There is a weight in the room. Like a dense fog which none of us can quite see through. Everything feels heavy. Every breath seems too loud in this silence; broken by the occasional wail or whooshing of the overhead fans. This church seems too empty. I have been to funerals before but they were a little more celebratory. This feels like everyone is waiting for Damien to come out of a room and laugh off the joke.

This isn't a joke, or a vision, or a dream. This is reality. Damien is gone.

He is gone.

He is gone.

He is gone.

"Next, Rhea Johnson, dearly known as Rhey, will bring a few words in remembrance of Damien." I hear the words but they don't register for a second or two. I look up and notice everyone staring at me with a sad smile. My dad pats my shoulder and I stand up.

 My whole world shrinks down to a box of only what I can see directly in front of me. I can hear myself breathing and I can hear my heart in my ears. I clutch my phone and unlock it as I walk towards the pulpit, catching a painful glimpse of my home screen. The next few moments go by in a blink and I find myself at the microphone, with no memory of how I got here.

The feedback from the microphone whines and I startle a little, trying not to shake anymore than I was previously. I breathe in and stare at the back door.

"Ever since he first came up to my doorstep asking to walk me to school, I knew Damien was special. He was such a light to everyone. From always knowing what to say in the moment, to just being there, Damien was everything to us. He was so loving and he was my confidant when I couldn't trust anyone else. Everyone who knew him would just beam at the mention of his name. And most of all, he loved endlessly and unconditionally.

"And it wouldn't be fair to him if we took his death like a bitter pill and then moved on as if he never lived. He is in every one of us and not a soul could forget him, without Damien popping up somewhere with his grin. Damien is so much beyond a person at a point in time. He is a continual memory that thrives on what we do from the second I sit down, to the second we die."

I catch a glimpse of a child, staring at my casted arm but I inhale and move on. I should have been the one to-

"Damien is so much like his nickname I gave him the night we became best friends. He is Day." I breathe in deeply and continue trying to pace my words. "And I love him."

I step down from the podium and everyone claps, but I am not worried about them. As I keep my gaze on the back door, I feel Damien's presence and a flash of his smile appears in my mind. I grin and sit back in my seat, not worried about everyone's looks of approval. It still hurts but I put on my show for everyone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the main service, we all go to the graveyard to bury him. It feels so wrong that this is reality. Damien's body is going into the ground and isn't coming up. For a second I feel like telling them to stop. 

With every crank of the machine that lowers him into the ground, something pangs at my heart. My heart beats faster as flickers of Damien's image appear in front of me. I blink them away, knowing that they aren't real. I can't push away reality any longer. I stare at the ground and try to find meaning between these blades of grass. Damien is in the ground and hopefully with God, but he isn't physically alive here. Damien is gone.

Damien's mom walks over to me, seeing my grimace as his body is lowered, and hugs me. I flinch for a second, not wanting to be consoled. I need to feel the pain, and I will deal with it as it comes. She holds me tighter, trying to get my wall to come down. Eventually, the tears come, along with the loud sobbing noises and the shaking.

At one point I go completely limp, only being supported by a caring arm. Lebanon spots me and eventually pries me off of Damien's mom to lead me to a chair, never leaving my side. He cries too, shaking as he grips the back of the foldup seat.

What is ahead of this? 

It certainly isn't life as normal, but living at a standstill is even more dangerous. The Reynolds will have to live without their son, their only child. Thinking about this is scary and it only makes me want to cry longer. Damien, who loved me for so long and so much, is gone. No one expects me to stop any time soon, so why not live in this for a little longer, until I find some clarity?

No. I have to move now.

I look up at Lebanon but he doesn't meet my gaze, clenching on to the back of the chair to avoid falling over completely. I rub his back and lean on him gently; just wanting him to know that I am there. I look around the area where everyone is standing and take in the scene. Everyone is silent, the children even stop their running and chattering for a second as the last crank lowers the casket with a loud thud.

It is over...

All the family starts throwing in their handfuls of dirt and it hurts to watch. When I just thought I got my sobbing under control, another wave comes and I let it take me under. This time Lebanon leaves for a moment and comes back with tissues.

"Rhea it is time for you to put down the flowers," Lebanon says apologetically. He helps me up and squeezes my hand briefly before letting go. He opens his mouth to speak but the words never come out.

"It's okay." I take one of the tissues and pat my tears, careful not to peel off any more of my mask.

I walk over to the gravesite and bite my lip to avoid crying again. I pick up the bouquet of flowers and lay it on the grave. Something inside of me wants me to start digging up the dirt and see Damien one last time.

I just want another chance.

A second or two later, Regina comes into view, walking towards the tent. She picks up the microphone, it visibly shaking in her hand. 

She breathes in deeply and starts to sing. The fog I felt earlier lifts and I feel more peaceful. The pent up rage and grief melt temporarily as the chorus to Psalm 23 by People & Songs is sung. I breathe in and look up; spots of sunlight appear and disappear in between pillows of clouds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We go back to the church and go to the basement where they have tables set up for dinner. I sit off to the side, not wanting to hear anyone's conversation. It feels too disrespectful to flip the switch from sobbing, to perfectly fine. This is my fault that we are even here. My arm starts to throb as if on cue and I purse my lips together.

"Room for one more," Lebanon's shadow on the table appears right before his voice.

I don't say anything. People could get the wrong idea if they saw Lebanon and me around each other a lot.

"Um," I murmur quietly, "I don't know if-"

"Sitting next to me is a good idea?"

I nod my head "yes" and he proceeds to sit down but instead of his usual grin, he kind of holds his head down and shakes it side to side. We don't say anything to each other for a while until our table is called to get food. There were easily five hundred people at the main service, but once the announcement was made for dinner, the outer edges of Damien's family and friends peeled away, leaving one hundred people.

I start to get up to grab my plate and Lebanon touches my shoulder, signaling for me to sit back down. I give him a sad smile and sit in the chair, caressing my arm in order for the mild throbbing to stop. Damien's mom looks my way but turns around to greet a relative. I look around and I feel so uncomfortable. I am in a room full of unfamiliar faces and it's because Damien was never around his family as much. Therefore I was never around them either.

My family was his family really, and all these people are strangers herding into the church in order to grab a plate of food and to give their condolences to a person they vaguely knew existed. This angers me slightly, but I try not to show it when they say "hi" or congratulate me on the eulogy. 

 Lebanon comes back with two plates and grins when he sees me. He sits down and places the plate in front of me, holding the back of my chair, looking in my eyes.

"So did I do good enough," he asks but I don't really listen to the question and just nod on cue. "Rhea..."

He repeats himself and never breaks eye contact. Is he okay?

"Good enough for what?" I ask confused.

"Your food. I know you are really picky." He smiles but it cracks after a second. "Damien would do that, right?"

"Leban-" I start to say something but no words come to mind.

"No, no that was a weird thing to say."

I bite the inside of my mouth and he sits down. 

"When I got the call that Damien..." My heart thumps wildly as he speaks, seeing visions of Damien and me in the past. "All I could think about was you."

What? My mind blurs and I look at him with something between disgust and confusion.

"It was my fault. I knew he loved you and I saw how he looked at you. I was jealous because I never met anyone who had such an effect on people.  And when I saw the look on Damien's face when you guys left, I wanted to run after you guys. I felt terrible and like I betrayed him. All he wanted was your love." 

Lebanon looks down at his plate, setting down the fork he had mindlessly lifted.

"No, it's my fault. I haven't told anyone but on the ride home, we got into an argument. We were yelling at each other and then he told me that he loved me and told me how he loved me since forever. It hit me so hard that I couldn't speak then my dad called." I purse my lips together and grimace.

Lebanon looks up at me and I can see every emotion. I want to take back my words but I have to tell him the rest.

"Damien desperately tried to get my attention and we were five minutes from home. I couldn't pay attention to my dad or him. It was raining like crazy and I couldn't take seeing Damien's heart-broken reflection in the glass. All I remember were headlights blinding my eyesight and a crash. I wanted to go back in time and-"

I go silent to avoid crying. Don't let them see me like this. I am fine. The warmth of Lebanon's arm shocks me.

"Rhea. I don't know what to say," Lebanon says apologetically. 

"There is nothing left to say."

"Except for sorry," Lebanon apologizes and moves his arm away.

I can't tell why he is apologizing to me. I should be apologizing, but instead I sit and eat my food quietly.

Is this what moving on feels like?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After dinner, I ask to go back to the graveyard. At first, my parents ask if I am okay, but I cut them off and explain that I had something to do. My dad stays behind to speak to Damien's parents about something and my mom drives.

 As we drive back, the same roads we passed earlier look beautiful. I see people walking down the street, going into houses, buildings, or leaving. The lights on the buildings are lit, barely holding on to their aluminum piping, but this is my hometown and I'm proud. I see moms pushing strollers, with toddlers waddling on the side, yapping on and on about something. I see older adults sitting on their front porches, talking to their friends and family members while listening to music on a speaker.

I smile a little but it disappears, remembering that I'm at Damien's funeral. It never came across my mind that one day I could lose him. I always thought that he would always be there and that I would be the one he mourned. I look out the window and I grip onto the floor through my shoes, remembering the truck barreling towards us. My heart races and my mom lays a hand on my shoulder, instantly calming my nerves.

I relax my shoulders and breathe in as we pull up to the graveyard. My body moves in sync with my heart and about a minute later, Damien's newly laid grave comes into view. The damp grass pulls my heels into the earth and I trudge on, trying to get this over with. I stand in front of the mound of dirt, labeled by the stone slab.

Damien Reynolds
April 20, 2004- May 21, 2020

I stare at the date and shiver. I tell myself not to read anything else on the gravestone.

"Rhea," an elusive voice calls to me but I push it back where it belongs, in my imagination.

I can't live in imaginary worlds created by my need for resolution. I take the printed copy of the poem I recited and lay it on his grave. Something compels me to stay there, but I can't. 

Here lie all of my questions, my doubts, my pain, my love. 

Something inside me jumps, and I feel sick, but free. I left my uncertainty on the paper and now I can move on. Damien loved me, I loved him, and he was loved by everyone. 

I stand up with tears in my eyes and smile.

"Long time no see Day," I laugh and a tear falls down my cheek. I wipe it away and walk back towards the car.

The memories are enough, the love I felt was enough. It is okay, and I will live.

My mom opens the car door and I step inside, cradling my arm to keep it from bumping the frame. She looks over at me with something between relief and confusion.

"Que hiciste?" 

"Nada. I had to get something I left," I answer and struggle momentarily to put my seatbelt on.

"Ok mija," my mom shakes her head and pulls out of the parking lot.

"I love you mom," I say sort of randomly and she sits up in surprise.

"I love you too Ri. Mi amor." She takes her free hand and runs it down my hair and my face.

"Everything will be okay right?" I ask and stare at Damien's smiling face on my lock screen. 

The traffic light turns red and my mom turns to face me.

"Only if you want it to be," my mom answers and places a kiss on my forehead.

"I do..."