Throughout most of dinner, I think about Kaleb, and how good I've been feeling lately. Mom, hasn't seen me this happy in years. I finally, finally decided to bite the bullet and look at my text messages. There were two from my boyfriend: Jacob. One from this morning: Good Morning my love, and one from an hour ago Are you alright? I figured, the best way to move on like nothing ever happened, was to act like it never did. Sure, Jacob would find out one day. But nobody ever marries their high school sweetheart. Yeah, I've been away from my phone today, I'll see you tomorrow tho. I replied, adding the kissy face emoji for good luck. My lock screen, was a picture of Jacob and I at prom last year, me and my long red dress and his black suit. We'd won prom queen, and king. Which, normally I would've rubbed in Harper's face just on principle.But, now with her going to St. Anne's Catholic High school, and me going to Lakeshore County High School, I couldn't say much.

"Aaliyah, please pass the salt." My mother said, from across the table. I picked up the salt shaker handing it to her. My mother's name was Charmaine and she was perfect. With long dirty blonde hair that flowed halfway down her back, and sparkling green eyes, she looked straight out of a magazine. She also, looked the same age as Harper and I. Both of us having been born when she was only twenty. She, was the exception to my: nobody marries their high school sweetheart rule. She and My father had married at eighteen, and been together ever since.

"How was your day girls?" My father asked, taking a sip of his beer.

"Good, Adrian took me to the movies, and then we went and got ice cream." Harper said, cooing.

"So no dessert for you tonight?" My mother asked. My father sighed, giving my mother a slight look.

"Ice cream is plenty enough sugar for one day. The only thing more unforgiving than a scale? Is a teenage boy." My mother replied. Harper cringed slightly.

"No dessert." She said, in an effort to cool the rising tension. My mother gave her a proud smile.

"But, eat all the lettuce you want." She told Harper, and Harper nodded. Adding more salad to her plate. We ate in silence for a while, then my mother looked towards me.

"Aaliyah darling, your coming to church tomorrow yes?" She asked. I nodded. I had missed church last week, because I had a migraine so bad I couldn't get out of bed.

"I didn't feel well." I reminded her. She nodded.. The silence returned. I actually, was looking forward to church tomorrow. On Monday, I had bought a beautiful long white dress with long sleeves it was a v neck, but still appropriate for church. I wanted Jacob to see me in it. Perhaps, I would even ask my mother to curl my hair like she used to do when I was little. Maybe I'd use the gold eyeshadow I'd got for Christmas last year.

When the morning does come, I'm out of bed at 8am. Once dressed I do ask my mother to curl my hair, I would admit, it looks gorgeous. She curls into ringlets that fall about my face. She smiles at me in the mirror.

"You do look pretty, Liyah." She says, placing a hand on my shoulder. I nod. Even I agreed with her.

"Thanks, I wanted to look pretty, for..." I started, then stopped.

"For Jacob, there's no shame in that." She says, Tucking my hair behind my ear. I thank her again, and shut the door behind her. I have a few minutes before we need to leave. I've already done my makeup, foundation, concealer, blush, contour etc. From a small drawer, I pull my favorite lipgloss, Dior. Jacob got it for me, two weeks ago. The anniversary of our first date. I smile, applying it. We need to leave now. I take one final glance at myself in the mirror. Realizing, I don't look anything like how I feel. I take a photo of myself in the mirror and post it to Instagram.

"Aaliyah! Let's go!" My father called, banging on the bathroom door. I dashed from the bathroom. In the car, Harper and I took our assigned seats. I always sat behind dad, who always drive, and her always behind mom, always the passenger. Our church, was five minutes from our house. In Salt Lake though, more Mormons than Catholics by far. My mother, turned on the radio.

"We haven't been to Mass, in forever, I wonder what they'll say." She frowned. My father shrugged.

"They should understand, afterall, we were on vacation, and then Aaliyah was sick, we're busy people." He said. I loved my dad, for always being the voice of reason in our family.

When we arrived at church, and stepped out of the car, the first people I saw were Jacob and his family. Of course. My mother called out then.

"Sarah!" She said. Sarah, Jacob's mother turned and lit up seeing us. She rushed over. Jacob followed too.

"Charmaine, so good to see you!" Sarah exclaimed, then she hugged Harper, my father, and I. Jacob embraced me as well. He drew back.

"You look beautiful." He said, giving me a once over.

"Doesn't she?" His mother said.

I was grateful, that right then we all moved toward the doors. I saw Will, standing with their father. Neither of them having said anything. We took our seats toward the front. I ended up between Jacob, and Will. I had yet to look at Will, though I felt his eyes on me, through all of mass.

When Mass was over, I saw Will walk downstairs, He looked behind him, everytime. I watched him. Then, he paused and waited. I got the sinking feeling he wanted me to follow him. So I did, we slipped away from the croud. Downstairs, were spare chairs, and the little kids room. Nobody was there. He shut the door behind us. Leaning against the wall, I watched his eyes rove my body. I felt, uncomfortable.

"So, we need to talk." He stated. Captain fucking obvious.

"Yes, we do. I said, sighing.

"What was that?" He asked. I looked at him, wondering what he meant.

"What, was what?" I asked, genuinely wondering.

"You were gone, when I woke up." He said. I rolled my eyes, remembering that night. I remember, now why I had been with Will, and it felt as painful as it did the night it happened.

"I went home." I said, stating the obvious. He rolled his eyes at me this time.

"You came to me, remember?" He asked. I felt the knife twist in my gut again. I shook my head firmly. That was it, the fight me and Jacob had over the girl I didn't trust. Then him swearing at me calling me controlling, and overactive. and me saying I was going home, then me asking Will if he knew anything about it. Will telling me what the best therapist was, alcohol. He produced shooters from under his mattress. I cringed, remembering the rest, the ensuing quiet laughter. The way he'd looked at me. The way I had kissed him, trying to forget what I knew was true. The way, I had whispered this is wrong. so let's stop. He'd replied, and then we didn't.

"Your twenty." I reminded him. He nodded, glancing around the room. Even though, there was only a three year difference, he might as well have been 60 and me 10.

"You'll be eighteen in like what, nine months?

"Yeah, it's april and I'll be eighteen in december."

"So what are we doing?" He asked me. I sighed.

"We slept together once, never again." I said firmly. I had a boyfriend, who I might be losing, to someone else, or maybe he was just bored of me. But I was afraid, if I brought it up, the truth of the sin I'd committed, would be revealed.

"Alright, your choice." He said, and in two strides closed the distance between us. I admired him, his jet black hair and piercing blue eyes. Even though looking into his eyes, was like looking into Jacob's. We were so close I could smell his cologne. He traced his finger over my shoulder.

"He was right, you look beautiful." He whispered, his voice low and seductive. I had never hated myself more, than in that moment. I looked up at him, at his handsome face, his alluring eyes. I wanted to kiss him, I wanted him.

"Leave me alone." I told him, but I didn't want him too. He drew back. From his pocket he drew a cigarette, and pressed it into my hand. I shook my head. But he had already opened the door, and left me alone. I rolled it around, between my fingers, then I noticed on the cigarette, was a phone number. I sucked in air. Fuck my life. Was all I thought.

On the drive home, i felt the cigarette pressed against my breast. I hated it's presence. I hated myself. I needed to forget this happened, I needed to not do what I did next. When I found myself alone in my room, I opened the drawer of my desk. On a sticky note, I wrote down the number, and shoved it back into the drawer. I hated myself more, in that moment. I tossed the cigarette in with it. Then, I slid the sticky note from the drawer, and slipped it into the back of my phone case. I stripped off my dress, I buried my face in my pillow and screamed. What was I even doing? What the fuck am I becoming? I asked myself. Then I resolved, in that minute, to change forever. No smoking, no drinking, no sex. I commanded myself. Over and over, until I really believed I could do it.