*1 Year Ago*

"Yes Matt, I had already left my apartment I'll be there in less than twenty minutes." I spoke into the phone to one of my very closest friend and my colleague who was threatening me to drag me out of my apartment if I'll ditch them on the lunch we are used to have on last Sunday of every month. Matt, Irtiza, their wives and I have been doing this for couple of years now. So dropping the call I got inside my car and put the name of the new halal restaurant on GPS which Matt discovered and told all the rest of us to meet him for lunch there.

Since Matt and I became close as we both joined J.S.T Inc. together almost five years ago, we were used to spent good quality time together and got to our success level side by side, he was man of decent personality, humble, helpful, kind and always by your side and soon from friends we became closer like brothers, later our duo turned into trio through Irtiza, I met him three years ago in Washington during a workshop and it turned out that he just not live in New York but also lives near my place and that was the beginning of our friendship, Irtiza was one of those people who makes you believe that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, through him I met one of the most respectable Islamic Scholar Dr. Syed Abdullah Hameed who helped me out more than any one, helped me in understanding my beautiful religion more than I knew it, by just simple statements, he was the person in front of whom I opened myself and told him about my sins and guilt, confessing about my dreadful past I was used to hide from everyone, before meeting him I was used to offer namaz (obligatory prayers) and recite Quran with its meaning daily but the message was always left blurred inside my mind, and I was sure that Allah S.W.T is punishing me for all I have done, that it is hard for me to understand it but because of him I had the courage to hifz quran (Learning quran word by word) and I could not define the feeling when I learned and recorded the first lesson, I could not simply believe it, I still remember my conversation with Abdullah Bhai and I can't believe it's almost two years and I just took eighteen months to complete the learning, I can never forget that day, never.

"Wali would you do me a favor if I'll ask you too?" He said me one month before I decided to Hifz quran, we were sitting in his office of his Muslim Fund Organization.

" Obviously Abdullah Bhai what it is?" I looked at him with concern.

"Wali in past eight months all I have realized that you whole heartedly are ashamed of what you have done, you regret it and it takes whole lot courage to understand this, to understand what is right and what is wrong, to stand for it, to ask for forgiveness and you are like my son and I have seen you trying for it but you are still restless," He took my hands in his and it was then I realized that just some simple words but in a humble voice can shake your entire existence, I was trembling badly and my cheeks were wet with my tears which I wasn't able to control, the way he was saying and talking was making me weak, "You are not weak Wali," I looked up at him and he smiled, a smile you want to see on your father's face, "I want you to Hifz Quran, Wali." He said looking directly into my eyes.

"I... I cannot." I stuttered looking away from shame.

"Why not?" He asked humbly.

"I just couldn't." I was whispering, my voice was grave to my own ears.

"Try it son, you can." He tapped my hands as if reassuring me.

"I cannot, I have done too many sins, sins which disgust my existence, a person like me could never learn Quran, a tongue like mine could never learn those beautiful terms." I was crying harder now.

"Well then try yourself, if you would be able to learn it, it would mean your sins are forgiven that you have a chance and your heart is turning pure and if you wouldn't be able to, then ask for more forgiveness, Allah is very raheem, Wali, he loves us seventy times more than our mother does, when they could forgive us so why Allah wouldn't." He smiled at me.

That night I was restless and after exact one month I open Quran with the hope of forgiveness and once again Allah proved me that he is the most forgiving of all, all you have to do is ask for it.

Thinking about that day my eyes still got filled up with tears, I have never felt so much happy before. I was playing my own voice of reciting Surah Tauba again and again that day, I remember how happy I was when I send the audio to Abdullah Bhai and how happy he sounded on the call.

Suddenly a loud vibration brought me back on the stuck traffic road.

"Are you even coming or not?" Irtiza was yelling on the other side.

"Walikum As Salam and Irtiza my ears are going to bleed, yeah thanks for asking I am stuck in traffic." I chuckled.

"He is stuck in traffic but I bet he is still in his apartment." I heard him telling the others.

"IRTIZA REHMAN I AM FREAKING STUCK IN TRAFFIC!" I yelled and he started laughing, this guy is twenty eight, would you believe that?

Finally the car started moving and driving faster I took the left turn as the GPS guided, on my way I found quite old aged man standing asking for lifts but the cars were just passing by, the look on his face explained that he is distressed and now it would be definitely ruthless to just pass him like half of the people have already done so removing the thought of flaming Bhabis and furious friends I parked my car and got out of it.

"Hello sir, can I help you?" I asked the man.

"Son I think I'm lost, my son was supposed to pick me from here but he is not here yet, maybe he had forgotten you know how the college kids are and here I have been waiting for hours." He looked at me with painful eyes.

"Sir you can come with me, I'll drop you, and you can tell me the address." I smiled guiding him towards the car.

"Son people like you are needed, May god help you, my son." He smiled and patted my arms, his eyes were watery and I didn't regret my decision of stopping but before start driving I send the quick message to Matt and Irtiza or again they'll be childish for not informing the other when I texted one of them, though they are together.

After twenty minutes I brought the car to halt on the told address only to found that there was no house but some buildings were under construction but I got out of the car soon followed by Mr. Jacob who seem as confused as I'm.

"My house it's here, I know." He moved forward his eyebrows scrunched and distress was clear on his wrinkled face.

"Don't worry sir, let me confirm if I have got to the right place." I smiled at him and hurried to the guard which confirmed me the address but now the problem was if this is the right address where is the house? Then suddenly a thought cross my mind because my paternal grandmother who had gone through exactly the same condition this poor man might be going through.

"Sir, I'm at the wrong place let's go in the car." I smiled and started the car to turn to the police station "By the way sir can you tell me what date is today; my phone is showing the wrong date?" I carefully asked my question not to sound suspicious.

"11 July, 2010." He simply replied and I sadly smiled at him at how easily he confirmed my fear, Alzheimer's was eating up this poor soul and no wonder how worried his family would be. Driving quietly I got to the police station and found the person beside me turn rigid.

"Why did you bring the car here?" He looked at me with fear and I was trying to find right word to say. "I haven't done anything wrong, I swear, they'll beat me up!" he was sobbing and I was scared.

"Sir don't worry I'm here for my personal matter," I quickly said taking his hands in mine "Believe me sir, you called me son right? So I won't let them do anything to you." I assured him but he was shaking his head. "Sir look at me, I promise I won't let them do anything to you." And then after quiet a lot of assurance he stepped out of the car with me, holding my arm like an insecure child he followed me and I didn't let him go, I made him sit in the corner and made him believe that it's nothing and then went to explain the situation to the officer and ask them not to ask any inconvenient question from him and then finally I informed the two people I owe the explanation too, well in these timings they are the most supportive people I could have and in fifteen minutes Matt and Irtiza were both there with their wives and as Ella (Matt's wife) was a doctor she went to talk to Mr. Jacob and soon both the ladies were smiling and laughing with the old man.

"Thanks for coming guys, really I was a bit worried." I smiled at them.

"Now I won't let you take all the sawab alone," Irtiza smirked "Same." Matt smiled.

"Sure." I grinned at them and then we were told to leave but after a lot of pleading they let me stay with him and I told the others to go who finally agreed on my promise of calling and updating them with the situation, saying their goodbyes to the old man the four of them depart. It was until seven when his son arrived who was a total younger version of the old person sitting beside me, followed him was two women one of his age and other older most probably Mr. Jacob's wife and as soon as she saw him she walked faster towards him her face was wet with tears and now relief was taking over her face.

"I am so thankful to you, I can't express my gratitude to you, sir you have done more than a huge favor to me." His son was speaking continuously and the anger which was rising in my head thinking of how careless they can be subsided when I felt how much pain was in the younger man's voice that he was crying in front of a person his age. "Thank you for doing this you don't know from which pain you have saved him today." He was continuously saying.

"It was my responsibility brother; you don't have to thank me!" I smiled and hugged him "Take care of your father." I smiled and then moved towards Mr. Jacob to say goodbye and then thanking the officer I went outside.

Giving power to the engine I drove out of the station, I started the C.D player which played Surah Ar-Rehman and the car was filled with the beautiful pleasing recitation, I was engulfed in listening the recitation that I ignored the alarming of my car heating up until it started jerking and I had to stop it, pulling over I realized I am still quite far away from my apartment, sighing I searched for the water bottle in my car which I keep for accidents like this but now when I need it, it wasn't there and the only chance I have, was to call a mechanic so after explaining my situation I was left to wait, looking around as it was now dark I spotted 'The Canarsie Park' though I have driven through these road a lot of time but never got the chance to go inside this peaceful place.

'You should check out this place, ALONE I should mention if you really need to clear your mind, you know without people and you just can breathe, think and even talk to yourself.' Irtiza's voice ringed inside my head and I decided go inside.

Inside it was almost empty as the sun was down but as it was still not complete dark so I roam around and then finally sat in the corner end of the huge park, resting my back and spreading my legs, I closed my eyes and breathe in the fresh air, surely this was refreshing even the long jogs of morning are sometimes not this refreshing.

'You are becoming fan of loneliness,' My mother's voice ring inside my ear little did she know that Allah sent people away when he dearly wants you to be alone with him and you could never be lonely if you have Allah in your mind.

And then I started thinking about the last six years of my life, how much I was blessed, how many new and worthy people I met and how much we need these type of people, how much I was missing in my life, the incident which turned my path and turned my life upside down, I learned to treasure my time, my life, people, I got to learn what it's like to get hurt, what it's like when your ego is shattered and everything falls apart that's when you realized you are so much less, we are not greater from anyone, we are all equal and we are just a figure with a name and as soon as we are gone we are forgotten, there is no need to feel superior because this life, money, qualifications, status are all temporary and as soon as we will leave so will these things, those, we are so unnecessarily proud of and jus those 48 hours few years back were able to explain me this, after all we are humans and we are just dust and shadows and our deen had already taught us this;

"And walk not on the earth with conceit and arrogance. Verily, you can neither tear this earth apart nor you can rival the mountains in height" Quran 17:37

He explained us all of this and we were always in denial.

Looking up in the sky, a tear of gratitude fell down my cheek that how much I was blessed, Ya Allah indeed you are the most merciful and greatest of all.

*END OF FLASH BACK*

Entering into the most familiar place the memories of the first time I came here and all those time I came whether it was early or mid of the night when I was restless rushed back to me, I found the needed calmness here, in the silence and at nine in the morning it was still not failing to provide me what I wanted the most, isolation, isolation from similar faces, isolation from guilt, this place has become my getaway, so making it sure that I won't get disturbed I texted Matt to look after today's work on my behalf as I won't be there and turned off the phone. Walking slowly, my hands shoved inside my pocket I walked towards my usual place and sat, closing my eyes, I covered my face with my hands and brought a very familiar face in my mind.

Why after all these years?

Were not the news I heard about her enough? Every day when I cried for myself, I cried for her, for earning her forgiveness, she was the only one who kept my mind clouded after months of the graduation, even after coming to New York every other girl I would look in crowd in hijab would remind me of her, My nightmares were filled up with her pretty yet heartbreaking face, she was something, she did something to me which no one was able to! From the first day I laid my eyes on her till the last day that woman distressed my thoughts all I wanted was to end those annoying feeling whenever I was used to saw her face, in those four years her little acts were captive of my sense, during lectures, the way she smiles, the way she explains, the way she talk and whenever any men from the university was used to talk to her and she would smile or her eyes would sparkle with amusement I wanted to be that man.

Still you disrespected her?

Why Wali? What she possibly did to you?

You ruined her when she didn't even know you?

Why would she choose a sinner like you? You were never compatible to her!

"YA ALLAH, YA RAHEEM, YA MALIK HELP ME!" I cried in pain, in agony and then I cried some more.

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