It's been more than a week, complete seven days but the difference is this Saturday, I'm here alone on my couch in front of a flat screen television which is showing some news but my mind is not able to figure out what they are saying as the only thought fresh in my mind is how after even seven year by looking at those dark brown eyes for mere few seconds I am still stumbling, and the most infuriating part is when finally I was able to control myself, when after such a long time I was finally breathing and making myself calm, when I was able to believe on the idea of not seeing her accusing eyes ever again, that maybe, maybe there won't be anyone who would see me with the same disgust like hers but because of her today I am still there at the same exact point where I was all those years ago, but this time I don't have any hate for myself inside me but there is this longing for forgiveness, Allah had blessed me enough but I want myself to be forgiven by those whose culprit I am. Khadija, Hasan, Jeanine and every single person I have hurt, misused or betrayed.

Sometimes I want to ask every single person around me that have they ever made such a mistake that it's guilt is still killing them and every minute of every day they want to undo it and they would do anything to make it up to their blunders or is it just me? Am I the only one this corrupted? Am I the one burning in the desire to set my heart, soul and mind free from this burden? And if I'm, so till when I am going to be like this? Maybe I am being selfish here, maybe I am forgetting of how merciful Allah have been all these times and maybe I saw her again so I could ask for her mercy and if she doesn't want to forgive, that's alright I just want her to not look at me with the way she looked me that day all those years ago. Her tear stained face and her accusing eyes are still haunting me.

"Wali I have set up the table." I looked up to Joe who patted my back informing about the dinner.

"Yeah... yeah I'll be right there, thanks Joe." I smiled at him and didn't miss the worried look on his face. Are my thoughts so obvious? From the day I have came back Joe have been asking about the ceremony and as soon as he mentions the ceremony instead of the celebration her face flashed up in front of my eyes.

Ya Allah mudud! (Ya Allah help!)

Rubbing my eyes I got up from the couch and turning off the TV I picked up my phone which was flashing its LED light showing the notification alert so unlocking it I was greeted up by the message from Megan and Matt respectively reminding me about the candidates who will be coming for their job interviews on Monday. I still have to go through the files which Matt handed over me earlier today. Groaning I kept my phone aside and sat for the dinner but got Joe's attention by his awkward cough and raised at my eyebrows at him to find out he was already looking at me with a weird expression.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" He asked.

"What?" I said looking around me.

"May I know what has clouded most of your mind that you aren't present mentally rather we have some clone of yours walking around?" Not again! I groaned inside, that's the same thing Matt said me or more like accused me when we were having lunch today. Here I am trying to busy myself and be as attentive as I can be, before getting drifted back by one same thought and these people are not helping a bit.

"Wali! You zoned out again!" Joe called me. "Where are you lost? The day you have came back from home you are like this! Did something happen? Wali you know I would listen to you no matter what! Or talk to someone else about it and don't you bother to deny, because it's crystal clear that something is going on with you." He said in a go without giving me a chance to say anything and the look in his eyes was so genuine that I found myself getting near to speaking it all out... but I can't.

"It's nothing just work load." I gave him a weak smile and he knows better not to force me.

"Yeah so much load that your never changing habit of washing your hands before eating is gone and you already have filled your plate before reciting your duas or Bismillah." He said with a sad smile and the spoon from my hand dropped. Oh Allah! How could I? With a mumble of sorry I rushed to the sink and washed my hands and then face and a realization hit me that though I have been praying the five time farz namaz because I have alarm set in my phone for that but I haven't been reading Quran on daily basis. Dinner could wait!

"Joe you are right! You know what, you can go and rest now I have to read Quran and I will eat after that. And Joe thank you for everything" With that I rushed up to my room continuously reciting Astaghfar. "Astaghfirullahu Rabbi Min Kulli Zanbbiuw Watoobu Ilaih".

After refreshing my wuzu (ablution) I sat on my arm chair and opened from where I left, and the peace which was missing inside me, I started regaining it. At some point I ended my daily reading and found myself continuously reciting Surah Muzammil. One of the two surah I read when I am sleepless or more like helpless.

"O you who wraps himself [in clothing],

Arise [to pray] the night, except for a little -

Half of it - or subtract from it a little

Or add to it, and recite the Qur'an with measured recitation.

Indeed, We will cast upon you a heavy word.

Indeed, the hours of the night are more effective for concurrence [of heart and tongue] and more suitable for words.

Indeed, for you by day is prolonged occupation.

And remember the name of your Lord and devote yourself to Him with [complete] devotion.

[He is] the Lord of the East and the West; there is no deity except Him, so take Him as Disposer of [your] affairs.

And be patient over what they say and avoid them with gracious avoidance.

And leave Me with [the matter of] the deniers, those of ease [in life], and allow them respite a little.

Indeed, with Us [for them] are shackles and burning fire

And food that chokes and a painful punishment -

On the Day the earth and the mountains will convulse and the mountains will become a heap of sand pouring down.

Indeed, We have sent to you a Messenger as a witness upon you just as We sent to Pharaoh a messenger.

But Pharaoh disobeyed the messenger, so We seized him with a ruinous seizure.

Then how can you fear, if you disbelieve, a Day that will make the children white- haired?

The heaven will break apart therefrom; ever is His promise fulfilled.

Indeed, this is a reminder, so whoever wills may take to his Lord a way.

Indeed, your Lord knows, [O Muhammad], that you stand [in prayer] almost two thirds of the night or half of it or a third of it, and [so do] a group of those with you. And Allah determines [the extent of] the night and the day. He has known that you [Muslims] will not be able to do it and has turned to you in forgiveness, so recite what is easy [for you] of the Qur'an. He has known that there will be among you those who are ill and others traveling throughout the land seeking [something] of the bounty of Allah and others fighting for the cause of Allah . So recite what is easy from it and establish prayer and give zakah and loan Allah a goodly loan. And whatever good you put forward for yourselves - you will find it with Allah . It is better and greater in reward. And seek forgiveness of Allah . Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful." (SURAH MUZZAMIL)

OH ALLAH! YA RABBI! YA MALIK! How, how could I forget you? How could I forget that it's you who had always given me what I need, in the darkest time, it's you Allah who had shown me the light. How could I be so ignorant? Twenty verses, these verses were surely for me. The feeling I got after reciting the message which feels like was just for me and indeed it was, fourteen hundred years ago my creator sent a guide just for me. I was looking for someone else's forgiveness, which is no doubt important in itself because Allah had said that, we won't be forgiven if the person themselves haven't forgiven us, and I would ask for their forgiveness, but in this struggle I forgot to turn to my creator, I forgot that without his help I would get nothing. YA ALLAH I MAKE YOU THE ATTORNEY OF MY CONDITION. YA ALLAH I ASK YOU TO GUIDE ME IN THE BEST WAY. YA ALLAH HELP ME EARN THIS FORGIVENESS.

The next morning after fajar I didn't sleep despite of Sunday and went to the place I can gather my thoughts, parking my car I went inside, where the refreshing greenery and morning breeze welcomed me wholeheartedly, I started my usual morning jog plugging in my ear phones, after an hour I sat on the nearby bench and looked around, the sun was completely out and the place was already filled with the morning people of every age jogging and laughing.

"May I sit here?" I looked up to a girl or a woman not much younger than me smiling and pointing the seat beside mine.

"Sure." I said moving in the corner giving her the place and plugged in my ear phone again playing the audio of Ustad Nauman Ali Khan but it was after few minutes I start noticing the hand movement of the person sitting beside me and that turned out my cue to leave.

Standing up I took out my head phones and turned towards the gate when what I was expecting to happen, happened.

"It's very rude for a man like you to ignore girls." She said, standing up and facing my back and instead of frowning I smirked on my prediction.

"It would have been ruder if I would have told you to sit somewhere else." I said without looking at her in the most polite voice I could and started walking forward.

"Well you didn't at least you should look at a girl while talking."

"I am sorry but I am not one of those men who are interested in girls following guys because of their friends, first you need practice for that matter, sister. Second I am here for my running not talking." I said while looking ahead.

"So would you teach me how to make myself better?" She smirked.

"If even I could I wouldn't that's not what decent woman do."

"As if you male like decent ones!" she scoffed.

"That's the problem right there, ma'am, you are judging. Let me tell you, that's not what a good man would demand from you." I said avoiding her gaze without sounding rude.

"Are you saying you are good?" she gave out a humorless laugh.

"No," I smiled still looking away "I am nowhere being good, I am just following what my religion ask me too, I was not being rude I am not allowed by my religion to look at opposite gender if they are not from my family," I replied "That might seem rude to you but it's a sign of respect of instead looking at someone's face I would rather guard my gaze."

"Oh you are a Muslim aren't you?" she scoffed and that's when I started losing my temper but being calm was my only option.

"Yes, Allhamdullilah I guess you should continue your jog." With that I moved forward.

"Listen I didn't mean to-"

"Sometimes all what you listen and see on TV screens are not true, they are paid to show it."

"What if I say I have been with a muslim who was one of the worst man I have seen." She said in a weaker voice than before, forcing me to stop on my track. Another man being the reason of a negative picture like I was.

"Then I apologize on his behalf that he showed you a very wrong picture of Islam, he was the follower not the religion itself." I whispered more to myself.

"He was all respectable like you at the starting!" she came in front of me again and now her voice was full of rage "All very modest but that bastard ruin me, at first I was close of choosing Islam but after him I am sorry I would rather be myself!" she spitted her words at me and I don't know whether I was feeling ashamed or her words were a cruel reminder of my own past.

And then an idea came into my mind why not invite her on a Islamic gathering and help her out,

"Did you yourself ever look for Islam?" Silence, "That's the issue he was just a follower and you thought he was the right picture of Islam, can you say same about anyone present here? Are they all representing right picture of Christianity? I don't think so and neither can I judge. Why don't you found out yourself what Islam is? Let's give it a strike. There is a kind of event next Sunday for Muslim youth and all those who are interested in Isalm would be there an Islamic Foundation in Edison, New Jersey. It's far away but if you are interested you can go there." I replied with a hope of her and a lot like her to look at Islam in its real image. "And again I am sorry that a man from my religion is the reason behind your pain." I replied and she merely nodded, I walked away to my car.

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A.O.A

So I hope you guys like this chapter. I chose to share the translation of a whole Surah instead of a verse because of how beautifully Allah has reminded us of his presence around us.

Hope you guys like this chapter :)

Till the next one...

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