(Episode starts at the computer.)

Rigby: Mordecai! Mordecai! Oh, there you are. You want half of this grilled cheese?

Mordecai: Whoa! Is that a Grilled Cheese Deluxe from Cheezer's?

Rigby: Yes, it is.

Mordecai: Then, yes.

(They eat the sandwiches)

Mordecai: How did you manage this?

Rigby: I bought it. With money.

Mordecai: Nice! Hey, you know what would go good with these sandwiches? Funny internet videos! Dude, check this out. (Begins typing in name on the keyboard)

Rigby: No, wait! I know a really good one. (Types on the keyboard)

Mordecai: No, man! You're just gonna pull up that ostrich thing with the balls again.

Rigby: No, I'm not.

Mordecai: You're typing it in! I see it!

Rigby: Dude, don't look! You're gonna ruin it!

Mordecai: Fine. It better not be that ostrich thing with the balls. Ready yet?

Rigby: It's loading. Okay... Now!

(Mordecai un-covers his eyes to see a video about an ostrich playing baseball while an old man watches it.)

Woman: (In video, off-screen) Don't get too close now, Pa!

(The ostrich hits a baseball off the tee, pecks the old man in the groin, and raises its wings. Rigby laughs.)

Mordecai: Man, it's that ostrich thing with the balls! Why do you gotta lie to me, dude?

Rigby: 'Cause lying's my specialty.

(Benson comes in very angry.)

Benson: What are you doing with my sandwich?!

Mordecai: What?

Rigby: Don't worry. I'll take care of this with my specialty. This isn't your sandwich. This is our sandwich.

Benson: This is your sandwich, huh? Then how come it says "Lorelai" on the bag?

Rigby: Huh? That's because Rory bought it for me

Benson: STOP LYING! I asked Rory to buy me that sandwich as a favor because her brother is a general manager at Cheezer's.

Rigby: (Trails off) Wait, Rory has a brother?

Mordecai: Dude, I thought you said you bought this!

Benson: No, he didn't buy it! Now get off your lazy butts and go get me another GRILLED CHEESE DELUXE!!! (Slams the door shut)

Mordecai: Argh! You ruined our day off!

Rigby: Ah, don't worry, dude. The line won't be that long. All we have to do is to convince Rory to get us the grilled cheese so we don't have to wait in line.

(Scene changes to Lorelai who was in her room playing with her guitar and writing music in her notebook.)

Lorelai: ♫ So if it takes forever ♫ 

♫ We'll save the world together ♫

♫We were born ready ♫

♫ We were born ready, yeah, yeah, yeah ♫

(Mordecai and Rigby enter the room) 

Mordecai: Hey Rory, we need a favor. Can you take us to Cheezers?

Lorelai: (Not looking up from her notebook.) What did you idiots do now?

Mordecai: Rigby lied and we ate Benson's sandwich and now we have to get a new one.

Lorelai: (Sighs) Of course it would be Rigby's fault.

Rigby: It wasn't my fau-Ow! (He gets punched by Mordecai before he can lie)

Lorelai: (Sighs) Fine, but you owe me for this.

(Scene goes to Cheezer's. The line is extremely long.)

Lorelai: Thanks for saving the day with your specialty, you idiot.

Rigby: Whatever. Like you could do any better.

Mordecai: Pfff. Rory and I are a better liar than you are.

Rigby: Oh, really? The only thing you two are better than me at is being a big piece of-

(Mordecai and Lorelai punch Rigby in the stomach. Meanwhile two astronauts in blue jackets, Barry & Jones, go around the line and enter the restaurant.)

Mordecai: Hey! Argh! What the...? Those pork loins are cutting! Argh!

Fat woman: Excuse me! Those fine men are astronauts! They can cut in line. They fought for our country!

Lorelai: She's right. When I worked here with my brother they used to cut in line all the time.

Rigby: (Rises off the ground and gasps) Alright guys, here's your chance to prove you're a better liar than me. Or maybe you can't? Look at your faces. (Touches Lorelai and Mordecai's face all around as they slowly get mad) It must really eat you both up inside to not be able to prove you're a better liar than me. Cause you guys can't prove nothing. You, Two, Can't, Prove, Anything!

Mordecai: (Slaps away Rigby's hand and picks him up) Fine! You want me to prove I'm a better liar than you? Why wouldn't we see who is better in lying? Whoever gets caught first loses.

Rigby: Okay. It's not like you're ever gonna lie better than thi-i-is...

(Mordecai drops Rigby.)

Mordecai: Ahem, excuse me, Miss.

Fat woman: What?

Mordecai: We're astronauts. (They enter the Cheezer's, cutting in line.) Bam! I told you I'm a better liar than you!

Lorelai: (shakes her head.) You guys really shouldn't be doing this.

Rigby: Woah, woah, woah! Step aside. I'll show you how a real man lies. (Approaches a counter) Hey, sir. Give me a Grilled Cheese Deluxe and make it snappy, 'cause we're astronauts and we gotta get back up in space. Know what I'm sayin'?

Cheezer's Cashier Boy: Oh, my. (then notices Lorelai and clears his throat) Hi Rory it's good to see you again. Gasps, Are you an astronaut now?

Lorelai: Oh hey Mick.... it's been a while and to answer your question.... it's a long story.

Cheezer Cashier Boy: (Speaks using a loudspeaker) One Grilled Cheese Deluxe for the astronauts and one for Rory as well. (The announcement gets the real astronauts' curiosity.)

Rigby: Bam! That's a moon quarter. (Points to a quarter)

Cheezer's Cashier: Oh! (Takes the money)

Rigby: Hmm, hmm. See?

Mordecai: Dude, that was lame.

(Mordecai turns to Rory.)

Mordecai: You know that guy?

Lorelai: (Rubs her neck) Yeah, we used to date before he got with my brother.

Rigby: Ha! Ha! Your brother is dating your ex! That's so hilarious!

(Lorelai punches Rigby in the stomach.)

Lorelai: Shut up, you stupid raccoon!

Rigby: Don't call me a raccoon!

Lorelai: I'm sorry, I took it too far. I meant trash panda.

Rigby: (Turns to Mordecai) Is that better?

Mordecai: (Shrugs) I don't know.

Lorelai: (Whispers) It's worse. It's so much worse.

Rigby: (Gets angry) Why you little  –

Cheezer's Cashier: Excuse me, sir. Your Grilled Cheese is ready.

Mordecai: Thanks. We gotta get this back to our astronaut captain. Know what I'm sayin'? Hmm! Hmm!

Cheezer's Cashier: Oh, is that your astronaut captain over there?

Mordecai: Huh? (Sees Rigby talking with Barry & Jones) ARGHHHH!!! (Comes up to them)

Rigby: This is the guy.

Jones: (Very indignant) You're the guy?

Mordecai: I'm...

Rigby: Hmm, hmm!

Mordecai: (Unsure) I'm the guy...

Jones: (Suddenly, Jones turns very excited. He is about to shake Mordecai's hand.) Well! It's an honor to meet you, captain. Lieutenant Riggs here has told us a lot about you. (He then turns to Lorelai.) Are you an astronaut too?

Lorelai: (Tries to come up with a lie and then smiles.) No, no, but I was thinking of becoming an astronaut and these guys were just showing me about what it means to be an astronaut. Isn't that right, Captain Mordecai and Lieutenant Rigby?

Mordecai and Rigby: Uhhh, yeah.

Barry: Yeah, it's great to meet a couple of real fellow astronauts.

Jones: So, what are you guys doing in this dump hole, anyways?

Rigby: Ah, you know. We're just pickin' up a Grilled Cheese for our commanding officer.

Barry: Ha-ha! I hear that.

Mordecai: Ha, yeah. We were just getting ready to take it back to the compound.

Jones: Compound? We were just getting ready to go there ourselves. Wanna lift?

Lorelai: (Shrugs) I don't see why not. We got a whole day anyways anyways.

Mordecai: Uh, sure. We'll take a ride to the compound.

Jones: Come to think of it, why haven't we seen you around the compound before...?

Rigby: We've just got back from a 10-year stand in the old shuttlecraft. Isn't that right, Captain Mordecai?

Mordecai: Yeah. And we've just transferred here. It's our first day.

Jones: Well, welcome! We'll be glad to show you around. Now, I hope you're up to spend a 2.5 million dollars of taxpayers' money, 'cause we're drivin'.

(They use a kind of an Apollo-like spaceship as their vehicle and simply cross the street because the compound is located right opposite of the Cheezer's.)

Jones: Gentlemen, welcome to the compound! ('Compound' echos)

Rigby: Oh, uh, I forgot my ID in my other pants. Can you help me out, guys?

Lorelai: (Sighs) Of course you would lose the ID's you idiot!

Mordecai: Oh, what? That was my ID! I told you not to lose it!

Jones: Guys, guys, calm down. You can use our IDs. (They pass the checkpoint.) Here. You, guys might be more comfortable in these. (Passes them jackets and turns to Lorelei.) Here Kid, you might as well feel what it's like to wear one if you want to become an Astronaut in the future.

Lorelai: (Smiles) Thank you.

Rigby: Ah, thanks. Yeah, I love these things, but Captain Mordecai might not be that into 'em. Don't you like the uniforms in pink?

Jones: Pink?

Mordecai: I only had to borrow a pair that one time from... (Notices an employee list on the wall and quickly picks up a random name) Dr. Asinoskovich. That one time.

Jones: Ah, you know Dr. Asinoskovich? That's funny. Because she's right here. (Points at a woman standing with her back towards them)

Dr. Asinoskovich: (Turns around and speaks with a Russian accent) I don't remember you.

Mordecai: Really? Uh... It was one time at that conference. You don't remember me?

Dr. Asinoskovich: Uh... I don't remember very much from that conference. I... have to go! (Runs away very quickly)

Jones: Wow! That was awkward. Ah, come on. We'll give you the grand tour.

Mordecai: Dude, you should quit right now.

Lorelai: Yeah, he's right. You're totally gonna get caught.

Rigby: Hmm, hmm. We'll see.

(Lies by Thompson Twins is being played while the astronauts are showing Mordecai, Lorelai, and Rigby around.)

(Mordecai, Lorelai, and Rigby wash their hands in the bathroom.)

Rigby: Man, I don't think you can last much longer. I think you two should give it up.

Mordecai: They're not onto me.

Lorelai: And why would I give up when they're not onto me either.

Rigby: Then I guess it's time that I start lying at one hundred percent. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?!

Jones: And what tour would be complete without a stop at the pride of our compound --- the antimatter chamber. (Slaps some clerk on his back) How is she running today, Jimmy?

Jimmy: Well, actually, sir... There've been some problems maintaining safe levels of-

Jones: (Slaps Jimmy again, causing Jimmy to drop his clipboard right onto a green button, pushing it) That's fate. I don't understand a half of that these science types say.

Rigby: Oh, that's too bad. Captain here's an expert on it.

Jones: You're an expert on antimatter?

Mordecai: Uh... Yeah... Uh... But not compared to how much this guy knows. (Points to Rigby)

Lorelai: It's really fascinating, I don't understand half the things they say when it comes to this stuff. It's almost as if they're making it up.

(An alert beeper sound grows stronger.)

Rigby: (Frustrated) Uh...

Mordecai: Did you know he wrote a book on it?

Rigby: We wrote a book on it.

Mordecai: Well, you did the most of the work on it.

Rigby: But your name's on the cover.

Mordecai: Yeah, right next yours.

Rigby: Above mine!

Jones: Jimmy, knock off that beepin'.

Jimmy: Yeah, actually, sir, I'm having trouble with-

Jones: Trouble? We-ell, these guys are experts! Can you lend a hand, fellas?

Rigby: Sure, we can. Go ahead, Captain.

Mordecai: (Approaches the control panel) Well, according to the book lieutenant Rigby wrote, you wanna turn that knob there.

(Jimmy follows the orders.)

Rigby: (Cuts in) But captain's own research really out-dates mine. So turn that knob over there.

Mordecai: But he's forgetting the recent discoveries he made. Flip those switches.

Rigby: Discoveries based on his studies... Hit those buttons.

Mordecai: I never said hit those buttons!

Rigby: Yeah, Jimmy, you're not doing like Captain Mordecai said! You gotta do it like this! (Bumps over all the buttons)

(The anti-nucleus gets unstable. Pipes burst. Danger light bulbs explode.)

Lorelai: (Gets angry) You idiot, stop it before you make it worse!

Mordecai: Dude, quit! You're gonna break it!

Rigby: No, you're gonna break it!

Major Williams: What's all this commotion?

Jones: Major Williams? Sir! (Dusts off Mordecai and Rigby) We were just showing these new transfers and their friend around the compound, sir.

(A warning siren is heard.)

Jimmy: Captain Mordecai! Lieutenant Riggs! The antimatter is becoming unstable!

(Shows the antimatter wobbling in a mass.)

Jones: Captain Mordecai, Lieutenant Riggs. You can fix it, right?

Mordecai: Yes. Lieutenant Riggs can totally fix it.

Rigby: Not without captain's help!

Mordecai: And we're going to need our friend too!

Lorelai: (sighs) You idiots.

Jones: No time for modesty! (He opens the antimatter chamber door and shoves Mordecai and Rigby in there.)

Mordecai: Dude, this is all your fault.

Lorelai: It's both of your faults! I just wanted to enjoy my day off.

Rigby: What? You're the ones who won't admit that you suck at lying.

Mordecai & Lorelai: 'Cause we don't!

(The others watch Mordecai and Rigby argue through the window.)

Rigby: Why don't you give up and tell 'em what's going on so they can help us?

Mordecai: No, you do it.

Rigby: No way!

(Mordecai & Rigby turn to Lorelai.)

Lorelai: No, this is your fault. So, I'm not doing it.

(The antimatter shakes even more.)

Mordecai: Arghhh!! Fine.

Jones: What's the holdup?

Mordecai: Look. I have to tell you the truth. (Rigby nods.) Rory and I have a condition that makes us forget everything in times of extreme stress. (Rigby's mouth hangs open in shock.) 

Lorelai: And Lieutenant Riggs doesn't have that condition. He's just an idiot.

Rigby: Hey!

Mordecai: We need you tell us what to do.

Jones: Oh, my... Jimmy, what do we do?

Jimmy: They have to penetrate the anti-nucleus with something solid!

Jones: Right! Listen up! You have one chance at this thing. You have to throw Lieutenant Riggs or your friend into the anti-nucleus.

Rigby & Lorelai: WHAT?!?!

Jones: It's the only way. Captain Mordecai is too big for you to throw. You or Lorelai must sacrifice yourself to save thousands of lives, lieutenant!

Rigby: NO!! Don't listen to him, Mordecai! DON'T DO IT!!!!

Lorelai: Please reconsider this!

Jones: Do it! Throw them in! THROW THEM IN!!!

(Mordecai looks around, conflicted.)

Rigby: Please! No! No!

Jones: Throw one of them now! NOW!!!

Rigby: I'm sorry! I'm sorry for lying! You and Rory win, okay? I won't lie anymore!

Mordecai: It's too late, Rigby. I can't let everybody die because of us. (Mordecai lifts Rigby up over his head and is about to throw him in...)

Rigby: NO!!!!

(A zip sound is heard.)

Rigby: Huh? (Sees that his jacket is unzipped)

Mordecai: You thought I was gonna throw you in? I told you Rory and I are a better liar than you.

Lorelai: (Holds the grilled cheese bag in her hand)

Rigby: Benson's grilled cheese!

Mordecai: You better hope this works.

(Lorelai throws a bag with grilled cheese into the anti-nucleus. The anti-nucleus catches the bag with its energy field. Then it catches Rigby along with Lorelai...)

Lorelai: (Screams)

Rigby: Nyahh!

Mordecai: Rigby! Rory! Ahh!

(...and Mordecai as well. It twists, rips them up, and puts them back together, then explodes. It then throws them out, knocking over the chamber door. The triolook roasted enough. They groan and cough as they look up at the others.)

Rigby: We're not astronauts.

(Cut to the Park. Barry and Jones hurl Mordecai and Rigby out of a van. Rory walks out of the van)

Jones: If you ever lie about being astronauts again, YOU'RE DEAD!!!

Rigby: We saved the city, astro-

(The astronauts throw the Cheezer's bag in Rigby's face and drive away.)

(Benson is on the computer as they enter his room.)

Benson: Where have you been? I've been waiting all day.

(Mordecai gives Benson his Grilled Cheese Deluxe. It is totally burned.)

Benson: What the...? What happened to my sandwich?

Rigby: There were spacemen! At Cheezer's! And the tube... we went down and... everyone wore sweatpants... even us... and then the room with the bad stuff... but... we saved the city with your sandwich.

Benson: Ugh!... Why do you always have to lie to my face?

Lorelai: They ran it over by accident, sorry about that Benson.

(Pause)

Benson: See? Was it so hard to tell the truth?