21: The truth.

Inevitably Jeongin had to go back to the banquet, no matter how much Jisung wanted to bask in his company. He was the host, after all, and it would not do any good to disappear entirely after the embarrassing little show they'd put up publicly.

So after they'd drank some tea, with Jisung reliving the past few months in slight exaggeration and theatrical flair, Jeongin had to excuse himself. Before he went, he put an affectionate hand over Jisung's cheek, his warm eyes holding a sad edge.

"Hyung, you need to forgive yourself," he said quietly.

Even though Jisung did not think he would be needing any more tears that day, he still squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.

Jeongin did not wait for him to respond, most likely because he was aware that Jisung couldn't. He was crying and was at a loss for words.

Then Jeongin withdrew, making it clear that they were expected to attend the banquet tomorrow and that Yongbok would follow Jisung if he even considered leaving before seeing Jeongin again.

Jisung promised.

Then he was alone with Minho.

Minho maintained his composure throughout the entire ordeal, handling the situation as coolly as if it were commonplace for your reality-travelling roommate's siblings from a different dimension to show up for an emotional reunion.

Minho had simply sat by him, nodding at the appropriate parts of his stories and shaking his head at others, when Jeongin looked at him for a reality check. He had not asked a single question, except to inquire about Jisung's well-being the first time.

Jisung wondered how someone could be so perfect.

He was so exhausted, so emotionally drained, that Minho's quiet, undemanding company was the only thing he could stand.

"Minho, let's have some more tea," he said.

"Mn," was the obedient response, as usual. Making space for Jisung was something Minho was really good at, allowing space for all the deep emotions he was unable to express.

So Minho had a servant get them more tea, and they sat down in an unusual silence that for once Jisung could not fill with words. Minho didn't ask, didn't pressure him. Just sipped his tea with his usual solemnity, only every now and then glancing at Jisung's way.

In the night Jisung was thoroughly ready for unconsciousness to take over and make the pounding in his head quiet down for a while. He pressed his face onto the too-soft pillow, half-smothering himself.

The party was probably still going on out there, but the sound insulation here was working miracles. Maybe it was all gold. Or the fact that the place was so massive that the banquet hall and their quarters were a fifteen minute walk away from each other.

He rolled in the sheets with growing frustration, guilt, grief and relief making a pained mess of attempts to drop asleep.

The memory of Jeongin's face had not faded in a year, but seeing it again brought light to the gaps in his recollection; the way his eyes narrowed in a foxy smile, the way his brows furrowed in worry over him.

Seeing him was a blessing that should not have been granted to Jisung. There was a version of Jeongin that was dead because of him, so how could he dare--

He wished he could've been that Jisung; the one that died to protect his family. The one that Jeongin missed, that Yongbok still loved. The silence of the room had started to press over his chest like someone had dropped a weight on it.

Jisung slipped out from between the sheets, not bothering to light up a candle. He stumbled his way to Minho's door in the dark.

He stood for a while, not sure what to do. Minho's sleeping schedule had been consistent throughout Jisung's stay here and the clock was definitely over nine, but he knocked anyway.

The answer came immediately. It happened so quickly that Minho could not have merely woken up.

"Jisung?"

He went in. His eyes had gotten used to the lack of light by now, able to see the shape of Minho on his bed, up on his elbows. Jisung could not tell his expression, but the sound of concern was evident in his voice.

"Can I sleep next to you?" Jisung asked before he lost the nerve.

Minho, for his part, did not let out a sound. His figure was still half-up, turned to the door, where Jisung waited with terrible uncertainty. He recalled all the times he'd slept next to Felix, crawling to his bed to get away from the nightmares since Felix was a big hugger.

Finally, after a moment that felt like an eternity, Minho nodded.

Jisung wasted no time in taking up the space Minho made for him on the bed. The man pulled back to the other side of the mattress, holding up the blanket for Jisung. It felt warmer there. Safer.

Instead of spreading his limbs out like he would in his own bed, Jisung turned over onto his side, facing Minho. Who was looking at him, expression unreadable, lying on his back with head turned to Jisung. He looked strange without his hair tied up. Too much free space on his handsome face was taken up by his loose hair and Jisung, without thinking, removed the hair gently from his face; immediately taking back the hand when he realised his actions.

Jisung knew the other was out of his comfort zone. There was only a slight space between them, Minho holding himself away and stiff like he was terrified of any more passing contact. Minho didn't like people touching him, Jisung remembered. He shrunk a little into himself.

But Minho had let him, so he wouldn't leave. Not now, when the silence didn't feel crushing anymore. He listened to the quiet breathing, and looked at what could be seen of Minho's features in the dimness of the room.

"Minho... " Jisung said softly into the quiet, and Minho blinked. "Can I tell you something?"

Minho nodded. It took him a moment to gather his thoughts. The words and the courage as well.

"I...my roommate, Yeji, you remember her?" Minho nodded.

"We became friends a few years ago. Went to the same party, and she was the most unapproachable person there, and you know how I am. She was very...mean, and sarcastic, and rough around the edges, and maybe that's why I thought she was so fun. She became my friend."

Jisung's mouth felt dry, but he carried on. "She and her brother, who I later got to know was my best friend, had no parents, either, and the family they had was awful. They were just bad people. The kind that had you doing stuff that wasn't legal and definitely wasn't safe. However, Yeji and Hyunjin were not dealt favourable cards in life. And I thought--"

He took a deep breath,"I thought they were like me or, I was like them. I would've been if I wasn't adopted. My foster mother... she didn't like me, but I always had food and shelter and clothes. And so I couldn't help feeling like, maybe, in another situation, it could've been me."

"So, at one point, Yeji called me, and she was crying. Hyunjin was, I think he owed some money, or if he didn't, the goons just wanted a certain amount for the kindness of not killing... I took out my college fund, a large sum of money for the expenses of student life. She had one for each of us, even me. So I paid what the goons wanted, but Hyunjin was barely breathing at that point, but he was alive. I can't... how could I regret that? He was in the hospital for two months."

Minho was listening without an interruption, golden eyes holding his gaze with an expression Jisung could not decipher correctly, it might have been sadness.

"That left me with no money to pay the rent and a fear that my friends could be beaten to death at any moment, or... worse. And I am mixed up in it now, too. The guy, the one among the goons, knew who I was... knew my name. So Yeji knew we couldn't stay there. We moved to Seoul, after getting kicked out. I transferred to a business school there, and Felix and Jeongin could not understand why I..."

"You did not tell them," Minho asked, in a flat tone void of judgement.

"Jeongin would have understood," Jisung said. He'd known it, even back then. "But then again... you know, in our childhood, I didn't really think I was being treated unfairly. But I thought the way they treated Jeongin was cruel. His parents. I don't think his dad liked him and if I say about mother, she was harsh with me but she was doubly more with Jeongin, because he was supposed to be better than me. And so, Jeongin and I had to have each other's backs."

"When we were deciding on career paths, Jeongin's path was already set. And what right did I have if he was not allowed to choose? I wanted to have his back in this, too. I wanted to help him with my business degree at the stupid family company, and even if the work was bad, I could at least repay some of what I would have been given."

Jisung thought about the terror in Yeji's voice. Thought about Dooyoung sneering at him when he took the money and thought about the way Hyunjin's whole face was almost completely swollen shut.

You're that charity case kid, right?

"They didn't get why I was trying to keep my distance. Felix especially. He yelled at me for switching schools, relocating with only a week's notice, and then never finding the time to take a plane to visit them. But I didn't have the time, I had to... I was overworked, you know? I was working at night and studying by day. I was doing only so-so at school because I hated my major."

"I go home for the holidays, to see Jeongin and Felix and have the one mandatory dinner per year with my foster family. I don't know how she knew that I had emptied out the fund. She demanded to know what I had done with the money, and I couldn't tell, and so she started throwing out all kinds of speculation, and Jeongin and Felix were trying to get in between, but Felix was looking at me with this betrayed look, because we were supposed to..."

He had thought there would be no tears left in him, but somehow he could feel his eyes were glossy, ready to spill over.

"I ran... only grabbed my phone and my wallet, and then just... ran to the train station. I needed to get out of there, just clear my head before I could, before I'd have the story straight for her. So I went to the train station, and then Jeongin called."

Hyung, where are you? Let me pick you up.

No need, Jeongin. I don't think I should come back.

I will pick you up.

I'm already at the station, okay? Please don't worry. I'll call you tomorrow.

Hyunh, don't--

He'd hung up on him. The pillow felt wet under his cheek. Minho's gaze was so very soft on him.

"He said he would pick me up, but I said he shouldn't, that I would go and call him tomorrow. And then I-- then I left. I turned off my phone at my Seoul apartment to prevent Felix and Jeongin from calling me... Minho, that was... that was the last time I talked to my Jeongin."

"Jisung," Minho said, and his eyes were so sorrowful Jisung couldn't see his gaze anymore. He closed his eyes, the guilt hitting him like a wave. He felt so... why hadn't he stayed... explained? Why had he run? Why had he not forced Jeongin to swear that he would not bother following him?

"Felix finally caught me in the morning, and he... he told me. Jeongin was hit by someone who ran a red light, and by the time the ambulance arrived, he had already passed away. That there was nothing to be done."

He breathed in the sandalwood scent. He used to believe that the lotus flowers in Jeongin's perfume were the most calming smell. Minho had proven an exception to that as well.

"Jisung, it was not your fault."

"He wouldn't have been outside if it weren't for me," Jisung replied, he felt so small. "I wouldn't have run out if it weren't for a fight that I caused. No matter how you look at it, it's obvious that--"

"Jisung," Minho cut in, and Jisung's mouth snapped shut. It was against the rules to interrupt, but Minho didn't seem to care. "It was not your fault."

Why did everything Minho said sound so sincere? Was it simply because Minho had never lied? But this must've been a lie, or Minho must not have understood, because it--

He took in a ragged breath, drops of saltwater all over his face. Could he be blamed for wanting to hear those words said in Minho's low voice, to hear the best person apologise for his actions?

That he had been looking for someone like Minho, someone who was moral, upright, and just, only to find Jisung faultless? He may have been aching for the kindness of someone decent who could rid him of the guilt since it had taken root in his body and become a part of who he was.

Jeongin had also expressed the sentiment that it was not his fault, but why does it not have the same impact as Minho's words?

"Minho..." Jisung sniffled.

"Jisung. You were a child. You were entitled to having your basic needs met. You owed your family nothing but the love they had given you." Minho sounded so serious, so insistent that it burned under Jisung's ribs.

He pressed his face deeper into the pillow, drying the wetness on his cheek. Not daring to look at the golden eyes, because they were surely burning.

"You have sacrificed so much for others. Is Jisung not deserving of happiness, same as everyone else?" Minho asked, voice low, quiet and heavy.

Jisung shivered. "Minho..."

Minho breathed out, a low sound of an exhale. Then the blanket was pulled tighter up over Jisung's body. "Sleep. Tomorrow you will see your siblings again."

Jisung nodded, heart just a little bit lighter, as he curled deeper into the sheets. Sleep came quicker and easier than it had in a long time.