Lex and I explore each other for nearly an hour, or at least long enough for my body to start cramping in my angled position. We don't end up doing anything more than pseudo third base, but somehow, I end up feeling slimy. Wrong. Bad. My insides are weighed with my actions. It doesn't matter than I'm a single nineteen year old; I feel like I just committed a sin. A dirty, dirty sin.

I watch as Lex slides his shirt back over his shoulders, letting my eyes rest on his toned stomach before returning them to his face. He looks down at me with a semi-goofy grin lighting his features. It reminds me of an inexperienced teenage boy, beaming after his very first make out session. And somehow, that calms the anxiety in my body, makes me think that maybe he's just as awkward with sexual situations as I am.

"How far have you gone?" I ask, my voice lifting slightly at the end.

Lex's smile immediately collapses into itself, and I regret opening my mouth. The dirty, slimy sensation creeps back into my skin.

"You've had sex?" I ask. I feel myself cringe at the word sex, which is basically a clear indicator that I'm not mature enough to handle this conversation, let alone the actual act.

"Yeah," says Lex. His eyes fall to his shirt and his fingers find a loose thread at the waist.

"Oh," I say. I clear my throat, not once, but twice. I try to tell myself it shouldn't matter—it doesn't matter. But somehow, I feel inadequate, childish, unworthy.

When Lex doesn't say anything, I lower my attention to my feet. I'm still on the couch with my back slumped against the right arm rest.

"Well, I haven't," I say, flinching when my voice cracks. He probably thinks I'm going to cry...am I going to cry? I certainly feel like I could. Vivid images of Lex lying on top of some beautiful, curvy girl stains my mind, refusing to disappear even with my eyes open.

"That's okay," says Lex quickly. "I kind of assumed that."

His words rattle my body, hard enough that I'm worried my organs will pop out. He assumed that? What the hell does that mean?

"No, no, not like that," says Lex, as if reading my thoughts. "I mean, you just seem so innocent. In a good way. Not that it'd be bad if you weren't."

Lex scratches his neck, the blush coming through his dark cheeks.

"Have you slept with a lot of people?" I ask. I can feel my throat closing around my words, but I try to keep talking anyway. "I mean, like more than ten or twenty? I'm not trying to be jealous..."

"Addie," says Lex. He crouches next to me and wipes his thumb across my cheek. It isn't until then that I realize I am crying. What a pathetic freak. Who cries because the guy they're kind-of, sort-of seeing has had sex? Only pathetic freaks, that's who.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I promise I'm not trying to be this weird. It must be my medication. I probably need to take some..."

"Addie," says Lex. "Breathe."

I take a deep, unsteady breath through my teeth, keeping my eyes trained on my bare feet. A quick pang stems through my chest, hopefully nothing more than a lingering side effect from last night's attack. I close my eyes and continue breathing steadily through my nose. When I open my eyes, Lex is staring at me with a slightly crinkled gaze.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"You're fine," says Lex. He shifts closer and lowers his voice, his face morphing into an uncomfortable mask. "I've slept with two people. That's not too bad, is it?"

It shouldn't matter that he's had sex, and yet, this simple number makes me feel better and worse in the same moment. Better because it's only two people. It's not like he's slept with every girl on campus (I know, I know...I shouldn't care if he has, but I do). But it makes me feel worse because two is a very real number. Two means two beautiful girls, probably with beautiful curves and natural smiles. Probably girls who don't have mental disorders or anxiety attacks.

"Is that terrible?" asks Lex. I've never seen him look so uncomfortable, and a pinch of guilt twitches at my side.

"That's not terrible at all," I finally manage. "It doesn't matter how many people you've slept with."

"But it does," says Lex. "It matters to you."

"Two is a good number," I say with a bob of my head. "I'm really, truly sorry for freaking out."

"That's okay," says Lex. He shifts onto the balls of his feet, bringing him closer toward my face. "You don't have to apologize. And you don't have to worry about anything. We'll never do anything more than you're comfortable with. If you want to stop, just say so, okay?"

"So this is going to happen again?" I ask, my lips tugging upward.

"God, I hope so," says Lex. He suddenly leans forward and presses his lips against mine, holding me for a long moment in an innocent kiss.

When he pulls away, I glance at the clock. "It's late."

"Yeah," says Lex. He returns to his feet and takes an uncertain step toward the door. "I should probably go."

"Okay," I say. I re-situate on the couch, crossing my legs beneath me. "I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"Perfect," says Lex with a nod. Without turning, he pops open the door and steps through the doorway backwards. I catch a glimpse of an undeniably curious Rebecca behind him, but then the door closes.

"Goodnight," I say, even though he's already gone.

I hug my arms around my stomach and stare at the door. After sleeping for so long, I shouldn't feel tired, but I do. I want to go to bed and sleep for the next two days. Maybe it's because the guilt and shame still linger. Maybe it's because I know I wouldn't eat if I slept for two days straight.

A soft knock presses against my door. I fix my hair, self-conscious in case it's Lex returning, and then call for him to come in.

When the door opens, it's not Lex standing there, but rather Rebecca. She smiles at me with an impish grin and sneaks forward, muffling laughter.

"Oh my God," she says. "I take it you're feeling better?"

"Feeling—oh right," I say. The panic attack feels like it happened days ago, not mere hours. "Yeah, I do feel a lot better."

"Was that all just a ruse to get some alone time with Lex?" asks Rebecca. She flops onto the floor and leans her back against my desk. "Because you could've just told me you wanted to make out with him. Or have sex with him. Or whatever it is you two were doing."

My cheeks burn into my skin.

"How'd you know?"

"How do you think?" counters Rebecca. "I could hear you. Nah, don't look embarrassed. I'm loud, too."

"Oh my gosh," I say, covering my face. I honestly don't remember uttering a single word during our make out. What if I was moaning or saying his name? Don't look embarrassed? More like mortified.

"Anyway," says Rebecca, casually stretching her legs across the room. "How far did you go?"

"We just made out," I say. My stomach growls but I only talk louder. "It was fun, but I feel so inexperienced."

"Most guys dig that," says Rebecca. "Like I said, you're totally Lex's type. He has a thing for virgins."

My heart shudders. She's making me sound like a collectable, something taken, used, and then disposed of. I wonder if that's how Lex thinks of me, too.

"You sure you just made out?" presses Rebecca.

"Yeah," I whisper. I can feel Rebecca's eyes boring into my face, but I'm too ashamed to look up.

"What's wrong?" asks Rebecca. "I said something wrong, didn't I?"

"No you didn't," I say. "I'm just thinking about things."

"Well for the record," says Rebecca. "I think you and Lex would make an uber cute couple. But I totally get if you want to stay single. I think college is better that way. Just my opinion though." She picks at her teeth before squinting at me. "As long as you're not thinking about going back to Wes."

"No, I'm not thinking that at all," I say, giving my head a rough shake. Then, I scratch my wrist. "Can you keep this between us though? I want to figure out what to do before I tell Lex anything."

"Of course," says Rebecca. She runs her fingers across her lips, mimicking a zipper.

"Thanks," I say, and before she can say something else, I climb up into bed. "Can you shut off the light? I think I might be getting sick again."

Rebecca says something, but I'm not listening anymore. I'm too busy feeling my hungry stomach and worrying about Lex and wondering if maybe I'm not ready to lose control just yet. 

A/N: Wow, I can't tell you how much I struggled with this chapter. Please excuse the poor quality of writing. I just needed to get it done and out of the way. Once I'm finished, I'll come back to fix it! Thanks for understanding :)