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Trigger warning

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Lottie shivered and pulled her blazer tighter around her as the whip whipped her hair across her face. She was on her dormitory balcony, watching the sunset. It was beautiful. 

A spread of warmth shifted onto her shoulders. Lottie looked over her shoulder to see Ellie placing a blanket over her shoulders. She smiled gratefully. Quietly, Ellie stood next to her as they watched the last of the light snuff out. 

"Sometimes I blame myself."

Lottie didn't look at Ellie, instead fixing her gaze on the bruised sky. 

"Sometimes... I think that Jamie left because of me."

Ellie sighed softly. She shifted on her feet, resting her elbows on the rail. She started humming. 

"Can you medicate, a broken heart?" she sang softly. Lottie looked at her, intrigued. 

"Make your tragedies a work of art." she continued. Lottie closed her eyes and listened to Ellie's voice. It was soft, tender. But she could hear the pain behind the lyrics. 

Medicate a broken heart. 

Build your walls up just to rip them apart. 

Goosebumps tickled Lottie's arms as she shivered, pulled into Ellie's voice. 

"Dr. Smile, kill me with kindness." Ellie started tapping her foot. 

 "And don't ask about the side effects."

Swallow hard,  kill sadness with science. 

But the aftermath might make you sick. 

Ellie took a short breath in, letting her voice quiver. 

Should I take a pill. 

To numb the pain. 

Change the chemicals inside my brain. 

I worry I, won't be the same. 

But I guess that that's the point?

Lottie could hear the raw pain. It made her heart ache. 

Ellie finished, the lamps on the balcony flickering to life as night fell. All that was heard was the crickets, and occasional bird flying over. 

"That was beautiful." Lottie whispered. Ellie didn't reply. Lottie heard a sniff, and looked over to Ellie in alarm. 

She was leaning on the rail, her head bowed. Her ravan hair covered her face, but Lottie knew she was crying. 

"Ellie!" she whispered. 

She shrugged off her blanket, putting it over her best friend's shoulders, hugging her tightly. Ellie's shoulders started shaking as she sobbed. The lyrics of Ellie's song rang in Lottie's head. 

Can you medicate a broken heart?

Make you tragedies a work of art. 

Medicate, a broken heart?

Build your walls up just to rip them apart. 

Is this the way to fix this or is this a quick fix?

I really couldn't say.

Can you medicate, medicate.

Medicate it away?

"Ellie?" Lottie asked tenderly. Ellie hummed in response, sniffing. "Have you been self harming?"

Ellie froze. Lottie noticed that she absentmindedly tugged on her blazer sleeves, pulling them up to her knuckles. Lottie reached slowly over to Ellie's sleeves. 

She suddenly pulled away, walking over to the other side of the balcony. She hugged herself, still shaking. She forced out a small laugh, it sounded strangled. 

"You don't need to worry about me, Lottie." she forced. "I'm alright. I'm alright." she whispered, more to herself than to Lottie. 

Lottie frowned slightly. "Ellie-"

"Lottie," Ellie snapped, "I'm fine."

Lottie froze, staring at Ellie with wide eyes. Ellie finally looked up, apologetic. 

"Lottie... I'm sorry. I... haven't been myself."

Lottie nodded slowly, eyes still wide in fear. 

She slowly walked backwards until she reached the balcony doors. She opened them and went inside, leaving them open for Ellie. 

Ellie sighed. 

What's wrong with me?

"Ellie?" 

Lottie's voice disrupted her thoughts. Ellie looked up to see Lottie standing in the doorway, holding a bottle. A small bottle of... pills. 

Crap.

Ellie's eyes widened in fear. She took a hasty step to snatch the bottle away from Lottie's hand, but she yanked it out of her reach. Ellie slowly met Lottie's eyes. They were... different. Angry, demanding. 

"Give me the bottle." she demanded through gritted teeth. Lottie glared at her, furious. 

"No. Tell me why you have these." Ellie growled. 

She lunged at Lottie, tackling her to the carpet of their room. She straddled her, wrestling the bottle out of her hand. She quickly opened it and shook out the last two pills. Popping them into her mouth, she cringed as she dry swallowed them. 

Lottie looked up at her friend, scared. Ellie took in a deep breath, feeling the pain slough away to nothing. 

Ellie quickly got off her, stalking to the bathroom and locking herself inside. 

Lottie sat up, head dizzy from when Ellie tackled her. 

What the muffin just happened?

🐺

It had been several days since, and Lottie hadn't reported Ellie to Professor Devine. She knew she should've. But every time she stopped outside her office, hand up to knock, something stopped her. Left her confused. 

Ellie grew cold, distant. She stopped coming to meals. She started skipping curfew. Stopped paying attention in class, letting her grades slip. Every time she looked into Ellie's stormy eyes, she didn't see the gentle and funny girl she knew. 

She saw a stranger. She saw someone dangerous, like an untamed wolf. She saw a psychopath. 

It was then more than ever that Lottie wished Jamie was with them. To lecture them about manners, maturity and their grades. 

She shivered. Knowing that both Jamie and Ellie had lost themselves made her feel alone. 

She had spoken to Binah, who had told her to watch Ellie closely. She had spoken to Anastacia and Saskia, who told her to keep her distance. 

"Ellie would want some distance. Some times alone." Saskia said. 

That didn't sound like her princess at all. 

Now, she was standing in front of Room 221, prepping herself. Lottie sighed. She really needed to stop it. 

She opened the door. What she saw left her scarred. 

Ellie was lying on the Persian rug, a small bag of white powder resting in her palm, unopened. But what shook Lottie was the blood. 

Ellie's sleeves were stained with dark blood. Her eyes were closed. 

"Ellie! Ellie, wake up!" Lottie rushed over to her room mate, holding her wrist. There was several slashes, as well as scars. Tears pricked her eyes. 

Ellie was meant to be the strong one. 

Ellie was a storm and never showed weakness. 

Lottie gently shook Ellie's head. 

No response. 

She ran out, running to Professor Devine's office. She banged on the door, hammering until her could hear her footsteps. 

The Deputy Head opened her door. Tears were streaming down Lottie's cheeks. "Please, Professor, Ellie's hurt herself."

The teacher's face changed, as she pushed past Lottie. Lottie ran after her. 

They reached her dorm, Ellie was still the way that Lottie left her. Professor ran to her student, picking up her wrist and inspecting it. SHe frowned and shook her head. 

"Lottie, go down to the foyer and get Eliza to call an ambulance." She demanded. Lottie nodded, and rushed to the stairs. 

Please, Ellie. Don't die on me.

Don't die on me. 

Don't leave me like Jamie did. 

🐺

Lottie sat in a chair next to Ellie's bed, counting to beeping coming from the heart monitor. She sighed, shifting. She watched Ellie's face. It was gaunt, and pale. Ellie's face was usually pale, but it looked white. There was bruising under her eyes. 

"I'm so sorry, Ellie." Lottie muttered. 

She was in Ellie's hospital room with Binah. Binah stayed quiet, instead drawing in her sketch book. 

Can you medicate a broken heart?

Yes. Yes, you can. 

But... not without losing yourself. 

Lottie huffed softly through her nose. Binah didn't look up. 

"Binah?"

She finally looked up, her eyes unreadable through her round glasses. "Yes, Lottie?"

"Will she be ok?"

Binah's eyes diverted. She stayed quiet for a moment, thinking. 

"I don't know."

Lottie didn't think that three simple words would send such terror through her. Binah knew everything. Binah was reliable. 

Binah figured out that Ellie was the Maravish Princess. 

Binah knew about Leviathan. 

Binah helped them so much. 

Lottie sniffled, and forced a smile at Binah. "Thanks." she muttered. 

Binah rubbed her shoulder with her left hand, sketching with her other. 

"Lottie, you have to understand the demons Ellie has." Binah said quietly. Lottie could've sworn she heard the heart monitor skip a beat. She slowly nodded, staring at Ellie's gaunt face. 

"You can't do anything. She has to face them herself."

Lottie sighed. "You can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped." she said. 

Binah nodded. "And when Ellie wakes up, the best we can do is treat her normally. She might not be normal for a long time, but we have to watch over her."

Lottie smiled faintly. "Thank you, Binah."

Binah ripped out the page she was sketching on, and passed it wordlessly to Lottie. Lottie looked at it, tears pricking her eye. 

It was a smiling face. But instead of normal black lines, the face was outlined by pills. Different shapes and sizes. 

Dr. Smile, kill me with kindness. 

Kill sadness with science. 

Lottie felt a hand on her shoulder. Binah stood up. "Tell me is she wakes up, ok?" she asked gently. Lottie nodded. 

Can you medicate a broken heart?