ππππ

"Well I'm lost." Lindir was sitting on a log in the middle of a forest.

Lost.

"Lost lost lost lost LOST I am LOSSSSSST." Lindir threw up his hands dramatically, causing several birds to fly from the trees they had been sitting in. One spiteful angry birdy decided it would be funny to drop an acorn on the moping elf's  head.

Surprisingly Lindir didn't react to the acorn that struck him on the head and then bounced into his outstretched hand.
"Huh, I think I'll plant you in my garden when I get home." Lindir thought, placing the acorn into his pocket. "Then one day I'll remember. Everything that happened the good the bad, those who made it, and those who got lost in the middle of a forest."

Lindir sighed and looked up at the trees again. In all honesty, he didn't even know how he got to this point. In fact: he had forgotten why he'd even gone wandering around aimlessly in the first place. He knew he could contact Thranduil via his Jedi Mind Powers, but he quickly decided against it.

The last thing he wanted was for Thranduil to have to come rescue him...

Again.

"You know, this wouldn't have happened if Pippin hadn't dumped me for some cute girl hobbit he just met," Lindir grumbled, "even Phoenix left me for a girl! Everyone's off running around with someone who cares about them or hanging out with a group of friends, and here I am alone talking to myself! WHY CAN'T I HAVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME?!?!?!? IS IT SO BAD THAT I JUST WANT TO BE APPRECIATED?!?!?!??!?!"

His shouting caused more birds to take flight, and an assortment of nuts, twigs, and Gollum were dropped onto the elf. Again, he paid no attention. Not even when Gollum hopped off his head muttering something about filthy birds and nasssssttttyyyy elveses and how Lindir was nassssstttttiiiiieeeeerrrr than most.

Just when it seemed like things couldn't get any worse for our poor unfortunate elf, that plot point that was mentioned earlier came walking into the clearing. That plot point was none other than Varonwe! And his side-kick Arbrandir who was also suffering from the wrath of the birds.

"STUPID BIRDS!" He shouted glaring up at the birds, who were clearly having the time of their lives. It took one dark, serious glare from Varonwe to send those birds flying for the hills. In a humor story, the only thing to truly be feared was the one serious character.

"Rangers! I've been saved!" Lindir cheered leaping from his fallen log to bow at Varonwe's feet. "I shall be forever indebted to you OH great one!" 
Varonwe closed his eyes and let out a long, slow, extremely agitated breath. First, he became stuck with Arbrandir tagging along, now he had to worry about a highly sensitive elf with social issues.

"I don't have time for this." Stepping around Lindir and not bothering to see if Arbrandir was following, Varonwe continued on his way. Only to have Lindir latch on his ankle.
"Oh please take me with you! Don't leave me alone in this cold cruel world!"
Trying not to turn around Varonwe kept walking, dragging the melodramatic Lindir behind him. Arbrandir was enjoying the sight of the grim Ranger dragging an elf along the forest floor so he wisely decided to say nothing and followed happily.

"You don't understand!" Lindir continued, "I would have died out here if you hadn't come. I now owe you my life!"
"What do you mean die?" Arbrandir asked, "You are aware that you're in Mirkwood right? Only thirty minutes away from the Woodland Realm? Varonwe literally just spotted a group of elves patrolling the border, in fact, there's some over there."

All three looked to where he pointed and saw Thaladir and Losider leaning very close to the enchanted river. You know, the one you're NOT supposed to go to because if you fall in you'll fall into a deep sleep? 

Well, that one is two hours north from here as the squirrel scampers.

This is the much lesser known enchanted river that, well, why don't I just let Thaladir and Lo show you?

And for the sake of including more characters, let's pretend that Theafandir was there the whole time as well.

"I'm telling you! I saw a crayfish dart that way! And I'm gonna find it!" Losider said searching through the murky water.
"What do you mean crayfish? It was a crawdad!" Thaladir argued.
"You guys know that they're baby lobsters right?" Theafandir (who was also searching the water) added.
"Baby lobsters?! Did your mother drop you on the head when you were an elfling?" Losider asked taking a stick and poking at the water.
"More likely you were the one who was dropped on his head." Thaladir retorted. 
"Are you sure? Because I remember someone saying once that your mother dropped you on the head several times when you were an elfling Thaladir." Theafandir pointed out trying to be helpful.

"I WAS NOT DROPPED ON MY HEAD!" Thaladir shouted causing Losider to yelp, jump, and fall into the river.
"LOSIDER!" Thaladir was about to jump in after him when Theafandir grabbed him.
"Thaladir wait!"
"WHAT?!"
"Your name and my name both start with "Th" and end in "dir" isn't that something?" 
Thaladir gave the younger elf a deadpan expression before smacking him on the head. After that was said and done he jumped into the river to heroically rescue Losider.

Who had actually climbed out of the river during Theafandir's "discovery" and was now sitting in a tree wringing out his hair with a smug look on his face. When Thaladir resurfaced he immediately glared at the also younger elf.

"Next time, I'm not even going to waste my energy." Thaladir climbed out of the river when Theafandir noticed something in the water.
"Guys look!" He reached into the water and pulled out: "A baby lobster!"

Both Losider and Thaladir groaned.

"Well, that was interesting," Arbrandir commented as they walked away from the odd elf trio. Lindir was still clinging to Varonwe's ankle but the elf seemed to cause no hindrance to the grim-faced Ranger, he walked as if there was no elf there. Then again, elves were extremely light. It was a wonder the wind didn't carry them off when it blew.

After a while, they left Mirkwood and continued walking. Nothing else really happened worth mentioning except that while passing through the Misty Mountains another trio of characters who were still being developed were about to something that was probably better left undone.

"Hey Erin?"
"Yeah Rowen?"
"You know that feeling you get when you're standing in a high place and suddenly have the urge to jump?"
"I guess, why?"
"I don't have it."
"Stop stealing quotes and come help me with this!" Caramiriel (Let's just call her Caramel shall we? It's shorter and sweeter) snapped trying to pull their large sled up to the peak of Caradhras.

"It looks like you have everything under control," Erin commented, "except for the weather. It's freezing up here! All those clouds are covering up the sun."
"If elves could fly they could fetch the sun to save us," Rowen said.
"When are people going to learn that elves (no matter how talented they are) cannot and will never FLY?!?!?!?"

"All you need is faith, trust, and-"
"STOP STEALING QUOTES!!!!" 
Unfortunately Caramel's outburst caused an avalanche. Fortunately the two hobbits and elf managed to jump on their sled and race ahead against the snow.
"WHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Both hobbit lasses had their hands in the air, clearing enjoying themselves, while Caramel frantically tried to steer their sled.

They doged trees, rocks, boulders, and somehow ended up racing alongside a train that had a man dressed in blue hanging on the side trying to reach someone.
"Bucky grab my hand!" The man in blue shouted reaching desperately for his best friend. That's when Rowen called out: "WHO THE HECK IS BUCKY?" 
Which of course caused poor Bucky to be startled and he let go of the fast moving train, falling slowly and dramatically to his "death" while the man in blue started crying manly tears of sadness.

"Whoops," Rowen said as the train disappeared down a tunnel and they kept racing the avalanche.
"Poor guy, I hope he's alright." Erin sighed. 
"The guy in blue or that Bucky fellow?" Rowen asked.
"Yes," Erin replied.

Suddenly Caramel's eyes widened in horror.
"CLIFF!!!!" 
All three now watched in horror as they neared the edge of the cliff, it appeared to be then of the line for out three characters.

Suddenly, a miracle happened! And that miracle was Bucky somehow falling and landing in front of the sled successfully stopping the three from going over, yet ended up with him falling off the cliff. 

The three didn't have time to mourn his "death" a second time because the avalanche of death was coming to end them once and for all. 

Suddenly: a wild Boromir appeared!

"HOBBITS!!!!!!!" Using his unhealthy obsession with hobbits as motivation, Boromir managed to stop the avalanche just by using plain good old fashioned determination.
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
Immediately the avalanche subsided and Caramel and the hobbits were saved. 
"My work here is done." With Boromir walked out of the chapter and wouldn't be seen again until later.

"Well, that was interesting," Arbrandir commented once again as they continued their journey. Without really thinking about what the consequences would be, the guy carelessly asked: "So what else do you think could happen?" 

Instantly the ground beneath our three heroes fell out from underneath them! Varonwe and Arbrandir fell immediately! Lindir took a moment to realize he was no longer on solid ground before shrugging and letting gravity do its thing.

Down our brave, helpless, soon the be dead heroes fell.

As they fell they happened to briefly spectate a cave troll beating up a goblin, a Balrog having a talk with his therapist about his temper, and Sauron trying to reforge a new Ring of Power. 

Finally, they landed with a loud *insert random sound effect here because the author is too lazy to include one* on the cold hard ground. Despite having fallen last Lindir ended up being nearly crushed to death by the two men who quickly got back to their feet. Normally that fall would have killed them but since this is a humor story they made it without a scratch.

Except Lindir.

Lindir is in extreme pain.

Lindir has twenty broken bones.

Lindir has a large bump on his head.

Lindir can't see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

But miraculously, he was able to be hauled to his feet by the two men.
"You know, I actually thought things were going to get worse." Arbrandir foolishly commented not knowing that he had entered the more serious part of this story.

Suddenly our three heroes were surrounded, by who?
BAD GUYS!!!!
"Look what we have here, prisoners!" One of the newcomers said smiling, "Thunderpuff will be very pleased."