I return to the dorm with heavy legs, tired and exhausted from our hike. Rebecca and Elizabeth are nowhere to seen, but for once, I don't appreciate the silence. It allows me to hear my thoughts, and for the most part, they are terrible, horrible thoughts that make me want to do terrible, horrible things. I change out of my exercise clothes and into baggy pajamas—pajamas that have somehow gotten looser during my time here at UMT.

Then, without the ability to control myself, I wade down the hall to the bathroom. It, too, is empty, and the terrible, horrible thoughts grow louder. Suddenly, all I can see is my reflection, surrounded by masses of food. Sandwiches, grapes, calorie-ridden juice boxes. How much did I just eat?

I kick up the door stop and shut the bathroom door. There's no lock, but I place a trashcan in front of the door, as if that will prevent someone from entering. Then, I remove my shirt, leaving me alone in the bathroom with only a pair of thin shorts and a sports bra. My stomach bulges over the waist band of my shorts—or at least, it feels like they do. If I truly look at myself, I can see the thinness of my body. But there's still fat there, ugly ugly fat that will likely double tonight because of my gluttony.

My eyes start to water as I stare at my reflection. So hideous. So unworthy. I didn't deserve someone like Lex anyway, didn't truly stand a chance in the long run. It's better that I ended it now, easier.

I prod at my stomach, and then pinch a fold of fat between my fingers. It's dangerous: looking at myself, letting the voices get to me. I can already hear the Beast working its horrific thoughts and remarks into my skull, but I don't do anything to stop him. I let the voices grow louder and meaner, succumbing to every weakness that runs through my body. Until finally, I collapse under the strain of my downfalls.

I shove into a bathroom stall and do the one thing I promised I never would. I press a finger down my throat, hard enough that I start to gag, hard enough that my fingernail scrapes the back of my throat. It feels like ten minutes before I actually start vomiting, but once I do, I feel a sudden lightness in my body. The food swirls around the toilet, dying the water a murky brown.

Even with vomit on my chin, I smile. It's a triumphant moment, though it only lasts for half a second. I breathe slowly as the calories flush down the toilet, disappearing from my life once and for all.

But then, the guilt comes in. I feel disgusting, cheap. Like a cheater.

I grind my head between my hands, surpassing the urge to scream. It's already past one on a Saturday, but I know I have no choice but to go home. I can't be here in this toxic environment with thoughts of Lex and food surrounding me. I need a clean break—I really just need my mom.

With a final, violent breath, I push onto my feet and stumble from the stall. Luckily, the bathroom is still empty with the trashcan blockading the door. I snatch my shirt from the counter and rip it over my head as I roughly push the trashcan to the side and jog into the hallway.

I don't hesitate any more than that. Once I'm in my room, I start throwing a bag together, not even stopping to consider what to pack. I just toss things into the bag—shirts, pants, underwear. It never once occurs to me that I'll only be home for a day. I bring enough clothes to last a week. And then, without leaving a note or checking for Rebecca and Elizabeth, I run from my dorm to the nearest bus stop.