Sam was beyond grateful for the existence of Jerry.

When he'd reached home, his brother was already there and had briefed their parents on what had happened, completed with a very firm request to leave him alone.

So Maxi recieved Sam with open arms and wet eyes, but didn't ask anything. Freider, who was surprisingly home for once, scoffed and shook his moustache, but didn't say anything either.

He didn't have to. The echo of a giant 'I told you so' made it's way into Sam's head all the same. And at that moment, he seriously considered that Freider might have been right after all.

Who wanted all this pain? The feeling that someone had torn his heart in half and fed it to the wolves?

And yet home was a little comforting. It became much easier to ignore the four years that had passed since his life went completely crazy. For a brief second he contemplated what it would have been like if Herrison had never approached him.

Christine wasn't tied to that. She would still have been there. The fact that she'd entered his life the same day as Herrison was just a coincidence. The only ones who probably wouldn't be there anymore would be Kyle, Jimmy and Tom.

Kyle would've left to find Kay and Jimmy and Tom would probably still be in Arizona, trying to make a living. The thought depressed Sam even more so he returned to pretending he was sixteen again. Which implied he'd be returning to his old bedroom, the one in the storage room next to the kitchen that was supposed to serve as a pantry.

Fortunately, his parents hadn't moved anything. His old bed was still there together with his desk and his school things from before he turned eighteen and his life changed forever.

Sam ran his hand across the dusty desk, his eyes stinging and his chin trembling. Everything looked so much smaller. But if he forced himself enough, he could pretend. Pretend he had homework, or that he was on holiday. The sun outside could justify it.

He sat at his desk and opened the rollbox under it. There were still so many books there. He took out a history encyclopedia and opened it at random. The pages fell to the sides reveling a picture of a pyramid lost amidst the jungle vegetation. This book was the one he'd picked up when he and Jerry were attacked by Snitch Gravel for the first time.

The thought tied his stomach into a knot. Yes, there was Snitch Gravel, but it was so easy to forget about him when a more pressing pain had taken over.

Just another day and you'll be out of here and on your way to somewhere you've never been. Somewhere Christine has never been.

Thank God she'd never set foot in that room either. It made the air a little easier to breathe.

He got up from the desk and plummeted on his bed, his eyes lost on the ceiling. He still had florescent stars glued to it to create real life constellations. They'd had a lot of fun putting them up one afternoon, him and Freider, while Jerry judged their placement of the stars and gave them indications.

The memory brought a sad smile to Sam's face. He had so many happy childhood memories that had been tainted by everything that happened in recent years.

Secrets and lies. That was all his life seemed to be made out of. He needed sleep. Being exhausted wasn't helping his mood at all. So he closed his eyes, ready to face whatever horrors dwelled within.

Nothing but darkness. But his mind wouldn't shut down, let him rest. His eyes stung and yet the bliss of numbness wouldn't come to him. He couldn't sleep. Even if he'd only slept three hours the previous night, his damn mind wouldn't let him sleep.

Come on. Just get bored of darkness already.

As if to spite him, the darkness turned into Christine's smiling face. His brain chose a happy memory, one of when he'd asked her if she wanted to move in with him.

It had been one of the few occasion when he'd taken the lead. The question had come with no prodding or hints from her. She'd been shocked and then so genuinely happy, Sam had been convinced they'd grow old together, happily ever after.

But happily ever after was never the end. Just the beginning of nightmares.

Sam groaned, but it didn't help. He was so out of it, he couldn't even control his own mind. And as much as he didn't want to think about Christine, he couldn't help it. Anything was better than this.

So he got up and exited the room. There was one thing he was sure would take his mind off this. A nice chat with his father.

As expected, he found Freider in his home office. Sam had no idea what the occasion was, but he was once again well groomed and looking a lot more like his old not-Snitch-Gravel-hunting self. The time spent wherever he was going had still left its mark on him. His brown hair had white streaks going through it in irregular places, and his look was more guarded, more feral, like a domesticated animal's left out in the wild for too long.

Even if his relationship with his father had taken a definite nosedive, Sam couldn't help but admire Freider for not dying over the years, for not getting caught with whatever he was doing. His exploits didn't seem to have a result other than screwing up their stakeouts, but being alive was an achievement all in itself.

Freider lifted his eyes from his papers as Sam contemplated wrestling them from his grip and reading them himself. But he was too out of it to be successful.

"Paying the bills?" he asked instead, staying in the threshold. He didn't want to go fully in for some reason.

"Sam, you look exhausted," Freider said. "You should sleep."

"I can't sleep."

His father's eyes darkened, as if he held some secret grudge against Christine as well. "How does it feel?" he whispered.

Sam flinched. "Bad. Painful."

"Enraging?" Freider whispered again.

Sam pondered on the answer. Even if his rage was mostly gone, it was still right beneath the surface, waiting for the smallest trigger to come out again. "I guess."

Freider shook his head. "Do you see now? You kept calling me old fashioned or senseless when all I've been trying to do was make sure you avoided this."

There it was. The I told you so speech. Except Sam couldn't interrupt his father because he'd just been proven right.

"Girlfriends like yours stir great passions in men. Yes, I said men. Because it won't be only you. It never is only you. And, inevitably, it comes to this. Realization, misery. Rage." Freider shook his head. "I wanted better for you."

"This can't apply to every girl," Sam said just for the need to logic his way out of everything.

"It doesn't. Just to yours. And by yours I mean Christine as much as the other three. At least Jerry was smart enough to get away. Because it's only a matter of time, Sam." Freider heaved a giant sigh and put his papers away. "Only a matter of time before they break them, too."

Was it? Somewhere deep down, Sam knew Freider was right and that any potential breakup between his brothers and their girlfriends would result in massive amounts of suffering. But it didn't have to happen.

"Jessie, Angie and Kay are different," he whispered. "They really love my brothers."

Freider raised his eyebrows. "Wasn't Christine different, too? Weren't you so sure she loved you?"

Sam had no answer to that. It was hard to explain the subtle nuance that made him sure Angie, Jessie and Kay would never do what Christine did, but maybe he was wrong in the first place. He really had thought Christine loved him and he'd never dreamed she'd do something like that to him.

Together forever? That hadn't been as certain, but he'd always thought they'd fight and break up if it ever came to it. Not that one of them would dump the other. Not that he would dump her for cheating.

The thought made him cringe and he leaned his forearm against the door frame for support. The rage was back, smothering him. He needed to focus on something else.

"What have you been up to?"

Freider shook his head. "The terms haven't changed, Sam. If you're not going to trust me, I'm not going to share anything with you. And given your current state, I wouldn't do it even if you changed your mind about it. I know you. I know you need a distraction and I know you'd seek it in something dangerous. Don't you think you've had enough?"

Yes, he did. He'd had enough to last him a couple of lifetimes at least. But he never had a choice. As much as he fooled himself he did, Sam had always been practically dragged into everything. Lured into it with candy, like some unsuspecting four-year-old.

First into the Agency, then into the feud with Snitch Gravel, and into his relationship witch Christine... He'd never felt more powerless in his life. He'd fooled himself that he had control, but he never did. Not even over his stupid body which refused to shut down and rest.

"Thanks, Dad," he mumbled and turned away. He needed a better distraction than this.

It was hard to find. Sam spent his entire day wondering around the house like a moping ghost, trying to find something to do with himself. He packed his bags and secured his plane ticket and couldn't wait for the next day when he'd finally leave and maybe get distracted by new places and new people.

Jerry tried to help, but his brother had changed so much over the years, Sam actually found him a constant reminder that he wasn't a time lord and was still stuck in the miserable present in which he'd lost both his girlfriend and his best friend in one shot.

Then he started obsessing over how long it had been going on. Ever since Sam had introduced them without knowing they already knew each other, Christine and Harry had been at war.

Sam had stupidly believed Harry's claims that it was somehow over Lisa, that Harry had always wanted Sam to end up with her and his relationship with Christine was an insult to Lisa.

Bullshit. He was just jealous Christine had moved on. And she... Sam couldn't figure her out even if he tried. But he did remember his senior year, when he'd thought Tom died and he'd passed out in the school bathroom. Christine and Harry had both been there when he woke up. He'd just found it weird at the time. But what if... His throat clogged at the thought and it became increasingly harder to breathe, but what if it had been going on since then?

Impossible. Christine and Harry couldn't have smiled in his face for years if they'd been getting it on behind his back. At least he forced himself to believe it. Plus Harry said something about it happening at some party when Sam was gone, and even if he didn't like to believe anything coming out of Harry's mouth, he'd rather believe that.

The obsession didn't go away. Jerry's suggestion that he read something mindnumbingly boring to fall asleep didn't work either, so he did the only thing left.

"Sam?" Jerry turned on all the lights in the home gym, making Sam's eyes sting. "It's four thirty in the morning. What are you...?" He probably realized that his question was stupid because he stopped.

Sam couldn't hear him very well anyway. The pulse in his ears muffled all sound and his entire body felt like it was filled with wet cotton. Yet, he presses on and years of training were showing off. He was still on his feet, still running.

Jerry moved into Sam's line of sight, his hair messy and wearing sweats and a t-shirt. He looked so much like Jimmy at the moment. Even more so when he frowned at the display of the treadmill, doing some very obvious math.

"Enough." He jammed the cooldown button.

The treadmill slowed down, but Sam didn't. He smacked his chest against the display, fell over and rolled off the thing and onto the floor.

"Gee, thanks, I needed that," he mumbled.

"Can you even feel your legs anymore?" Jerry chided.

It would've been comforting had Jerry's tone not been serious and deadly. Not the old one he used for inconsequential things. Probably because this wasn't inconsequential. And no, as a matter of fact, Sam couldn't feel his legs. He couldn't feel much anymore. Except for that annoying stab in his chest that just wouldn't go away.

"I just want to pass out. Exhaust myself," he mumbled.

Jerry's features softened. "I understand, trust me I do, but this won't help. You need something for your mind not your body."

"Look, I know you went through a break up too, but at least then you decided to break it off because it wasn't working."

Jerry sighed and crouched next to Sam. "It wasn't working because Tina was in love with Kyle."

Sam froze, sure his fuzzy hearing was acting up. "What?"

"And the second time, I broke it off because I realized that, even if she wasn't in love with Kyle anymore, it was because she projected her expectations of him on me. Kyle and I are two very different people and I wasn't going to turn into him just to please her." He sighed and it was obvious the memory still hurt him even if it had been two years. "In Tom's eyes, that might even be considered cheating."

Sam wanted to ask him why he never mentioned it before, but the answer was plain. It was none of his business and he really didn't want to know.

"So I know you're hurting, that you need a distraction, but don't ruin your health. I bet she's not losing any sleep over this."

"I know," Sam whispered. "I'm not doing this to punish myself. I literally can't sleep."

"Have you tried any pills?"

"No. Where would I get some?"

Jerry bit his lip, obviously not already having an answer. "Yeah, taking sleeping pills without a prescription is probably a bad idea."

"Sounding like Jerry again." Sam heaved himself to his feet and almost toppled over again. Half of him felt like he was still running. "How long until morning?"

"Not long." Jerry stood, too. "Let's go upstairs. We can discuss childhood memories or make a list of your preschool class or something to keep your focus elsewhere."

Sam nodded and followed Jerry up the stairs, his mind already heading down that path, but it didn't help much. The image if Christine and Harry kissing seemed to be a constant that joined every other thought. How could it be so clear? How could the pain still he so annoyingly powerful? Time was supposed to make things better.

It had only been a day.

The longest day in his life. He hoped going to Texas would distract him enough, because he wasn't sure how much more he could take without going crazy.

♠️♠️♠️

I'm strangely pleased with how this section turned out. Not sure why because it's not like anything super special happens.

Anyway, yeah, Sam is down in the dumps and we get to see more time changes. What do you think about Freider? Does all his opposition to girlfriends finally makes sense? Because he's not full of it. This is exactly what he wanted to avoid 😅

Hoping for a new update soon. I just know a couple of people who this would really make happy 😊

Vote and comment for support!

Also have super secret surprise I'm not revealing yet but I'm so excited because reasons! Stay tuned!