After taking a women's coffee order, I rubbed my tired eyes and went to wipe down some tables. It was thankfully a slow day. Apparently people didn't need very much coffee today for whatever reason.

I yawned on my way to put the cleaning rag away and Beth, a coworker, stopped me and put her hand on my arm. "You okay, Beau?"

I smiled and rubbed underneath my eyes. "Just had a rough night. Didn't get a lot of sleep." I had woken up from nightmares all night long.

"You know you can talk to me if you need to, right?"

Her face showed such concern and my smile faltered. I tried to be as pleasant as possible at work because no one knew me here and I didn't want to explain my sob story. I didn't want to go around telling everyone, "My boyfriend was thirty years older than me and croaked at fifty-five, had a heart attack in the middle of canned foods section at the grocery store while he was buying me soup. And now I'm a twenty-five-year-old man that doesn't know how to take care of himself. I eat peanut butter for dinner and can't pay the bills. Will you help me?"

Maybe I hadn't been faking it as well as I thought?

I forced a smile back on my face. "Thank you, Beth. That's really sweet. I might take you up on that offer sometime." I wouldn't, but I knew that was what she wanted to hear. It caused her to smile and she surprised me with a hug. She squeezed me tightly and I patted her back awkwardly.

She pulled away and put her hands on my shoulders. "You're part of the family here now, Beau. You better get used to it," she told me with a smile.

I didn't get a chance to reply because the bell rang over the door and I had to take someone's order. I went over to the register and entered my clerk number into the computer before I smiled up at the customer. "What would you like, sir?"

My fake smile faltered when the man gave me a dazzling smile. Holy mother of—

He was absolutely gorgeous.

He had dark hair and dark eyes with thick, sexy scruff on his jaw. He looked like he could be an underwear model.

But he was older than me, by a lot. I could tell.

I cleared my throat and put a professional smile back on my face.

He didn't stop smiling at me. "I've never been here before. What do you recommend–" He looked down at my name tag and then back up at my face. "Beau."

I swallowed, still forcing a smile. "Honestly, sir, I don't drink coffee. So the only things I could recommend are our smoothies or hot chocolate."

His smile never left his face and he chuckled a little. "I'm sure those are delicious, but I really need caffeine this morning. How about just a large black coffee with one shot of espresso?"

I nodded as I entered it into the register. "Can I get a name?" I asked, looking back up at him.

"Jon," he answered, "no H."

I wanted to moan. What a hot name.

Jesus Christ, Beau. Don't be such a slut. An older man smiles at you five months after your boyfriend dies and you want to drop to your knees. Pull yourself together.

I very subtly shook my head and entered his name into the computer.

"Also add on a muffin," he said. "Blueberry."

"Sure," I said pleasantly and added the item onto his order. "Anything else?" I looked up at him. He was so tall, taller than Harrison for sure and he had been tall.

Jon looked at me with that smile on his face and I really thought he was going to say something. He just stared at me. Then he shook his head. "No, that's it."

"Okay, it'll be ready shortly, Jon," I said. "Let me get your muffin."

He seemed to grin even wider at the use of his name. I felt so on edge. No one had ever smiled at me so much.

I got a blueberry muffin out of the pastry case and put it in a little paper bag. I handed it to him and he said, "Thanks, Beau."

My guard was going up further and further the more that smile got to me. I nodded and turned away from him.

He was at least forty. I had told myself that if I ever got involved with someone else then it would not be another older guy. As much as they appealed to me, I couldn't take anymore heartbreak. I had expected to have so much more time with Harrison, but I learned that you can't expect anything. If I ever fell in love with anyone else then I promised myself it would be with someone my own age. I never expected to love someone as much as I loved Harrison, but I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Regardless of age though, it was too soon to think about dating. I was too fucked up to try anything like that.

When I looked back, I saw that Jon had found a table to sit at as he waited for his drink. He took a big bite of his muffin and checked his phone. I realized I was staring when he glanced over at me. One side of his mouth lifted up in a kind of smirk. I blushed and hurried off to find something to do.

Only a few minutes later I heard Paul call Jon's name after making his coffee. I waited a minute, hoping that Jon would leave and I wouldn't have to see him again, but when I went back out to the front he was still there. He was sitting at the same table, but once he noticed me he got up.

I thought he might try to talk to me, but all he said was, "See you around, Beau," with that smile on
his face.

When I didn't say anything, he stopped on his way to the door and raised an eyebrow at me. My eyes widened and I swallowed. "Uh, bye," I managed to say finally.

He smiled and left the store. I let out a breath, feeling so relieved. I took a second to pray that Jon would never come back to the coffee shop because I didn't think I could take it.

But Harrison did always say that God knew exactly what you needed, even if it wasn't what you wanted.

---

I walked into work Wednesday afternoon and saw Paul smirking at me from behind the counter. I suddenly became very, very worried. Paul never looked like that. He was usually very subdued, but right now he was looking at me like the Cheshire Cat.

I thought Paul was cute and he was only twenty-six. I might've asked him out if I wasn't so heartbroken, but I knew he didn't meet two key requirements: being gay and being dominant.

"What?" I said as I came behind the counter.

"Someone came in yesterday...seemed pretty bummed that you weren't here. Jon, I think his name was?" Paul looked happy to be teasing me, but my mouth had gone dry. "He wanted to know your schedule.

"Please tell me you didn't tell him," I said, already horrified.

"Of course I told him! Dude's totally hot and he's super into you!"

My hands shook and I crossed my arms over my chest to hide it. "Well, what if I'm not into him?"

"You'd be crazy not to be!" He raised an eyebrow then. "Is it his age? Are you not into the 'daddy' thing? I thought that was popular in the gay community."

"Oh my god." My face was on fire and I had to turn away.

"You are, aren't you?" Paul asked and I could practically hear the smirk. "You totally have the hots for him!"

"Paul!" I hissed and turned back around. "Look, if you see him again just tell him I'm not interested. I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

He looked giddy as he said, "Looks like you'll have to tell him yourself."

He was looking at a point over my shoulder and I turned around just as Jon was walking through the door. I squeaked and tried to move past Paul. "You take his order. I need to- uh! Clean things!"

"Nuh uh, buddy," he said, chuckling and shoved me towards the register.

I looked at Paul, horrified. He winked at me and I wanted to maul him. He gestured his head to the side a couple times towards the counter, smiling. I finally turned to walk the rest of the way to the register. I put a fake smile on my face before I looked up at Jon. He had that fucking grin on his face again. "What can I get you? Same as Monday?" I looked down and started entering my clerk number into the register.

"Actually, I was hoping to get your number," he said confidently.

My head jerked up. I was shocked. I didn't expect him to be so forward so quickly. I hadn't been asked out in seven years and I was completely unused to it. My eyes were wide and I tried to blink away the shock from my face. He never stopped smiling. I cleared my throat and got myself under control.

"How old are you?" I asked. It was totally rude, but he would just have to deal with it.

He chuckled. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-five."

"I'm forty-six. So can I have your number?"

Forty-six. If he had just been an older looking thirty-year-old I might've considered it. But he was only three years younger than Harrison had been when we met. If things went the same way with Jon as it did with Harrison we would only have nine years together. I couldn't handle that. I couldn't loose another person I cared about. I couldn't take that risk.

"Um...no," I finally answered. "No, you can't." Did that sound confident?

I heard Paul gasp a few feet away.

Jon raised an eyebrow. I was learning that was the expression he used when I did something that didn't please him. "Is it my age? Do you not like older men?"

Uh, no," I began stammering and stuttering. "No, no, that's not- that's not it. It's- it's...complicated."

His smirk appeared. "I can handle complicated."

I shook my head. "Trust me, you can't handle my complicated." I looked down at my hands. I was knotting my fingers together nervously.

He reached his arm across the counter and used his finger to tip my chin up, forcing me to look at him. "Trust me," he said very, very firmly. My heart beat faster just at his tone. "I can," he finished. He had kept a loose grip on my chin while he spoke, then he moved his thumb along my bottom lip.

Holy fuck, he was confident.

I just stared at him for an indeterminable amount of time...I might have been panting.

What are you doing, Beau? Snap the hell out of it! You can't truly be considering it!

I shook my head and took a step back, causing him to drop his hand from my face. "I'm sorry. The answer is still no."

He was quiet for a moment, his head cocked to the side. "You're an interesting guy, Beau. You want to say yes, but you're saying no."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I didn't acknowledge it. "Do you want something to drink?"

His smile returned. "No, I have a meeting-" He checked his watch, "-that I'm already running late for. I'll be back Friday though."

Friday was the next day I worked. I wanted to protest. I wanted to scream, "Just leave me alone! You can't handle my kind of fucked up!" As much as I wanted some strong, older man to come in and fix all my problems, that wasn't going to happen. Jon would run the first time he saw the real me. The messy me.

"Bye, Beau," Jon said and started walking towards the door. He called, "Bye, Paul!"

"Bye, Jon! Have a nice day!" Paul said back cheerily.

And with that the door closed behind Jon.

"Oh my god, Paul! I'm going to kill you! God dammit!" I yelled. Thankfully there were no customers in the store or else that might have been a cause to fire me. I had actually stamped my foot on the floor and it just reminded me that Harrison would scold me when I acted so immature. I took a deep breath.

Paul held his hands up in front of him like I was a wild animal. "I'm sorry, Beau. I didn't know you would be so upset. I've never seen you like this."

Guilt rushed into me. I was acting crazy. Paul only thought he was helping me hook up with a hot guy. He had no idea what I'd been going through. He didn't know about Harrison. And for the first time I wanted to open up, to just explain why I was acting like a maniac. I didn't want Paul to hate me now.

"It's not your fault," I said. "I'm sorry for acting like a psycho. It's just...I was with someone for awhile and...they're not here anymore." I looked down at my toes. That was the closest I could come to telling him that my boyfriend had died and left me all alone with way too many bills and no life skills.

"Holy shit," Paul replied. "Like...?" I guess he wanted to know if I really meant not here anymore, as in dead. I nodded my head. "Fuck," he cursed loudly. "I'm sorry, Beau. I never would've talked to that guy had I known. Really, I'm sorry."

"It's ok. It's not your fault." I looked back up at him.

"Still, I'm really sorry. And I'm sorry about your boyfriend."

I smiled the tiniest bit. "Thanks." I almost started spewing word vomit everywhere, telling Paul all my problems, but I reined it all in. No one wanted to hear that and I still didn't know Paul that well, I wasn't going to weigh him down with my issues.

Paul said, "I promise if I ever see that guy again I'll tell him to leave you alone. He was way too pushy, you don't need to deal with that."

Little did he know that I liked pushy, I liked confident, I liked rough, I liked dominant. But I didn't want to go into that with Paul. "Don't worry about me, Paul. I can handle it." He gave me a skeptical look, seeming to take in my short stature and slim frame. "Don't worry!" I chirped and went off to wipe down tables.

Don't worry became my mantra for the rest of the day.

Don't worry about the bills piling up on the table. Don't worry about the family barbecue on Saturday. Don't worry about the bookstore.

And don't worry about Jon.

Don't.

---

On Thursday night I was pushing a shopping cart down the cereal aisle at the grocery store and failing at not worrying. I had to be at work tomorrow morning and I was so nervous to see Jon again. If he ended up showing up. Which I was pretty positive he would. He didn't look like the type to take no for an answer.

I picked up a box of strawberry Pop Tarts and tossed them into the cart. They were on sale so I threw in a box of blueberry ones too. I only had forty dollars to spend on groceries so I needed to spend it wisely.

Going to the store was very hard for me. This particular store wasn't one that Harrison and I had gone to often. He had insisted on shopping at the local health food store, but that was where he had his heart attack and I refused to go there. I knew if I went there a breakdown was inevitable. I would be reduced to a sobbing mess on the dirty linoleum.

So that meant I had to go to the bigger chain store, which made me drive right past Harrison's bookstore.

It was a lose/lose situation.

I sighed and went to grab a box of cereal. I was contemplating the many choices, trying to decide between Frosted Mini Wheats or Coco Puffs, when I heard, "Beau?"

My brain short circuited as I recognized the voice. I turned my head to right to see Jon coming down the aisle with a basket in his hand.

"I thought that was you," he said happily as he stopped next to my cart.

I didn't even know this guy existed five days ago and now I'd seen him three days this week. I said the only thing that came to my mind. "Are you stalking me?"

A short burst of laughter escaped his lips. He shook his head. "No, Beau, I'm not stalking you."

I looked at him and realized that what I'd seen him wearing before must have been his work clothes because now he was wearing a t-shirt that showed off his muscles and loose-fitting jeans. My mouth watered and I looked away.

I decided to go with Coco Puffs and I tossed the box into my cart. I really didn't want Jon seeing me right now. I looked like a mess. I was wearing low hanging sweat pants and a shirt that Harrison had bought me at the fair two years ago, it had a fat unicorn puking rainbow glitter on it. Plus my shoulder length hair was ratty and tangled. I had put no effort into making myself look nice after I had gone to fix myself a snack and realized I had no food. I figured it was late enough and there wouldn't be many people at the store, so who cared if I looked like a slob? I was really regretting my decision now.

I started pushing my cart down the aisle and Jon followed me. He asked, "Why don't you let me take you on a date?"

"No, thank you," I said, trying to sound polite as you could while turning someone down. I needed to stay strong on this matter. I couldn't let myself give in to his desires.

When I glanced back at him, I saw that he was watching my ass as I walked. I frowned and looked forward again. Who did he think he was? Just staring like that!

I may have been trying to hide how much I liked it by pretending to be offended.

"I'm just going to keep asking until you say yes," he told me as I turned out of the aisle.

"That's harassment," I said.

"I don't think it's harassment if you want to say yes."

I didn't know what to say to that because I'm pretty sure it would still be harassment if I kept telling him no and he kept pursuing me.

I turned down the aisle with the peanut butter. "Don't you have better things to do with your time? You're like an old man. Shouldn't you be golfing or something?"

"You think I'm old?" He asked, but I could hear the amusement in his voice. After a moment he said, "I'm not really into golfing, but I play on an adult softball team." I stooped down to grab the biggest jar of peanut butter on the bottom shelf. "What do you do for fun, Beau?"

"Nothing really," I said, waddling to the cart with the peanut butter in my hands.

"Holy shit, that's a lot of peanut butter."

His cursing made me smile. Harrison would have never said something like that. The two of them were pretty much completely different. That might have been a good thing. I thought the only thing they had in common was that they were both the alpha male type, but Jon definitely showed it more outwardly.

"What are you smiling about?" He asked curiously. "That's the first genuine smile I've ever seen from you."

"Just thinking," I said and began pushing the cart.

He stopped me by grabbing my arm. I didn't try to get out of his grasp. "Please go on a date with me, Beau."

I frowned. "I can't. Please stop asking." I lightly pulled my arm back, but he didn't let go.

"You only want me to stop asking because you know you'll say yes eventually."

I couldn't deny that that was true. I didn't say anything and just pulled my arm away again, testing him. He squeezed my bicep and then let me go. That's when he looked in my cart.

He looked confused. "Do you have younger siblings that your shopping for?"

"No, it's just me." I started to push the cart, but he gripped it and held it in place.

"You can't live off this shit." He picked up the box of blueberry Pop Tarts, dropping it back in the cart. "You need to take care of yourself."

I lost my voice, thinking that Harrison would have said something really similar. I looked up at Jon's face, the concern that showed in his expression. Why did he care? He didn't even know me.

I lifted my chin. "Unless you're my boyfriend, you can't tell me what to do."

His nostrils flared at that. I could see anger in his eyes, but also...interest. He had read into the subtext of my statement. I liked my boyfriends to take control, to tell me what to do. And now Jon knew that and he liked it. I figured he would, I could feel the dominance rolling off him.

"I need milk," I said and started pushing the cart towards the dairy section. Jon followed me.

I grabbed a gallon of one percent milk and set it in the cart. Jon opened a nearby door and pulled out two containers of cottage cheese, one he put in his basket and the other he put in my cart.

"I don't want that," I said.

"It's good for you," he stated as if that would change my mind.

"I'm not going to eat it."

"It's good with peaches. You'll like it."

"I don't have peaches."

He pulled out two peaches from his basket and set them in my cart. I started breathing heavily. I couldn't afford to pay for this stuff. The reason for eating crappy food, other than not knowing how to cook, was that I literally could not afford healthy food. The world was fucked up and food that was good for you was way more expensive than food that was bad for you.

"No, Jon, no," I said, still breathing heavily. "I can't- I-" Holy shit I was panicking. Right in the middle of the store and right in front of Jon. "I can't buy this!" I gasped. "I can't afford it!"

I was grabbing for the stuff in my cart, but Jon grabbed my elbow and pulled me away from it. "Hey, shh," he said. I took big gulps of air, trying to breath. "Look at me. Look at me, Beau." I looked up into his chocolate brown eyes. He ran his hands up and down my arms and began talking me. "Just look at me and try to breath, okay? Take slow breaths. Slow. Slower. That's it, good...You don't have to buy those things. I'll buy them, okay? I didn't mean to push you so hard...Good breathing. See, I can handle your complicated, can't I?"

A little laughter bubbled up inside me and I let it out. I started to lean into Jon and he wrapped his arms around me. My cheek rested against his chest and I breathed in. He didn't smell like Harrison, but he still smelled like a man and I missed that scent. He smelled so good. Outdoorsy and musky and mouthwatering.

I let myself relax in his arms for much too long, eventually I pulled away. "Thanks, Jon. I...Just thanks."

The way he smiled at me was much sweeter and more subdued than his smile in the past had been. It made my heart flutter.

I rubbed my eyes. "What time is it?"

He checked his watch. "Ten thirty."

I sighed. "I need to go home. I have work in the morning, I should be sleeping."

He picked the peaches and cottage cheese out of my cart and put them back in his basket. "Let me help you out."

"No, Jon," I said gently. "Please, just let me go. Let me do it on my own." He didn't look happy. "I'll see you tomorrow, right?" That seemed to appease him because he nodded, but he didn't smile. "See you then. Bye." I started pushing my cart towards the check out counters. I could feel his eyes on my back until I was out of sight.

After I got all the groceries into the trunk of the car, I sat in the driver's seat, did my usual routine, and then turned the key. Nothing happened. I turned the key again.

The car wouldn't turn on.

My lip trembled. I looked up. "Why, God?"

I ran my hands over the steering wheel, having no clue what I should do. I wished Harrison was here. He would've known what to do. I wouldn't have had to worry about anything. I let out a breath.

There was knock at the window and I looked over to see Jon leaning down and looking in at me.

"Did you do this?" I asked.

He smiled wryly. "So I'm stalking you and sabotaging your car? I'm just a devious guy, aren't I?"

I shrugged and ran my hands over the steering wheel again.

"Come on, Beau, get out of the car."

I did as he said. "What's wrong with it?" I asked.

"It could be the alternator, it could be the battery. I'll call a tow truck and have it taken to a shop, but for right now let's just get you home." He put a hand on my back to guide me away from the car.

"I can't afford a tow truck or taking it to a shop," I said numbly.

"Don't worry about it. Don't worry about anything."

I guess he knew my mantra.

He brushed at my hair and brought me to a large truck. He opened the passenger side door and helped me in.

"My groceries," I said and tried to get out.

"Shh," he said and tucked my legs back into the truck. "I'll get them.

I think I nodded and he shut the door. I rested my head against the window as I watched him take trips bringing my groceries to his truck. I didn't even have to lift a finger. It felt so nice—having someone else take control.

He got into the driver's seat and started the truck. "You cold?" he asked. I hadn't even realized I was shivering. He turned the heat all the way up and pulled out of the parking space.

Jon was a careful driver, which I appreciated. I felt safe with him. And that was the dangerous part.

I gave him directions back to my house and he made idle chit chat on the way. I replied quietly or said nothing at all. I was so done. The car was just the last thing to break me. That was Harrison's car. What would I do without it? How would I get around? I supposed I'd have to take the bus again.

"Hey...hey," Jon said and I turned my attention towards him. "What did I say about worrying?" I didn't reply. "What did I say?" He said more sternly.

I couldn't not answer to that voice. "You said not to."

"Are you going to do as I say?"

God. There was such authority in his tone, all I wanted to do was do everything he wanted.

I nodded.

"Good boy."

I gasped, feeling aroused at those two words. What was he doing to me? I shouldn't be feeling this way, not so soon after Harrison. Jon didn't even know about him. He didn't know I was being such a slut five months after my boyfriend died.

"You're not a slut," he said.

My eyebrows raised high on my forehead and I looked at him, horrified. "What?" Had I really just said all that out loud?

"You said 'I'm such a slut' and you're not. I don't see you throwing yourself at me, do you?"

So I hadn't mentioned Harrison? That was good. I knew I would end up telling Jon about him, but I didn't want it to be tonight.

I shook my head. Jon reached over and put his large hand on my neck, underneath my hair. I felt comforted by the gesture. I felt security.

I averted my eyes as we drove past the dark bookstore. That was something I didn't need to think about. Jon told me not to worry and I wanted to listen to him.

I gave him the last few directions to my house and soon we were pulling into the driveway.

He looked up at the house. "Do you have roommates?"

I shook my head. "No, it's just me."

He looked perplexed. He didn't know how I could live in a two-story house in a nice suburb by myself when I couldn't afford groceries or a tow truck. He didn't ask questions though, which I greatly appreciated. He came around and helped me out of the truck and into the house.

"Sit," he commanded as he took me to the couch. "I'll bring the groceries in, just tell me where the kitchen is." I pointed in the direction of the kitchen and he went out to fetch the groceries.

I relaxed into the couch and closed my eyes. I heard him coming in and out of the house. And then I heard him opening and closing cupboards and the fridge as he tried to find where to put things.

When I opened my eyes he was by the table, glancing over the overdue bills. I sighed, but didn't say anything. They all had Harrison's name on them. Jon was bound to figure it out now, he wasn't stupid. But maybe he would just think that my boyfriend left me. Who knows?

He looked over at me, but there wasn't a pitying look one his face as I had expected. I couldn't read his expression. It was a complicated look.

He came over to me. "How are you doing?"

"Just tired," I mumbled.

"You need help into bed?" He asked.

I shook my head, wanting to say yes. Help me to bed, take my clothes off, hold me until I fall asleep.

"Beau, I need your number." It wasn't a request anymore, it was a command. I rattled off the numbers to him and he quickly entered them into his phone. "What time do you need to be at work tomorrow?"

"Eight."

"Get some sleep. I'll be here at seven thirty."

I hadn't even thought about not having a way to get to work.

He bent down to kiss the top of my head. He tilted my chin up and studied my face for a moment. He cupped my cheek and I leaned into the touch.

He pulled away too soon, telling me, "Lock the door behind me. Then go to bed."

I nodded. He left and I heard the door shut. I slowly got off the couch and locked the door like he told me, then went straight to bed. I didn't bother stripping out of my clothes. I collapsed onto the bed, barely managing to pull the covers over me before I was asleep.