Harper and I graduated from high school on May 28th. I celebrated by getting absolutely shitfaced on expensive wine. I was still seventeen, but I was free from high school. Summer had come, and Will and I had continued our affair, if it was to be called that. It was June, and I had shown up at his window, my hair drenched from the rain, my clothes were stuck to my body, showing my skin through them. When I swung my legs over his window, it was with the need of warmth. I shed my shirt and sweatpants, revealing my bar breasts, and black underwear. Will, was leaning against his dresser, he smiled seeing my naked body. From his dresser drawer, he produced a pack of cigarettes. He tossed it to me, making his way toward me and handing me a lighter. As I lit the cigarette and went to sit on his bed, he wrapped a blanket around my shoulders.

"You're wet." He said, lighting his own cigarette.

"Is that a come on?" I asked him. He smirked, and then leaned in to kiss me. He tasted like smoke, and when he breathed, smoke drizzled off his lips. I smiled, he went to put both of our cigarettes out on an ashtray. Then, he slid his hand past my underwear, and sank them against my clit. He began moving them back and forth. I gasped, and tried to keep from moaning while he increased the pace. His other hand moved to cover one of my breasts. In between heavy kisses he pulled away from me, my nails were dug into his shoulders. His face was flushed as he looked down at me.

"I love you." He said. When he said that, my body broke open into a million pieces around his fingers. I arched my back, and my legs quaked with pleasure.

"Fuckk." I moaned, as i got the sweet release I missed everytime I wasn't with him. He withdrew his fingers, and rolled from on top of me. As I allowed my body to come off my high, I looked at him.

"I love you too you know." I said, my voice low and tired. He nodded. Running a hand over his cock through his boxers.

"Prove it." He said.

So I did, I slid onto my knees on the floor, my hands pulling off his underwear, as I slid one of my hands along the shaft of his dick. He exhaled, and leaned back on his forearms. But before I moved again, I saw something flicker in my peripheral vision. I don't really know, how long Jacob had been standing in the doorway before he said something.

"Will?" He asked, his voice choked. I scrambled to my feet, and I yanked myself away from Will. Jacob's eyes widened seeing my face. Then, he slammed the door behind him. I tried in vain to locate my clothes while I refused to make eye contact with Will who was doing the same. Once my shirt was halfway on my body, I left Will standing in darkness, to go find Jacob. When I did find him, he was laying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. When he saw me, he averted his eyes. I leaned against his doorframe. Long silence passed.

"Say something." I whispered. He looked up at me, my hair messy, and I didn't just look like I'd been having sex, I looked like I'd been through world war two. He sighed.

"go." he said, his voice laced with anger.

"Jacob-I can explain." But I couldn't, I couldn't explain, there was nothing to explain, I had no excuse, just lies.

"Aaliyah. Just fucking go." He said, still not looking a me. So I did, I walked down the stairs and out the door. Into the pouring rain, I didn't even bother shielding myself from it, I deserved the storm.

It had been a month, a whole month. It was July now, and I was depressed. I hadn't moved from bed in weeks, I hadn't spoken to anyone in weeks. I had showered, but that was because I hated being dirty, physically anyway. I ate what my mom brought me, and sometimes Harper would set a gatorade on my nightstand. But it wasn't until Harper asked me:
"Maybe your depressed because your going to get your period."

It was then I realized I hadn't gotten it, not last month, and not this month. Not since, not since Will got home. Nobody knew, other than Will and I, about the fact that we played games of russian roulette, forgoing protection for thirty seconds of ecstasy. But, now, driving to CVS, the farthest one out of town, my heart was pounding so loud I was confident it was going to explode. Pulling into the parking lot, my legs were trembling as I climbed from my car, dropping my keys on the pavement. There was no way, I told myself, that I could be pregnant. I was probably just overthinking it.

I selected two boxes, each containing three tests. They all boasted: "SIX DAYS SOONER!" and "99% ACCURATE". In big bold text, they scared me. A little inanimate object, scared me. But I knew, in the back of my mind, what they would read. Sitting in my bathroom, I paced back and forth, watching the ticking time bomb sitting on my counter. In two short minutes, it would tell me my future. I decided, to take a walk to the kitchen, I got a cup of orange juice, and a plain piece of toast, taking my time climbing back up the stairs. When I rounded the doorway to the bathroom, I saw the test. I saw what it read. The biggest, darkest, plus sign I had ever seen, glared at me. I dropped my glass of orange juice, it shattered on the floor, in a million pieces, and so did I. I snatched up the test, my eyes bulging out of my head.A million thoughts flashed in my head. I was really pregnant, there was a baby inside of me, and it was my boyfriend's brothers. What was I going to do? Who was I going to tell?

Just then, the front door slammed. Harper was home, I stuffed the test in my sweatshirt pocket. I then went in search of a broom, as I was sweeping up the glass, my head filled to bursting with thoughts, I felt tears pricking my eyes.

"Lia?" Harper asked, leaning against the bathroom door. I jumped, and watched in horror as the test fell to the floor. I made the grab it, instead grabbing a piece the largest shard of glass, slicing my hand open. blood appeared instantly on my palm.

"Oh shit!" I exclaimed, dropping the broom. Harper moved towards me, glass crunching underneath her sneakers.

"Aaliyah?" She asked again, grabbing the pregnancy test from the ground. I started crying in the moment. My body shaking with sobs, from the pain in my hand, and the baby inside my body.

Harper, led me out of the bathroom, and into my room. Where she wrapped my palm in a bandage, and sat with me on my bed, still holding the pregnancy test.

"You're pregnant." She said, and I nodded, a new flood of tears accompanying it.

"Yeah, yeah. It seems like it." I said, struggling to breathe.

"I didn't know you-you and Jacob, you know." She said. I shook my head. Taking the next to minutes to calm myself the fuck down. If anyone could help, it would be Harper, this didn't have to be a thing. I reminded myself.

"We didn't.." I started.

"Didn't what?" She asked, dumbfounded.

"We didn't have sex." I told her. I hadn't told her we'd broken up again. It wasn''t worth it, but I felt better now that she'd told us. She dropped the pregnancy test, and stared at me. Her eyes wide.

"Then who was it?" She asked, her voice shrieky, like she was the one pregnant.

"Will." I told her, no warmth to my words.

"You had sex, with him?" She asked, trying to piece everything together in her mind.

"We got together, while I was still dating Jacob. Then, while we were broken up, I was with him every night. it's his baby." I told her, laughter bubbling up in me. It was so horrible, it was almost funny.

"What are you going to do?" She asked, after a long silence. I shrugged, trying to still my trembling body.

"I don't even know." I said, my heart heavy.

"Are you going to keep it?" She asked.

"I don't have a choice." I tell her. This is mostly true, I won't be eighteen for a long time, by the time I am, I'll be to pregnant for an abortion, and it's a sin. That, is the bigger deal, is it's a sin to get an abortion. Maybe, if I'm lucky God will forgive me for everything else, but not abortion. Not taking a human life, as its said.

"Oh." She said

.

********************************

In the coming week, I wondered about the baby. I wondered how I would tell my mother, how long I could hide from it. Maybe, I thought, I could be like a girl from one of those movies, who hid her pregnancy for nine months, had the baby and gave it up for adoption, then come home acting like nothing ever happened. . Harper, to her credit, had gotten me prenatal vitamins, which I took, pretending they were regular vitamins. Admitentally, I had smoked a little too many cigarettes, after finding out about the baby, and then panicked wondering if I would have a mis-carriage, then panicking because I wished for one. Then panicked, because those were horrible thoughts. I was in a constant state of panic, now I was anyway.

Harper, told me we needed to go to the doctor, and make sure everything was okay. I told her, I couldn't well do that, without Mom knowing.. But she had told me, we could have the reason for the visit, not put on the bill. So I went, but I went alone. Standing in the cold office waiting room, I tried my best to stay glued to my seat. I filled out the paperwork the nurse had given me i drew little stars around the contact information. Ten minutes later, the nurse called me back.

"Ms. Vause, how are you feeling today?" She asked, while taking my temperature. I shrugged,

"Uh, not well." I murmured. She nodded, escorting me into an exam room.

"On the phone you said your reason for visit was that you wanted an ultrasound. How long ago did you find out you were pregnant?." She said. I nodded my cheeks flushed.

"A week ago I took a test, and it came out positive." I told her, she nodded. Then she handed me a cup to pee in, to affirm the pregnancy and then she took my vitals, and then told me the OBGYN would be in in a minute to give me an ultrasound. She also handed me a gown made of paper to wear, she looked apologetic. Once I was changed, I lay on the exam table, my heart thumping out of my chest. The door opened then, and in it stood a women with a mane of red hair, she snapped on surgical gloves and made her way over to me.

"Hi Aaliyah I'm Dr. Lainey Parker, how are you feeling?" She asked, settling down on a stool between my legs. I felt very, very exposed as she picked up a long probe with the same shape as a curling iron. I recoiled a bit.

"i've seen better days." I said.

I was grateful she did not make any small talk while inserting the probe into me, it was awkward enough. But then she showed me the screen next to me. On it, I saw my baby. Tears, stung my eyes, because now it was real.

"It appears that you are ten weeks pregnant." She said, moving the probe a bit so I winced.

"But, I only missed my period this month." I told her, which was true. Directly after I had sex with Will, I had gotten my period.

"In some cases women do get their period even while being pregnant. Or it could've been implantation bleeding. But you said you only found out two weeks ago?" She asked.

"Yes." She switched off the screen, and removed the probe. I breathed a sigh of relief. As I sat up, she pulled off her gloves.

"Is it safe to say you got pregnant in early may?" She asked. I nodded, that was when Will had gone away to rehab, so that meant I had gotten pregnant the night he overdosed, or near it anyway.

"Yes." I said again.

"Then baby will be born late december, early january." She said. We can approximate the exact date when you are a little farther along. You can find out the gender at eighteen weeks," She said. I nodded, she left the door to allow me to get changed. As I was leaving, I requested the reason for visit not be placed on the bill, which was obliged. Though, I was in fact terrified, there was nothing i could do about the child growing inside of me. I would be eighteen soon. In december, december 25th, because of course Harper and I were born on christmas.

TWO MONTHS LATER

The Simposons was playing on the TV and Harper was bleeding. Her entire shoulder was bruised and bloody. I was sitting next to her, on the couch, with the first aid kit, and she was crying. I dabbed a cotton ball of soap and water on her shoulder, and she cried out.

"I'm sorry. But I have to clean it. " I said. She focused her eyes on the TV eyes shining with tears. Once I was done cleaning it to the best of my ability, I took the gauze pad from the package and stuck it to her shoulder. Then, came the gauze, which I wrapped around her shoulder as well. She sat up.

"It looks good." She said.

I didn't say anything. It did look good, she looked less like she'd been through a war, and more like she'd just fallen and scraped her shoulder. But that wasn't what had happened. Adrian's dad had come home to a messy house, and did what he always did, beat on Adrian. So Adrian had done what he always did, as of lately anyway. It hadn't always been like this, and that's why Harper was crying. Because, at one point she had been so in love, and so had he. But when you have a father, who has done nothing but abuse your mother, and you all your life. Maybe you think that's what you should do too, or what you are supposed to do.

"It was a beer bottle, Old Style." pause. "He's drinking again." She added,

That was never an issue either. But when your drunk father comes home drunk all the time, maybe you want to become like hi. Or maybe, wouldn't you want to be like that. Maybe you would want to be the opposite.

"He said he was sorry." She said, biting her lip.

I changed the subject, we talked about the baby. For some reason, hearing about the baby made Harper happier, than I'd seen anything make her. But when I told her that I hadn't told Will, her face contorted into a friend.

"You still haven't told Will?" She asked incredulously. I had nodded, throwing my hands into the air.

"What do you think he'll say? We haven't talked in months. Since I found out.." I said, and then I realized, it had been months since I had seen my own father.

"You won't know until you tell him." She said. It felt like Harper, was downplaying the seriousness of the situation, she knew I threw up every morning, and knew that my body felt like jello most of the time, she knew I was tired more often than night, and that soon, It would become harder to hide the pregnancy.

"He's an addict." I said, my eyes brimming with tears. I wondered if I would ever tell Will about the baby, even when it was born.

"But he's clean." She said.

"Do you want to know the gender?" Harper asked, and I shook my head. I did not, in any way shape or form want to know the gender. Because then, it would seem too real again, but it was real, and I couldn't run away from something.

"Not really." I said flatly.

I realized, just then, looking at my sister, that I did not know her. The girl sitting across from me was a stranger. I hadn't asked her how she was doing in months, I hadn't asked about Adrian, or how he was doing, or what he was doing.

"I miss you." I said, she raised an eyebrow. As if to ask me, what I meant. But I didn't know what I meant. That was what I hated the most about pregnancy, I was always emotional, like permanent PMS, my emotions were never even.

"I miss, how we used to run around in the sprinklers, and you let me practice makeup on you, and I would use lipstick for eyeshadow, and we shared a room. I miss that." I told her, willing the tears backing up behind my eyes to go away. Harper laughed a sad laughed.

"Everything was so simple, no baby, no relationships, just us, and mom and dad. One big happy family, when mom didn't work so much and dad wasn't... dad." She said. We sat with that for a minute. Realizing how much we had grown up, as of late. Then Harper looked me dead in the eyes.

"We should leave." She said, abruptly. I laughed, it caught me so off guard.

"And go where? I asked.

"When we turn eighteen, let's leave. Leave this behind, I'll finally be free from Adrian. We'll run away to New York, and I'll help you raise the baby, it can just be us." She said, her eyes shining with hope.

"What about money?" I asked. Harper rolled her eyes.

"We'll just work really hard in these coming months, and then once we have enough cash, we'll just walk out the door." She said, and so I nodded. Maybe running away would save me.

****************************************

This plan, was ludicrous. It would never work, but when you feel as though you have nothing else to hang onto, you hang onto any sliver of hope that you can find. So I clung to the plan. So I went to a job interview, for a thai restaurant downtown. They would pay eighteen dollars an hour plus tips, and it was in a part of town where nobody would know me. The manager, a seedy looking woman named Mae had hired me on the spot. Reportedly, they were desperate for waitresses. I was going to start in two days.

Afterword there I was, sitting in my car in the parking lot, when I felt it. The baby kicked me. It felt like butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I smiled, placing a hand against my abdomen, and then it kicked again. I felt it, against my hand, and I fell in love. Suddenly, it was no longer about me, suddenly it was about the being inside of me, who was alive, and breathing. And completely mine. I decided then, that I did want to know what the gender was, I wanted to know if this baby would be a girl or a boy, suddenly, excitement filled my heart.