Ifs and... Never Mind

by MrsCosmopilite

One of the happiest moments of my life was when I realized I was about to be abducted by aliens. I was lying on my back in a field that didn't belong to me, drunk and staring at the stars in despair. I know how it sounds, but it was November of 2016, and that kind of thing was happening to a lot of us. It was about three in the morning and I was almost out of gin when the circle of lights appeared above me. There was a beam of blinding light, and I felt myself being lifted from the ground.

"Thank you, oh intellectually superior alien beings!" I shouted as I rose slowly through the air. "Take me to the technological paradise from which you came, and let me partake of your intergalactic wisdom and learn where we primitive earthlings have gone wrong!" I thought about this for a moment. "Hell, I don't care if you probe me or keep me in a space zoo, as long as you get me out of here!"

I awoke in a circular chamber with gleaming white walls. The floor was gleaming white as well, and the light seemed to radiate gently from every surface; it looked like an operating theater designed by Apple. I was probably going to get probed, I realized, but there was comfort in the thought of making a contribution to alien science.

There was a satisfying swoosh noise, and an opening appeared in the wall. Two creatures glided towards me. They looked a lot like the stereotypical green alien you see on merchandise in head shops: big dark eyes, smooth neon skin, skinny bodies with disproportionately large crania.

"Greetings," I said. "I am honored to meet you, and to be allowed aboard your vessel. Might I ask what your purpose is in coming to our planet? Assuming, of course, that you aren't here to annihilate us or use us as a food source, I would be delighted to assist your endeavors in any way that I can."

"Dude," said the one on the left. "You use big words."

I stared at them for a moment, feeling suddenly very, very sober. It occurred to me that the aliens had probably learned English from our broadcasts, and had a skewed understanding of our language and culture. I tried again. "Why are you here?"
"Butts," said the one on the right. "Earth is, like, full of butts."

"Butts rule," said Lefty.

"Aren't there any, um, butts where you come from?"
"Yeah, but it's like only one kind. We used to have all these animals and shit, but now they're all, like, gone."

"Extinct?" I said. "What happened to them?"

The aliens shrugged, which was surprising, as they didn't have much in the way of shoulders. "I guess our ancestors kept doing shit, and then everything died," said Righty. "We grew up with all these cartoons about animals and birds and fish and stuff, and then we, like, found out that they were all dead."

"That's awful."

Righty nodded mournfully. "Yeah. It's like a lesson or something, right? You don't appreciate the butts you've got 'til they're gone."

"So now, if we want to find butts, we have to come here," added Lefty.

I thought about this. Maybe these two weren't the most articulate beings but they came from a world of superior science. Who knew? Perhaps butts were the secret to cold fusion. "So why do you need to find butts?"

The aliens goggled at me. "Because they're, like, butts," said Lefty after a while. "Butts rule."

"What do you do with them?"

"You just find them," Righty said, like it actually made sense. "Though sometimes people take them home, like if it's something really cool."

"Like a cow butt," Lefty added helpfully. "Butts rule, but cow butts rule most of all."

I couldn't suppress the groan. I'd always assumed that the extraterrestrial theft of cow rectums was an urban legend, or rather a rural one, born of the collective fevered imagination that had convinced my cousin Jeremy that the government could make silent helicopters by putting the blade on upside down.

"Don't worry, dude. We're, like, enlightened. We just view butts in the wild," said Righty.

"And take pictures of us doing kickass poses with them." Lefty whipped out a silver device and showed me a photograph of him (her? it?) planking on the back end of a Hereford. "Cool, huh?"

"Yes," I said carefully. "That rules."

"Yeah! Earth rules!" Righty slapped me on the back. Even through my shirt, I could tell that its hand was slightly moist. "Not only do you have all the best butts, you have all the best songs about butts."

Lefty nodded. "We were kind of on the fence about rap music - like, they talk too fast and use all these words - but some of the songs are about butts."

"But - "
"Yeah," the aliens said in unison. "Butts."

"So what else do you like about Earth?" I said, hoping to change the subject.

"Mountain Dew and Red Bull," said Lefty. "That shit's banned where we come from."

"Really?"

Righty rolled its eyes. "The government says caffeine is dangerous and stuff. Our ancestors used to consume it to help them do work, and, if you're not careful, you'll end up being industrious rather than staring at the screen like a normal person."

"How did you guys ever manage space travel?" I said.

"Dunno," said Lefty. "Computers just make stuff for us now."

This got another vigorous nod from Righty. "It's like, once your society gets to a certain point, and people aren't getting eaten by wild xanthars, then that whole survival of the fittest thing doesn't really work. And everyone can, like, bone - " both of the aliens sniggered - "and have a bunch of kids, and you don't have to learn shit to survive or not be bored because you can just have your screen on all the time, so everyone stops caring about, like, science and being smart and doing stuff. And then your culture just gets cool instead."

"That made sense right up until the last six words," I said.

Righty grinned. "Thanks. I didn't get a PhD in evolutionary psychology for nothing."

"Can I ask why you guys picked me up?" I said, realizing that I was probably going to end up in a probe selfie.

"Because you looked down, dude," said Lefty. "We figured maybe we'd do that act of kindness thing and take you with us to find some cow butts."

"Um, thanks," I said.

"So what's the deal?" said Lefty. "Why are you so upset?"

I told them about the election.

"Oh, that guy?" said Righty. "What's wrong with him?"

I spent ten minutes trying to explain about racism, sexism, nuclear launch codes, the glorification of ignorance, Russian meddling, the Republican party, climate denial, North Korea, and the destruction of fragile democratic mores. Righty and Lefty listened intently throughout; based on the furrows that had appeared between their giant eyes, I realized I might actually be getting through to them.

"We like him," said Lefty when I had finished. "His mouth looks like a butt."

The aliens snickered. I wished I hadn't dropped my bottle when the spaceship had appeared.

"You don't have anything to worry about, bro," said Righty.

"I'm a woman," I said.

"Yeah," said Lefty. "You have boobs."

"High-level science right there."

"I got my master's degree in boobs," said Lefty. I saw the pride in its eyes and knew it wasn't joking.

"But I mean it when I said you don't have to worry," said Righty, delivering the reassuring pat to the boob this time. "We're not gonna let any of the bad stuff you were talking about happen."

"You mean you guys will really intervene with your superior technology to stop a nuclear war or complete environmental breakdown?" I said.

"Of course, bro," said Lefty. "If that shit goes down, there won't be any butts here either."

"Thanks, guys. I'm glad to hear that; you've made me feel a lot better about things."

The aliens broke out a case of Mountain Dew Code Red after that, and the three of us happily adjourned to a field of Charolais to document their trip for the alien version of Instagram. It warmed my heart to know that somewhere, on a distant planet, beings whose existence I had heretofore never imagined would look at pictures of me posed next to the back end of a cow, holding aside the tail so Righty could pretend to lick its rectum.

As the pale fingers of dawn appeared in the east, my new friends dropped me off in the middle of a cornfield. I didn't have to see it from the air to know that the crop circle looked like a giant schlong.

"Take care, dude!" Righty called down as the flying saucer hovered just above my head. "And don't worry about President Buttmouth; if things go as bad as you think they might, we'll come back and, like, kill all the humans with lasers."

"Save the cow butts!" cried Lefty.

"Save the cow butts!" I shouted back as they disappeared into the vastness of space. Somehow, I really did feel better.