It was the worst experience of my life and that's saying something. There I was, standing in the cheese aisle at a minute to midnight, when the bloody lights went out! What was I doing in Tesco's at a minute to midnight you might ask? Well, I couldn't sleep.

I'd just come off night shift, four night shifts to be exact, and I always have trouble adjusting. I went to get the few bits of shopping I needed to free up the next day. I had five episodes of Elementary saved up just for the occasion.

So, I'm standing there, between the cheddar and the brie, when I'm plunged into darkness. I don't imagine many of you have ever been in a supermarket in the pitch dark, no? Me neither, and let me tell you, it wasn't fun.

Anyway, back to the cheese, so I'm frozen. Not just from standing by those bloody fridges that plummet the temperature lower than an arctic wasteland, I'm frozen to the spot. I didn't know what to do! Should I try to find help and risk walking into something and falling? I couldn't remember seeing anyone in my aisle on the way down, so I wasn't hopeful. Or should I stay where I was and wait for help to find me?

That's when I heard it, the sound. The horrific, turn-your-spine-to-jelly, sound. It was faint at first and I thought it was the fridges. But then it was right behind me. I couldn't move. I couldn't scream. I stood there, waiting for whatever it was, to do whatever it was going to do. Imagine death, breathing, that's what it sounded like. Deep, throaty, rasping breaths right beside my ear. I won't lie, I almost had an accident there and then. You know the kind I mean.

It felt like hours, but it was only minutes. Me, waiting for death, and whatever it was waiting for, well, I don't know what it was waiting for. It had me where it wanted me. I couldn't go anywhere. That's when I felt it, on my shoulder. The hand. I waited for it to creep round my neck and choke the life out of me, but it didn't. It just sat there.

The next thing I was blind. I thought I'd gone blind! The white light had come and then I thought I was dead. Maybe it had killed me with just one touch and this was it! It wasn't. Of course, it wasn't. It was the lights coming back on. It took every bit of courage I could find to turn around. I mean everything. And when I did it wasn't death standing there. But close enough. It was the ageing security guard with emphysema, who had about as much chance of catching a running shoplifter as I had!

We glared at each other. A standoff in the cheese aisle. I don't know what his bloody problem was but he was not for letting go of my shoulder! I tried to move away but he tightened his grip. That's when he muttered into his walkie talkie. I couldn't quite hear what he was saying due to his heavy breathing but it was something about aisle three. The next thing another security guard appeared. That's when I tried to run. Bad idea. My arthritis and dodgy knee meant I only got as far as the Babybels before they both grabbed me. Well, I say grabbed that's maybe an exaggeration.

I know what you're thinking, I should press charges. What the hell did they think they were doing? Trust me, I thought about it. Only they thought the same and it's me who's up in court next week. Shoplifting. How outrageous! I mean, I don't know how those blocks of cheddar got in my pockets! I hope the judge can see things my way. Apparently, when it's your third conviction, they can even send you to jail!