"I'm sorry, I can't do this."

Everyone looks at me. I hate it. Everyone here, crammed into this hospital waiting room, looks miserable. I know I don't look any better.

We're all either crying or have been. Ben is holding his head in his hands. Orion's brothers flank Amy, who looks shocked at my words. The same surprised expression is on their faces as they hold Amy. Gloria looks at me worriedly, which honestly just makes me choke up more. The only two people missing are Jake and Orion's mom.

I'm nearly positive I passed his mom when I exited the hospital room. She was waiting right outside, staring at us through the window. My back had been to her, so I don't know how long she had been standing there for. When I left, I all but barreled into her. That's who it had to have been, though. She looked damn near identical to Orion.

The only one missing was Jake. I knew Jake was here. First of all, I had seen him when I first arrived. Then I heard him shouting at Orion, even though his room was a good ways down the hall. When the nurse screamed at him that she was calling security, he came out, red-faced and clearly crying. He ran past us all without a word, taking the stairs.

We hadn't seen him since. He had to be here. There's no way Jacob would have just left. I haven't known the guy for that long, but I feel like I know him. I know he's not going to do what I'm about to do.

I hate crying. If there's one thing I hate more than crying, it's crying in front of people. So, I scoop up my jean jacket from the red waiting room chair I had placed it on. As I leave without another word, to anyone, I have to fight off the urge to outright run.

I just want to run. I hate hospitals. I hate how they all smell the exact same, a putrid combination of astringent, crappy hospital food, and death. My mind will never wrap itself around how people actually work here, with that awful smell becoming embedded in their clothes. I don't think I'd ever get used to it. I wouldn't want to get used to it.

Once I reach the elevator, I frantically jam the down button over and over. Briefly I look over my shoulder, down the hallway. Everyone is looking at me. Gritting my teeth, I mash the button even more and look straight ahead. The doors slide open, and I practically run over a guy in scrubs. Once I'm in I turn around. Some other people attempt to enter, but I shoot them a nasty glare, holding the 'close door' button.

"Don't."

They stop in their tracks. It's only when the doors slide shut, and I'm all alone, do I let myself break. Doubling over, I howl out in anguish. Once that was done, I righted myself, sniffing, and wiping the tears from my face.

I didn't want to leave Orion. I didn't. I felt so incredibly guilty for leaving him here, in a hospital bed, when he almost died. People say the cruelest way to break up with someone is via text. I think I just found a leg up on that.

Even so I can't be with him. No matter how badly my heart feels like it's been shredded apart in my chest right now. No matter how many memories have suddenly flooded my mind. It's selfish, and I feel horrible, but I literally can't handle it.

I loved him more than I loved anyone in my entire life. I was sure, absolutely sure, I would never find anyone like Orion Bauwens. And as the doors slid open, and I rushed out into the main hallway, I felt sick.

Up until today I thought I could handle him. Up until today, I thought I could help him. Apparently I was wrong. I was so horrifically wrong that it culminated in him taking a cocktail of seven pills, three different kinds.

I was such an idiot. I wanted to save him, but he couldn't even save himself, so what the fuck was I going to do? He needed to be the one who wanted to get better. Orion had made it painfully clear he didn't want to get better. Denying up and down that he made an attempt. Trying to withhold information from me, about what he took and how much.

He didn't want to get better, and I couldn't spend my life with someone who didn't want to be here with me. I couldn't spend my life with someone who didn't want to live.

As soon as I'm outside in the attached parking garage, I'm hit with the smell of someone smoking a cigarette. Ignoring it, I pull out my cellphone. I stop a moment and sigh heavily. Wiping my eyes again, I pull up a number. After two rings, who I want to pick up answers.

"Hey ma," I grumble.

"Tristan!"

After Orion broke up with me a week ago, I had gone back to Texas. But instead of going home, I got myself a hotel room until I could sort myself out. And then today happened...

I shut my eyes, squeezing the bridge of my nose. "Look, please don't ask anything right now, but can I stay in my old room for awhile? Is that space still available?"

A pause, and then, "Of course. We haven't converted your room into the office yet, so yes."

"Thank you. I'm flying in, and it's about a five, five and a half hour flight, so I won't be home until super late. I have a key and I'll be quiet so I don't wake you guys up."

"Alright," she says softly. "Tristan...is everything okay?"

"No, ma, nothing is fucking okay, not in the least bit." Before she can reply, I finish the conversation. "I'll explain when I'm home. Love you, ma. Thanks. Bye."

I hang up on her. Letting out all the breath in my lungs, I run a hand through my hair. I'm about to walk out of the garage and get an Uber to the airport, but a voice stops me.

"Hey."

I turn. Jake had been the one smoking. He looked about as good as I felt. Or maybe I looked as bad as he did; it wouldn't surprise me. Jake flicks his cigarette out into the parking garage, and we face each other.

"So you're going back to Texas?" he asks me softly.

"Yeah."

An awkward moment passes between us.

"I don't blame you, you know," Jake finally whispers, slipping his hands into his pockets. "I don't know which I'm feeling more of right now; scared, sad, or livid."

More silence. Jake looks at his feet, kicking a pebble away. "They still don't know if he's okay and out of the woods. They're running tests. We'll find out tomorrow."

I nod, swallowing away a lump in my throat.

"I'm surprised they allowed visitors."

I shrug, and the words that come out are cynical. "He's Orion Bauwens, of course they'd bend the rules for him. Who doesn't?"

My words make Jake turn red, and I feel guilty for saying that. He's just as famous as Orion is. I wonder something I had never thought of--was Jake just as fucked up as Orion? Was Ben? Could they just handle it better because they didn't already have trauma in their past?

"I actually think they let us in case he--in case he--well--"

"Jake," I say earnestly, and I pull him into a hug. He gasps. "Please take care of Ori, okay? And if you're really that pissed, then just...make sure someone does, okay? For me?"

Tentatively, Jake hugs me back. "Yeah, sure Tristan."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

I let him go. However, we both still don't move.

"So you guys are done for good?" he asks me softly.

I glare off to the side, trying not to cry. "Yeah, unfortunately."

"That's gonna break him."

With that, I start to walk away. I look over my shoulder. "He's already broken, Jake. Nothing I can do about that."

"Hey."

I turn around and walk backwards.

"Um, will we--will we see you again?"

"You have my number," I reply with a shrug, and turn back around.

"Have a safe flight, Tristan," his voice echoes after me.

I wave over my shoulder, because I don't want him to see I'm crying all over again.