it? Does anyone know?"

JJ frowns. How could he know? He wasn't there. He didn't hear from Kathryn for all those years. Then again, he did hear things about her. Might have fought one person or two because of it too, but that's beside the point.

He has the faintest idea. "Well, we heard things," he tells her. "Rafe Cameron made up some stuff about you – fucking hate the guy." When he looks back at her, she's still, and pale, and he wonders if she's going to throw up. "No, hey, you know what? I don't care. I mean, I do, but I'm not going to push. If you come with us, I swear we're not gonna ask questions about 'why'. I swear, okay?"

Kathryn blows out a breath in relief. He has an idea, yes, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was, so it should be okay for her. She can still function as a human being with them, as long as they don't know. It's like a weight is lifted off her shoulders. They don't know. They won't push.

And she already knew she was coming along the second JJ climbed a tree to get there. Of course, because she's curious about Big John's disappearances and concerned for John B, but also, mainly, because she wants to mess with JJ.

"Okay. Just let me leave a note to Henry and Max, I'm not going through that again." She stands up, looking around for paper. "Oh, and we're going to use the front door. There's no way in hell you're making me go out by the tree."

He snorts. "Why not?"

"Mainly because I didn't see you get on your hands and knees, but also because I don't want to break a leg."

Something stirs in her, as he laughs again. She smiles softly. Maybe opening a little about what happened wouldn't cause as much harm as she thought it would. Maybe they'd understand.

But she won't risk it, she knows better. Her mother made sure she would.

Author's Note: Double update ! ( It's a way to say sorry about last chapter okay )

Editor's Note: No apology here we die like men