12/21/16

"GRAY!" I SHOUT in excitement as I see my best friend enter the Hasting household with a large duffel bag in her hands. I knew her and Cale were finally arriving today, but I didn't know what time.

Her eyes widen at my presence, and she quickly drops her bag and runs to meet me in a fierce collision of hugging. We are completely smooshing each other, but neither of us cares.  Because this time apart, no matter how small, has been life altering.

Grayson had Cale with her for the first time at her home in Virginia. For the first time together as a couple in front of her family. They've overcome leap and bounds being together after all this time, and being able to be around family together has shown just that.

My time in Easton has changed me as well in ways I never expected but also for the better. Tears prick my eyes, but not from sadness, from pure overwhelming joy.

"I've missed you," I tell her truthfully as I pull her in closer for a lingering second before finally releasing my best friend.

As she pulls away her eyes take over me and I know she can see the difference. See the change that's happened within me over the last couple of weeks. The sadness that clouds my eyes isn't as prominent, the sadness I always try to cover with fake happiness. Fake smiles. Fake, fake, fake. With my hair in its natural wavy state, not a lick of makeup covering my face, and in a simple flowy dress paired with an oversized cardigan, I'm as real as I've ever been. And it shows.

"Come on," she smiles. "Let's go for a walk," she suggests looping her arm through mine.

Cale casts her a questioning gaze, and for a moment I feel bad I haven't greeted Cale and am taking away his girlfriend. But Grayson quickly waves him off and leads me through the Hasting's house until we are peeling our shoes off and walking through the soft sand. I pull my arms across my body as the cool wind bounces off the waves and hits my pink cheeks.

We walk our ways down the beach until we both come to a stop a ways down from the house. We both lower ourselves into the soft grains and sit in silence as we both stare at the crashing waves. With the wind they are wilder, and we both watch as the blue hues mix with the grey sky. We let the wind wrap around us, chilling us ever so slightly without the hot sun to warm us. We take in the beauty around us before we talk about the changes we've experienced.

My best friend speaks first, letting her words mix with the wind. "When Cale ran out on my sister at their wedding, he didn't speak to his dad for months," Grayson tells me as her eyes focus on the water.

My eyebrows rise at her words in surprise. "Really?" I question. I will never forget last summer when Grayson came into her room crying and shaking. That night she told me about Cale's words, how it was his father's idea for him to end his relationship with her. I remember how his words almost ruined her. I know that life will never be easy, but I think that might've been the hardest moment in hers. Watching a man she couldn't help but love be with someone else. Her sister of all people.

She nods lightly. "He blamed him for everything," she says simply.

"Well it was his father's fault..." I trail.

Grayson lifts her striking blue eyes to meet mine. "But it wasn't," she disagrees. "Yes, his father threatened him with his inheritance, and told him to break up with me. But I was sixteen at the time and Cale was nineteen, it was barely legal and while I don't agree with how he went about it I can see his side from a business and a father's standpoint," she tells me.

"But Cale and you would be never broken up if it wasn't for his dad," I counter not understanding how calm she can be about someone who kept them apart for so many years.

She shrugs. "We can't know that," she counters easily. "Overtime we could've burned out, we were young and while we knew we wanted each other we didn't know much else about what we wanted out of life," she reasons.

"So are Cale and his dad okay now?" I ask with a slight tilt of my head.

"Yes, but it took time. Forgiving someone isn't easy when that moment becomes a defining one in your life," she explains. "But Cale wanted to hold his dad responsible for everything that went wrong, and that was a mistake. Many of Cale's actions last summer where his own and yet he still blamed his dad, someone who loves him and only wanted the best for him," she says.

"How did he forgive him?" I ask, because I realize I need to know. I've forgiven my mother to an extent, but I won't lie and say I've forgotten about all the ways she hurt me after my father passed.

She wets her lips against the drying wind. "It took time," she begins. "But to forgive someone, especially someone that you blame for altering the course of your life, you have to forgive yourself for the actions that followed. The actions the person who hurt you really had nothing to do with," she finishes.

My throat feels clogged, and my cheeks hot even in this chilled Florida weather. I try, but I can't stop the few tears that escape and run down my face in salty rivulets.

"Hayley..." she trails as she lets an arm wrap around my shoulder, and pulls me into her long blonde hair.

"I'm sorry," I murmur hating that I'm crying, but also loving how freeing it feels to openly show this side of myself to my best friend.

"Don't apologize," she states quickly. "Do you want to talk about it," she says hesitating after a beat. She treads lightly knowing last time I broke down on the phone with her I pushed her away.

"Yes," I nod pushing my shoulders back to sit up straighter. "I know agreeing to be Chase's girlfriend was stupid Grayson, but I've come to terms with a lot of myself here," I tell her openly.

"Something about this town does that," she sighs quietly as if she knows exactly what I'm talking about.

I bite at my bottom lip for a few seconds before I open myself up completely. "My father was murdered one night running an errand for my mom," I start. "He was mugged and stabbed and left for dead in a dirty dark ally," I say releasing a small breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

"Hayley," she breathes, and I can see the slight touch of sympathy cast over her eyes. But I don't want her pity; I want to grow from this moment.

"I held a lot of that resentment in for years blaming my mother and hating her, pushing her away," I admit ashamed of my actions. My best friend's words ring in my ears from before. I've been so stupid to hide from Grayson, when she's been through so much as well. Her words proof of just that, how wise she is, how she rises from the situations and doesn't let them damage her view of the word. "I used men in attempts to feel something, to mend the broken parts of myself," I follow up with, baring myself to her truly for the first time.

"It's okay," she encourages me as her arm wrapped around my shoulder holds me even tighter. Letting her strength seep into my bones and fill me.

"But what I needed was to forgive my mother, forgive myself, and see what love is," I tell her with damp eyelashes and wind chilled cheeks.

"Love?" she questions with dipped eyebrows.

"Yeah, this house, this town, this family has changed me in so many ways the past few weeks and it makes me want to be better to try and overcome all the fears I've kept locked up," I tell her as if I'm an open book. I openly share a piece of myself with my best friend.

"You are better already Hayley," she whispers with the wind. "You are strong, no matter what you think you are strong and always will be," she says letting her words sink into my skin and penetrate my heart, my chest filling with a love only she can provide.

I pull away from her and dramatically wipe the tears from my eyes with a small chuckle. "Okay, we have to stop this," I tease.

"I know when did we turn into the type of girls who cry about everything?" she asks with a nose scrunched in distaste. Because when we met years ago, we were two lost girls wondering this world aimlessly. Angry with others, with ourselves, and afraid to show others our heart.

But time has changed all of that. Love has changed all of that, especially for Grayson.

"How was home?" I ask her in attempts to move the conversation on from me.

Her blue eyes brighten as if she can barely hold in the excitement that's winding through her. "So good," she beams with a wide smile. "I think my parents can finally see what we have, why we work so well together," she says as a small blush coats her cheeks.

"So you are done going slow," I play raising a single eyebrow.

A loud bark of a laugh escapes her lips. "I've missed you Hayley," she says. "And we haven't been going that slow," she tells me with a meaningful look. "But I told him I loved him," she confesses as her eyes hold mine.

"Oh Gray," I say as I pull her close into a hug. "What did he say? If he didn't say it back I will kick his ass," I tell her truthfully.

I pull back to see her eyes glaze over with a look I've never seen in her eyes before. One that shows me not only her heart has found a home, but her soul. A look only Cale could inspire. "He said he's always loved me, loved me since that summer, and will never stop."

"Good," I state with a nod. "You deserve nothing less," I state truthfully as I pull my cardigan around my chilled body and lean my head on my best friend's shoulder for a moment as we watch the ocean.

* * * * *

"Chase can we talk?" I ask him after I close our bedroom door softly behind myself.

He looks up from the dresser where his sweaters are, and his hazel eyes focus in on me. "Of course," he smiles. "Everything okay?" he adds after a heartbeat.

"Yeah," I start not wanting to scare him off. "I know break is almost over, but have you considering telling your parents the truth?" I ask, though my words break slightly at the end with nervousness. I know he said he isn't ready, but it's getting harder to lie around his family. To lie to such wonderful people when I'm trying to stop lying to myself.

His whole body tenses, as if my words struck a cord he isn't comfortable with. "No," he states gruffly.

"But Chase—"

"No," he cuts me off his harsh tone. "That's out of the question," he says pulling on a navy sweater over his simple white T-shirt.

I scoff taken back by his tone. "Out of the question," I repeat letting annoyance tinge my tone. "Chase this is a chance to be open with your family, who loves you and just wants what's best for you," I tell him. "You've come to terms with who you are, share that now."

He shoves the drawer back into the dresser a touch harder then needed. "Hayley, you agreed to this," he tells me as his words come out angry. "There is nothing to be shared yet, and stop acting like you know my family because you've spent a few weeks with them," he spits out at me before shoving past me and slamming the door to our bedroom behind himself.

My skin heats at his as words wash over me. I didn't mean to push him into something he isn't comfortable with. And he is right, no matter how much I love and respect I have for his family I don't know them like he does. I'm just an outsider who doesn't even have a real family, what would I know?

So I quickly change for dinner, and push away the part of me that wants to stop living this lie. That wants Chase to come clean, because it would give me the ability to come clean about these growing feelings I have for Clayton.

I only have to be Chase's girlfriend for a couple more days. I've already done it this long, I can continue to do this.

I make my way out of the room and into the main family room as Chase comes to my side and places a hand on my hip. He dips his head so we can whisper a hushed apology into my ear about his earlier actions.

But as my boyfriend speaks, my eyes lock on a pair of beautiful hazel eyes sitting across the room from us. Ones I can see above me, under me, falling apart with me.

And an uneasy feeling fills my chest, because I feel like everything might come crashing down on me all too soon.