Early spring came and went. I was due to start my job in New York in two weeks. While it felt like I had been back in Texas forever, it simultaneously felt like a blink of an eye.

Surprisingly (and yet also unsurprisingly) my friends threw a party for me, one final hurrah. I didn't get black-out drunk. In fact, I vowed to never get that drunk again.

Midway through I was absolutely floored when, rather abruptly, Arlene was there. I had caused a ruckus, which everyone joined in on.

"Sorry I'm so late," Arlene was saying as Lee came up, giving her a peck on the cheek. She laughed and shooed him away while I rose my eyebrows at his bold move. "I came from work. Now, I can't stay long, either, because I have work tomorrow."

"Wait," I say. "Work? Where are you working right now?"

She muttered something under her breath.

"Arlene," I say sharply. "Did you fly in for this?"

She rings her hands, and then twirls a strand of her bubblegum pink hair. "Um. Maybe?"

"Arlene!"

"What?! I wasn't gonna miss your going away party!"

I roll my eyes heavily. "Woman, it's not like you're not gonna be able to see me in New York."

"Shut your trap, insufferable man. I wanted to be here."

I pull her into a hug, muttering into her hair. "Thanks."

As the night drags on, one by one everyone falls asleep. At long last, it's just me and Arlene. We're sitting on the porch, enjoying the cool nights air that seems warm compared to the passing winter. Arlene is smoking; I hate it. I worry endlessly enough about her health given her profession. Even so, I don't say anything about it.

"So," she says, blowing out a puff of smoke. "New York, huh?"

I shrug. "For now, at least."

"How far away is Orion from where you'll be living?"

I shoot a glare at her. "Arlene."

"What?"

"Arlene!"

"What?"

When I don't answer, she continues. "Don't act like you haven't thought of that."

I pause, and I'm not happy saying it. "'Bout an hour."

"Ha! Knew it!"

More silence, and it's grumpy on my end.

"So," Arlene says sweet as tea, drawing out the 'o'. "Have you talked to him?"

"No."

She smacks me upside the head. It's not soft, either.

"Jesus Christ, woman!"

She begins slapping the shit out of my arm. "How many times have I told you to not take the good Lord's name in vain?!"

By the time she makes it to the end of her sentence I'm laughing. Giving me a glare, she whacks me a final time.

"I'm serious as a heart attack, Smith!"

"I'm scared, okay?" I literally shout at her.

She blinks as more words come tumbling out of my mouth.

"I'm scared. I'm scared he won't take me back. I'm scared he's moved on. I'm scared that I'm scared, because that just means I love him that damn much. I'm petrified because I can't hear any sort of love song without thinking of him, and it's been like that for months now.

"I'm scared because I picture a life with him. I think, some day, I'd like a house with him, with both our names on the mailbox. I'm scared because I wanna be sucked up into his insane life again, because for as much as it was like a scary tornado, it was also like the fucking Land of Oz."

Arlene is staring at me in absolute wonder.

"And I'm scared for the unknown. I'm scared because I don't know how fucking stable or unstable he is. I'm scared because I can't go through him trying to kill himself again."

And maybe it's the beer, or maybe it's the fact that it's Arlene, and she's my rock, but I start crying.

"Because if he succeeded, that'd be it. There are no fucking do-overs. He'll be dead, in the ground, and I think if that happens I'll wanna crawl right in with him."

"Tristan..." Arlene tries, but there's no stopping my mouth now.

"I'm afraid because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in life. I've never felt like this before, but I'm not even in my fucking twenties yet! I'm young, I shouldn't try to build my life around one single person, but I want to, alright?

"And I'm scared because of our age difference. He's fucking ten years older than me. Fine, let's say we do get our happily ever after; he's gonna die before me. Especially with him smoking, and I don't even wanna know what his liver looks like...That scares the fucking daylights outta me, Arlene, because I think he's worth it."

And now I've made my best friend cry.

"I think he's worth sticking with even if he has to go through cancer treatments, or if he ends up on dialysis, because at least I got his youth, yaknow? And I know he's worth it because incase you haven't fucking noticed yet, Arlene, I've been just sorta stumbling through life since Tay died, and Orion gave my life direction, okay!"

Arlene pulls me into a hug, burying her face against my shoulder and shaking. "God damn, Tristan, that was beautiful."

"Don't say the Lord's name in vain!" I reply, forcing a laugh out through my tears.

Arlene leans back, holding me at arm's length. "No, really...That was beautiful. You care about him that much?"

"I do," I tell her quietly. "I'm scared because I feel like if I can't have him, I d'no if I will ever be with anyone else. And that's so, Romeo and Juliette, and it's sickening, and pathetic."

Arlene takes my face into her hands and smiles. "Not pathetic, Tristan. Beautiful. It sounds like you found your soul mate."

I scoff and look away.

"Don't scoff at me, young man!"

I look at her.

"You're talking about true love. You're talking about things that most people in life only wish they could have. But you've found that." She shakes her head. "Who gives a damn if it doesn't work out? You're talking about crawling in a grave with him, dude. Would you be able to live out the rest of your life with Orion Bauwens being little more than a big What If?"

"But-"

She snaps her fingers at me. "Shoosh."

"But-"

She snaps three more times. "I said shoosh your mouth! Damn, dude, you need your ears cleaned out?"

I chuckle, wiping my face.

"I hate to do this, but I gotta head back to the airport."

"What?! I just, poured my fucking heart out to you, and-"

"I know," she replies, hurrying away. "I'm sorry, seriously. I was supposed to leave half an hour ago."

"But-"

"Just go get your man, Tristan! Stop yapping and do something! Love you!"

I watch her get into her car and drive away.
I watch after her until the red tail lights disappear. Chuckling I shake my head.

I still don't know what to do.