Wali.

Punching the button of the lift I turned again to stare at the wooden door I just came out from, anger, hurt, betrayal and all kind of emotions were hitting me like waves. I got back from work thinking of getting a rest behind the woman I love but how can I? when she had been stuck with the essence of another man still in her life. I am tired of giving her chances, of thinking that maybe there would be a day when it would be purely us but today she just crashed it all down. The opening of the lift made me took a step back, I needed to be out of here, pushing the button for the basement I rested my back and closed my eyes. My head has started throbbing again but right now I just need sometime to think alone.

As I stepped out of the lift I quickly made my way towards the car, after unlocking it and getting inside I drove out, I didn't know where I was heading to but just driving around might help me out, my mind was busy thinking about everything and anything, from all the hard work all of us have been doing from months and how it could have been come crashing down because of one stupid mistake I made, from the tense atmosphere in the office today and how everyone was running around, from how dad and chachu were gulping their medicines just to keep themselves normal and stayed with us till the late hours of night, I was sorry for bailing out on Khadija, I was sorry for messing it all up, but now how she has accused me with the same disgusted tone she used on me eight years ago and it had felt like a slap right across my face.

Years, years I tried to forget it and just because I failed to be there she brought it up and threw it right on me, I knew anyone would have been mad if they would be in her place, I respected it and I was trying to make it up to her but what frustrated me that instead of understanding and thinking about how nerve wrecking the entire day was for me she accused me with a disgusting accusation. For the first time in eight months I was again doubting our relationship and all what I have offered in it. My hold on steering wheel tightened as the thought of another man in her life also crossed my mind, how can it be possible to hate someone with such an extent and on top of it without even knowing them.

So this what it feels like to be compared, to compete for someone's heart.

The roads were completely deserted at this hour of the early morning, it was sometime after three and I had just been aimlessly driving from last one hour, my mind was still not at ease and I found myself opening the glove compartment as I parked the car in front of a park, taking out the cigarette box which Sabih hid in my car because of dad and everyone else I took one of it out and searched around for a lighter which I was sure he had kept there, it had been ages since I had one of these in my hands. I quit long time ago when my medical condition started getting severe but after years of avoiding it I again found myself lighting the cigarette, with one hand I worked on the lighter as the other was covering the flame while the little stick of temporary relief or -more like something other than Khadija to think about- was between my lips, I scoffed as I blew the puff of smoke.

Stick by stick I smoked around six of those death wishers when I felt my phone vibrating in my pants, groaning I took the device out, my eyes went wide as I saw the alarm notification on my phone, I cursed under my breath as I realized I have been blowing out smokes when it's time for fajar, a huge part of me was now crashed by wave of guilt of not turning to Allah when I could have just prayed and asked for relief instead I decided on these worldly and most importantly deadly comfort. Throwing out a half lit cigarette I ignited the car engine again and drove back to the place I ran from.

Entering the same deadly calm apartment I was again at stress, but this time instead of making my way towards our bedroom, I chose one of the guest room but not before giving a glance to the door behind which she was.

I wonder what she would be up to?

Is she as stressed and hurt as I am or is her heart at relief?

Does she meant all what she said or was it just to get a reaction out of me?

But more importantly will I ever be able to cross the bridge between us?

I shook my head and with a sardonic smile at my fretful position I went inside one of the room which were drowned in darkness and were missing a certain warmth. I found myself clenching my fist and with my clenched jaws I made my way towards the ensuite bathroom. Getting inside I took off my shirt and trousers and went for shower to clean myself and get rid of the smoke stink which was now making me cringe of my own self, letting the water run and ease my tense nerve I took the time to think, after I was satisfied with the shower I started wuzu (ablution), Washing my hands and letting the water run across my finger, I took a deep breathe and let myself think that I am cleaning them from every sin they have caused, from every hurtful act they have done.

From how painfully they gripped her arms.

Taking a gulp in the mouth, I rinsed my tongue for every hurtful comment they made, and like that I tried to wash away all the sins I have did.

"Khadija kapray!" I bit my tongue as I realized what I did, cursing myself I wrapped the towel which was already hanging on the towel hanger. Getting out of the room I was about to get in the room when the door flew open and there she was standing right in front of me with my clothes in her hand, I could felt my self smiling but then my eyes fell on her extremely red nose and bloody red eyes, her messed up hair and tear stained face, a major part of me crushed inside but another part which had always been recklessly stubborn reminded me of all the things which led to our current situation.

"I heard you--" her voice was rough making me cringe that I am the reason behind this devastation.

"Thanks." one word, a deadly cold tone and her welled up eyes.

***

Khadija.

Thanks.

Leaving me rooted to my place he grabbed his things and walked away and I just saw him going to the opposite part of apartment with a tensed back. Shutting the door I sighed and rested myself against it as I wiped away the stubborn tears pooled up in my eyes.

It was our third day in the apartment, from last two day either we were going over for dinners or lunches so today I decided to make Wali's favorite Tandoori chicken and rice. While I was busy marinating all the spices in the chicken along with yogurt Wali was in the lounge watching TV and checking his emails reviewing the work he has missed.

"Sheer khurma or rasmalai?" I asked him as I wiped my hands on the apron and reached him, I had good few hours in my hand to get done with everything. It was still four in the afternoon.

After thinking a lot he grinned as he replied "Rasmalai." Nodding with a smile I again made my way to the kitchen to start with the desert then.

"Khadija we can always order something." I turned to him as he again entered the kitchen for the fiftieth time in last couple of hours with one or another excuse to get me agree on takeaway food.

"And I said I want to cook us a proper dinner in this house." He shook his head and then dragging one of the dining chair he sat facing me.

"Need any help?"

"Nope. I enjoying cooking alone,"

"Only one of the things I'll let you do alone," he smirked and I shot him a glare and he chuckled.

"Acha I do know that you got this apartment just after we got married. But why this and not any other?" I casually asked him as I start kneading the dough for the dessert.

"I just liked how it was constructed, I guess. You know the master bedroom separated from the rest, it's own privacy," he said with a wink and I shook my head.

"Why does men keep thinking about one thing?" I raised my eyebrow.

"I don't know about others but I am a man with need--"

"Astaghfirullah--"

"What? and secondly I would never want, if any guest we our hosting become audience of what we do behind the doors, you and I all the way at the other end." he winked and I felt the temperature of the house changing as I keep focusing on the work at hand and ignored his comment.

How just one clash was enough to make us stay at two ends of the same apartment.

It was hours later or maybe it was couple of hours when I finally decided to leave the room and finally face him and make him understand why I was upset, it had been hours of being away from each other, I am tired of this silence, I am tired of not listening to him complain about the economy or not mentioning one of our professors, or just asking for water or his shirt or complaining about his phone or just being there.

Cleaning myself up and changing into fresh piece of clothing, I tied my hair up and applying a light shade of lipstick I made myself a bit of presentable. I stepped out of the bedroom, the apartment was drowned in eerie silence but following it as I reached the kitchen, there he was still in his t-shirt and trousers his back facing me while he was frying something with his coffee cup placed on the slab on his right. I looked at the wall clock in the lounge which was showing it was eight thirty in the morning, looking at him I sensed his back tensing as he must have noticed my presence, seconds later he turned with a plate in his hand as he picked his cup, he looked at me for few seconds, his eyes reading my features and they were the most painful few seconds where neither one of us spoke anything and then he walked towards me, as he was about to move pass me I placed my hand on his forearm, trying to stop him, his muscles tensed under my touch.

"Wali I am sorry." I said pleading with my tone but he just nodded and took a step away, but I wasn't done yet taking a step right in front of him, "Wali I was completely irrational last night, I am so sorry. I was upset and lost it. I am sorry." I said fidgeting from one foot to another. "Please," I took a step forward again and wrapped my arms around his waist placing my head on his chest listening to his heart beat which I immensely missed last night. His body tensed under my touch but I didn't moved away, I won't. We stayed there for seconds which felt like hours and I just kept muttering my apology, my deceiving tears soaking his shirt until I felt him keeping his plate and cups and wrapping his arms around me too, he placed a soft kiss on the crown of my head and then placing his chin on my head.

"Don't apologize I was equally mistaken."

"I love you," I blurted out and heard him softly chuckling.

"I love you too, love, I love you too."

------

A.O.A Y'all!

How are you guys???

Well first of all we reached #28 you guys! EEP <3 I don't if you guys know this or not but anyways...

They made up... phew!

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Till the next time

TC,

Zehra :)