I expected to feel awkward around Avan. So it didn't come as a surprise to me when I found myself hoping that he would not sit next to me when he entered the gym for the team's friendly scrimmage, the next Monday.

But, of course, I had no such luck.

He spotted me among the handful of people on the stadium seats and decided to join me. It was even more awkward since we were early, and none of our friends had arrived yet.

Maybe I should have listened to my instincts and skipped school today. But attending my classes was a must if I didn't want to fail this year.

Avan sat down next to me and glanced at me, a wary expression on his face.

"Hi," he said simply, and I knew he was struggling to figure out how to talk to me after the rollercoaster of a weekend that we had.

My mind wandered back to that night, and the frantic expression on Dad's face when I came home flashed back in my head. He had assumed that he would have found me home when he came back, but an empty house welcomed him.

"I know you were shocked," he had said, his voice finally calm again, "but taking off like that was irresponsible."

I nodded as I fell onto the couch. I wasn't sure I would be able to command my muscles to stand again.

"Why?" I had heard myself ask. "I would have been there to support her before her surgeries, during the treatments, whenever she was in pain. Why couldn't she just tell me? She told Avan."

Dad sat on the couch next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"She wanted to give him a choice. She wanted him to know everything about her before deciding to stay with her. She—"

Dad paused, and I wasn't sure I wanted him to go on. But as I waited for the end of his sentence, I was suddenly aware of the dryness of my throat. I was too afraid that clearing it would break him out of his thoughts.

"She thought it was only fair if he knew that it was unlikely that they would have a future together."

"She should have told me too."

"I didn't agree with her view, at first," he had said, "but you know Riley, she soon made me see things her way. Think about it. What do you remember about her? Her laughs, her quirks, her optimism, right? Well, that's exactly what she wanted you to remember. She thought your memories would get clouded with images of her groaning in pain, losing hope, getting discouraged. She didn't want you to feel sorry for her."

I couldn't even picture her discouraged. In my head, she was still that sun that never dimmed, and I couldn't imagine her any other way.

"But that was part of her too. I just wanted to know her." My voice was nothing but a whisper as tears streamed down my cheeks. "I didn't need her to be strong for me all the time. I would have liked to be there for her too."

"Are you okay?" Avan's gentle voice brought me out of my thoughts.

I realized that my eyes had been watering, and I rubbed them to wipe the tears away before they attracted attention.

Some part of me wanted to be mad at him and Dad for not telling me anything, but I directed all that restrained anger at Riley instead.

I wasn't okay. All morning, the lighthearted memories of Riley I usually summoned to keep me distracted were unreachable. I couldn't think about her without remembering that we hadn't been nearly as close as I thought.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Quick! Say something before he asks again. "Did your parents get here already?"

"They're staying until summer," he said, and hesitated before adding, "They've asked me to come with them during their next trip."

"What did you tell them?"

"That I would consider it," he told me, and the answer caught me off-guard because I had expected him to say no.

"Why?" Somehow, my tone remained impassive, even with the chaos inside my brain.

He sighed but didn't reply. After a few minutes had passed, I was starting to think that he may not have heard the question, then he answered. "I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't know. It's like I can't think of myself without mentioning Riley somewhere in that same phrase. I can't remember who I was before we started dating."

I understood what he meant. I also struggled to think about who I was outside of her. Every story I told myself about me and every memory I remembered included an "and Riley". For most of my life, it had been "me and Riley", and knowing that the future would be different made me anxious.

"I don't know what I even expect from this trip. I guess I just need a break."

"Are you worried it might end up like your trip to Italy?" Maybe if I didn't look so hesitant, he would have forgotten that he had eluded the question the last time we talked about it.

"I think I can do better this time," Avan said and didn't add anything as more people entered the gym.

The team jogged onto the court. Their green uniforms matched the vibrant school-spirit colors that still decorated the gym. Though we had lost the last game, the school body was still ecstatic about how far we had gotten in the league championship.

"What happened last time?" I asked because he didn't seem to be about to elaborate.

"Made a string of poor decisions," he said, leaning back in the uncomfortable bleacher seats. "It was a new country. I needed guidance, but my aunt was overwhelmed by her art programs. So, she didn't have time to be around too much, and naturally, I took it as an excuse to do stupid things, like getting into fights and parties."

"Did I hear "party"? Did someone say party? I'll be there." The excited voice belonged to Brooklyn as she walked to our seats. Henry and Jayce were walking alongside her, and Jayce shook her head at her friend.

The few other people in the room turned to Brooklyn, and she grinned, not minding the attention.

"I think that's the scout," she said, sitting by me and lightly tapping my arm to make me pay attention to her words. She nodded towards the door where a middle-aged man had just come in. "Has Arson done anything cool yet?"

"The game hasn't started yet," I told her, and she gave me a sheepish smile.

"Oh. I'm just excited, you know. Imagine if he gets picked! That would be—"

"Slow down, sweetie," Jayce said, patting Brooklyn's shoulder with a book she had been holding. "Don't get ahead of yourself."

A smile broke onto Brooklyn's features. "He just makes it easy to bet on him. See, even Henry agrees," she said, pointing to Henry's subtle nods behind them.

For the first time, he combed his hair back instead of over his eyes, and he looked engaged in the girls' conversation.

"Anyway, what are you two up to?" Brooklyn asked Avan and me, too hyped to wait for proper answers. "Did you hear about Henry's tutoring idea? He thought we could meet up after school and 'binge-study' as he calls it."

"I might need that." Avan rubbed the back of his neck, a sheepish look on his face.

"Must be regretting all the classes you skipped now, aren't you?" I joked, and though I wasn't feeling at my best today, the jest somehow cheered me up, especially when Avan rolled his eyes, amused.

"That was one time, Ava," he said, repeating the same thing he had said the last time I teased him about that.

"I'm up for the tutoring thing," Jacob said when he reached our little group at the front bleachers. "Celery and I need to work on those grades. My grades seem to decrease by the minute."

Jayce chewed on her lip like she did when she was dying to say something. "You know," she finally said, after remaining silent for as long as she could, "we could avoid all this if all of you would pay attention in class."

"Sure, but where would be the fun in that?" Brooklyn asked with a grin, nudging Jayce in the ribs.

"Oh, I don't know. Graduation, maybe?"

Jacob dismissed her claim with a wave of her hand. And this conversation went on for longer than I cared to listen.

About an hour later, Arson joined us after his conversation with the scout that we had all watched intensely. Even though we hadn't been able to hear a single word of it, we tried to interpret the meanings of the looks on their faces.

"Bad news," he said, and the serious expression on his face indicated that he wasn't kidding.

The jokes and the laughter stopped as we waited for him to explain.

"Did you not make it?" Brooklyn asked.

"That's not it. He did offer me a spot on his team." He brushed the sweaty strands off his forehead. "But it's in Ohio."

"Oh." She frowned. "I thought it was a local university."

"Me too," he said, a small smile on the corner of his lips.

I knew change was impending. It would be ridiculous to assume that we would all go to college together but somehow, it still surprised how fast it was happening.

Even so, despite my aversion for change, I was excited for him.

"Congratulations," I told him, and his shoulders visibly relaxed. "You deserve it."

Pages were turning, and I wanted to chase after them and try to hold them back to return to the previous ones. They were the ones I was used to; they were the ones I could predict. I knew every letter written on them. They were safe.

But I knew I couldn't hold them back. They didn't slow down to wait for my approval.

Change was coming, whether I wanted it to or not.

➷➷➷➷➷➷➷➷➷➷➷➷➷➷➷

"Turning the page?" Mr. Andrews repeated the next day during my office aide period, slightly leaning over his desk as I separated the homework papers into the right periods.

Somehow, our interactions always transformed into therapy sessions.

"You know, it's like your life is a book, and you want to read that same page over and over where things were still how you wanted them, but then you know you have to let the pages turn. You know what I mean?" I only said that when I knew that I didn't make sense.

Mr. Andrews tilted his head to the side as to better understand me. "Let the pages turn, that's an interesting way to talk about it. To be quite honest, it wouldn't occur to me to linger on the one page. I think I'd be excited to turn the pages and see what's next."

I handed the classified sheets of paper to him. Once again, I wished I could have also arranged them based on handwriting patterns just to keep myself distracted.

"Did something happen to trigger these thoughts?" he asked, cautiously placing the papers in front of him on the desk.

Since I found it much more natural to talk to him now, I told him about Riley and the betrayal I felt. I told him that I wished I could return to the page where I thought I knew her.

I expected him to start a lecture about letting go and moving on, but I had not anticipated his reaction. He smiled, and said, "Sounds like a good old sibling feud."

And maybe I would have gaped at his word choice if I didn't restrain myself. "What?"

"Treat it like any other fight," he told me.

His words confused me, yet after school, I decided to take his advice. I asked Matthew to give me a ride.

"Where are we going? Is it a date?" he asked and winked.

My eyes narrowed at him. "Yes, a date at the cemetery."

"Wouldn't be my first choice," he said as we climbed into his car.

Like I would with any other argument, I stomped over to Riley's grave as soon as Matthew parked next to the entrance gate. I yelled at the stone until I felt better. It stared back at me and didn't answer.

I was mad but I loved her. I felt betrayed but I loved her. I wished she hadn't lied yet I still loved her. And ultimately, I knew she loved me too, and that dominated all the negative feelings I felt.

She was the heaviest chapter in my book, but as unliftable as each page had seemed, I knew I was making progress. I still had many to wrestle with, but I had survived the beginning. The rest? I would figure it out one page at a time like Matthew said.

A/N: Thanks for reading!

Got too busy writing and casually forgot to sleep last night.

Welp, I guess I'll sleep when I'm done.

Is it me or are the emotion-heavy scenes easier to write than lighthearted ones?

-D.T. ➷