Dave had stopped walking. I stopped and turned to him. He was pale, gripping the shoulder straps of his hiking backpack.

"W-what?"

I look at the ground. "We were visiting family in another part of Texas. My brother and I had found a small forest and decided to explore. We were playing hide and seek.

"I took off running. I remember my brother calling for me, telling me to stop, that I was going too far into the forest. After awhile, I couldn't hear him anymore.

"I came to a really pretty stream. I remember the water was so clean and clear, I could see the rocks at the bottom. I followed it for awhile, curious to see where it was going."

I shudder involuntarily. "That's when I saw him. There was a man lying on his side. He was very clearly dead, pale and with flies buzzing around. I thought he was sleeping at first, but after I tried to get him to wake up by shouting at him, I knew something was wrong. To make extra sure, I threw a small rock at his back. Nothing."

I shudder at the thought.

"I took off running. I was screaming and crying for my brother. I didn't know where I was, and I kept getting scratched by branches and bushes. It felt like forever, but I finally heard his voice again. And when I found him I ran over and hugged him."

I shake my head now. "He was angry at me for taking off. He was shouting at me, saying I could have gotten lost, saying something bad could have happened. All I could do was cry and say I was sorry.

"Finally he told me to calm down. He hugged me, looked at my scratched up arms and face. We headed back to camp, and as we walked back Tyler told me we shouldn't tell the grownups I had run off. All I could think about was that guy I found. By the time we got back I had convinced myself the guy had just been sleeping."

Dave and I lapse into silence. I look at the ground. When I speak again it comes out a lot quieter than I intended.

"I was only seven or eight. I thought I was going to get in trouble, somehow, for some reason." I click my tongue and shake my head, looking up at the sky. The canopy on trees hangs above us though, and I can only make out slivers of blue sky here and there. "Silly what the child's mind comes up with, right?"

Dave steps forward, wrapping his arms around me. I tense, and he tightens his grip.

"This is the first time I'm talking about this. To anyone."

Dave puts his head against my chest, still hugging me. Finally I wrap my arms around him and sigh.

"Sorry I pried," he tells me softly.

I shrug.

Dave pulls away and smiles at me, rubbing my arms up and down. "Your secret is safe with me."

I shrug again.

Dave hesitates, and when he talks it's soft. "You can tell me anything. You know that, right, Tristan?"

But instead of speaking, all I can do is nod.

~

The rest of the trip was admittedly awkward. After revealing what I had done-or hadn't done-a decade ago was making me feel low. I didn't talk very much.

Finally we were in the car, everything packed up, headed back to Amarillo.

"You can pick the music."

I look at Dave. "Hmm?"

"I said, you can put on some music, if ya want."

"Oh." It wasn't like we were saying anything, anyway. "Sure. Lemme pair my Bluetooth to your car."

Dave gestures for me to do so. Once that's done, I pull up my music. Nothing seems to stand out to me. That is, until I come across the playlist Orion had made me for.

As I scroll, I notice they don't seem to be in any sort of order. Knowing Orion, though, I'm sure he had arranged them in some sort of way that was deeply meaningful to him. Thinking about that, I can feel myself smile. In fact, scrolling through the list doesn't have the reaction I thought I would have.

I thought, and was afraid that, when I eventually looked at it I'd feel sad. I'd feel bitter. Maybe even angry. But now, as I scrolled down the list, all I could feel was a warmth in my chest.

🔸Breadcrumbs | Nick Sanza
🔸Porcelain | Red Hot Chili Peppers
🔸Change | Deftones
🔸Mansion | NF
🔸Winter In My Heart | VAST
🔸Through Glass | Stone Sour
🔸Chasing Cars | Snow Patrol
🔸Sometime Around Midnight | The Airborne Toxic Event
🔸The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot | Brand New
🔸You're All I Have | Snow Patrol
🔸Human | Rag n' Bone Man
🔸Don't Let Me Down | The Chainsmokers
🔸Take Me To Church | Hozier
🔸Gold | Kiira
🔸You Are The One | VAST

"What?"

I look at Dave. "What what?"

"You're smiling."

I chuckle. "What? Can't I smile?"

Dave laughs. "'Course you can, silly. You just..."

And as I look at him expectantly, he doesn't answer.

"I what?"

Dave smiles and looks back at the road. "You just look...at peace."

"I do?"

Dave looks at me again and smiles. "Yeah
You do." When I don't answer, he says, "So. Music?"

I hesitate, thumb hovering over ▶️. For some reason the thought of playing music my ex had made for me was making me feel dirty almost. I felt guilty, like I was cheating on Dave.

That was silly, though. It was just music. Why the hell not?

I hit play on Orion's playlist, close my eyes, lean my head against the headrest, and just smile. And as the miles tick by, and the various songs float through my ears, I offer up a silent prayer.

I know it's silly, but I hope somehow the feeling I have towards Orion can reach him, envelope him. I pray he can find myself wrapped in love, the love he deserves, and the love I hope he can feel for himself one day.

Please be okay, Orion. Please always be okay.