Kathryn stares at the ceiling, playing with the ring that used to be on her thumb. How long can she pretend like everything is fine? She's always playing that game. No one catches on. You can't win it either. So it's not much of a game, really.

Waking up after an argument she had is never a good thing. Clarity hits her and she thinks back on everything she's said. Self-hatred rears its ugly head, threatens to swallow her whole. It's worse that it was JJ. Of course it's worse.

But she can't help but be mad, still. If Edward hadn't been alive, if he had really died, and Luke had been the one that killed him, then what? Because that's what they both believed at the time. Was JJ even more surprised than she was, seeing her dad there?

If he had told her, right here and there, she would have forgiven him. She can understand that he'd be scared to tell her before, because Kathryn never reacted lightly to anything, and he had been lying after all, but keeping it a secret now? It made no sense. Edward was alive, the worst would be over. Maybe she'd have been pissy, and maybe she would have been angry, but she wouldn't have been fire.

She wouldn't have told him that he was like his dad.

She shuts her eyes, and pockets the ring. She wasn't ready to forgive JJ. She was nowhere near going to forgive herself.

Sarah is pacing around in Kie's room, and Kathryn was already not happy about her own situation, she could barely fit in more frustration regarding John B and Sarah's.

"I mean, like, even after he was down, John B was still hitting him."

"Yeah, I've never seen him like that," Kie lets out.

Kathryn groans. "I don't blame him entirely. I'm more pissed that he ruined my uncles' party, but sure." Her friend stares at her. "I mean, 'beating up people, ugh.' If Topper presses charges, I'm joining Bee."

"He can't get arrested," Sarah reminds her. "Not now. If he's locked up, he can't help his dad. I have to fix this." She looks up at Kathryn. "Can you give me a ride to Topper's? Please."

She purses her lips. She'd say no, considering the whole cheating on her best friend thing. However, Topper drools after Sarah so she might be able to convince him not to press charges.

"Sure," she says, getting up. "I'm picking up Billy anyway, she wants to go have coffee."

Kie sits up at that. "You don't think it's going to make things worse?"

"I don't know," Sarah says. "And I don't know what's gonna happen with me and John B. But what I do know is I can't just sit by and watch him get arrested while his dad's abducted. I have to try."

She's out the door in a flash, Kathryn still scrambling for her shoes. Kie seizes the opportunity before Kathryn's running again.

"Kat," she calls out, her friend humming in response. "Are you sure you should go out? JJ said–"

"JJ isn't in charge of me," she retorts. "And I'm going to be around people at all times, not exactly a good place to get kidnapped, is it?"

At this point, she didn't care. She deserved to be abducted and taken to South America or wherever. If this was waiting for her, fine. It didn't matter.

Well, of course, she couldn't say that to Kie, could she? She'd call Henry, and Henry would call her dad, and it'd turn into a whole thing, and she didn't want that. If it was going to happen, at least she could hope for a little bit of peace and quiet.

Kie nods reluctantly. "Right... Just text me when you get there. And when you leave."

"Yes, mum."

🍓

Kathryn didn't say a word to Sarah, and didn't stay long in front of Topper's house. She didn't exactly trust herself to stay anywhere near the guy, not in her state. It sounds dramatic when she says it like that; the state is impending doom.

Billy refused to get her an iced coffee, on the grounds that she seemed 'jumpy' and 'on the brink of a panic attack' and 'if you still wore the bracelets, you'd be wearing a red one.' Which are all very sound analysis, if Kathryn wasn't really craving a coffee.

"You're all twitchy," she adds yet again. "And... You have a weird look in your eyes. I don't trust you anywhere near coffee."

She doesn't say it, but the way her almond eyes narrow, she's sure she gives it away. Kathryn never really got sad. She would just turn empty, and get angry in retaliation. And right now, she didn't seem all that angry. She didn't seem all that anything. That's why, when Billy saw her walking out to go to Kie's this morning, she proposed to go out.

If she'd stayed home, Kathryn would have found a way to hurt herself. Her brain, destroying her studio again. She hasn't set foot there since they cleaned it up. She hasn't thrown away the pieces of JJ's painting, too. Maybe that's why she hasn't walked back into the room yet.

Her phone dings. Billy reads the text upside-down. It's from Pope. Apparently, Denmark Tanny left a letter to his daughter with some sort of Kalinago Rosetta stone, and nearly despite herself, Kathryn makes the link between that and her father's journal.

Clearly, the fact that Tanny had been to El Dorado got less weird every day. So much for coffee.

"You don't have to go everytime they call, you know?" Billy says.

Kathryn scoffs. "Of course I do. Considering the rate at which people are learning Kalinago, I may as well be the only one on the planet able to help them. Besides, maybe it'd help to find Big John, you never know."

"Kitty. You just found out JJ's been lying to you for months. You just, like, broke up with him again, but worse. You're allowed to take a breather."

"I like being busy. That way, my brain pauses." Billy shuts her eyes tightly, shaking her head. "C'mon, we should go before..."

Her voice dies out in her throat. Across from her at the café, Rafe is sitting, back turned to her, kissing some girl.

Kathryn's blood roars in her ears, breath catching, lowering herself down on her seat. The world spins. This can't be happening. This can't be happening again.

Billy twists around to see, "What's he doing here?"

Kathryn doesn't care that Rafe is here. What she wants to know is who that girl is. How did he convince her to be here with him? Was the kiss consensual? Does he have something against her that he's using?

The only thing that goes through her mind is that Rafe is capable of breaking people. And no one deserves that.

"We have to help her," she says through her clenched jaw.

She wasn't scared of Rafe anymore. But she knew that the girl was most likely to open up and ask for help if he wasn't around. That's why she sits back, eyes glued on the couple.

Billy doesn't seem nearly as relaxed. "What do you mean help her?"

"I mean Rafe isn't exactly the nicest person and she needs help."

Her friend visibly pales and winces at that. "Kitty, that's not your job."

"Sure it is. Otherwise it happened to me for nothing, and that's just sad."

"Of course it's not–"

"Look, just drop it," she snaps at her. "I'm helping the girl. We just have to wait until Rafe goes to pee or something."

Billy remains silent for the rest of their wait. It's no use. She doesn't know what got Kathryn in this mood, but she saw the heated exchange between her and JJ the night prior, the distinct lack of ring on her thumb, and, well, she can guess.

Kathryn said some things she shouldn't have, and now, she was destroying herself for it.

Everything Rafe had put her through, this is what it'd led up to, she tells herself. Now, she could use it for the greater good, she could help someone else. She could do the right thing, after so many wrongs last night.

She just needed a few minutes alone with her, that's all. She just needed to warn her, if nothing had happened, and tell her that she had someone who believed her, if it did. That's all Kathryn had wanted for herself. Someone to hold her through it, someone to tell her that she wasn't crazy, that this wasn't right, and that anyone saying the opposite was wrong.

She could be that someone.

Kathryn watches carefully, above Billy's shoulder, as Rafe whispers things in her ears, making her laugh. She thinks she sees her force herself, in the way she grabs his arm. The touch all feels wrong, forced, rushed, with a touch of disgust. She needs to get that girl out of here.

Soon enough, she stands up, sends Rafe another smile that looks more like a grimace, and walks out as he gets up to pay. Kathryn nearly jumps out of her seat.

"Kat," Billy tries. "Kat, what if–"

She shushes her, and leaves after the girl.

It's easy to catch up to her, seeing as Kathryn is practically running, and she's walking. Makes sense. Kathryn wouldn't want Rafe to think that something was wrong, either.

Her hand is on her shoulder before she can think of what to say, how to put her at ease. This isn't going to be an easy conversation, she knows that. She's had that conversation, and hated her friends for sparking it. So a stranger? ... Well at least Kathryn knew how she felt.

The girl is pretty, too. Short brown hair, and bright eyes on a round face. She looks nice. She can't believe Rafe would do that to someone again. At least, she hopes she'll get to keep her kindness. Kathryn will try to help her in that, at least.

"Hi," she starts with a smile. "Sorry, I just saw you inside, and I..."

Recognition floats over her pretty face. "You're Kat Darcy," she says. "Oh, I know you. Hi! I'm Sofia."

Kathryn's smile stays firmly on. This will be easier if she knows her. In fact, if she really does know here, then she must already know that Kathryn is someone she can confide in.

"Right. Look, it might sound... bold, to just come over like this, but I wanted to know if... if you were okay?" she stammers along her sentence, unsure how to phrase it.

When Kathryn pictures someone comforting her at twelve years old, there are rarely words, just the ghostly presence of someone holding her tight, the smell of citrusy sun and a flash of blonde hair. He wouldn't have spoken. That's why her attempt is so chopped up.

Sofia frowns a little, but smiles, still. "What do you mean?"

Kathryn recognises that kind of façade. "It's okay," she promises. "You can tell me. You can tell me, if he hurt you... or threatened to. I believe you."

Her face relaxes, and her mouth forms a little 'o.' "No, no, don't worry, nothing like that. Rafe's a sweetheart."

She can't help the ironic laugh that escapes her. "Sofia, you don't have to lie to me. But if you don't want to tell me, I respect that. Just know that I'm here–"

"Look, Kat, he really did nothing to me." Kathryn's mouth shuts abruptly. "He's told me what happened between you two. So I understand where you're coming from, but he's changed, really. He's kind to me."

Kathryn's face crumbles. "What?"

Sofia's face is genuine, if not a little pitying. "I'm sorry. I know it must be hard to hear, but he's grown. He's past what happened between you two, even if he still beats himself up for it." She puts a hand on Kathryn's shoulder, who recoils. "Sorry. Just... don't worry about me, okay? He'd never hurt me."

"Right," she barely whispers out.

She gives her another apologetic smile, and walks away. Kathryn watches her disappear, barely registering that Billy has caught up to her, hovering over her, but never touching her, unsure if she should in the first place.

Kathryn just stares and stares and stares. Rafe would never hurt Sofia. Everything Kathryn thought were well rehearsed gestures to appease him were acts of love. The kiss was genuine. Rafe was kind to her.

Every single reassurement Kathryn had received, every single time she'd told herself it wasn't her fault, every lie that had been told slipped between her fingers like water. It was all easy, to think that Rafe was the problem, when he wasn't seeing someone. When Kathryn had no comparison.

When Kathryn couldn't look at Sofia's back and wonder, what does she have that saved her? What does she have, that I don't, that meant I deserved what happened? There had to be something, because she'd seen it, and Rafe had been soft.

Nausea swells in her stomach. Tears prick at her eyes. Maybe what happened didn't make Kathryn into this. Maybe she always had been. Maybe that was why she couldn't keep Rafe away, couldn't keep JJ near.

There was something rotten about her. The runt of the litter. She had just gotten so well at hiding it, she even fooled herself.

Her face contorts into a sob, but she holds it in. Kathryn doesn't get sad. Especially not right now. Big John was missing, she was up for potential abduction, and most of all, her friends needed her. They needed her sharp, not all teary and weepy.

It didn't matter that she was tearing at the seams, as long as she was useful.

"Let's go," she says, voice firm. "Pope needs me."

Author's Note: Sigh.......... double update because I needed to cry some more