Wali

I opened the door to the apartment where the darkness welcomed me, Shayan left earlier to spend the weekend at the frat house. I smirked as I turned on the light.

"You really have a nice place," I forced a smile as I turned to the red hair, I was almost pitying her but she also led herself into this, red fiery hair, grey curious eyes and freckled nose, her vulnerability was on her lips and the way she were biting them. "So do you live alone?"

"No I do have a room mate, he is out for weekend." I explained as I took her jacket and then blazer, leaving her in short sleeve blouse, her bare milky arms were on show now.

"He won't return?" she asked as her eyes danced with curiosity.

"No," I moved towards the small lounge patiently answering all her questions. I met Alicia couple of months ago at a frat party , obviously, she was one of those freshers who are brought by one of their friends to a party for the first time, they are naive and their vulnerability is apparent through the way they are walking and looking at everyone, I was in the far corner with the guys when Mike noticed her, and then she became a quest. And tonight I was winning it.

The two of us made ourselves comfortable on the couch, her right leg was curled up while she was facing me. We talked for couple of few minutes, she asked the questions and I answered them truthfully, this was the last time I would be with her because as soon as I win my five hundred bucks she is seeing her way out.

My phone beeped with a message and seeing the sender's name I got up with excuse of having something for us to eat, I went to the kitchen to read the message.

Camera is set on your study and top of the cupboard. You owe me hundred buck for this.

I smirked as I replied back to Shayan and took the left over pizza back to the lounge.

The work I was left with was to charm her enough and lead her to the bedroom, and it wasn't very hard, talking, charming her through her favorite book and casually stating classics along with some actually good senior advice I had her right beside me with my arms wrapped around her, her eyes were now glued to the TV where some rom-com was being played. It was already eleven and I had to do something fast because those five hundred dollars were badly needed.

I started tracing her bare arms with my finger while keeping my eyes on TV, I felt her move a bit but I ignored it, few minutes later I laid back a bit and pulled her back, I was perfectly pretending that I was involved in the movie and whatever I was doing was to make us comfortable, as she rested her back on my chest I felt a knot in my stomach.

This was wrong, I ignored it.

It was a few minutes later that she looked at me, and my eyes fell on her plum lips, those pink full shaped lips which were slightly apart and dangerously welcoming, I felt her pulling herself up and then our lips met, it was slow yet agonizing for me, I wanted to pull away and send her away but the way boys dared me kept me going, she was clearly not well experienced. It was after seconds or minutes that we pulled away, we both were panting, her milky cheeks were blood red now and all of a sudden I needed her.

Picking her small frame in my arms I led her to the bedroom, placing ourselves on our bed I made sure I was in a position that her face would not be clear in the video which was being made unlike the way guys and I planned, I was playing dirty but I wasn't courageous enough to showcase her face, not now.

I hovered over her again capturing her lips, her arms were around my neck her fingers tucked in my hair, I took her arms in my hand and pinned both of them above her head and continued the kisses from her jaw and then I finally reached her neck, finding her weak spot, nibbling and sucking on her skin I heard her moan, smirking I raised my head to see her face.

My heart stopped.

My eyes went wide.

My breath hitched

"Wali," in front of my eyes there wasn't the pair of the curious grey eyes I led in this hell instead they were the scared yet accusing brown ones, there was no Alicia, the women under my vicious hold was Khadija.

Panting my eyes jolted open, in the room completely chilled by an AC I was profusely sweating, my white T-shirt was stick to my body like my own skin, I rubbed my eyes while my heart was drumming inside my rib cage, running my hand through my hair I looked around to check the time, it was 3:30 in the morning, the night was in its most darkest yet peaceful hour, Khadija was calmly sleeping right beside me, her one hand under her cheek while the other resting beside her face on the pillow, she had her back on me while her body was covered with the duvet. Looking at her all of a sudden I was feeling disgusted.

The vivid images from my nightmare or more like my past were still running in front of my eyes, I still remember the day I did that sin like it was yesterday, I was in second year of my university and how wickedly I robbed her of her innocence. How wickedly I tricked her and how wickedly I killed her soul.

I killed her.

The videos which were made got the hype, they were spread, I won that night but I lost my integrity. I killed her, it maybe 'suicide' for the world but they found her dead in the hostes bathroom, she was found in the pool of her own blood.

"Ya Allah!" I choked as I got up from bed, the room felt like spinning around me, stumbling on nothing I finally reached the en suite bathroom.

Peeling of my clothes I stood under the shower as the cold water ran down my body, I was crazily rubbing the soap on my arms, my chest, my face. I didn't know how much longer I stayed there but when I felt my knees getting weak while my eyes were continuously burning from tears I stepped out, changing into a long sleeve shirt which I found after a lot of struggle and a pair of sweatpants I decided to leave the room, staying inside and looking at Khadija was making it hard for me to breathe.

Tears were again soaking my face while I unconsciously got to the living room with the prayer mat in my hands, I spread it and stood facing the qibla, I was shaking. After such a long time I was scared, I just wanted to hide somewhere, all of the haunting memories from my past were crashing back to me and the I raised my hands.

Allahu Akbar

Minutes turned into hours and I kept focusing on his message, with my head bowed down in prostration I was asking for his mercy and then I sat again. Raising my hands I closed my eyes and asked for forgiveness, today my heart was caught in a storm again, I was not able to understand that why after days of peaceful nights, why my demons had found me again.

I quickly turned back as I felt a hand on my shoulder but sighed with a weak smile when I saw her face, same eyes but different message, she had a small smile on her face too and right now I wanted nothing more but to confess her about everything but I didn't, I was ashamed.

"You are up early," Khadija said as sat beside me with her head on my shoulder, tilting mine I kissed the top of her head as I hmmed in reply. "Are you done with fajar?"

"It's time for fajar already?" I was surprised at her question while she looked at me with amusement.

"Wali it had been twenty minutes since azan." she replied with an amazed tone and I looked at the wall clock, she was right, how could I haven't noticed? "Are you okay?" I felt her hands on my arm while her voice was laced with concern.

"Hmm...yeah," I forced a smile, "Yeah I am fine."

"Okay," she forced a smile too, "I am waiting for your recitation then," she said as she stood up and went towards our bedroom.

Running my hand through my face, rubbing my eyes and the running my hand through my hair I stood up to offer fajar prayers, after I was done with my tasbeeh Khadija was in the lounge again and was seated on the couch with her feet curled up so placing the prayer mat on the table I picked up Quran and went to sit beside her, I found myself sitting with an uncomfortable distance between us but I couldn't bring myself to sit right beside her.

With shaky hands I opened the book filled with His messages, opening the surah which we both recite usually I started reading them, my voice was coming out hoarser but I couldn't contain it, I could feel Khadija's gaze on me but my eyes were glued on the page of the holy book, I couldn't look her in the eyes and pretend today that I was fine, that I was unaffected, that I was right. I was the wrongdoer, I was guilty and ashamed. I didn't even deserve her.

***

Hours have went by and I am still thinking about the way I have woke up, the way my body was hovering over Alicia or Khadija, I don't even know what to say, the fear in her eyes and the resentment. With my head in between my hands which were supported through my knees I was sitting on the flour of the local mosque, my eyes were tightly shut. I left the apartment an hour or couple of hours ago, I don't even remember, I just remember that I left for zuhr, I have to get back home too, we have to catch a flight in few hours, I know Khadija would be worried sick but being around her is hurting me in ways I never knew were possible, the time she talks a wave of paranoia runs through me and I feel like she is accusing me of my every sin commited all over again.

"Beta, I am seeing you from last few hours sitting here, are you okay?" I jumped on an unfamiliar voice and looked up to see a middle age man, not more than fifty-five, looking at me with worry lurking in his eyes. "Should I call--"

"Nahi sir, I am... I am fine," I forcefully smiled but I was gasping as if I have run miles, he pushed his hand forward in front of me, looking at him and then his extended hand I took it and he helped me stand up, getting on my feet I wiped the sweat off my face which had accumulated because of my anxiety attack. "it's nice to see that a young man like you is finding his solace in a place like this but I got worried when I saw you sitting there for a much longer period. If you don't mind me asking--"

"Can you be sure that a man who has commit heinous sins known to mankind could be forgiven?" I found myself saying as I was looking ahead, we both were at the gates of the mosque now.

"If he has pure regret in his heart, if he revolves his heart with a promise to never do it again and he stay firm on that promise then why not," he then looked up at the sky with a faint smile, "He is Raheem, He is Al-Ghaffar and Al-Ghafoor, the most forgiving, He knows what is in our heart when we are denying it, so why do you think He won't forgive you?" He looked at me with such an intense gaze that I had to look away. "Don't worry son, he knows everything. May Allah ease your pain, Ameen." He patted my arms and then walked outside leaving me there pondering, that yes, indeed He is Al-Ghafoor.

Have mercy on me, Ya Rabb.

Walking on the footpath with my hands tucked inside my jeans pocket I finally reached the apartment, turning the key into the key hole I unlocked the doors and stepped inside our home, the whole place was brighten up by the sunlight coming through the opened balcony sliding doors, filling up the place with fresh salty air as well, there was faint smell of lasagna coming through the kitchen as I stepped further inside but the person I was looking for was nowhere in sight.

"Wali!" I looked towards our bedroom door and there she was looking at me with her anxious wide eyes, her hair up in a bun while she was in one of my t-shirts and her trousers, "Where were you? I have been calling you for hours! Your phone was unreachable! You said you will be back after namaz and it had been hours. I called every single person, do you have any idea how worried I was?" she stopped when she was mere inches away from me, searching my face for an answer but how can I when I am asking the same question to myself.

"I got stuck. It's nothing," I replied in a slow voice looking at her beautiful face, "I am sorry. Let's get ready we don't have much time left." I replied obliviously and took a step forward but she again stopped me by my wrist and came right in front of me.

"What is wrong, Wali?"

"No--"

"Don't say nothing, what is wrong?" she said more sternly this time, both her hands were covering my cheeks while her thumbs were caressing them. I looked in those eyes a little longer, my peace was hidden in them, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath forcing a convincing smile on my face, "It's nothing Dija, just a slight headache, nothing big." with that I dropped a longing kiss on her forehead.

"Okay," I heard her whisper and hold her in my arms.

***

Currently Khadija and I were waiting in the lounge of Jinnah airport, Murtaza and Rumaisa left earlier today, Yahya and Rafia would come with the rest of the family two days later while Abdullah bhai left yesterday, we both were sitting in a peaceful silence waiting for our boarding to start when we notice two people or more like a couple walked into the lounge and crossed pass us, but what made us notice was the noticeable silence they brought with them, almost everyone was looking at them till they settled, the man was dressed in a dress shirt and pants while the girl who was few years younger than him and was meekly following him while limping on her leg was dressed in kameez shalwar while a long shawl was clad around her body. Normally I wouldn't have judged but the way the man was walking ahead of her and the way almost everyone noticed her wince when the man turned to her and gripped her arm while making her sit was inhumane.

Shaking my head I quickly looked away while Khadija shifted uncomfortably beside me, I looked at my feet suddenly remembering all those time my mother have gone through all the barbaric moments in her life and when I was nothing better than that, the place was becoming impossibly claustrophobic for me, just when I was about to excuse myself Khadija held on my hand interlacing our finger.

"The time I spent with Adnan I felt like I was the most damned woman there could be," I turned towards her with wide eyes but she was far gone and I let her speak, Khadija barely talks about her past and when she does it's an agonizing moment for both of us. "In starting I craved for his attention," she looked at our linked hands with her voice barely in a whisper, "I craved to get noticed, I craved for him to be close to me but it felt like I was just a decoration in his well decorated life, just an accessory which could be used once and if get broken can be thrown away without any regrets but being a stubborn I was, I refused to accept that. It was after three months of our marriage when I argued about our life with him,the first time he raised his voice at me and showed me my place, I was a burden on him, I was thrust on him by his parents, I never felt so disgusted in my life," she humorlessly laughed but that just shook my core, "And guess what I did I started being stubborn, I joined my office again and I exceed, that gained his attention, on the fifth month of our marriage he became the most nicest guy there could be and on one unfortunate night after he was sure I could be of no more use because by that time I had foolishly given him everything he could have from me, he got his way with me, I still remember how viciously he undressed me," I was shaking with anger now but I couldn't stop her.

You were no better!

You would get to know when someone you love would be used like this!

I closed my eyes as Alicia's voice rang in my ear.

"He was hurting me, but I thought it must be normal, you know, I was so stupid, he robbed me from my sanity that night and left me alone the next morning, this wasn't even worse you know," I looked at her, there were no tear in her eyes, they were deprived of any emotion as if she was reading a script, "the worst was when nearly a month later when I was about to tell him that I am three weeks pregnant, he laughed and shoved divorce paper on my face. He planned every part of our six month marriage. I was just a puppet. I still remember when I reached chahcu's house in the mid of the night with my bag, my eyes were aching from all the tears they had shed, I was tired and just one look on me told him that my soul was ripped apart.

"I could have handled myself but that split brought only heartbreaks for me, mama got her first heart attack just after a month, almost losing her and losing him after all the struggle I forgot that I had to be there for my child, a child I could have right now, my grief killed my baby too, there was so much blood and it was so painful that I didn't even cried, I was numb, I knew I was losing the last chance of being happy. They found me unconscious in my bathroom. I wish I could have died." She sighed as she looked at my face and weakly smiled.

"But you know Allah saves the best for the last moment, I didn't have faith, I was losing my faith in all that because I didn't know he had you stored just for me, losing mama and baba after everything was the last blow of my chance of being normal, but like they say everyone have their happy ending I guess mine is with you. Now I feel like Allah Talla was making me realize how blessed we could be and how bless I am, because though I thought I was close to Allah before, you have just strengthen my belief even more. I put up a fight when I heard your name for the first time in seven years, oh my Allah, I remember the night I was told, I went cold and passed out in my bedroom because I thought after all I had gone through How could marrying you be fair to me? But I forgot, it is He Who accepts repentance from His servants and pardons evil acts and knows what they do, He knew what was in your heart, He guided you and saved you just for me, and to make me believe in everything without you knowing He led both of us in that conference and had me heard you, and to clear all the remaining doubts I did the istikhara, I was blessed--"

"Khadija I had a nightmare last night," and then I told her everything about my guilt, my fears, all my hidden sins.

I let it all out in a crowded place through hushed whispers, I confessed about my darkness.

"Wali just remember, Allah says: "Say: O my servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not the mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: For He is oft-forgiving, Most Merciful," she smiled as she recited the meaning of the verse Abdullah bhai had recited quite a lot of time in front of me but listening it from her with her assuring smile, I smiled back, I had hope and I would never stop asking from my Rabb . He was indeed the most Merciful.

------

A.O.A 

How are you all? 

Okay so this chapter is dedicated to hayazs for the beautiful cover! That's her doing and I LOVE IT! Check out her book, Land of Graphic Arts, she is a pro, Masha Allah <3

Now let me know what do you think of this chapter? COMMENT AND VOTE! 

Till the next time,

TC,

Zehra :)