I stood in the late summer heat. In my hands a clutched a bouquet of yellow roses. I haven't put them on the ground. Not yet.

A name stares up at me, taunting me.

In Loving Memory

TYLER ANDERSON SMITH

Loving Son and Brother

"Hey, Tay," I speak softly. It's more of a mumble or whisper than anything.

"Sorry I haven't visited you for a while," I continue, clutching the stems in my fists tightly. "I've been busy."

I bend over, gently putting the flowers on the grave. But instead of standing back up I sit down and cross my legs. I'm dressed as I always am when I come here; full suit, jacket, tie and everything, my hair slicked down.

I sigh heavily, briefly resting my face in my hands that smell sweetly of flowers.

"I've been busy being a God damn fool, that's what I've been doing, Tay."

For awhile I don't say anything, just randomly picking at the grass.

"I actually found someone I love." I tisk in disgust, glaring off to the side. "Well, I think I love him, anyway. I thought I did." I shake my head. "It's complicated."

I fall silent again, grateful there's a breeze. Even so I can feel the sweat cascading down my back already. It's making me itchy.

"I know you didn't wanna die, Tay. Or at least, I assume you didn't. But this guy? This man that I think I love?" I click my tongue again. "Well, he's a damn fool because here you are, dead, and he's aching to die."

I break down, because on my brother's grave is the only place I allow myself to be weak. It's cathartic. As shitty as it sounds, coming here is as much about visiting my brother as it is about having an emotional release valve.

"I d'no, Tay. Is it wrong for me to be angry for that? I ache for him, I do. I wanna go crawling back to Vermont, tell him I pulled my head from my ass, and beg him to take me back."

Wiping off my face, I shake my head. "I d'no what to do. I wish you were here, because you always knew what to do. And I think that's why I'm so God damn angry at Orion." I pause, and maybe it's silly, but I say quickly, "Orion's the guy I fell in love with. I know, crazy name, right?"

I wipe at my face again and laugh. "Yaknow, I never remember to bring any God damn tissues with me..."

I lapse into silence for a while. Perhaps it's morbid, but I always enjoy the stillness of graveyards. There's a strange feel of peace when your company is the noiseless dead. It's tranquil, and reminds you that you're so very alive.

"What was I saying again? Oh, right, anger. You and me got lucky in life. We haven't had any relatives die on us yet, I mean, besides you now."

Another pause where I just bend slivers of grass in between my fingers, enjoying how cool they feel. I don't know why I do this, why I pause. It's not like my dead brother is going to answer me. Even so, I take my time talking every time I'm here.

"Losing you was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I'm lucky like that, I guess. I mean, I know a lot of folks have it a lot harder. Orion being one of them."

Another pause and the wind picks up. I reach out, tracing my finger along the cursive engraving. When I speak, the wind whisks away my words without asking.

"I don't know I'd survive if I lost him, too."

I don't know how much time passes where I do nothing but sit there. It's long enough that, once I rouse myself, I've noticed the sun has shifted positions in the sky. I stretch, spine letting out a series of pops that feel amazing. Once that's done, I yawn before finally getting to my feet. Slipping my hands into my pockets, I talk.

"I wish you could meet Orion. I think you'd have liked him. He's the polar opposite of me..." I smirk, shaking my head a bit. "He's an absolute spaz, about everything. He throws himself fully into everything, one hundred percent committed. He's by far the most intense person I've ever met..."

I run my hand through my hair sadly. A lock of my straight hair falls, and I can see it in my peripheral vision as I stare down at my black polished shoes.

"He's kind, and he's sweet. He's rough around the edges, but he means well. He's got this soft side to him, this innocent side that makes you just want to wrap him up in blankets, coddle him. That he's so strong, yet so delicate and fragile, it's truly beautiful.

"I really thought he was the one. I could imagine our life spread out, together. A little house, maybe on a little hill with a apple tree. Maybe a white picket fence, a kid or two. A swing set in back, a wrap around porch up front. It'd be our little get away. Our little slice in life where he didn't have to be Orion Bauwens, famed celebrity. We could just be us, together..."

I whisper, "He makes me feel whole, Tay. It's like he's my balance, and I'm pretty sure I'm his. But I fucked it up."

The wind whips my lock of hair around. After a few more moments where time doesn't really mean anything, where it's just me in this fuzzy bubble with a headstone, I run my hand through my hair. I take a deep breath, wipe off my face, and palm my hair until it's back in order. Kissing my fingers, I then touch the headstone.

"I know ma and dad don't come around. It's just...hard for them. Please don't hold it against them. You were their world. And I..."

I chuckle, shaking my head. "Well, doesn't matter much what I am. But I'll always come back to you, Tay. For as long as there is breath in me, I'll come visit so you're not alone."

I slip my hands back into my pockets and begin to walk away. After a few steps, I pause, and turn back around.

"Love you, Tay. Forever and always."

I make my way back through the winding paths of Gardens Cemetery. Hands tucked away, my head bowed, I shuffle along. I actually like the fact his grave is deep in the cemetery. It take me awhile to get back to the car, and I use that time to collect myself, to tether myself back into my life as Tristan Smith, not grief-stricken brother.

I always have someone drive me. It used to always be Arlene. Then, it was a rotation of my friends. Today, I open up the passenger door and slide in next to Dave.

He looks at me and smiles, leaning over and kissing my cheek.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," I tell him honestly.

"You sure?"

I lean my head back and shut my eyes, loosening my tie. "Yup."

"So...what do you want to do?"

I pick my head up and grin as Dave starts the car. "Let's dance."