Pain had always been in Kathryn's heart. Nibbling softly, eating away at her life, piece by piece. As far as she can remember, it was there. Even before her dad died; the anger was there, and she knows why. She had always been a little too much like her mother.

Of course, the hurt and pain got worse during the four years she spent in London. She watched it grow – almost fed it. And then, the darkness swallowed her whole.

Sometimes, it scared her just how easy it had been. To make everything stop. How she felt so peaceful when she drifted off. How she had felt so desperate when she had woken up. How, she still thinks the world would be better off without her. Henry wouldn't have this burden. Max wouldn't have to put up with his boyfriend's niece. The Pogues would have never felt betrayed. Maybe even her mom would've been happy.

And the hurt would've stopped.

Kathryn slept for twelve hours. Almost a coma for her, considering she usually wakes up around seven, but she's grateful for it. She needed the rest, she had been exhausted, especially with the panic attack she had yesterday.

Her fingers trace the bandage on her wrist absentmindedly. She understands why he would have thought that. Even if... If it was pills... He knows her. He knows that, sometimes, she thinks about it.

But now, she's living with Henry. And she can't do it to him. She'd never do it to him.

She's startled when someone comes into her room – her door is open. Henry was pretty firm about it, he had to keep an eye on her. No locking it. She yanks her hand away and sits up.

Henry comes into her room with a tray. There's orange juice, hot chocolate and toast on it. It smells like forgiveness.

She narrows her eyes at him. "What's that?"

He sets the tray on her night table and sits next to her. "A 'sorry' tray."

She hums. "Max put you up to this, didn't he?" Darcys aren't very good at saying sorry. In exchange, they always mean it.

"I plead guilty," says Max as he comes in.

He sits on the other side of her, and she's stuck between the two overgrown men. She squirms a little, but stays put, finding that she doesn't mind their presence all that much. They always were an exception anyway.

Henry sighs. "I was harsh last night," he admits. "I was worried, and it came out in anger, and I'm sorry. I'm doing this because I love you."

Kathryn can't help but smirk. "That's what my mum used to say."

"No." Max shakes his head. "Don't compare them. Your mom's the Antichrist."

She bursts out laughing, surprised by Max's words. He's rarely aggressive or even angry, so that has to mean something.

"You know what, she kind of is," Kathryn agrees.

Henry laughs softly. "But, you know, I really am sorry."

She smiles at him and takes his hand in her's. "I know Henry. It's okay, I should have told you I was leaving."

"Yeah you should have."

Max shoots Henry a glare above Kathryn's head.

"Look, I'm really sorry I worried you guys." She stares at the tray. "But uh... You know I don't eat much at breakfast."

He nods. "Yeah, that's my tray. Max made you pancakes to go, and the Pogues are waiting outside for you." Those little...

"They what?" Kathryn sighs, before pushing them out of her bed. "Okay, now go, I need to change."

The Pogues, waiting in the Twinkie downstairs, are all but at ease. They agreed to stay silent about their theory – because Kathryn would most likely rather die than actually listen to them or talk about herself – but still. John B thinks it's for the best, to let her come to term with what happened and tell them. Kie can't help but think it's... painful. Pope has to physically restrain himself from talking and trying to fix everything. And well, JJ...

JJ is probably the one that has the most trouble adjusting to this idea. The fact that he knows she's hurting and he can't do anything about it. That it got so bad that she... and then she came back and he... He can't even think about it.

He'd never thought he'd care this much about her after two days. When he saw her at the party, she was so... changed, he thought they'd never get along. That it would be impossible to. But everything's back to normal, for the most part, and look at him now.

The red cheeks and fleeting eyes when he sees her climbing down the stairs of the porch with a plate of pancakes, in her lilac blouse, white jean shorts and the white bikini underneath it...

And he can't stop thinking about it.

"Remember," says John B. "We act normal, okay?"

Kie nods. "It's for Kat."

"Yeah," Pope agrees, reluctantly.

They turn to JJ, and wait for him to say yes. He looks at them and rolls his eyes. "I won't say anything, okay?"

They all seem suspicious, but don't say anything, because Kathryn's here now, and she can't hear any of it.

Pope opens the van's door and helps her climb in. She smiles a little at them, presenting them with the pancake plate. "Hey losers, fancy a nice breakfast?"

There's an awkward moment, the Pogues trying to adjust to the situation. Kathryn catches it – of course she does.

John B acts fast and dives for the plate. "Max is a saviour."

Kathryn laughs. "Yes he is."

JJ doesn't talk during the beginning of the ride. He doesn't even take a pancake. He's too afraid to do something wrong. And she looks so much happier than two days ago, he doesn't want to blow this up. Of course, by doing so, Kathryn gets all the more suspicious that something is wrong.

But hey... at least it makes more pancakes for John B.

"So um," Kathryn says, ditching the plate at the back of the van and settling herself next to Pope, in front of JJ. "Do you really think your father left a message in the compass?"

For a second back there, he almost forgot about that. The 'Redfield' written on the compass.

"I mean, it's obvious, right?" John B says. "A family heirloom. What better place to hide a message? He had to know it was gonna get back to me, right?"

They look at each other. All of it could just be a fever dream to cope with the disappearance of his father. When her father died, Kathryn had convinced herself that her mom was hiding him somewhere and that she was just grounded.

So, she just nods. "Maybe."

"It could also be possible that you're concocting wild theories to help, you know, deal with your sad feels," Pope says, fiddling with the compass.

Kie and Kathryn glare at him, begging silently for him to shut up. He always speaks his mind a bit too quickly.

"Bro, you know how I process my sad feels," JJ says. "Dank nugs and the stickiest of ickies, that's how I do it."

Kathryn arches an eyebrow. "That's not healthy."

He wants to argue back, but she can see the words dying in his throat. He looks away. Okay, so something is definitely wrong with him, there's no denying it now. He would never pass up an occasion to argue.

"I'm not concocting, okay?" John B exclaims, drawing her attention away from JJ. "My dad's trying to give me a message."

Kie licks her lips. "If it helps you believe, John B."

"Look, I–I don't need a therapy session, okay? I'm not trippin' out."

"It's okay to trip, bro, but–" JJ tries.

"Look, my–my dad is missing, okay? Missing. You don't know what it's like to have the person closest to you vanish and then have no idea what happened. Just wake up every morning wondering."

Kathryn swallows thickly, bringing her knees up to her chest, and setting her chin on it. "I can." She shakes her head, already regretting bringing up the subject. "I'm just–I'm just saying, I know it hurts, but you have to prepare yourself and realise that maybe... Maybe he's not coming back."

John B frantically shakes his head, his hands gripping the wheel tightly.

She could have spent hours, waiting for her dad to come back. Sitting there on the docks, everyone coming to check on her, one at a time, every so often. And then the night would come, and the Pogues would all sit with her for a while, in silence. Her dad wasn't coming back.

"Hey, he could have been kidnapped," JJ says. "That's definitely a possibility."

"Yeah, could be in a Soviet sub getting interrogated by the KGB somewhere," Pope adds.

"Absolutely. Uh... or Atlantis."

"JJ," Kathryn warns him. He holds up his hands in retreat.

"Look," Kie interrupts, "what do you think the message is?"

"Redfield," he says. "Redfield Lighthouse. That's my dad's favourite place."

Ha, well, that's gonna be... what did Pope say the other day? Suboptimal. Kathryn looks out the window and realises they arrived, so she has no time to mentally prepare herself. John B stops the Twinkie and they all get out.

She looks up at the lighthouse. Even from down there, it feels like she's falling – she didn't even think that her vertigo would be that bad.

"Right, so here's what's gonna happen," John B says, turning to JJ. "You're gonna post up and look out for bogeys, okay?"

"Wait..." JJ looks to the others. "Why me?"

"Because you're not coming," Pope answers.

"Why?" He's frustrated, and Kathryn gets why. She'd hate to be benched, even if she's scared of heights.

"Look JJ, there are independent and dependent variables," he explains. "You're independent. We don't know what you'll do."

"Shut up!"

"Listen to me for a second," John B interrupts. "Pope and Kat, you stand look out with JJ. Okay? If we get split up, we meet back at JJ's house." Excuse me?

"Great," agrees Kie.

Kathryn shakes her head. "No, not great. Why do I stay here?"

There's a silence, the Pogues looking at each other. It was a failed attempt to keep her safe and out of stressful situations, for the time being. John B just wants to make sure she's okay – just like Henry asked them.

Except that now Kathryn is a hundred percent sure that they're hiding something from her.

"You have vertigo," JJ recalls. "You sure you wanna get up there?"

She narrows her eyes and thinks. JJ is probably the one who's gonna spill the beans the fastest, considering how quiet he has been during the ride here.

She pushes. "Are you saying I'm scared?"

Immediately, about a thousand flashbacks plague his mind. "Uh, no. No, because if I was saying that, you'd find a way to teleport up there."

Okay, so she won't get him like that. Fine. "Yeah, I'm gonna stay here."

Kie and John B leave, and JJ gets a soft ball out of his pocket, and begins to play with it. Kathryn leans against a tree, and waits, glaring at him. She doesn't budge, and from the way he keeps fumbling around, he feels her gaze on him.

"I'm gonna work on my merit scholarship essay," Pope says, "and I'm trying to keep felonies to a minimum."

"All right, would you just shut up already?" JJ barks out.

Kathryn snatches the ball, and puts it behind her back. JJ frowns at her, looking as though she just took his favourite toy. Her gaze almost burns him.

"What are you hiding from me?" JJ and Pope freeze, exchanging a look, and she scoffs. "Seriously, guys. Did you even try to be discreet? You keep looking at each other and staring at me like I'm gonna blow up."

"Okay, not true. Give me back my ball."

She shakes her head and takes a step backwards. "Not before you tell me what you're hiding." They exchange a look again. "Okay, new plan, tell me everything or I'll kill you, dispose of your bodies, buy the cops' silence, and no one will find out."

Pope makes a face. "That was thought out."

JJ spreads his arms, frustrated. "Yeah, you know what, you tell her," he says to Pope. "It's your theory."

"Oh thanks man."

"You're welcome."

"Guys!" Kathryn interrupts, fed up with their little argument. She crosses her arms but keeps the ball in her hands. "Stop screwing around. If it's about me, I have a right to know."

This is going to be... absolutely awful. Pope is aware of that as he rubs the back of his neck. "Well, last night, Henry and Max told us that... you almost died."

Immediately, she falters, before struggling to regain her composure. How could they? Why would they tell them that? Her lip twitches and she goes pale. "Go on." It's nothing shy of an order. She needs to know how much they know.

Because if they know all of it, she might as well just not be here anymore. But then again, if they did, they wouldn't be here right now, would they?

"Pope thought that you had tried to kill yourself, which is stupid, right?" JJ finally lets out.

Well, there it is.

"JJ," Pope warns.

"It was a stupid idea anyway."

"JJ!"

JJ's eyes flicker to Kathryn's face. She's not crying, but it's obvious that it's out of pride. Her eyes are shining with unshed tears, and her set jaw looks too tight to not hurt.

They stare for a second, not knowing what to do with the obvious deduction that's coming. Kathryn tries to kill herself.

And they all but forced it out of her. Pope takes a step forward.

"Don't," she seethes.

JJ gulps. "Fuck – KD, I'm..."

"What? You're what, you're sorry?" she spits out. "I fucking hope you are. You were never meant to find out. None of you."

Anger burns her from the inside. It sets her ablaze, and she has to go. She has to leave. She's aware that it's not a healthy way to respond, she knows it deep down, but that's the only thing she's ever known. The rage is her home.

As is the pain in her heart, completely overwhelming her to the point that it's a wonder she even breathes. She has to get out of here.

JJ takes a step forward, and she takes a step backward.

"Don't. I'm going. I'm going back to Henry's."

Pope has guilt written all over his face, it makes her sick. "You shouldn't go home alone," he tries.

"Yeah, you should mind your fucking business for once," she scoffs. "It's a thirty minute walk, I can manage."

JJ watches as she walks away, and fear washes over him. It feels too much like something he's seen before. The poorly hidden pain on her face and leaving without a goodbye.

"Don't leave!" JJ screams out, and she stops, back turned to him. "It's okay, I swear."

She flips around. "Explain to me how is that okay? How? I didn't want you to know this," she says again. "I didn't want anyone to find out, I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me."

"That's not your fault," Pope says, softly.

"Like hell it isn't!" she fires back. "I don't want to talk about that. I'm leaving."

JJ clenches his jaw. "So what, you're gonna ditch us?"

"I am not."

"Yes you are! You're leaving because we care, that's what you do."

She scoffs and takes a step forward. He places himself in front of her. She takes in a shaky breath. "Move."

"No."

Frustration getting to her head, she pushes him away. Pope jumps forward to help him, but JJ raises his hand to stop him. "Oh you want me to stay? Want me to make a bonfire and sing kumbaya and tell you all about me, don't you?"

She expects him to get angry, but there's only sadness in his eyes. Get fucking angry, she wants to scream. "You shouldn't be alone right now."

"Why do you care?" she cries out. "I'm just some bitch that left you all behind, and I should have never come back here, aren't I?"

Her words hurt, but she won't take them back. If she hadn't come back, they wouldn't even be having this conversation right now. Pope wouldn't be on the verge of crying, and JJ wouldn't be this distraught.

"You could have told me," he maintains.

She stares at him, before smiling. It's fake. Painfully so. "Oh I could've told you. How? How can I tell you anything, when you barely even look at me?" He clenches his jaw. "You wanna talk? Talk! Why is it that the Pogues all accepted me back and you barely did, tell me how is that even fair?" Kathryn can't stop herself from saying all these things. She just hopes that one of them will hurt JJ enough for him to let her go.

"Kat–" She shakes her head at Pope, gesturing at him to shut it.

JJ doesn't stop looking at her. Not even when she turns back and says, "You have no right telling me what's best for me, or resenting for leaving more than the others. None."

Finally, she can see a spark of anger in his eyes. He frowns, arms flailing in the air as he speaks."You were my best fucking friend and you left without saying anything! My life literally went to crap after that. So I'm sorry if I'm giving you a hard time, but life hasn't been easy on any of us!"

"Then why you specifically?" she asks, waving her finger at him. "How are you any different?!"

"Because you left like my mom! I lost my best friend," he goes on, voice pleading, wavering. "Just like I lost her."

She gets it. She does. But she has no other room for pain but her own. It's too great.

Kathryn gulps, swallowing down the lump in her throat. She won't cry. She won't. She just has to leave. "Move, JJ," she asks, voice cracking. "Just leave me alone."

JJ considers her, choking on his own tears, and steps out of her way. If she wants to leave, fine. He's done chasing after her. She tosses the ball to him, and walks away, casting one last look at the boys.

This is why she never said anything. She knew it. She always knew it. The fire was too much. It takes over her. And if she burns, they burn with her. They burnt with her.

JJ picks up the ball, blinking the tears away. When he looks back at Pope, there's tears in his eyes, and Kathryn is long gone. He's crouched down, his face in his hands. He grunts as he stands back up.

"I hope you're happy you were right," JJ blurts out.

Pope shakes his head. "No, I'm not."

Author's Note: Haha yes, this worse than I imagined

Editor's Note: Yeah well I made it worse...........................