My fingers caught on the buttons as I put on one of my nicer shirts. The depressed part of myself was trying to talk out the saner part from going to church this morning. I swallowed and forced myself to button the shirt. I looked at myself in the mirror on the back of the bedroom door as I finished dressing, pulling on a cardigan. I just hoped no one else would see the sadness in my eyes...but who was I kidding? It was plain as day. The pain I was experiencing showed in every facet of my expression. I even tried to smile, but it just looked so pitiful. Hopefully everyone at church would be too nice to say anything about my appearance.

I knew everyone would be happy to see me. I hadn't stepped foot in a church since Harrison's...funeral.

Was that so hard to say to yourself, Beau? He's dead, he had a funeral. Though you don't remember half of it because you were so out of your mind, you pathetic piece of shit.

My eyebrows drew together and my lower lip trembled, but just the slightest bit. Your brain could be mean to you when you were depressed. I'd learned that a long time ago.

I brushed my hands over my shirt, smoothing the invisible wrinkles. I smiled at myself in the mirror one more time, willing myself to have that little twinkle, that little sparkle that Harrison always said I had in my eyes.

It was gone though. Had been gone for five months. It probably wasn't ever coming back.

I left the large bedroom before the emptiness could start closing in on me. I was sleeping in the guest room now, but I hadn't found the motivation to move my clothes. I couldn't find the motivation to do anything these days.

I breathed deeply as I made my way downstairs. I didn't want to start panicking before I even made it to church. I was going. I was not going to talk myself out of it.

I went to put on my shoes, ignoring the stack of bills I had set on the dining room table. Yesterday I told myself "you'll deal with them tomorrow". I had set them right there so I couldn't pretend to will them out of existence, but now I was trying really, really hard not to think about them.

I swallowed thickly and brushed at my cheeks, but I wasn't crying. I grabbed my shoes from the shoe rack that I refused to stop using. Harrison had gotten on me so hard when I first moved in, telling me very firmly that no, I couldn't just throw my shoes wherever I wanted. I actually smiled at the memory of his arms waving around as he scolded me. I refused to let a sob bubble up.

It's a happy memory, Beau. You can remember things and be happy, right? You don't have to be sad all the time.

I finished putting on my shoes and made sure I had my wallet and phone before grabbing the keys from the little bowl on the table by the door. Another thing I refused to stop using even though in the beginning I had told Harrison how stupid it was. He always had to have things just so. I really loved that about him. I can't remember if I ever told him.

I moved some hair behind my ear and unlocked the door, locking it back up again once I was outside. I got in the car and buckled my seat belt, making sure I could see in all the mirrors. I turned the car on, no radio playing. I hated driving, Harrison always, always drove. I hadn't driven anywhere in the seven years we were together.

I pulled out of the driveway. I was doing it. I was actually going out and doing something I used to do every single Sunday for seven years. I had talked myself into it and it was actually happening. I couldn't help the proud little smile that slipped onto my face.

Now I just needed to stick to the right direction and not end up pulling off to the side of the road and blubbering like a baby.

You can do it, Beau.

---

The service ended with the band singing a few songs that I tried to sing along to. I was running out of steam and I really just wanted to go home and curl up on the couch with Harrison's favorite blanket, it had stopped smelling like him a long time ago, but I still loved it.

After the final few notes of the song played, I wiped my palms on my pants and stood up. Not a second later I was accosted by a group of three women. I could see other people waiting in the wings to talk to me. I was not getting out of here quickly, unfortunately. I don't know why I thought I would.

"Beau," all three women said at the same time, it was actually pretty creepy.

"Nancy, Linda, Carol," I said, forcing a smile.

"It's so nice to see you, sweetie," Carol said. "Can I give you a hug?"

I nodded. Carol was round and short, just as short as me, so it didn't make it awkward. I hated being hugged by tall people. Except Harrison, I had only ever felt safe with his height and bulk wrapped around me.

Once Carol hugged me, Nancy and Linda took their turns. I knew I was going to have to hug at least twenty more people before I got out of here. I already felt exhausted.

"We've missed you, sugar," Nancy said, resting her hand on my arm. "How have you been holding up?"

How did I answer that?

I forced a small smile. "Well, you know..." I didn't know where I was going with that and it just trailed off with no continuation in sight.

Someone saved me though by saying an excited, "Beau!"

Hannah, Nancy's daughter, came over and gave me a one armed hug while she had her baby propped on her hip. For the life of me I couldn't remember the baby's name. That made me feel like fucking shit.

I forced another smile as I looked at Hannah. "It's nice seeing you," I said for lack of anything better to say. I even used to get coffee with Hannah once a month before my life became a nightmare. Harrison said that it was good that I had friends so I didn't "bother him all the time", so I picked Hannah as a friend after I started going to church with Harrison. He hated when I went to get coffee with her, I could tell, but he never wanted to admit that he missed me when I was gone for only a few hours.

Hannah said something about getting together again soon before her baby started crying and she had to go outside. Nancy, Carol, and Linda continued to talk and I'm not sure if I answered. I felt numb. This all felt so wrong, being here without Harrison. I hadn't even wanted to go to church in the first place when I started dating him, but he was bossy and made me do things I didn't want to do just because he wanted to do them. I missed that, I missed it so much.

I felt lost, empty without his hand on my back as he talked to other church goers. He knew everyone and got along with all of them. He was much less grumpy around other people than he was around me. I knew everyone at the church had been on the fence about our relationship as first. Not because Harrison was gay, everyone knew that and it didn't matter. Everyone had been unsure of me at first because I was thirty years younger than him. That had come to a shock to all of them when I had first shown up with him. A lot of people asked if I was his nephew. They knew he didn't have children, so the closest explanation for my young age was being his nephew.

I had heard the slightly embarrassed grumble in his voice as he explained that I was his boyfriend.

When I snapped out of my memories, I was hugging someone else. I don't know how long I had been stuck in my own head, but as I looked around at the people waiting to talk to me I felt completely overwhelmed.

"I- I'm sorry," I stuttered to a friend of Harrison's that had been talking to me. "I- I have to- have to go."

I turned around and found the quickest exit, wrapping my arms around myself and ignoring all the pitying looks I got. Everyone knew I was worthless without Harrison. I was just a stupid kid that didn't know what he was doing. Useless.

I quickly got back into the car and muffled a sob with a hand over my mouth. I put my seat belt on, checked all the mirrors, and turned the car on. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was putting the emergency brake down when there was a knock on the window. I looked over to see the pastor peering in at me.

"You shouldn't drive when your upset, Beau. Why don't you come back inside and calm down?" He asked outside the car.

"No," I almost shouted. "I need- I need to leave. I need to go home." Home where all my memories suffocated me even more, but at least I could suffocate in Harrison's worn sweater that was way too big for me. I could sit in his office and go through the file on his computer that was just pictures of me and the two of us together. I couldn't stand anyone looking at me for another second. I needed to be alone, just me and my heartache.

"Beau," Pastor Bill said gently. "Son, please come back inside. Harrison would've wanted—"

I put my hands over my ears and screamed. I closed my eyes started mumbling gibberish about knowing Harrison better than anyone and other crazy shit. Pastor Bill tried to open the car door, but I had already locked it when I got in.

I opened my eyes and put the car in reverse. Pastor Bill frantically knocked on the car window, saying my name over and over again as I backed out of the parking space. I put the car into drive and tore out of the parking lot. As soon as I was on the road, I felt guilty about leaving Pastor Bill like that when he had only been trying to help. No one could help me though. I was drowning and it was way too late to save me. I was just waiting for my heart to break that last inch and leave me dead.

I think I was swerving on the road because I was getting honked at a lot. Tears blurred my vision and I was driving faster than I ever did. I just needed to get home. Trying to go out and do normal things was a mistake. Why did I think I could handle it? I had really grown to love the sense of community that church had, but that was something I did with Harrison. I never would've gone to church had it not been for him. Why did I choose one of the activities that I always, always did with him? I may as well just shot my myself in the chest, it would've been less painful.

I finally pulled into our driveway, parking haphazardly. I ran to the door, but my hands were shaking so bad that I dropped the keys as I tried to unlock it. I tried a second time and managed it. I slammed the door shut and locked it immediately. I needed to keep everyone out, keep everyone away from me. I was self-destructing and I needed to do it alone.

I curled up in Harrison's armchair with his blanket, but I scrambled when I noticed that my shoes were on the furniture. I took them off and scurried them over to the shoe rack, then sat back on the chair. I huddled under the blanket, knees pulled to my chest. I put the blanket to my nose, trying to find any trace of his scent, but there was nothing.

I cried, hating that I had used the blanket so much that there was no trace of him left on it. I screamed again.

What a fucking mess you are, Beau. You were a mess when you met Harrison and he managed to fix you up a little, make you a decent human being, but now you're all fucked up again.

I sobbed, soaking the blanket with my tears. That's what it smelled like now—salt and sadness.

Eventually I tired myself out. I cried myself to sleep for the millionth time in the past five months. But my dreams weren't any better than real life.

---

I walked into the quaint little bookstore with the list of books I needed in my hand. When I actually entered the store I realized they would be much harder to find then I initially thought. The store was much bigger than it appeared on the street.

My eyes flitted over to the checkout counter. A man stood behind it, looking at something on the computer and occasionally scribbling something down. He hadn't stopped to greet me even though a little bell above the door had announced my entrance.

I walked over and he completely ignored me. Eventually I put the list down on the counter and said, "I need these books." The man's eyes looked up, slightly narrowed. "It said online that you have them," I clarified. They were books I needed to finish an essay for my English course I was taking at the community college. I had been on the bus for two hours to get to this store, so if he told me they didn't have them I was going to flip out.

He grabbed the list from the counter and looked it over then looked back at me, eyes still slightly narrowed. He was actually quite handsome even with the scowl on his face. His dark hair was peppered with gray and he looked old enough to be my father, but that didn't turn me off in the slightest. He didn't appear to have any interest in me though as he said, "I can get these for you." But he clearly wasn't happy about it.

He gave me one more narrowed glance before he left the counter and went to find the books I needed. I only waited five minutes before he returned and set them in front of me. He was much gentler with the books than I expected him to be since he still looked pissed.

I looked through them quickly, checking to make sure they were the right titles, before he started ringing me up.

My mouth went dry when he said, "That will be seventy-eight fifty-four."

"I- uh-" I scrambled to pull the bills I did have out of my pocket. They were all crumpled and I tried to smooth them out, this guy didn't seem the type to put up with crinkled money. "I only have-" I swallowed. "I'm sorry, I don't have enough, but thank you for your help." With my face on fire, I turned to leave.

His voice was rough when he spoke. "How much do you have?"

I turned to face him again as I smoothed the bills in my hands. "Twenty-six," I answered, beyond embarrassed.

He raised his eyebrow at me like he couldn't believe I had expected to be able to afford three hardcover books with twenty-six dollars. I started to stammer, but he held up his hand and I stopped immediately.

"You may have them," he said. When I started to object he gave me a look and I snapped my mouth shut. "Consider it a loan," he explained. My expression must have shown my confusion because he explained. "Can you be here on Saturdays?"

I nodded quickly. I was never doing anything on the weekends. Occasionally I hung out with some friends from high school, but if the handsome bookshop owner wanted me to be here on Saturdays, I would be here.

He gave me a stern, firm look that got my blood flowing way more than it should've. "I expect you to be here at twelve pm sharp."

I nodded again and he pushed the books toward me. I quickly grabbed them and clutched them to my chest. "Thank you, sir."

"Harrison," he said, not looking very happy to give me his name. He looked like a grumpy bear.

"I'm Beau. It's nice to meet you," I said politely. He just nodded, still not smiling. Right then it became my personal mission to get him to smile. Maybe it wouldn't happen to today, but it would happen. "Do you mind if I stay and look these over?"

He didn't say anything, just moved his hand to gesture to the tables set up in the corner of the store. I forced a pleasant smile and turned away. If I swung my hips way more than usual then that didn't mean anything. I felt eyes on me and that made me smile.

I sat at one of the tables and tried to focus on the information that was in the books. I needed to get an amazing grade on the essay or else I would most likely fail the class. I still felt eyes on me though and I would look up through my eyelashes to find Harrison already looking at me. He would scowl and look away. I don't know why, but it made me smile.

After playing that game for at least half an hour, I decided it was time to leave. Give him a chance to think about me before I had to be back next week. I smirked, swaying my hips again as I walked towards the door. I waved my fingers at him with my free hand.

"Twelve sharp," he ordered.

"I'll be here!" I chirped and left the store.

Oh, I would definitely be there. I would be thinking about handsome bookshop owner Harrison all week.

Little did I know that he was the love of my life.

---

I awoke to my phone ringing and buzzing in my pocket.

"Harrison?" I groggily called out. I blinked, everything coming back to me quite quickly. I did that a lot, called for him when I woke up like I expected him to come to my side and brush my hair back as I yawned, trying wake up. He had been a morning person, always up before me.

I whimpered, knowing that he was never going to be there to wake me up ever again.

My phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I pulled it out and answered, barely looking at the caller ID to see that it was my brother.

"Hello?"

"Hey, baby bro," Liam said. "Did I wake you? You sound sleepy."

"Yeah," I replied, "but it's fine. I was just napping." I smoothed down a loose string on the blanket, forcing myself not to pick at it.

"Have you been sleeping enough?"

"I'm fine, Liam," I said.

"You're not fine, but I'll let that lie slide. Mom wants me to talk you into coming to the family barbecue on Saturday," he told me. I could tell he was approaching it carefully.

"Oh, no. I- I couldn't. I can't drive that far." My family lived an hour and a half away if you took a car. Two hour bus ride, but I hadn't ridden the bus in years.

Liam sighed. "I'll come pick you up, Beau."

"No, no, I don't want to be any trouble."

"Beau, it's not a problem. We all miss you. We never see you and you're all alone over there."

I bit my lip. I wasn't sure if I even really wanted to see my family. They had never really approved of my relationship with Harrison. They had always said he was too old for me and when he died they all gave me looks that said "I told you so" as if they had expected him to die at fifty-five. I hadn't been able to stand the looks, so I stayed away as much as I could. Liam had never been that way though. He was protective of me and called Harrison a pervert at first, but then he told me he saw how much I loved him. He was the only supportive one in my family.

"I'm...not sure," I finally said.

"I'm not giving you a choice. I'll be there at ten to pick you up."

I sighed.

He changed the subject. "How's work going?"

"Fine." As well as it could be going with having zero work experience. I had done nothing for the past seven years. Harrison took care of everything and I didn't even realize what a useless waste of space I was until he died. I couldn't do anything for myself and that was glaringly obvious when I started working at the coffee shop two months ago. Harrison hadn't left enough money for the bills to have been paid for more than a couple months, so I'd had to get a job. Not that I could pay the bills with my minimum wage salary, but at least I could buy food and keep the electricity on. I had been so terrible as a barista at first, but everyone at work had been so patient and nice even though they had no idea who I was or what I'd just gone through. I hadn't gotten much better after working there for two months, but I hadn't gotten fired yet.

"Just fine?" asked Liam.

"Yeah, just fine."

"Do you like your coworkers?"

"Sure. They're nice."

"Have you hung out with anyone recently?"

I held in another sigh. "No," I answered honestly. "I mostly just stay at home."

He was the one that ended up sighing. "It would be good for you to get out, Beau."

I didn't say anything. I just smoothed the little stray string over and over.

We were both silent for a couple minutes. I hoped he would get tired of talking to me and just tell me goodbye, but that didn't seem to be happening.

"Have you decided what to do with the bookstore?" He asked.

I tugged at my hair. I whispered, "No."

"Beau, it's just sitting there. You could sell-"

"Listen, I have to go Liam. There's someone at the door. I'll see you Saturday." And with that I hung up.

I breathed deeply to keep from panicking. I didn't need this kind of stress right now.

What kind of stress, Beau? Life? You worthless piece of fucking shit.

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I checked my phone for the time, seeing that it was three pm. I'd slept for three hours. I was a little hungry so I got some peanut butter and crackers, curled back up on the chair and turned on the tv.

I sat there for hours and stared at the tv. It started getting dark and I felt a little hungry again, thankfully there was more peanut butter and crackers for dinner. I sighed as I took my dinner to the coffee table, switching to the couch. Harrison would be so mad at me if he saw what I was eating now. I lived off peanut butter and Lunchables, or whatever I could put in the microwave. Harrison would tan my hide if he knew I wasn't taking care of myself properly, but I couldn't cook. He had cooked all of our meals. I went from living with my parents to living with Harrison, my mom cooked for me and then Harrison cooked for me. I had never learned any kitchen skills.

I shoved a cracker in my mouth and kept my attention on the tv. If I looked to the side I could see the stack of bills on the dining room table. I shoved another cracker smothered in peanut butter into my mouth.

Once I was full, I cocooned myself in Harrison's blanket and laid on the couch. After a few hours I started to drift to sleep. I yawned and checked the time on my phone to see that it was past ten pm. I had work at eight am tomorrow so I knew I'd better get some sleep. I got up, folded the blanket and put it on the back of Harrison's chair and brought my leftover peanut butter and crackers to the kitchen.

I shut the tv off and then all the lights off on the way up to the guest room. I stripped down to my underwear and crawled under the covers. I set an alarm on my phone and closed my eyes.

I hoped for a dreamless sleep.