Khadija's POV

Have you ever just sit in silence and questioned whatever is happening in your life? Just being there in silence and doubting everything and every event? Trapping yourself in a room brightened with sunlight but still you feel darkness engulfing you? Or though you yourself have seen the reality you have witnessed everything but you are still not sure about it. Or simply it feels like you are living an illusion? You are just scared!

But then some words which your mother said to soothe you when you were an aggressive eighteen year old teenager rather than a grown up woman, a woman who still grief the loss of her parents after five years of them leaving her alone in this brutal world, a woman who had seen this evil and cruel world from up-close.

"Khadija beta! Remember one thing, that Allah (S.W.T) has seen your struggle, He knows about your effort and He is always just to us humans, if someone is struggling with something they will be paid for that struggle similarly Allah never let anyone's hard work go to waste." She politely said, "and let me tell you the meaning of an ayah (verse), its ayah 59 of Surah Al-Anam; 'And with Him are the keys of the unseen; none knows them except Him. And He knows what is on the land and in the sea. Not a leaf falls but that He knows it. And no grain is there within the darknesses of the earth and no moist or dry [thing] but that it is [written] in a clear record.' When he knows everything do you think he won't be aware of your hard work? He is! So now relax and remember when you are in doubt about anything or any decision or you have tried your hardest about it then just leave it to Allah because he does what is better for us."

I was brought out of my trance by a soft knock on my door and getting up from the comfortable and cozy seat of bay window I walked to open up the door and found Asifa standing outside clutching on one of her favorite stuffed toys and her green emerald eyes were pooling up with tears.

"Asi what happened, baby?" I quickly wrapped my arms around her and picked her up.

"Aapi, Jasir bhaiya... is saying you... you are going away!" She was sobbing hysterically, "Aapi are you leaving me? I promise I will not eat chocolate." She hiccuped and my heart clenched.

"Oh my baby! Aapi isn't going anywhere. Aapi is right here with you." I rubbed her back while kissing her forehead, "And you know Jasir bhaiya is just teasing you." I said while sitting with her on my bed and hugging her tightly.

"But why mama and baba had gone to your new house?" she asked after couple of seconds.

"My new house? Did Jasir told you that?"

"Hmm."

He is so gone!

"JASIR!"

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It was bit after Asr (afternoon prayer) when Jasir who was threatened, Asifa and I were watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. No matter how much someone denies the idea of watching these magical series once they are forced into it there is no returning back. I was almost thirteen years old when this magical creation came into the world and after one year of the first book getting published and four month of the second book coming in front of the world on my fourteenth birthday Abdullah Chachu gifted me these books. I was the first one in my friends' circle who got the first two books of Harry Potter series, I can never ever forget the hype this book created and still creates, I cried when I opened the wrapping and found the books and on the fifth day I was done with both of the books and almost fifteen people borrowed the books from me and once I lend it to my best friend the next I saw those two were after three months and in those months I threatened every single person who got the book, to take care of it more than their own life.

Our eyes were glued to the screen because finally Harry met Sirius and Sirius and Remus had their wands pointed at that traitor, Peter;

"Enough talk, Remus! C'mon, let's kill him!" Asifa and I turned to Jasir who was oblivious that he was repeating Sirius' words.

"Wait!" Remus, Asifa and Jasir said together.

"I did my waiting! Twelve years of it! In Azkaban!" The four of us growled together.

Poor Siruis!

Then there was cheering and clapping from behind us and we three turned to find everyone standing there with amused smiles and I returned an embarrass one.

"Aik to tum logo ka Harry Potter ka dewana pun kubhi khatam nahi hoga!" (This Harry Potter craze of you all would never end!) Sumera Mami (Aunt Sumera) shook her head and followed chachi (aunt) in the kitchen.

But now looking at my uncles who were whispering something to one another and a smirk Bilal was giving me the earlier anxiety I was feeling was back again.

"Baba, where did you go?" We all turned to Asifa who was again nervously tapping her feet.

"Told you, Aapi's new home!" Jasir smirked looking at me and I send him a death glare but quickly wrapped an arm around the little girl's shoulder who is more like a daughter to me.

"Would you stop teasing her?" Bilal snapped at his younger brother while chachu came and made her sit on his lap and started explaining something to her but as it was just too much for me, I excused myself and went to the kitchen.

"Why would he want to meet Khadija?" I heard Sumera mami and a lump started forming in my throat.

"Allah knows well but the way Abdullah had agreed I am sure the boy must have some good reason." It was chachi. I know it's against my religion's teaching to eavesdrop like this but I couldn't help it.

Turning away I rushed upstairs to my bedroom and locking the door I went to the washroom attached to my room and start splashing cold water on my wet and heated face, my head was pounding with headache, it feels like my darkest days are back again, the break down I face after my parents' death. Those twelve months were the hardest twelve months of my life, they were supposed to return back to me but they never did and now after five years suddenly I was having that feeling again.

He just wants to meet you. I tried to soothe my mind which was getting flushed by all the bizarre thoughts.

What if he betrays the way Adnan did?

Ya Allah I don't have a power to face another misery.

I am tired of people giving me sympathies and looking at me with pity.

"Khadija Beta!" I heard panicked voice of chachu.

"C...coming!" I replied but my voice was hoarser, quickly closing the tap and drying my face I went into my room to open the door, chachu was standing there with quite a worried expression.

"Are you okay?" his voice was laced with concern.

"No!" I said my voice breaking down while he protectively wrapped his arms around me and kissing top of my head. We stayed there in complete silence not a word was exchange between us, he just let me sob on his chest and I cried till I get tired, all the emotions took over me, and clutching on chachu's kurta I poured my heart out.

By the time my tears dried and I couldn't sob anymore we both were seated on the couch of my room, my head was leaned on his shoulder while his arm was wrapped around my shoulders.

"Chachu why he wants to meet me?" I hoarsely whispered.

He didn't asked how I get to know it but he gave a light squeeze to my hands and replied; "I don't know what exactly is the matter but he said he wants to discuss something important but if that is what upsetting you don't worry beta I'll just say him that it is not possible. Khadjia beta, if this is what worrying you, don't worry you are not pressured into anything. I would never do that." He politely said kissing my forehead and the way he treats me, his every move reminds me of baba.

"Chachu I am scared, what if—"

"I am sure on one thing Khadija if he says it's important I am dead sure it is! But beta, don't worry! I'll tell him that it's not possible! Now smile, okay?" He patted my hands and I gave him a weak smile.

After few minutes chachu stood up to leave when I called him; "Chachu you shouldn't deny I guess I should meet him." I whispered.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes chachu, when I have given others this chance why not him?" I said with a reassuring smile and with a nod he left the room

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(Next Day)

Wali's POV

I guess never in my life I have waited for Asr prayer like I am waiting today, with every passing minute I am getting restless and I even prepared a whole speech which I am sure I don't even remember, as much as now I want to see her, as much as my heart aches, this is my very last chance to apologize and end this for once and for all. If I let this happen she'll go through the pain she doesn't deserve and knowing that there are maximum chances of that happening I can't just ignore it.

'Would you do it if it wouldn't be her?' Irtiza's word rang in my ears and the answer I gave to him send chills to my spine.

'No!' was my reply.

'You really do love her, man!' Was what Matt said to me last night.

Last night I asked the two of them to meet me, they are the people I haven't hidden anything, I am used of discussing a lot of problems with them and I am sure their opinion would be the most legible one. We three discuss any and every matter with each other, so telling them about clots seemed right though I faced the wrath, a lot of cursing but then they cooled down and I told them about everything between Khadija and I, from which Irtiza happily connected my speech and dramatically explained it to Matt and I swear at that moment they both looked like two teenage high school girls who love to gossip.

The cell phone which I was tightly grasping in my hand buzzed when I was busy thinking and unlocking it I found Irtiza's text.

*Did you leave office?*

*Walikum As Salam, No, it's still fifteen minutes for Asr.* I send my reply and continue the jogging I was doing in my cabin.

And next his name was illuminating on screen, sighing I picked up his call.

"Asalam O Alikum, look the drive to the masjid near organization is time taking so by the time you'll reach there you'll get the time to pray and then you can easily go to Abdullah bhayi's office as well." He said in one breath.

"Why are you so impatient?" I replied in an exasperated tone.

"I am just saying." He sighed on the other side.

"I am sorry! Irtiza I don't know, it's like there is so much stress." I said rubbing my temples. Suddenly Matt entered into my room with a bang.

"IT'S..IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR YOUR PRAYER!" He almost yelled.

"Seriously? You two are making me nuts! This is not helping me! The stress is already killing me and you two are just working as fuel to the fire!" I half whispered/yelled and then there was dead silence on the other side of the phone and in the room.

"Sorry," The both muttered at the same time.

"Is that Matt?"

"Is that Iritza?"

"Yes!" I replied and I was talking to both of them at the same time.

"Put on loud speaker." They said, Are they telepathic? If yes, so this is really annoying.

"Hello Irtiza you are on." Matt took my phone in his hand.

"Look no one should panic. Let's be calm here!" we heard him and I rolled my eyes, "Okay! Boys let's take deep breathe." Matt was literally following each step.

"Why the heck are you two acting like I am going on a battlefield? Why the heck you two are over reacting?"

"Look because we know how it feels," Matt shrugged and Irtiza agreed.

"I remember when I was about to propose Jane, I almost peed my pants, ALMOST!" I zoned out when Matt started his story.

Sitting on the edge of my office table I just begged Allah to help me.

"By the way she has just left the office!"

"WAIT WHAT?" Matt and I screamed together.

"Dude your fiancé works for our rivalry company!" Matt said with an annoyed tone as if it was my fault.

"Great!" I rolled my eyes.

"I didn't knew you guys hated us so much!" We heard Irtiza's annoyed voice and smirked.

"Anyways does she know that I work in J.S.T?" I asked now taking interest in the conversation.

"Allah knows I don't really have any idea and I am not interested in anyone who works in J.S.T!" I am sure he must be rolling his eyes.

"Whatever as if we are." Matt replied.

"Oh buddy! I bet Wali is!" Now he must be smirking.

"Guys it's enough! I should leave." I said shaking my head and start packing up my laptop bag, while they two bid their farewell with calls of best luck.

------

Half an hour later when I parked my car in front of Abdullah bhayi's organization my hands were turning cold, I finally can name the feeling I am having, Fear, it's definitely fear and the most bizarre thing is I am here to make them reject this proposal but at the same time I am fearing the refusal. I was continuously gulping in my saliva to the limit that now my mouth was dry like desert sand.

This wasn't a good idea.

Is she feeling the same?

But more than that does she still have same disgust for me?

Why would she say yes?

I got freedom from my killing thoughts when my phone make the loud voice through vibration and Abdullah bhayi's name was illuminating the screen.

"Asalam O Alikum," I stuttered.

"Walkium As Salam Wali, are you good?" He asked.

"Jee Abdullah bhayi, Alhamdulillah!"

"When are you getting here?"

Ya Allah!

I should say that I am not coming.

"Wali, you still there?"

"Jee jee! I just parked the car in front of your office I am on my way." The words came out of my mouth before I could process it.

"Chalo good, we are waiting." He said happily.

We!

Now there is no getting back.

Killing the engine I stepped out of the car and dragged myself in a two story house kind of building which was used as New York branch of Muslim Fund Organization, it's also used as orphanage for Muslim Orphans. Entering the gate I met two of the kids I have known from the first day I started coming here, Maha and Ibaad.

"Wali bhayia!" Maha smiled while the five year old Ibaad quickly followed her.

"We missed you." He said flashing a toothy grin.

"Oh champ! I missed you too!"

"What about me?" Maha quickly complained her grey eyes squinting as she frowned.

"Missed you too lady!" I smiled at her.

"Prove it!" she said continuing her frown.

Laughing I took out the pack of chocolates I bring every time I come here; "Obviously you would not let me pass those entrance gate without your chocolates, now would you?" I said with a smirk giving her, her share.

"And Ibaad these are for you while the rest for others! Better share, big guy!" I handed him the plastic bag and he nodded with the wide smile and ran away.

Following their footstep I entered the building and after greeting everyone I made my way towards Abdullah bhayi's room, it wasn't the first time I was here but the reason I was here today was new and only thinking about it is making me crazy. Climbing up the stairs I was going through the speech I made last night, but I don't even remember anything.

Ya Allah! Help me!

With the slow steps I was taking after good few minutes I came right in front of his room but there was no power left in me and I couldn't bring myself to knock the door but suddenly it flew open and I gasped.

"Wali! Asalam O Alikum! Come in!" Abdullah bhayi greeted me with a wide smile and took a step back giving me space to enter but he doesn't even know that my feet were glued on their spot and if you look closely you would find sweat beads on my temple while my hands were sweaty and trembling and it took all in me to move them forward and meet Abdullah bhayi's waiting hand.

"Are you okay? Your hands are cold." He questioned with a concern voice.

"J...je...jee bilkul theek."

Damn! Get a hold on yourself!

"Come get in bhayi! Pehli baar thori ayai ho." (Come on get in! It's not like you are here for the first time.) He said with a teasing smile which I returned with a forced one.

And gathering all my energy I entered the room, my eyes were focused on the ground.

"Take a seat! Khadija had just gone downstairs to the kitchen." He said and it feels like someone had provided me with fresh air, my eyes shot up and indeed it was just the two of us here. Suddenly the weight was lifted off my chest and I smiled freely.

Taking the seat on the couch beside him we both involved started discussing about the Islamic school he is making in Massachusetts and about another one in Virginia which I am also involved in. In Shaa Allah next year both the schools will be starting their first session. We were still discussing plans when the door creaked open and the same voice I can even recognize from fifty miles away ringed in my ears.

"Chacho it's... oh!" she stopped right in her path as she saw me I guess, I couldn't see her because I had my back but a wide eyed Khadija from Yale's university came into my mind, her mouth slightly open and her deep brown eyes amused. It was not once but million times that I made myself notice her in those three years I have known her.

"Khadija meet Wali and Wali here is my daughter Khadija," Abullah bhayi smiled and from in front of me he walked to the opposite side and to avoid more awkwardness, I slowly turned trying to focus at the ground but betraying me, my eyes shot up to look at her, and this time when our eyes met I breathed out because there was curiosity and amusement in her eyes but they didn't had the expression which I feared the most. Her head and shoulders were elegantly wrapped in beige color hijab while there was this beautiful glow on her face which was so captivating that it became hard to remove my eyes from her face.

"Asalam O Alikum," she whispered and leading her Abdullah Bhayi sat with her on the couch opposite to me.

"Walikum As Salam," I said as she passed me and sat along with Abdullah bhayi.

"Bhayi Wali! I consider you a son so whenever you are with me I make you sit with me but Khadija is the exception." He said while patting her lightly and I smiled at him.

The nervousness and anxiety left me at peace and now I was confident enough to at least speak properly.

"So I can say that you both know each other already, at least names and all so there is no need for formal introduction, I guess." He said looking at the two of us.

"Um..."

"I don't think so," she said slowly.

"Wali, I guess you should say whatever you want without any problem and worry or do you want me to go to the next room," before I could say anything Khadija quickly grabbed his hand pleading him from her eyes.

"No, Abdullah bhayi, I guess you should be here." I said him with an assuring smile.

"Sure." He smiled.

"Um... Basically Abdullah Bhayi," I started impatiently rubbing my hands, "As you know I wasn't quiet expecting, you know this to happen when I was in Pakistan so... um—"

"Do you have someone else in mind?" he asked and I choked.

"What? No!"

"Then?"

"Ya Allah! This is way too hard then I expected..." I gave out a nervous laugh.

"You are scaring me, Wali." Abdullah bhayi and I gulped.

Taking a deep breath I made a silent prayer and just giving him a last glance I quickly brought the purpose I was here for in my mind, it has to be done; "Abdullah bhayi, I tried to make dad decline this proposal because I am not in a condition to marry Khadija or any girl for that matter—"

"What—" he was cut in between by Khadija herself; "Let him say," I heard her soft whisper which just made it more hard for me, the lump which was forming in my throat was hard to gulp in and now I want to close myself somewhere away from the world.

Today I am hating the man who's blood and flesh I am.

Ya Allah! I gave my matter in your custody take my revenge from him.

Ya Allah! I asked you to give her to me and not let shaitan come between us but if it was this torturous for both of us so Allah please put us to ease, if not me then just her!

Due to my vulnerable situations my eyes were becoming blurry due to the tears in them, I quickly wiped the tears and calming my voice I continued; "Few years back I had a severe head ache and it was found that I had some blood clots in my brain, obviously the first thing which all the doctor's recommended was surgery but I guess I wasn't ready enough to go through it and more like I wasn't ready to accept that I would be useless, even if they do a successful surgery because there were high chances of paralysis, you know about all the injuries, Abdullah bhayi, you know those I got through few accidents in my childhood, according to the doctors those few accidents are the reasons behind these clots," I stopped to drink some water because it felt like there are needles grown in my throat and in that moment I found Abdullah bhayi giving me a sad helpless smile but I couldn't return it, "Well, to cut the story short those severe head ache are back again and this time not only there are high chances of paralysis but now they aren't even sure that whether I'll survive it or not, the max time I have is two to three years and being in this situation I simply cannot risk someone's life and I don't even have the courage to tell my parents this, if I'll tell them the real reason behind my refusal they will break down and till I am on my both legs I don't want that to happen, take it as request but please say no because they would be hurt but it won't break them like the reality and though I have already got the appointment with a neurosurgeon in Massachusetts, so most probably later next month or in early December they'll give me a surgery appointment. Irtiza knows so Irtiza and Sabih, you know him, right?" I looked up at him on which he nodded, "Are most likely to accompany me on this medical trip, Matt wanted to be there too but he need to handle work behind my back and I have planned that somehow I'll gather up the courage to tell mom and dad." I said filling up another glass of water for me.

There was complete and dead silence in the room for the next few seconds, the silence which your teacher names as 'Pin drop silence' and I was taking this time to compose myself from shattering apart.

"I'll be right back," Khadija quickly stood up to leave the room.

But then something ignited inside me and I quickly stood up; "Khadija?" and she stopped right in her track and I knew that Allah had finally given me the chance I have been begging for.

"Khadija before you leave I want to tell you that you are in no pressure to make any judgment and whatever decision you'll take I'll respect it with all my heart and... Khadija I am sorry, I am sorry for whatever I did, I know I have caused you a lot of pain, pain which I can't explain and I am sorry, think those days as the days I was a coward running away from my own self but I am guilty, I was and I will always be but I want you to forgive me, I know I don't deserve it but I am sorry, I really am." I whispered and this time I let my tears escape, I hid my hands in the pocket of my pants so the way are shaking won't be visible but finally after the getting the moment I always prayed for a part of me was relieved but broken.

My vision was so blurry that I couldn't bring myself to look around and after waiting for few seconds I whispered salam and walked towards the door, my hands were twisting the doorknob when I heard her and it felt like the world had finally stopped and it had stopped for just the two of us; "I forgave you Wali, I forgave you when I heard you all those months ago."

And for the second in past two hours I looked at her face again and instead of coldness I found the smile I fell in love for the first time when I saw it, I saw the softness in those eyes which I thought I would never see and in those moment it was just the two of us.

And in this moment I pray against my plan that may Allah make her a part of me because standing here I know that without her I would be completely Lost and there won't be any way of coming back, of being Found.

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Asalam O Alikum!

IGNORE THE MISTAKES, I DIDN'T RE-READ IT!

Okay... so... PLEASE TELL ME! How was it??? Because this was the chapter I was waiting to write obviously there are difference in some scenes which I initially thought but nevertheless it's the chapter I wanted to reach! So please ignoring the mistake as it's 3:30 in the morning and I couldn't bring myself to wait for the sun to come out and then I'll update so I just did it! And I must add that this is the most longest chapter with above 4000 words! o.O

Secondly... GUYS WE REACHED TO OUR HIGHEST RANKING OF #239 IN SPIRITUAL ON JANUARY 1ST! ALHAMDULILLAH! *VIRTUAL HUGS FOR Y'ALL*

Lastly the slogan, VOTE AND COMMENT :D

And this chapter is dedicated to my best friend Shizaalee for being my continuous support. I LOVE YOU TO THE END OF UNIVERSE AND BACK, SHIZAAAY :*

And Thank you silent_ninja_tfios <3 for waiting for this moment, your support means a lot!

TC,

Zehra :)