𝖝𝖝𝖝. Every Breaking Wave
Kathryn won't look away from her father. She's scared that if she does, he'll think he's won, and that thought was insulting. He'd lost for the last time. There was no way he would get back from this, and they both knew it. This was just the last shred of Kathryn's paranoia giving a final cry.
She'd won, and she does hope the thought killed him.
"Yeah?" A gun cocks from behind them. "Well I've got something better than a thought."
Her eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets, glancing up at JJ, and then turning around. This was the third time today. This was getting old, and that came from someone who was kidnapped five times. Still, adrenaline and fear rushed through her veins all at once. This wasn't Ward, this wasn't Edward. She had no way to know if the man in front of her wouldn't shoot to kill.
Kathryn recognises him, as John B holds his own gun up. It's the man that nearly killed him, back at the temalacatl. One of Singh's men. A killer. He wouldn't bat an eye, spilling their blood.
When he sees what the teenage boy does, he aims the gun at Big John panting heavily, thrown across the rock. He wouldn't mind.
"Toss it."
No one dares to say anything. Big John's voice comes out, tired. "Your boss is dead. You got no reason to do this."
"I can think of a few reasons. Toss it!"
John B has no choice. He lowers the gun, and lets it drop on the ground.
Kathryn's heart is still hammering in her chest from her father's confrontation, she barely has time to process anything. She tries to inch towards JJ as best as she can, walking backwards without looking, away from Edward.
"Nobody move!" She was almost there, arm held back, she felt JJ's finger brush against her's. "My mate back there is dead."
She remembers. The man Ward shot, to save her. Her eyes drift to his corpse, now further away from her. She glances at Sarah. Her eyes are red-rimmed, wide with fear and grief. She looks at Edward, stepping closer to her despite the man's order. He gives a single nod of his head towards the man. She turns back to him.
He's staring right at her.
"Because of you."
The colour drains from her face. JJ's fingers slip from her grip, and she hears a low, warning 'Jayj' from Kie. He's getting ready to strike, she can tell without seeing him. Kathryn doesn't know what to do. But she knows that whatever happens, she won't cry.
The man smiles. "You go first."
She remembers the feeling of unescaping doom, holding the pill bottle in her hand. The fear she had. Would it hurt? Would she go down in pain? Or would it feel like sleeping? Living had been so much worse than that prospect. No pain in death would ever compare to the one of being alive.
Kathryn had no montage of her life, in that bleak moment. No, because it would have held her back, wouldn't it? It's like her brain had snapped any tether she had to the world. This had been her only way out. The only way to feel peace.
Now, she couldn't help it. The memories were the only thing she had.
Sarah forcing her to go to the beach. The morning with John B, and the pancakes Max made. Sitting on the Château's docks, thinking about what they'd do if they ever found the gold. Making pancakes with Bee until two A.M.. Midsummers, finding the gold.
Billy arriving on the island. Her best friend coming back from the dead. That night at the Château, before he was taken away from her. Finding the key with Pope, discovering he was a Tanny, Cecilia's grave, the Cross. Meeting Cleo.
Poguelandia. Coming back home, to Henry. The lazy mornings with Kie. Caroline apologising to her. Finding El Dorado.
JJ. JJ, JJ, JJ. JJ on the beach her first night back, JJ taking her hands to get her out of a panic attack, JJ at the Midsummers, JJ at Craine's house, JJ holding her, promising to wait. JJ in her studio, JJ in the car after she saved him from the cops, JJ at the Château, so careful, so sweet, JJ annoying her at school, JJ's face when she kissed him for the first time. JJ always coming for her when she needs it, JJ hugging her when she got into Yale.
His face, his eyes, the slope of his nose, the curve of his lips, the sandy blonde hair, the pouty smile. His fingers, rubbing the spot between her eyebrows. It was all him.
Then, comes the most damning realisation. That she had gotten a second chance, and she seized it. That she had bargained with her life more than once, because she could, because she didn't care what happened, not really. It allowed people to use her, and now, how could she not care? Her being was filled with memories of people she loved.
Kathryn doesn't want to die.
Something brushes against her arm. Her father's hand. He's smiling. Content. Victorious. Kathryn wished she didn't understand why.
She'd told him – his death would destroy her again. She'd given him the upper hand.
Edward was her worst traits personified. He didn't mind dying as long as he was right, as long as he was winning. The fire in him burned him alive, and he had let it for too long. There was no saving him, not anymore. Kathryn hated it. She hated him.
She reaches for her dad when he runs in front of her. The first bullet is already mortal. The second drives the point home. The third makes her scream.
Edward slams against the man, and sends them both flying down the cliff.
Kathryn's air is knocked clean out of her lungs. She inhales, a ragged sound.
"Bug–"
"KD?"
She doesn't answer. She just steps forward, and stands over the edge. Her father's body is down there. Even vertigo doesn't make her half as sick, staring at the blood pooling around him.
Kathryn doesn't cry. She thinks she hasn't quite realised what happened, not yet. The corpse she sees is a dummy, not a living human being. Not her dad, and the fake memories she had of him.
Cold hands are on her arms. Then, JJ tugs her to him, hugging her shoulders. She has half a mind to wrap her arms around his waist, rest her face in the crook of his neck. She should be crying, she realises. She should be sobbing, but nothing comes.
Her dad is dead, and Kathryn doesn't cry.
She closes her eyes, nearly slouching against JJ. He smells like the sun.
"Big John?" Billy's voice comes out, too high. "Hey, Big John?"
🍓
Big John dies on the boat back home.
John B's hand is covered with blood when she holds it, as his father takes his last breath. His last words are about home. He won't see it again.
She lets Sarah hold him. Kathryn brushes the hair out of JJ's wet cheek, plants a kiss there.
There are three graves to build, when they get home, and only one body to bury.
Max cries a lot, holding his baby sister. Henry asks questions. Questions about what happened, why did they go, where did they go, and why Edward wasn't back. Kathryn tells him the truth; he died to save her.
Henry cries too, and says that it's the one good thing he ever did.
Kathryn doesn't cry.
Later, she's lying in bed with JJ, her head on his chest, his fingers playing in her hair. The silence in the room is soft, light, despite all that happened. Kathryn fidgets with his ring, on her thumb.
"You found El Dorado," he says. "Don't think I'm getting over that."
She looks up at him. "Are you trying to find the good in the situation? Because my father has a makeshift grave in the garden."
He tightens his grip on her. "I think I'm distracting us."
She hums, drawing lazy shapes on his stomach. They're both pretty good at avoiding the situation, anyway.
Ward, then her dad, then Big John. A Cameron, a Darcy, and a Routledge. Lana Grubbs had been scared that it'd mean her and John B's deaths, following in their footsteps. That it was meant to happen, no matter what.
Now that it was over, Kathryn thinks she just had the wrong ones in mind.
"It's weird," she breathes out. "It feels weird. We never got a break, through this whole thing. Not once. And now... I don't know what's going to happen."
Kathryn feels like something ended with El Dorado. The Merchant led to the gold, the gold led to the Limbrey, Limbrey led to the Cross, the Cross to the journal, and the journal to El Dorado. El Dorado leads to... nothing. It was all settled, now. Eerily calm.
She never expected the end to be so abrupt. She was running, and then, there was no more finish line. Just a cliff, and her father's body at the bottom of it.
"Well," JJ starts. "We're going to be filthy rich. I'm going to buy a charter boat. Get as much fish as I can with my little hands. And a new bike." She laughs a little. "You're gonna go to Yale, and do some super nerdy shit. I'll pretend I'm not into that. And we'll be okay."
She nods, and stretches up to kiss his lips, softly, because hers still hurts. He kisses the wound softly before letting her go.
"I love you," she says, nestling back against him.
"I love you, too."
She stares at her room, in the darkness. Her yellow bed sheets, the clutter on her desk. The picture of her dad and mom, her mother crossed out. She remembers sitting here, thinking about her father, missing him, a few months ago. When nothing had happened yet.
He wasn't a good man. He'd never been a good man. She had tweaked every single memory she'd had of him. The very idea of him was corrupted. What he'd done to JJ... that was unforgivable.
"He was wrong, you know?" she tells him. "About you."
She feels him stiffen against her. "I know. I know, now." She doesn't blame him for doubting it. Kathryn herself took her father's word as gospel.
She doesn't say anything, for a moment. She doesn't feel like it needs to be said, really. But the words are heavy on her tongue, and JJ's grip on her is soft.
"I think he died hoping to be a martyr, or some shit. That's what happened the first time. He died and I made him the most important person in my life. I guess he thought wrong. Wouldn't be that much of a shocker."
Because this is how this whole thing started, isn't it? Kathryn sitting in bed, grieving her father, worshipping him. Now she knew what kind of man he was. Could grief really change it again?
How did it change it in the first place?
"You know, you can be sad," he says. "He was still your dad."
JJ holds her, when she starts crying.
Her father had never been a nice man. But she could recognise the role he had in shaping her without hating it. The shape of a monster, the shape she had been content with, for so long. But no more. That monster's rage had never been directed at the world – always at herself, the rest was just collateral damage. It was different, now. She could hate him, and not hate herself for it.
She could grieve her father the right way, this time.
Kathryn doesn't know what's going to happen next. Her whole life had always been a succession of her, running after every breaking wave. Each one nearly swallowed her whole. It was the first time she held her head above the surface long enough to feel the sun on her face.
It was time to stop. It was time to breathe something else but the salty liquid that burned her lungs, to stop forcing her head down. She got out.
She was not her father's daughter. She was not her mother's daughter, either. And most of all, Kathryn had never been a monster. Disguised as one, sure. Acted like one, oh, yes, on more than one occasion. But that's not what she was, to her core. It took her a long time to realise it, but she could see it now.
Kathryn Elizabeth Darcy was going to be a girl again, softness and all. Stripped to her core, that's all there ever was. Softness. Heart. Memories.
The rest is lost at sea.
Author's Note: At this point I don't know why I'm crying all I know is I can't stop doing it ???????
I've fussed over the ending for a whileeee tonight, and then I reread this one and started bawling so . I think that's the one folks ...
Developping Kathryn has really taken me four years and I can't believe I'm finally satisfied with it ... Oh I can't see through my tears
I'm going to need a minute to write the Epilogue because it's going to be a MONSTER of a part but you know. It'll be worth it, they gave me 18 months to go crazy!
I don't know how to articulate my thoughts I'm crying too much
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