Note: To clear up potential confusion, the regular text is all within the same day and moves along chronologically. Anything in italics - if it says "weeks later", for example, it is weeks after the last bit in italics, because they're connected flashbacks. ok happy reading <3

"I want to start a family with you."

They were deceptively simple words. They were. Those few words had brought along with them a whirlwind of events and emotions. Happiness, excitement, hope, and... above all else, a whole lot of pain.

Sure, there'd been a lot of excitement. The prospect of starting a family together had taken over us both and a whole mess of feelings had encapsulated us: a certain sense of eagerness took precedence, and we'd been happy to get started right away.

For the few nights following that one, we'd been more than ready to keep trying, for as much as we physically could. It's worth mentioning, and it's kinda important to note when speaking on this kind of thing, that our sex had always been for pleasure, of course. But now that we had another motive, a reason beyond just making love for the sake of making love, it just made us all the more eager to just... get going.

And I hate even thinking about it that way. It was so awkward, so clinical.

Still, we were excited. How couldn't we be? After such lives as ours, didn't we deserve something like this? For Levi especially, who had gone through so, so much that was so unfair, so unwarranted, so unnecessary... I hated that he went through what he did.

I hated to use the same words over and over, but it was awful and it was unfair.

I was so proud of him for having the strength to get through it all, but that didn't make it easier to think about his countless nights alone after his mother died, his nights on the run with Kenny after doing unspeakable acts, and his time going from orphanage to orphanage where no one had tried to connect with him, to understand him as a person and not just as a wild child who could not be tamed.

He'd been seen as nothing more than a burden. A project. A statistic. No one had seen him as a person.

...Not until we met, anyway, and I was stupidly persistent enough to try even for all his resistance.

Growing up, we hadn't been in control of anything. Few children were, really. But we'd been in an orphanage, without real families until we'd each been adopted. That's when we felt our first semblance of freedom, slight though it was for we were still but young students in a public school system.

Now that we were adults, we were in control of what we did.

There was still a lot decided for us; we had to pay rent, we had to pay taxes, we couldn't travel willy-nilly, we couldn't make too many frivolous purchases that we couldn't afford to pay our bills. But we'd chosen to be in a relationship. We'd chosen to live together. We'd chosen to get married. And now, we'd chosen to start a family together.

We were in control of so few things in life. Whether you believed in fate or not, so much of our lives were preordained, for there was plenty of things that we must do. But this... we were in control of this.

So no one could really blame us for being excited.

And similarly, no one could really blame me for being bummed the fuck out after everything that had happened since that night.

Yeah. I'd had a rough go of things lately, and despite the happiness of that moment, of that night, and the nights that followed, there were a hell of a lot more sad moments. Those sad moments became days. Those days became weeks and that high that I'd thought I'd been on was suddenly one of the lowest points in my life. The rug had been pulled out from under my feet and I didn't know how to process everything going on, much less react to it all.

The peak that I'd been on became a valley.

It'd all happened so quickly, too.

After another long, exhausting, draining day at work, I went right to the bedroom and dropped down onto my stomach. I didn't care that it wasn't comfortable, that I wanted to curl up and cry, because it didn't matter. I was too tired to do anything more than lie there and just... reflect.

---

Days Ago:

All at once, everything seemed to stop and at the same time, time seemed to be moving far too quickly. "Are you... Don't mess around with me about this, Levi." The look in his eyes was earnest. He was... he was being honest. He had said it. He wanted to start a family with me. "Levi, are you serious?"

"Is... it weird for me to...?"

"Oh no, love, of course not," I said, taking his hands in mine. "Of course it's not weird. I just wasn't expecting it, that's all." I lifted his hands to my lips, and I pressed a kiss to his knuckles. "I... you have no idea how happy I am right now." But then my brows furrowed, and I added, "if you wanted this, why haven't you said anything about it before?"

"I didn't know if it's what you wanted," he said quietly. "If you got pregnant, I could leave. But you'd be the one growing the damn thing."

I punched his arm slightly. "You better not leave."

"I wouldn't," he assured me. "I was just... you know."

"You were being considerate," I finished for him. "I get it. But please, from now on, if there's something you want, don't you dare hesitate to tell me, ok?" I brought our hands to my lap, and I smiled warmly at him. "To start a family with you... I'm so excited."

"So, you're sure," he said unsurely. "You want to... start a family with me?"

"Yes," I said eagerly. "I do! I want to start a family with you, Levi! Is that so hard to believe?"

His silence spoke volumes, but he seemed at least to be warming up to the idea. "Is this something that you've..."

"Wanted for a while? I don't know. I'd think about it, but I always kinda put it off. I think I always knew I would want to start a family with you, but I also wanted to enjoy being young and in love with you. But... now I don't think I want to wait anymore."

"And you're sure?"

"I am absolutely positive, Levi."

"Then..." He cleared his throat. "I think we should get started, no?"

"I love the confidence," I said with a low chuckle, taking him into my arms. And when our lips met, I knew it was a sign of fun things to come.

And if all went well... it would mean an entire lifetime of fun things to come.

---

A sigh escaped me as I resettled on the bed, my pent-up frustration from the day coming out in a rush.

Today just sucked. So did yesterday. So too did the day before that.

Come to think of it, just everything sucked. God, life sucked. Why the hell did it choose now to make everything happen? It was one thing to make everything happen, but all at once? And the specifics of what was happening... I didn't even want to think about it right now but lately, it was all I could seem to think about.

My misfortune. My hubris. My stupid, stupid, stupid body and my idiot brother and idiot sister.

Everything was awful.

God, so was that damned creak in the bedroom door as it swung open. We'd need to fix that. I sighed once more. Another thing to add to the list.

My only consolation right now was that Levi was here. He wheeled himself into the room and hauled himself up into bed with a low grunt. He saw me laying facedown and decided to join me, though he remained on his side and left a few inches of space between us.

He was so thoughtful. And more and more, I was starting to feel like I didn't deserve him. How could I, when he was treating me with such kindness, and I was too damn drained to even say hello to him upon returning home? He was so good to me. He was too good for me.

As soon as he got settled on the bed, he made to reach out to set a hand on my waist but before he could reach me I had rolled onto my side and took him into my arms. I rolled onto my back and pulled him to lay atop me; one, because it was his favorite position to cuddle in and two, because for right now, all I wanted to feel was him.

All I wanted was him. If nothing else in my life was working out right now... at least this would. He would always be here for me. Our love ran deeper than the ocean and went farther than the furthest reaches of the cosmos. And that I knew to be true, no matter what else happened.

So, for right now, all I needed was Levi. To feel his weight against me, to rest my hands against his back and feel the gentle rise and fall of his breathing, to hear his heartbeat through the silence that took over the room. This was what I needed.

And it seemed that he knew this and was more than willing to oblige.

"Hey," he said gently, lifting his head to see me.

"Hey," I responded lamely. I couldn't think of anything to say for now, nor did I know what it was he wanted me to say, and so... that was all I came up with. Even as he searched my eyes expectantly, I didn't know what he was looking for. I didn't have a clue what it was that he hoped to find. But I sure hoped he would find it, because I didn't think there was anything in my eyes right now other than pure, unfiltered exhaustion.

"You're crying."

Oh. I suppose that I was. I didn't even realize. I'd been doing it a lot lately.

I didn't really know how to respond to him, and so I nodded.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his words quiet, as though any word spoken louder than a whisper would ruin the sanctity of the moment. Maybe it would. "You walked right by me when you got home."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"You don't have to apologize," he assured me. "Talk to me. Help me understand." And then, hurriedly, he added, "only if you're comfortable."

"I can talk about it," I said. "I just..."

"Don't want to?"

How someone could know me so well, I didn't know, but I was glad for it. Once more, I nodded.

"That's fine," he went on to say. "Do you want to stay here for a while?"

I could feel a stronger wave of tears coming, of emotions pent-up and unshed for too long, as I nodded again.

He slid off me, rolling to his back and gathering the pillows underneath his head. When he held his hands out towards me, I eased myself onto him as carefully, but as quickly, as I could. When my arms were around him and I was straddling him kind of like how a baby koala might, I began to cry in earnest.

He held me tightly, his arms a comforting, warm weight against my back and I just knew in that moment that I'd forever wonder what the hell it was I that had done to deserve him.

---

Weeks Later:

Trying for a baby was hard.

I mean, not the act of doing it. We were... experienced, shall I say? We'd certainly done it enough to warrant being good at it.

I digress. This is not the point.

It was the waiting that was hard. It was hard to wait for an answer, for the questions were always burning in my mind. Had it worked? Was I pregnant? Were we going to have a baby?

I was thwarted once early on by Aunt Flo coming right on time, as expected, ruining any chance that I might have been pregnant already. But as time went on, I began to grow suspicious. I just kept getting it, right on schedule. But that shouldn't have been the case, right? We'd been so careful to not be careful! We weren't horny teenagers anymore; we were adults actively trying to start a family now that we were in a place to do so which was a privilege so few got to take advantage of and it just... wasn't working.

Nothing was working.

A tiny seed of doubt that something was wrong with me was planted in my belly.

To try to mitigate my worries early on, Levi had gone to a doctor and had some tests done only to find that he was perfectly fine. So either we were doing something wrong, or... something was wrong with me.

More weeks passed. The pregnancy test that I'd preemptively bought sat uselessly in my bedside table. I'd bought it to use at the first sign of something being strange, something being off in my schedule, but everything was fine. And that's what wasn't fine. That tiny seed of doubt began to grow.

We continued to try. We continued to fail.

I wish I could say that at least having such passionate sex with him was a plus, but each time we undressed, while I would get lost in the delight, in the bliss, in the moment, and in all that Levi was, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that each time would only lead to bad news later. Our pleasure in those moments... was only disappointment later.

Levi suggested that I try going to a doctor. So I did. I scheduled an appointment for as soon as I could possibly get it and even that didn't seem soon enough. Levi asked if I wanted him there for the appointment. Of course I did. What if I got the news that I thought I was going to get? I'd need him by my side for that. Otherwise I... I don't know what I would do.

The days before the appointment dragged by.

It was all I could think about.

Levi tried to assure me that I was fine, that I was healthy, but that I was probably just stressing myself out too much. He was probably right. I knew that, logically. But while my brain certainly believed it, my heart had a much harder time being convinced of that.

I probably was just stressed. And for it to be self-inflicted stress, the best kind, how wonderful! ...And likely one of the least healthy, for being aware of it only stressed one out more. What an awful cycle this was.

Still, when Levi finally got me to crack and tell him what it was that was worrying me so much, he held me as I cried to him that I might be infertile, that I might be unable to carry a child. I might be unable to provide for us a baby. He and I both had decided that we wanted to have a child together. And through no fault of his own, he might never get to be a father. It would be my fault. Completely, truly, and... only my fault.

I didn't know if these fears were all blown way out of proportion or what have you but... I couldn't help but think it.

And I couldn't help but feel utterly helpless at it all.

But with Levi holding me like that, I was able to convince a small part of my brain that everything would be alright.

I didn't realize at the time how wrong I was.

---

Dinner that evening was quiet. I didn't have much to say, I still didn't, and Levi wasn't about to pry. He also wasn't one to fill silence with meaningless talk, so it wasn't like he was going to start with small talk. No, actually he understood that sometimes silence spoke where words could not. He understood that sometimes you didn't need to talk to have a conversation. You didn't need to share what you were feeling verbally for the other person to understand you.

The silence said what words sometimes could not, and that's ok.

So he didn't take it personally when I didn't tell him about my day, tell him the kind of stupid little stories I always had to share when I came home from work. He knew I wasn't upset with him when I barely made eye contact with him for the entire meal. He knew that I was just struggling with internal turmoil when I didn't eat much of the meal that I'd made for us.

He knew that there was little for him to say at the moment, and so he kept quiet.

Only the sounds of our silverware and the quite ambiance of eating found our ears, but I tuned even that out in favor of listening to the racing thoughts of my brain. My efforts at deciphering them were in vain, because of course they were; why should I be able to figure out the nonsense that my brain was going on and on about?

It was apparently farfetched to think that I could hope to understand what I was thinking. And so I resigned myself to the fact that I would never truly figure it out. I remained quiet.

It wasn't until after dinner and we were cleaning up that any words passed between us. I was just getting to the sink to start on the dishes when he took hold of my arm. He was standing with one hand braced against the counter beside him, and the other sliding now down to my hand.

"(Y/n)," he called gently, starting slightly when he realized I was already looking at him. "Are you alright?"

"No," I answered honestly. "I'm not."

He exhaled quietly. "Stupid question."

"I know."

"Listen," he said, "I just... Shit. How do you do this so easily?"

"Do... what, exactly?"

"Make me feel better. Know what words to say. That kind of thing."

Well, that managed to put a smile on my face.

"I don't know," I said. "I just kinda... pull a lot of words out of my ass and see if they work. And usually they do."

"Lucky ass," he muttered. "Listen."

"That's the second time you've told me to listen," I said. "I didn't stop listening, you know."

"Shut up," he hissed. "I... I know it's hitting you hard." My smile faded from my lips, and I shifted slightly to lean against the counter more comfortably. "I know the results weren't as conclusive as you wanted, and I know you're scared. I think we should be careful."

"Careful how?"

"Remember what the doctor said," he prompted. "Infertility is hard to diagnose, but there are treatments, and though there is no link between fertility and miscarriages, it's important to-"

"I remember," I said, cutting him off gently. "Just, I don't know. They didn't actually tell me anything. I might actually be infertile."

"When the new results are in," he said, "then we'll know for sure."

"But what if we don't? There's... There's unexplained infertility, so maybe all this testing isn't worth a damn thing, or..."

"Go on," he said when it was clear that I was hesitating.

"I don't know," I decided to say. "I just don't know." Fresh tears began to form in my eyes. The one thing I thought we could control, we cannot. And because of me. It broke my heart even just thinking that this dream of ours might not come true. It shook me down to my core that Levi might not get what he wanted... and because of me.

"Just talk," he advised gently. "Don't worry if it makes sense or not. Just talk through it. Help me understand."

"Our whole lives, we've been without a real family," I started to explain slowly, working through the words as I said them. "And biologically, I mean. But I thought that maybe we could have our own child and raise it the right way. I thought for years that I would never find a family for me. I don't want another child to go through that and the thought of raising a child with you, I... I want to do it so badly, but just thinking that it might be my fault that we can't, I just... I don't know. It hurts, Levi, because I want us to be happy, but I can't even provide a child for us."

"Stop there," he said, stepping closer. He leaned his hip against the counter so he could free up both hands. Levi took my face into his hands and though his hold was soft and warm, I knew that he'd pull me back to look at him if I dared look away. "Don't you think for a second that our happiness depends on whether or not you can have a child."

"But we want to have a family together," I protested. "If I can't even get pregnant, then we'll never be able to-"

"Don't," he pressed. "You're working yourself up."

He was right.

That didn't stop me from continuing to talk.

"Maybe I'm not meant to be a mother," I said. "I've never known my own. What gives me the right to be one, myself?"

He seemed taken aback by words, just for a moment.

"Listen to me, (Y/n)," he finally decided to say. "You're my wife. If we can never conceive children, that's fine. I fell in love with you for you, not because you were a woman who might be able to provide a child for us. That's not why I married you."

"You said you wanted to start a family."

"You keep saying that," he said quietly, as though he couldn't believe me. "Are you forgetting that we're family? You've been about my only family since we met."

A tear rolled down my cheek. He was quick to wipe it away with a gentle swipe of his thumb.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," he said, and it sounded so genuine that I could do little else than believe him. "Having children with you is not worth making you feel like this. I don't care what the results tell us when they come back, because if all this is going to do is make you feel like this, I don't want it."

"It's not your fault," I said.

"And it's not yours," he said. He pulled me closer, stopping only when our foreheads were pressed together. "If trying for a baby is only going to make you feel like a failure, then I don't want to do it."

"But-"

"But nothing," he said. "Nothing is worth doing that to yourself, and I won't allow it to happen anymore."

"Don't you want to...?"

"Say you are infertile," he said. "We should be careful. And it sounded to me like you want to adopt." I remained quiet. Did it seem that way? Had I said that in my ramblings? "We can make sure that at least a couple of kids get adopted, get a family. Like us."

"I want to... you know..."

"Raise a child of our own," he finished. "I know." He drew away only to press a kiss to my forehead. "But I think for now it's a safer bet to adopt, (Y/n). Pregnancy is risky by itself, and if your body is having a hard time already, I don't want to risk it."

"Levi," I said, "this isn't the 1700s. Giving birth is a lot safer now."

"There are still risks, and I don't want to risk losing you."

I took hold of one of his wrists. Both his hands were still on my cheeks, ensuring that I didn't run away from this conversation. "But what if the next time is the time I get pregnant?"

He chuckled at that, something I wasn't expecting. "Love, I don't mean to say that I'm going to stop fucking you. Because I won't."

That, despite the heaviness of the conversation, had a group of butterflies rising up in my belly. "You're sure?"

"Don't be stupid," he said. "I just think that adopting is a better idea. But we'll only do it if you want to."

"You... you really want to...?"

"I do. I meant it when I said I wanted a family with you. And about what you said, not being meant to be a mother... I didn't grow up with a father, I don't know how to be one. But I'll do my damnedest to be a good one, if you'll try your hardest to be a good mother."

That made me smile. A few of the chains that had been constricting my heart loosened their grip, allowing me to breathe a little easier.

"You'll be a wonderful father," I said. I pulled away from him only to readjust, ducking my head towards his shoulder and winding my arms around him for a hug. "Let's adopt," I said quietly.

"What was that?"

"Let's do it," I said, louder now, with more conviction and with, at long last... a smile. A true one. "Let's adopt a child."

---

Days Later:

When I said that the days before the appointment were dragging by, I meant it. Each day felt longer than the last. Of course, that was also attributed to the fact that apparently, I didn't know Eren and Mikasa nearly as well as I thought I did. I think something about me just made it fun to keep secrets from me, because once again, I'd had no idea that Eren and Mikasa were to be deployed until the date was set and once again, I had only precious days to both come to terms with and accept the fact that people I loved were leaving to go fight.

How the hell had they hidden that from me?

Why the hell didn't people just... tell me these kinds of things?

When Levi did it, it was because he thought I would leave, and to protect me in a sense, for he didn't want me to be sad by the prospect of him leaving to go fight in a damned war. At that point, we'd only been dating. It made sense, I guess. At least there was some kind of logic to it.

But for Eren and Mikasa not to tell me? Or our parents? Unless mom and dad just assumed that I knew, so they didn't tell me. That made sense, I suppose. I just didn't know how, once again, I'd been tricked as they apparently had gone to basic training and had been in either JROTC or ROTC or both. Was it just a lie whenever they told me they had club meetings or sports meets? No, it couldn't all have been a lie, because I'd gone to Eren's games! How the hell was he balancing all of that?!

And why didn't anyone want to tell me? I was always the last to know. I was really getting sick and tired of this shit. Truly.

I didn't need more things to worry about right now. Having the addition of those two being away, fighting? I could do without it. But life didn't care about that, did it? It never did.

I really shouldn't have been surprised.

Like always, I would just have to deal with it.

And much like when Levi was deployed, I would just have to resort to being worried sick about them every single day until they came home.

---

I eased myself into the warm water, a stilted breath brushing past my lips as already, so much stress was relieved from my body. Levi was coming to join me in a moment; in our home office, I could hear the printer going.

When we decided to adopt, just minutes ago now, we'd wanted to get started on the process right away. I - of course - wanted to help but Levi didn't want me doing anything right now other than trying to feel better. Stress wasn't good for anyone, and I was no exception, and I'd have to be blind, stupid, or both to think that it wasn't weighing down on me heavily.

But now that we had a decision made, a plan set, and that I knew he didn't blame me for what was happening... it helped. And for now, he wanted me to just focus on feeling better and so he ran a warm bath for me. It was a long process, and so if we even got the preliminary paperwork done and got it turned in as soon as possible, we'd be well on our way to growing our little family.

God, I couldn't believe I was saying that. We were going to adopt. We were going to have kids. Maybe not our own, but... that was fine. We'd be saving at least one child from that dreaded system and provide them with a family.

I thought back to how happy I'd been when I was adopted.

It was one of the greatest moments of my life, genuinely.

To be able to provide that for another child... for other children, perhaps...

Goodness, Ms. Fields is going to be so excited. I couldn't wait to tell her.

Just then, Levi came into the bathroom, and I smiled up at him. He seemed surprised by my smile, which in turn only made me smile wider. He shook his head fondly before getting undressed and finally joining me in the bath.

And when we were together in the tub, holding each other close and enjoying the warmth of our bodies and the warmth of the water... for the first time in a long time, I felt good. Great, actually. I was excited. I felt loved. And that was enough to put me an overly clingy, lovey-dovey mood for the rest of the night.

Did it annoy Levi? Yes.

But did he take it all in stride, because at least I was feeling better? Absolutely.

Did I make it up to him by lavishing him in kisses and making up for not cherishing him as I should have over the past few days? Of course.

Did it further confirm what I knew to be true in my heart, that our love was everlasting and eternal? Yes.

And I was, once again, excited for the future. Our future together.